Finally ready...

[venusishername]

I think it's very common for people to project their own beliefs/fears, etc. onto other situations.

I know who I am and now is a good a time any to get out of the mindset that has been holding me back (meaning obsessing, seeking validation). Why not change my tune and stop taking things so seriously?! I'm not chasing or throwing myself at someone, or acting desperate!

 

The good news is there's nothing going on with this guy for the time being; and it possibly will not even continue, so this all is kind of a moot point. I just wanted to post the update.

 

I really don't care if he 'read' my text as "hey baby, I'm making myself available for fooling around". I'm confident enough in myself to know that's not what I mean or will act upon. I simply said I'm back in town, we should get together sometime. I hate all this reading between the lines crap. It's totally unnecessary.

 

IF we do see each other again, the point I was trying to make was that I wanted to slow it down (meaning put the physical part on hold).

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I think it's very common for people to project their own beliefs/fears, etc. onto other situations.

 

I completely agree. You can always tell when one person has had a bad experience that's shaped their outlook. But what do you think it means when on this thread---on a site full of misogynists, strident feminists, cheaters, idealists, lovers, liars, losers, good souls, bad souls, and every other kind of person alive---every single person for sixteen-plus pages thinks he's a player?

 

I've never dated a player. That's not how I roll. But I know men, and moreover, I know people. So do the rest of us. What do you think is more likely: that he's a super-special snowflake only you can fully understand, or that everyone else on planet Earth is able to tell he's a jerk?

 

I know who I am and now is a good a time any to get out of the mindset that has been holding me back (meaning obsessing, seeking validation).

 

What are you doing if not seeking validation right now? You seek validation when you post over and over again about why it's OK for you to do something that keeps you from moving on. Your text message was seeking validation (a response) from him.

 

Why not change my tune and stop taking things so seriously?! I'm not chasing or throwing myself at someone, or acting desperate!

 

Yes, you are. Contacting a guy who can't be bothered to text you after sex is chasing after him. Contacting a guy who has completely ignored you for two weeks is both chasing after him AND desperate.

 

...I really don't care if he 'read' my text as "hey baby, I'm making myself available for fooling around". I'm confident enough in myself to know that's not what I mean or will act upon. I simply said I'm back in town, we should get together sometime. I hate all this reading between the lines crap. It's totally unnecessary.

 

This is the crux of the problem. Your perspective is completely warped. You are either unable or unwilling to see what everyone else sees; you are unable or unwilling to understand how you sound to everyone else; you are unable or unwilling to accept that some people might not be interested in you. Reading this thread makes me think I'm dealing with an unreliable narrator whose accounting of events may be very different from the reality.

 

I was genuinely encouraged by the post you wrote before your vacation. It sounded like you'd had enough crap and were done with it. Now you're slowly trying to rewrite history by making him seem less bad and making yourself seem less attached in every post.

 

You need a healthy, objective viewpoint. If you don't trust all these strangers on the Internet (I wouldn't either, although such overwhelming majorities are usually on to something) you should see a psychologist. It will help you gain a more nuanced and accurate perspective on your life, which will in turn keep you from getting into situations like this. Otherwise you're going to be here three months from now posting about how you caught him in bed with someone else but it doesn't really bother you because you're casual and cool with it and maybe if you start dressing sexier he'll want to commit, right?

 

Oh, and:

 

I'm still remaining open to other options. There just aren't any others readily available right now.

 

That is not a reason to pursue someone who isn't even interested. Dating for the sake of dating is not how you get into a committed, loving relationship. If you were in a pool with deadly infected sharks you would not swim with the malaria shark just because it's better than all the ebola sharks. You would get the hell out of the pool.

Edited September 28, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[venusishername]

I appreciate the points you are making chimpan-z.

You are right about one thing for sure: that I've been seeking validation by posting here and I think that's good enough reason to stop.

I'm not trying to make excuses or justify anything. If I've come across as chasing and desperate, so be it. It doesn't matter if I don't continue on that way. I'm backing out now and am not going to do anything more. I just wanted to try and give it a chance is all. I've done my part and I don't regret that.

[cif]

'I'm back in town, glad to be home. We should get a drink sometime, I had a good time with you.' (Shouldve omitted the last line since clearly hed take it as meaning the sex, that obviously was not so great for him)

 

'Welcome back! Yes let's get together soon.'

 

Now a guy that was the least bit interested wouldve responded in several ways. Examples...

 

How was your trip?

Or..

Yes im free so and so time ,date

Or..

When are you free this weekend?

Or..

Phone rings

Edited September 28, 2014 by cif

[Eighty_nine]

I agree with most of you who say this guy has no real interest in anything other than sex and never will. BUT - please stop commenting on the length of this thread. It's as long as it is because Venus is providing her insight, posters are providing their very valid opinions, experience, etc. What kind of place is this id we criticize the length of a thread? We're here for info, support etc and I actually think this is a very helpful and interesting topic of discussion.

 

And why must we use words like "desperate"? Do I think Venus is probably making a mistake continuing to talk to this guy? Yes. But using offensive "buzz words" is not helpful- there are always reasons we pursue pain and disappointment that are generally a lot more complicated than because we are "desperate", or whatever.

 

People learn best from their own experiences, period. But maybe some of what we have shared can help her make improved decisions, even if not great ones (for now.)

[cif]

Just my opinion, however I don't think the word 'desperate' was meant directly at OP but at how her actions may appear to this guy.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

For the record, the OP was the one who first brought up being (or not being) "desperate". And, as cif said, I was indeed suggesting that the actions were desperate rather than the person herself.

 

I am not criticizing the length of this thread. There is nothing wrong with someone sharing their experiences as they happen, even at length; one of the most profound and moving threads I've seen on this site is one poster talking about her struggles over the course of a year. However, I do think it's significant that this thread has attracted so many people and they're almost all saying the same thing. On this website you're lucky if any two people have a remotely similar interpretation of events; hell, I bet posting a thread about "What is your favorite kind of pizza" would turn into a scorched-earth flame war. The fact that so many people have posted in this thread saying the same thing is extremely unusual. It also makes OP's unwillingness to accept their advice very unusual as well.

 

Venus, I don't want you to feel attacked. This is your thread and if nothing else it serves as a useful cognitive diary. And as others have said, everyone needs to be free to make their own mistakes. But it's hard for me to have sympathy or cheer you on when you keep sliding back to this guy and trying to justify why it isn't a backslide. You're opening yourself up to a lot of hurt and rather than walk away you keep hanging on for more. You're so much smarter than this.

[venusishername]

Thanks, everyone.

Yes, the length of this thread has been mainly because I'm using it as kind of a 'diary'.

I don't think I'll be seeing him again anyway, so I believe all of this is a moot issue at this point. If he wanted to see me, he would. He's not offering the bare minimum (meaning just a sexual relationship)... he's not offering anything at all. Although if I wasn't interested in someone, I would tell them so. I guess not everyone does that. I'm definitely not going to contact him again. If he happens to contact me, then I'd cross that bridge at that time. We will see. That's not on the table at this point in time, so no use wasting mental energy on it.

I'm sure he either met someone else, or changed his mind, or both. It's ok, it happens. That's part of the risk of dating. Although that's his loss because I'm a great woman and have a lot to offer! (although clearly I have some issues I need to work on).

I know the majority opinion here was that he just 'played' me and 'used' me, but I was a participant and I know that wasn't all there was to it. We did enjoy each others' company. Something just changed. I know it's nothing I did or didn't do though.

 

Off to enjoy the Sunday.

[venusishername]

Oy...

Well, I was out today heading for a walk with my best girlfriend and her baby, and he and I passed each other on the sidewalk. I didn't notice gabbing with my gf, but he stopped and called to me. I introduced to my friend, and she kind of stepped aside while we talked for a few minutes. He was very friendly and smiling, asking how I'm doing, what's going on, etc. He was alone and said he was heading to grab something to eat and watch the game somewhere...looked like he was just kind of wandering along. I said we were heading for a long walk. I ended the conversation and said 'see you around' and we smiled.

We were at a busy corner of an intersection, lots of people around, once she and I walked ahead I glanced back and saw him turn back and look as he walked into a little restaurant across the street.

Gf said 'Did you notice the way he was looking at you?! He looked like he could've eaten you alive.' I didn't notice, and she said 'I definitely did!, his body language, etc.' Before we passed each other, she said she had noticed him walking and thought she'd point him out to me because she thought he was really attractive and my type. She's sweet, she said 'you look really good today too. Nice job.'

Anyway, I just as much figured he wasn't interested anymore, as many of you have mentioned here, but the interaction today to me said otherwise. It's been weeks since we have seen each other, and me being out of town, but I felt the same attraction was there for sure and my gf noticed it. I kind of thought that would have faded.. but not for me. He looked just as good as I remember. Just when I was trying to put this out of my mind and move on :/

I realize that he didn't extend an invitation, or make reference to a next time, but this is where I can't help but be confused. I didn't mention a next time, I ended the conversation. I was cool and friendly and light. He acted friendly and engaged. He didn't have to stop me; I wouldn't have noticed unless he did and would've kept on walking and talking.

Ugh. I know the responses I'm going to get here..

I would guess that now it's likely I'll hear from him, but then again who knows. But we will be running into each other from here on out and it wasn't awkward at all; at least that's good. I don't know, after such a short time dating and just as long not seeing each other, I would expect of course things could change.. but he did seem like he wanted to talk to me and was still interested. ?

Edited September 29, 2014 by venusishername

[cif]

Ugh. I know the responses I'm going to get here..

I would guess that now it's likely I'll hear from him, but then again who knows. But we will be running into each other from here on out and it wasn't awkward at all; at least that's good. I don't know, after such a short time dating and just as long not seeing each other, I would expect of course things could change.. but he did seem like he wanted to talk to me and was still interested. ?

So if the responses here are so irritating to you, why not just ask him if he's still interested?

[venusishername]

So if the responses here are so irritating to you, why not just ask him if he's still interested?

 

I'm not irritated by the responses here; I'm just frustrated now. I just meant that I have a feeling I know what some may say and that I'm back-pedaling by hoping to see him again. I don't think it's necessary to ask him if he's still interested. Plus, wouldn't that come across as "desperate"?

I think after today and the fact that he responded the way he did the other day indicates his interest... although not sure how much...

Maybe just enough to keep me as a side dish, huh? Heck, he could very well have met someone and is seeing her regularly now and that's why the distance. I don't know.

Edited September 29, 2014 by venusishername

[Zahara]

It's really very simple. I believe we do mental gymnastics to justify clinging to a thought, belief or want because we're just in denial to see things for what they are.

 

With the intense pursuit he showed you at the bar when he first met you till the time he had sex with you, that same intensity and interest has died. At this point the degree of interest is irrelevant. A look, a smile, a generic text, a turn around, a glance -- it all doesn't matter because what should be progressing has severly regressed. You're holding on for dear life on the little things.

 

You asked him before you went on your vacation to meet up, he declined and told you to let him know when you're back and you both would get together. You texted him back and told him you were back and he gave you a half baked response with no definite plans. There was no reciprocating your invite to meet up.

 

Interest would have been, "I'm glad to hear you are back! How was your trip? I'd love to see you again so let me know if you're free anytime this week or we could even plan something for the weekend." If he responded that way, I will say yes he is interested. Instead he gave you a crumb. He didn't even try to keep a conversation going. There's a startling difference between how he pursued you then, and how he's behaving now.

 

Since then, nothing from him. You see him on the street, and even then, nothing. He could have easily asked you out to go grab a bite and watch the game with him -- if that could have been a plan to meet since your trip back. But instead, he was spending the day alone.

 

And yes, please do not ask him if he's interested. This is hard on your ego, Venus. You cannot stand the fact that he is not pursuing you. Not everyone is going to like us, not everyone is going to have our best interest at heart, not everyone is going to do the right thing by us and not everyone is going to think we're all that and a bag of chips. It's a hard pill to swallow but it is what it is.

 

When a man wants a woman or even has some level of interest, he will show you. It is really, very simple.

Edited September 29, 2014 by Zahara

[clia]

I think after today and the fact that he responded the way he did the other day indicates his interest... although not sure how much...

 

You know what indicates his interest? Taking you out on a date. Making plans to see you. Calling you. He's doing none of these things.

[boilingpoint]

I'm not irritated by the responses here; I'm just frustrated now. I just meant that I have a feeling I know what some may say and that I'm back-pedaling by hoping to see him again. I don't think it's necessary to ask him if he's still interested. Plus, wouldn't that come across as "desperate"?

I think after today and the fact that he responded the way he did the other day indicates his interest... although not sure how much...

Maybe just enough to keep me as a side dish, huh? Heck, he could very well have met someone and is seeing her regularly now and that's why the distance. I don't know.

 

Ah... unrequited love.... it's hard but at the same time it's kind of nice ;-)

 

I mean I had the same kind of problem with my drama teacher - totally obsessed over her while she totally lost interest in me. Took me ages to come to terms with the 'I can't believe she isn't interested!' bit. Although you got to sleep with this guy, so count yourself lucky. I didn't get anywhere with this girl/woman I liked.

 

Anyway yeah, not gonna judge it and say whether I think you have a chance or not but just text him and ask if he wants to catch a drink sometime soonish, either this week or next - that way you'll get your final answer.

[cif]

Ah... unrequited love.... it's hard but at the same time it's kind of nice ;-)

 

I mean I had the same kind of problem with my drama teacher - totally obsessed over her while she totally lost interest in me. Took me ages to come to terms with the 'I can't believe she isn't interested!' bit. Although you got to sleep with this guy, so count yourself lucky. I didn't get anywhere with this girl/woman I liked.

 

Anyway yeah, not gonna judge it and say whether I think you have a chance or not but just text him and ask if he wants to catch a drink sometime soonish, either this week or next - that way you'll get your final answer.

 

Except Venus isn't a love sick teenager. She's a 30 year old grown woman.

 

She has been initiating all contact. The last time he initiated was for a bootie call, and when she shot him down he lost interest.

[boilingpoint]

Except Venus isn't a love sick teenager. She's a 30 year old grown woman.

 

She has been initiating all contact. The last time he initiated was for a bootie call, and when she shot him down he lost interest.

 

There's a condescending tone to your post. I haven't read all of it because it's too long but whether she was 15 years old or 30 years old, crushes happen throughout life so don't give me that BS.

 

Guess it's been a while for you...

[cif]

There's a condescending tone to your post. I haven't read all of it because it's too long but whether she was 15 years old or 30 years old, crushes happen throughout life so don't give me that BS.

 

Guess it's been a while for you...

 

If you havent read don't give advice.. it was poor.

[venusishername]

It's really very simple. I believe we do mental gymnastics to justify clinging to a thought, belief or want because we're just in denial to see things for what they are.

 

With the intense pursuit he showed you at the bar when he first met you till the time he had sex with you, that same intensity and interest has died. At this point the degree of interest is irrelevant. A look, a smile, a generic text, a turn around, a glance -- it all doesn't matter because what should be progressing has severly regressed. You're holding on for dear life on the little things.

 

You asked him before you went on your vacation to meet up, he declined and told you to let him know when you're back and you both would get together. You texted him back and told him you were back and he gave you a half baked response with no definite plans. There was no reciprocating your invite to meet up.

 

Interest would have been, "I'm glad to hear you are back! How was your trip? I'd love to see you again so let me know if you're free anytime this week or we could even plan something for the weekend." If he responded that way, I will say yes he is interested. Instead he gave you a crumb. He didn't even try to keep a conversation going. There's a startling difference between how he pursued you then, and how he's behaving now.

 

Since then, nothing from him. You see him on the street, and even then, nothing. He could have easily asked you out to go grab a bite and watch the game with him -- if that could have been a plan to meet since your trip back. But instead, he was spending the day alone.

 

And yes, please do not ask him if he's interested. This is hard on your ego, Venus. You cannot stand the fact that he is not pursuing you. Not everyone is going to like us, not everyone is going to have our best interest at heart, not everyone is going to do the right thing by us and not everyone is going to think we're all that and a bag of chips. It's a hard pill to swallow but it is what it is.

 

When a man wants a woman or even has some level of interest, he will show you. It is really, very simple.

 

Fine, fine, fine. If what you're saying is true, this thread is done and over.

Of COURSE it's hard on my ego when he was pursuing me intensely and then backs off. It's also hard on my ego when even my friend notices that he seemed very attracted to me and he doesn't make an effort or invitation to see me. It makes me wonder if it was something I did in bed that turned him off or something (I know that's stupid).

Edited September 29, 2014 by venusishername

[Zahara]

Fine, fine, fine. If what you're saying is true, this thread is done and over.

 

The thread should be done and over with if you can't take posters trying to instill in you what's simple and straightforward. It's futile if you're going to get defensive about it and not be objective and open to what's being said.

 

Not because if what I say is true. You are free to keep this thread going for whatever reasons beneficial to you.

 

Good luck to you.

[cif]

Fine, fine, fine. If what you're saying is true, this thread is done and over.

Of COURSE it's hard on my ego when he was pursuing me intensely and then backs off. It's also hard on my ego when even my friend notices that he seemed very attracted to me and he doesn't make an effort or invitation to see me. It makes me wonder if it was something I did in bed that turned him off or something (I know that's stupid).

 

Remember.. he's a betrayed spouse. There's a possibility he may think you're very attractive (or easy) and not really see himself able to trust you. We don't know. REGARDLESS, he's not interested, probably has issues, needs to be put in the past and you should move on.

[venusishername]

Remember.. he's a betrayed spouse. There's a possibility he may think you're very attractive (or easy) and not really see himself able to trust you. We don't know. REGARDLESS, he's not interested, probably has issues, needs to be put in the past and you should move on.

 

This is an interesting comment. What does being a betrayed spouse have to do with it? I assume you mean not trusting women and not wanting to get too close?

I have to say, half the posts in this thread have been that he's just keeping me on the hook and going to try for a purely casual thing with me; now not interested at all, the input seems inconsistent...

 

 

Either way, yes, a good idea to put it in the past; if it happens to resurface on the street again or whatnot, so be it. If he wanted to see me, he would. For whatever reasons he says he says he wants to keep in touch and yes let's meet up, but doesn't follow through. F*** it.

Edited September 29, 2014 by venusishername

[cif]

I have to say, half the posts in this thread have been that he's just keeping me on the hook and going to try for a purely casual thing with me; now not interested at all, the input seems inconsistent...

 

The advice has been consistent with his actions (or lack of). In the beginning he was coming on strong, as well as being newly divorced.. not a good combo, screams player/rebound. THEN he didn't call you after sex for a week or so but contacted last minute.. then contact ceased all together = not interested. His loss, right?

[venusishername]

The advice has been consistent with his actions (or lack of). In the beginning he was coming on strong, as well as being newly divorced.. not a good combo, screams player/rebound. THEN he didn't call you after sex for a week or so but contacted last minute.. then contact ceased all together = not interested. His loss, right?

 

You tend to slightly exaggerate with the facts, but sure, I get it. I'm really trying not to care anymore.

Edited September 29, 2014 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

This is an interesting comment. What does being a betrayed spouse have to do with it? I assume you mean not trusting women and not wanting to get too close?

I have to say, half the posts in this thread have been that he's just keeping me on the hook and going to try for a purely casual thing with me; now not interested at all, the input seems inconsistent...

 

 

Either way, yes, a good idea to put it in the past; if it happens to resurface on the street again or whatnot, so be it. If he wanted to see me, he would. For whatever reasons he says he says he wants to keep in touch and yes let's meet up, but doesn't follow through. F*** it.

 

I think by "interested" people mean in an actual relationship. I don't think anyone doubts his interest in casual sex.... and the reason he may not be texting you about meeting up could be because you declined his last minute invite. Maybe that sent him a message that you weren't casual sex girl and he doesn't have the capacity to offer anything else right now. Any chance he got back together with his ex?

[venusishername]

I think by "interested" people mean in an actual relationship. I don't think anyone doubts his interest in casual sex.... and the reason he may not be texting you about meeting up could be because you declined his last minute invite. Maybe that sent him a message that you weren't casual sex girl and he doesn't have the capacity to offer anything else right now. Any chance he got back together with his ex?

 

Hmm, good points Lissvarna. This is certainly easier to believe (and frankly, much easier to swallow) than accepting what I keep hearing over and over here that people are saying 'he's not even REMOTELY interested in you' and that I'm acting 'desperate' and 'chasing him'. I don't see that the casual sex offer is on the table, so that's why I've been struggling to understand how he could be interested in that that but not be actively trying to pursue it. It's true, he knows that I'm not willing to be a casual sex kind of girl, because I told him that directly (although then slept with him and took that risk) and and then the following weekend when he reached out to me, I declined his last minute request. That's when things changed; at least in my view. I guess maybe he thought that was what I was offering, and when it was met with some resistance on my part, he backed off!

I HIGHLY doubt that he got back together or would consider getting back with the ex but then again, who knows?! I still think he's a nice guy, but definitely has some baggage he's dealing with and is not emotionally available at the moment, regardless of whether he is 'interested', 'not interested', 'player' or not.

Edited September 29, 2014 by venusishername