Finally ready...

[venusishername]

It's been a long time since I've been on LS, and I've had quite the healing process since my last serious relationship. Since then, three years ago, I've had a string of casual relationships that never made it past date three; either by my choice, theirs, or mutually.. including a few one night stands I'm not proud of.

 

 

But recently I'm FINALLY ready to open up and have something serious again, whereas in the past I was guilty of pushing it away. I didn't WANT to be in a relationship. But now I do. I had stopped trying recently, just very frustrated and very lonely.

 

Short novel here: Just FYI, I'm 30 and this man is 38....

Last weekend I was out at bar with male and female friends, and a man walked by and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me. He came over and introduced himself and sat next to me and struck up a conversation. I really liked him right away and liked his confidence to approach me. Most men do not do that, or at least not so politely. Anyway, the attraction was strong and the conversation was great. He touched my calf and was really engaged with me, he asked me questions and listened to me talking and kind of stopped me and said "I love how you're so straightforward and honest and passionate... I think that's incredibly hot" and he grabbed me and kissed me in a crowded bar for everyone to see. I would normally be miffed, but I was really feeling it with him so I let him kiss me, and pulled back out of decency. We eventually left together; my friends ditched me because they prob assumed I was occupied, and we ended up walking back to his place. We didn't have sex, just 'second base' stuff.

The next morning, it was that dreaded anticipation of 'oh god, what did I get myself into', but it was really nice... and he was very affectionate and we talked more, I learned I liked him more than the night before, and he asked for my number and invited me on a date later on that day. He walked me back to my car, and asked me to breakfast. So we had a really nice breakfast, and planned to meet up a few hours later.

 

 

I came back to his place later that day, and I was happy to find that on a 'fresh start' I still felt the same way, and it just kept getting better being with him. We spent the whole afternoon together, we had a really romantic day.. on the beach, in the water, getting coffee, he kept extending it before he had to meet his family for dinner, wanted to squeeze in a drink and appetizer with me.. he seemed to be totally enamored, and I was feeling really high myself. I liked him a lot.. he was saying things like 'I'm so glad I met you, this is my first day in my new place I just moved into, how ironic all my things are in boxes, and I come back to live here again and I meet you...' He was stroking my hair, kissing me a lot, obviously extremely on fire for me, but really into me too, the conversation was great, we're really on the same level mentally, and have things in common, etc.

 

 

The evening was coming to a close, and he had to go.. but he offered me his key if I wanted to wait for him there! It was going so well, we didn't want it to end... I did take the key, but decided to go home. I had told him that I didn't want his sister to walk in to see me there, and he said "No, no, I think she'd be happy for me. My family would like to see me move on." I was very flattered by that; that shows that he likes me more than just a casual fling... Anyway, I left his key and texted him thank you. He replied that he had a great time and let's do it again soon.

 

 

He is divorced as of about 10 months ago, but separated for 2 years. She lives in another state with his two young kids. He had literally just moved in to his new place here, because he is stationed back in our city again after traveling and living in another state for work.

 

 

We had both shared with each other that we were both in long term relationships that ended a couple years ago, and in the meantime we have both been disinterested or hesitant to get involved with someone seriously again, but now are ready, or willing...

 

 

Ok, so he went out of town for a final custody hearing, so I didn't expect to hear from him for awhile. He texted me while he was there, two days after our date. He flirted, and said 'let's get together soon'.

 

 

The next day, he arrived back in town. He texted me spontaneously and invited me to join him and his buddy who had also just flown in as a surprise visit for work. He lit up again when he saw me and was again very engaged and affectionate. He wanted me to join them for a drink at the next place, but he had to make the night short because of work the next day. We had a great time, even though his friend was there! We all walked out and he gave his friend the key to stay with him and basically gave him the boot so he could be alone with me. He walked me to my car, but put his arm around me and we made out on the sidewalk, not getting very far... ended up making out IN my car, and it was getting so hot and heavy that he said to just come back with him. But before we did, he wanted to have 'the safety talk', which no man has ever done with me outside of the bedroom, or apart from the actual act. I told him I wanted to wait anyway, but at least now that's out of the way.

 

 

We fooled around again, this time taking it a little further.. there came a point where intercourse was about to happen and I said not now and he stopped. He asked me to stay the night but we both had to be at work the next morning. We woke up and he walked me again to my car, hugged and kissed me on the cheek and said 'see you soon, have a good day, etc.'

 

 

That was Thursday morning; today is Monday. I texted him Saturday to say hello and how's the weekend (hint, hint)... and he responded, his friend still in town til Saturday night, etc. I said 'hope to see you again soon'.. and no response.

 

 

I'm freaking out. He seemed very eager before... I didn't sleep with him, and he respects that, we're on the same page... am I jumping the gun by thinking he slipped away already?

 

 

We had an amazing connection and chemistry. He seemed so sincere and genuinely interested in me. Am I being impatient or can people be this fickle?!

[preraph]

Just hang in there and go out with friends and do NOT retext or call him. He's in the middle of a child custody battle. That alone is worth going out and getting yourself stinking drunk with buddies and shedding a tear or so you wouldn't want your new girl to see. Just be a little patient. You know he is very aggressive. I think he's assertive enough to tell you if he was going to blow you off. He may also be dating other girls as well, as men mostly do after they are newly "freed." You may not want to stick around for that, but just saying it's common.

[travelbug1996]

Wait for him to contact you. Stop all the physical stuff. Spend time outside his place doing things besides fooling around. If not he's gonna see you as being easy and men like a lil bit of a challenge. You're putting all your cards on the table.

[sid3]

There's only two possible options I can see here. Either you've met your soulmate by love at first sight, kinda unlikely. Or he's one who could teach the wanna be players how to put it down.

[BluEyeL]

IMO, he's a player. Approach was too smooth. Spending way too much time together too, getting too physical too fast. Yes, I've heard of exceptions, but in this case, I'd put all my money on the "he's a player" option.

[Mrin]

IMO, he's a player. Approach was too smooth. Spending way too much time together too, getting too physical too fast. Yes, I've heard of exceptions, but in this case, I'd put all my money on the "he's a player" option.

 

Damn. I must be a player then. ;-)

 

Ya I don't see the issue here. He's into you and will contact you.

[BluEyeL]

Damn. I must be a player then. ;-)

 

Ya I don't see the issue here. He's into you and will contact you.

OK, we'll see. Can't wait for he update. I hope you're right and it's going to work out.

[venusishername]

Thanks everyone for your input. It's definitely helpful.

I honestly do not get the impression that he's a player.. believe me I have the experience... but then again, I can't help but feel cynical because I've been so badly burned and disappointed when I thought things were heading in the right direction in the past. But this seemed very different. I know the difference between a man that's not that into me and one who is... but as of right now, he very well could be either. I have to add this, which makes me a little hopeful.. when we woke up together, he was being really affectionate with me and said how nice it was to wake up with someone again, that he hasn't had this in a long time. He said I know you probably think I'm just saying this, but this isn't something I normally do...' and honestly, I believe that. He's not a player. Confident and assertive, but not a player.

 

 

 

 

It did all happen quickly and intensely last week...he seemed very eager and excited to talk to me and see me. When we were together we were really engaged and it felt like we were a couple of lusty teenagers. Now he's slammed on the brakes, and it's making me feel very insecure.

 

Wait for him to contact you. Stop all the physical stuff. Spend time outside his place doing things besides fooling around. If not he's gonna see you as being easy and men like a lil bit of a challenge. You're putting all your cards on the table.

 

 

I think this is absolutely true... I would have liked to sit down and get to know more him one on one, I'd still like to...without the physical stuff clouding it. Now I can't help but worry he does think I'm easy. I didn't have sex with him, because I like him too much to take that risk, and I want to get to know him apart from that. It seemed that he was really interested in me, but maybe he just wanted to sleep with me and realized he didn't feel anything more. Now that we took it to the 'next base' so to speak the other night, I wonder if that made him lose interest in pursuing something.

 

 

I won't plan to contact him, but I've thought about reaching out at the end of the week if I don't hear. I do know enough that he's assertive and mature enough to be honest if he changed his mind. Should I not ask?

 

 

The thought crossed my mind that I'd prefer to go out with him once he got his 'house in order', literally, kind of settle in to his new place and readjust to living here again and being back from a final custody hearing which was a big deal to him. But I can't think that far ahead anymore. I just can't bear the thought of another disappointment when my hopes were brought up with this excitement.

 

 

I was really disappointed that I didn't see him over the weekend, or that he hasn't contacted me since. These disappointments make me want to just give up completely. It is so incredibly rare for me to meet someone I'm really interested in! I rarely ever make it past date number two or three. He makes every guy I've ever been out with seem like a total loser. He's a person of high integrity, conservative, a family man, a great and respectable career, intelligent, successful, driven, a gentleman, all the things I want and am attracted to. I'm so worried that I've screwed this up by being physical with him It was hard to resist because he was coming on so strong...

Edited August 26, 2014 by venusishername

[Weezy1973]

If a guy is into you he will contact you. Whether you were physical with him or not is completely irrelevant.

 

To me it would be a flag that he came on so strong when you were a stranger. That's odd in my book - how can you be really enamored with someone (beyond lust) that you don't even know?

[venusishername]

If a guy is into you he will contact you. Whether you were physical with him or not is completely irrelevant.

 

 

Ok, fair enough. Although we did talk about it (sex on the first night, which didn't happen with us) and he said that sure, a guy would want that if he was into someone of course, but it would make him wonder if she did that all the time, and he'd be more hesitant to date her seriously. I agree with you, I'm just playing devil's advocate.

 

 

To me it would be a flag that he came on so strong when you were a stranger. That's odd in my book - how can you be really enamored with someone (beyond lust) that you don't even know?

 

 

Who said 'enamored'? I am very attracted to someone who takes charge like that and walks up and goes after what he wants. I guess I've just met a lot of pansies in my life! He seemed taken aback by me at very first sight and I was very flattered. I'm sure initially of course it was lust, but I did feel a very 'intoxicated' connection as time went on. I like a guy who comes on strong if I'm feeling it too! My last boyfriend made the same kind of approach at first meeting, and we dated for four years. It doesn't put me off at all, unless the guy is a creep of course!

[venusishername]

trying to figure out how to 'quote' correctly here..

Edited August 26, 2014 by venusishername

[I am Bud]

Dear venusishername

 

I think what Weezy1973 was referring too was that a guy who is as experienced as he is with women, is not going to come on that strong towards someone that he doesn't know but is attracted too. Is it possible for a guy who has come out of a divorce to completely throw themselves at another person romantically that they have just met out of the blue?! You would think that common sense would dictate that a person should take it slow so as not to get hurt again.

 

Be careful that you do not put him up on such a high pedestal "He makes every guy I've ever been out with seem like a total loser. He's a person of high integrity, conservative, a family man, a great and respectable career, intelligent, successful, driven, a gentleman, all the things I want and am attracted to". If he is indeed as flawless as you say he is then why would his wife be stupid enough to want to get rid of such a fine specimen of a man and if he is family orientated then why would he not want to be in the same state as his young kids? Surely it would be easier to see them if you were co-located in the same state.

 

Whilst he might not come across as a 'player' it's a trait that can be learned. Hopefully this is not the case in this instance and that he is genuinely interested in you. If he has not contacted you for a few days it might be the case that he is testing you to see whether you like him enough to make contact. If this is the case then I see no harm in you taking the initiative to set up another date. If he has not contacted you for over a week then whatever happened between you was not rooted from a genuine source of interest but was just smoke and mirrors.

 

All the best - Bud.

[BluEyeL]

Try to set up another date. Then either you'll solve your problem positively, or you'll see how fast that attempt is rejected.

[Survivor12]

My advice is to slow down..He's a newly divorced man who is going through many changes, many of which are out of his control. After 2 years of separation and what sounds like a less than amicable divorce, he is Single! It is very likely that he is torn between missing the comfort and intimacy that he once had in his marriage and the excitement & freedom of being a bachelor.

 

The way he approached you sounds as though he was on the hunt and you caught his eye. Touching your leg so soon after meeting indicates to me that he was looking for sex. The sweet talk, while nice, could be the way that he learned he could get attention from his wife and he has become accustomed to using it as a means to an end. When a man wants sex, he will do or say whatever works to get it.

 

To be honest, I think you're walking a fine line...if you are too eager, if you have sex too soon, you could easily end up being put on his "For a Good Time call..." List...but if you hold out or push too soon for a relationship, you risk becoming a rebound or an emotional bandaid, and when he has finally recovered from the loss of his marriage, he'll be ready to experience his freedom & weigh his options.

 

So, as I said, take it slowly...protect your heart. It's way too soon to even be thinking about a relationship with this one. Go ahead and spend time with him, go places, share experiences and have fun. Just enjoy each other's company. Get to know each other (but keep talk about his marital woes at a minimum).

 

It IS possible that you could develop a LT relationship, but it will require patience. Just because he is divorced doesn't mean he is nearly ready. You'll be much better off if you reel in the expectations and keep your emotions in check until you have had time to get to know him & see what his intentions are.

 

Good luck.

[HappyLove]

You have no idea what a player is if you can't see clear as day this guy is a PLAYA! I mean this dude teaches players how to play!

 

Ok, snap out of it! This guy met you at a bar took you home THAT night! If that's not player behavior I don't know what is! The only things you've done outside the bedroom was coffee, appetizers, and make out in your car. He hasn't even taken you on a proper date yet you've almost had sex twice! You turn him down for sex and all of a sudden he isn't so available anymore.

 

Don't get your heart caught up on this one! I know it's intoxicating to meet someone who's seemingly soooooo into you, and he's oh so confident, but (I'm just gonna be honest) you were easy bait. He got you to his bed after meeting you for the first time that same day!

 

Just try to keep a realistic and clear head about this. Also consider what it is you want in a relationship if that's what you TRULY want. If you're just looking for messing around back at some guys place and not properly getting to know each other then proceed.

[venusishername]

You have no idea what a player is if you can't see clear as day this guy is a PLAYA! I mean this dude teaches players how to play!

Ok, snap out of it! This guy met you at a bar took you home THAT night! If that's not player behavior I don't know what is! The only things you've done outside the bedroom was coffee, appetizers, and make out in your car. He hasn't even taken you on a proper date yet you've almost had sex twice! You turn him down for sex and all of a sudden he isn't so available anymore.

QUOTE]

 

Oh no

 

 

You're right. He did get me in bed the first night and he probably thinks I'm easy bait But that's not true what you say about all we've done outside of the bedroom. I'd say we had two dates, the last one was half spent with someone else, so I don't consider that a date. We did not almost have sex twice either. Maybe I'm rationalizing, but it's true, he did meet me at a bar and take me home that night. It just seemed to be a saving grace that things went so well the next day and into the evening...

 

 

And it is NOT what I want anymore. I want something serious; but I guess fooling around with a guy you really like is a surefire way to make that not happen!

Edited August 26, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

If he is indeed as flawless as you say he is then why would his wife be stupid enough to want to get rid of such a fine specimen of a man and if he is family orientated then why would he not want to be in the same state as his young kids? Surely it would be easier to see them if you were co-located in the same state.

 

 

I'm certainly not here to defend him, but he's in the military and from what he has told me she was unfaithful to him while he was deployed. He's also STATIONED in our state for work, when he was previously in the state with his children. He doesn't have a choice in the matter.

 

If he has not contacted you for a few days it might be the case that he is testing you to see whether you like him enough to make contact. If this is the case then I see no harm in you taking the initiative to set up another date. If he has not contacted you for over a week then whatever happened between you was not rooted from a genuine source of interest but was just smoke and mirrors.

 

 

 

Thanks. Well, the last time we had contact was Saturday when I reached out to him. Before that it was Thursday when we saw each other. So would it be fair enough to wait a few more days and make contact? I thought I had made it clear that I hoped to see him again soon. I have a sinking feeling I'm not gonna be hearing from him.

[venusishername]

Help! I really could use some more guidance on this one...it's really hurting my ego that someone could come full steam ahead and then totally slam on the brakes!!

I can't help but think he thinks less of me now, or simply lost interest.

 

 

I'd like to contact him just to find out so I know for certain not to waste anymore time thinking about it. If he rejects me I feel like I may just go over the edge. I've been severely depressed and anxious lately and this prospect felt like the only light in my life at the moment...

[BluEyeL]

So sorry Venus, I think you can contact him, but from my perspective, things are not looking good. I'm sorry you are so fragile right now and a rejection from him would put you further down.

 

I think, before you contact him, you should get some emotional support from friends, have someone with you, or plan to meet someone. Then, you can reach out if you want to have closure, but know that it is very likely that it will result in rejection. Or you can let him go mentally, consider him gone, grieve the loss with family and friends, and if HE reaches out, then you'll be happy.

 

Men who are so smooth and come too strong are usually not good news. It happened to the best of us. Let this be a lesson and be weary of anyone who seems to be so good at this, it means he had a lot of practice. Don't get physical right off the bat in the future, wait until you know the guy a little bit and until you are legitimately dating.

 

I wish you all the best.

[venusishername]

So sorry Venus, I think you can contact him, but from my perspective, things are not looking good. I'm sorry you are so fragile right now and a rejection from him would put you further down.

 

I think, before you contact him, you should get some emotional support from friends, have someone with you, or plan to meet someone. Then, you can reach out if you want to have closure, but know that it is very likely that it will result in rejection. Or you can let him go mentally, consider him gone, grieve the loss with family and friends, and if HE reaches out, then you'll be happy.

 

Thank you. I think it may be best for me to take some time and let it go. I'd like to have some closure, so I think it's a good idea for me to give it a bit longer and then reach out.

[Mrin]

Thank you. I think it may be best for me to take some time and let it go. I'd like to have some closure, so I think it's a good idea for me to give it a bit longer and then reach out.

 

I'm going to be really bummed if he fizzles out. Question - sounds like he's military or something. Could he have been activated or called away?

 

I know, I'm kinda grasping here.

[BluEyeL]

I'm going to be really bummed if he fizzles out. Question - sounds like he's military or something. Could he have been activated or called away?

 

I know, I'm kinda grasping here.

 

I am having a mental image of a guy trying desperately to text Venus to let her know of his unfortunate departure, while four large military men are dragging him through dirt by his collar and into deployment.

[HappyLove]

Girl! Don't get so upset over some guy you've known for a few days. You met a hot guy, had a nice time, got some kisses. You should walk away from this thinking 'I still got it' not woe is me how could I ever go on. Do you even know his last name? You're not so invested neither is he. Chalk it up to a learning experience something you can look back on and laugh about. You really don't know this dude enough to get all upset about him maybe not contacting you again. Take him off the pedestal and keep looking for the right one in case this one disappears.

[Mrin]

I am having a mental image of a guy trying desperately to text Venus to let her know of his unfortunate departure, while four large military men are dragging him through dirt by his collar and into deployment.

 

Ha! You have a valid point.

[venusishername]

I'm going to be really bummed if he fizzles out. Question - sounds like he's military or something. Could he have been activated or called away?

 

I know, I'm kinda grasping here.

 

 

Hi Mrin, thanks for your support. I'm trying to focus on my work but I'm fighting the tears! I think I'm so fragile and affected by this because I've been treated so badly in the past and had my heart broken... and honestly I feel like a lot of men see me as just a sex object, or at least maybe I just feel that way about myself...

 

I think your question was rhetorical, but either way, a romantic thought! Yes, he is military. I have no idea if or where his work may have taken him. He's a high ranking officer pilot so I would expect there's a hell of a lot that comes up on a daily basis, so who knows.

Edited August 26, 2014 by venusishername