Finally ready...

[Zahara]

DONE!!!!

 

I know I'm hot stuff and he'd be a FOOL not to come back sniffling. They always friggin do. I totally agree, let's see how long it takes. Actually, at this moment I feel great!!!

 

Good! Now start making your list of things to pack --- cutest bikinis, hottie outfits, sexy shoes, curling iron, shower cap (I always forget it) -- and go out there and strut it!

[venusishername]

Now just to avoid meeting anyone in Florida.

[Zahara]

Now just to avoid meeting anyone in Florida.

 

I know!

 

LS, I'm back. I met someone in FL and I'm now in an LDR...

[venusishername]

I know!

LS, I'm back. I met someone in FL and I'm now in an LDR...

 

 

Ha, no way!! Last thing I want right now is to meet someone else and risk this **** happening again, and I'm not interested in an LDR anyway.

 

I know it sounds shallow but one of the sexiest things I found about this guy was that he's a Navy pilot. With the 'baggage' he comes with, and the fact that he's not looking for anything serious right now, that seems to be the best thing he has going for him (which is actually still really a lot.) DAMN!!! I kind of was getting swept away into the whole 'Officer and A Gentleman' and 'TopGun' fantasy. I couldn't help it.

Edited September 11, 2014 by venusishername

[Zahara]

I kind of was getting swept away into the whole 'Officer and A Gentleman' and 'TopGun' fantasy. I couldn't help it.

 

I think most women tend to!

[KatZee]

This guy was good.

 

Also, he's a pilot. Notorious womanizers. Most have ladies in the cities they fly to!

 

Too many excuses to not get together. Too many days in between speaking with you. Absolutely he's casually dating and having sex with other women. Please take yourself to the gyno and get checked for STDs.

 

I hope you've deleted his number.

[venusishername]

I feel like I turned a leaf this afternoon. I talked to my dad about this who told me to get a grip, and grow up. I have been putting entirely too much negativity, self-imposed drama and projecting my own insecurities and fears into this situation from the start.

I trust my own intuition far more than mu own cynicism and the cynicism of others. I know or I think I know a player out to get laid when I see one. They are some of the men from my past.

I have struggled for years with being open and ready to trust and let something happen naturally. In this situation I've been wanting to label or control it mentally. It's subconsciously sabotaging any potential for moving forward.

It's much easier to be 'hard' and make generalizations, think all pilots are womanizers and doubt a man's intentions when you've been burned.

I want to trust. I mainly need to trust in myself.

Certainly he could very well be some jerk. However I'm taking this on it's face. He asked to see me. I played hard to get. I played into bad behaviors that hold me back. I said I was leaving town and of he's available. He happens to be unavailable but told me to definitely let him know when I return so we can get together. There is no hidden meaning or agenda in that.

Like I said it's easy to be hard. But I'd rather go forward being confident in what I do know, my intuition. This negativity is totally unwarranted and not worth it.

I'm a real and sincere person but I've been far too guarded. I'm letting go of this crutch.

[Zahara]

I think all of these posters speaking from experience, having seen the signs, can't be all wrong. You're all over the place and what's clear is that the moment you hear someone tell you want you want to hear, you change your stance. The fact is you're in deep and you want what you want so no matter what we say, you'll learn from your own doing.

 

Hopefully things turn around and he shows up for you.

[venusishername]

I'm going to close for now with these thoughts:

 

I truly do appreciate and do not discount your input and what each person's opinion is and the experiences that formed those opinions. I don't want to beat a dead horse here.

 

However, I personally have to come to a peace with this so I can move forward in general. This has really put me in a bad space and I need to get out of it immediately by not being negative, making generalizations, insecure, needy, shutting myself out, or desperately seeking validation and assurance from others.

My dad's words rang into my head today and have shaken me out of this hole I got myself into. My best guy friend read the messages on my phone tonight and his immediate reaction after what I told him and what he read was "You're being a high maintenance dumbass. There is nothing wrong here. You are making this a big deal and a problem in your head. He told you he wanted to get in touch once you returned. You could and should just simply respond, 'Have a great weekend, will get in touch!'" My stepmother who always tells me the painful truth told me to stop projecting so much negativity into this and that there is nothing wrong at all with the exchange that happened and that I really need to get a grip. Yes, that may be easier for me to hear than 'he screwed you over and all pilots are womanizers and you should get tested for disease.' You can't all be wrong on LS, but the people who I trust and who know and love me the most can't all be wrong either.

 

I'm disappointed that I didn't see him this past weekend, although that was my doing when I declined his invitation. I could have been honest and not played games and hard to get. I am disappointed that I didn't hear from him until days after we slept together. I am disappointed that he isn't available this weekend to see me before I go. I have been disappointed that it hasn't moved at the pace I would like it to. In the end, I set myself up with the high expectations at too early a stage and I was disappointed when my expectations weren't met. I take full responsibility for that.

 

I titled this thread 'finally ready', but what I have learned from this is that I'm really not quite there at all. Having a fatalistic and cynical attitude is what kept me in the same place and repeating the same patterns with the wrong men for my entire adulthood. I can't expect to let a healthy relationship develop naturally if I'm falling back on my old bad habits, mental stress, and projecting cynicism and insecurities. Like my dad said, 'Grow up and be a woman.' A grown man with a successful career and a full life doesn't want an insecure and needy little girl. Step up to the plate. It's far too soon to throw in the towel and assume the very worst. He could have easily said nothing at all, or said 'I'm sorry, I'm not available, not interested, etc.' I also don't see how he could be possibly brushing me off today if just a few days ago he was hoping I was available to meet.

 

Whether or not he just used me and is stringing me along, or whether I should chill out and let it happen as it will naturally and take it at face value without overanalyzing and playing games, I simply do not see the benefit of putting up a stone wall of bitterness and negativity, deleting and shutting out a possibility of being receptive. That doesn't help me at all.

 

What has truly held me back with men I've dated since my break up is my fear and belief that I can't trust, I can't open up and be receptive because I'll get hurt, so instead I'll just close off and shut it down. I've been in a lot of pain and I see that has prevented me from moving on. When I meet someone I like and who likes me, my immediate reaction has been 'when's the other shoe going to drop? He probably just wants me for sex. He probably changed his mind, I'm not good enough anyway and I don't deserve it, so I'm going to disappear and fade out. That's what I did here. I have self-sabotaged my own progress, I can recognize that now.

 

I have a busy weekend and am leaving Monday. When I return, I will be in a much better place and certainly will have a better clarity of this. I'm not worried much anymore wondering if that text today was the brush off, or that he doesn't really want to see me, or wondering if he does in fact want to reconnect with me like he said let's do. Certainly I would feel a sense of validation if he reached out to me in the interim. However, I think this is a good time for me to reflect and come to an understanding of how I feel comfortable with the mindset moving forward and what it is I really require and am ready for.

 

Thanks for listening and for your insights. Good night.

Edited September 12, 2014 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

Have a good vacation. I guess you have to see things through with the guy as well. If you still have hope (I have zero hope for this relationship, but I hope I'm wrong), just go ahead and stop playing hard to get (you didn't really play hard to get though) and just text him when you get back, tell him you got back and would like to get together. It's your life and sometimes you can't rest until you go all the way and are sure that you tried everything.

[BluEyeL]

Oh, and just adding. There is not just one type of player. There are many types. So if you saw a player before, it doesn't mean you saw them all, and oh you know so well "what a player is".

[BlueIris]

What has truly held me back with men I've dated since my break up is my fear and belief that I can't trust, I can't open up and be receptive because I'll get hurt, so instead I'll just close off and shut it down. I've been in a lot of pain and I see that has prevented me from moving on. When I meet someone I like and who likes me, my immediate reaction has been 'when's the other shoe going to drop? He probably just wants me for sex. He probably changed his mind, I'm not good enough anyway and I don't deserve it, so I'm going to disappear and fade out. That's what I did here. I have self-sabotaged my own progress, I can recognize that now.

 

I don't know if this is true for you... For me, my head gets in the way, or used to more than it does now. I had a habit of meeting someone, liking or enjoying him, and then (1) deciding who he was and (2) wanting him to like me and forgetting that I have to decide if I like him first. It was as though I was seeing an incomplete, sketchy outline of who someone was and then, in my own mind, filling in a complete picture of who he was based on what I wanted him to be. Essentially- "Wow, he's great!" before I could possibly know that he's great or not. Once my head had filled in the paint-by-numbers outline, my brain would reject or override the information that didn't fit my own creation. But more important was that I forgot that I'm the picker. I'm supposed to decide if someone is the kind of person I want in my life-- Is he good for me? That's a really big question with lots of factors, absolutely impossible to know or decide quickly. But it's my responsibility, really, just as much as it's his to decide if I'm right for him. I think lots of people forget that, men and women. Once I learned that I'm the picker (my best friend used to say that all the time!!), things slowed down for me. I still get the swirly excited feeling when I click with someone but now it's easier to still flirt and express myself and have fun, but also have perspective and wait to learn about someone in greater depth. I end up get just as excited about thinking, "Yum, he's really great so far. I can't wait to see if he's what I want."

I dunno. I hope that has some value to you.

Edited September 12, 2014 by BlueIris

[venusishername]

Have a good vacation. I guess you have to see things through with the guy as well. If you still have hope (I have zero hope for this relationship, but I hope I'm wrong), just go ahead and stop playing hard to get (you didn't really play hard to get though) and just text him when you get back, tell him you got back and would like to get together. It's your life and sometimes you can't rest until you go all the way and are sure that you tried everything.

 

I'm kind of surprised to hear you say that I have to see it through, BlueEye. Either way, I'll see how I'm feeling then. If I do reach out to him in a week's time when I return, who knows, maybe it will be just to satisfy my curiousity. Not quite there yet. We have only known each other for less than a month. By the time I return it will have been 2 weeks that we haven't seen each other. You know, sometimes when you 'revisit' things it just isn't the same. We'll see.

[BluEyeL]

Sometimes is not over until is over in your head. No matter what logic says, if you didn't see things through and were 100% sure that the relationship had no other chances, you'll wonder "what if". You keep backpeddling and talking nonsense about how you push people away (not the case here), so I think you need to be sure.

 

It is likely that you'll meet some more rejection, but if that's what it takes for you not to wonder "what if" then that's what you need to do.

[venusishername]

Had a tough time sleeping last night.

You know, the more I think about it I don't feel like his text yesterday was a brush off by any means, or he was just trying to be nice and let me down easy, etc. He couldn't have gone a few days and completely changed his tune. Besides, he would be pretty dumb if he changed his mind about me, that I do know for sure... and I don't think he's dumb.

 

Yes, he is likely casually dating and could be sleeping with another woman or women. I'm not seeing anyone else, but I personally have never and would never sleep with more than one person at a time. I'd end it with one person before moving on to the next. I know that it happens and some people are ok with it, though. Just not for me. My gut instinct about this is that he's interested, as he should be because I'm beautiful and awesome and he wants me, and I have no reason to believe that there's anything wrong or he's rejecting me... but the pure fact is that he's keeping me on the 'hook' and is at this moment is only interested in casually dating me. He'd be a fool to let me slip away and he knows it. That's why he keeps popping up and giving me these indications of his interest.

 

I think that when I return next Friday, I will for sure have a better idea of if I want to put forth any energy into 'finding out' if he wants to pick up where we left off. There's a chance I could hear in the meantime but I don't expect it.

 

I really like what BlueIris said about 'picking'. That's what it's about, not the other way around. Another poster said something similar earlier in the thread. That way it takes the sting out of a perceived rejection and turns it over to more of a 'well, maybe he's not really the right guy for me'!

 

!

[heartshaped]

Maybe the guy's interested, maybe he isn't, but if I were you I wouldn't be interested or trying to talk myself into some guy that's disappointed you this much this early on. Way too many fish in the sea, but I'm thinking some of this is because you slept with him so early and now are kind of attached.

 

One thing I'll say for sure, he isn't prioritizing seeing you. Yes, it's early on, but when I like someone and am sleeping with them I'll prioritize seeing that person. It's not that complicated.

 

Sometimes, a spade is just a spade.

[GildedLily]

I don't think he's popping up every few days and texting you because "he knows he's a fool to let you get away" guys love ego stroking and keeping girls around for attention. But you describe yourself as beautiful and getting glances every few moments from men, then you will have no problem finding someone or many more men who are enamored with you.

[venusishername]

You guys are going to eat this up.

I was out last night with friends and saw him with a chick! I know, I can't be too shocked but it still stings.

He didn't see me I'm pretty certain. It was crowded and dark. Anyway I had to step outside for a second to calm down.

My friends were saying you can't be too surprised,you're not exclusive, you just met. He did say he had a friend in town this weekend. My guy friend said why on earth would a man of his age, divorced, father, officer, pilot... Why would he play games and make something up like that?? He would just come straight out and be honest, you know? An immature boy (I know from experience) would make excuses and play games. They all think I should've met him halfway last weekend and this weekend is not much different than last, just the other way around. They say just text him when you're back like he said, if you do like him. We'll see.

Either way it was a good thing for me to see him possibly out on a date. He's not prioritizing me so I'm not going to prioritize him mentally and emotionally any longer. There ARE many fish in the sea but I need to work on being emotionally secure and available myself. My friends all know I got badly hurt from my last boyfriend and have struggles with being open, and trusting, and being ready.

I'm certain I'll be running into him again and/or communicating.. we frequent the same places and live in the same town. In the meantime I'm actually feeling better about this than before. It stung last night but it was good for me to see. Of all places too, we never go there, and there he is.

It's good to know for sure now that it's not worth stressing over, wondering, or feeling insecure. I like the guy, I'd consider seeing him again, but I'm not directing my focus there any longer.

Edited September 13, 2014 by venusishername

[HappyLove]

What he's doing is being a PLAYA as was stated back on page one. Hey the only reason we try to beat it in your head is because we been there done that. In his mind this IS his friend that's in town for the weekend. I'm sure he has a slew of other "friends" too! I'm glad you saw it for yourself too! Time to move on. He's no prize girl! I mean he's rarely even contacted you he's not relationship material. Just a player.

[venusishername]

What he's doing is being a PLAYA as was stated back on page one. Hey the only reason we try to beat it in your head is because we been there done that. In his mind this IS his friend that's in town for the weekend. I'm sure he has a slew of other "friends" too! I'm glad you saw it for yourself too! Time to move on. He's no prize girl! I mean he's rarely even contacted you he's not relationship material. Just a player.

 

I don't know, HappyLove. But I do know this: I'm just not that worried about it anymore!

[BluEyeL]

Your friends are straight up stupid. I don't tell my friends the truth either, to be honest. I can't tell someone to their face something that I know they don't want to hear because I don't want to upset them and have them hate me. Is wrong of me, but you are absolutely desperate for this idiot and your friends just tell you what you want to hearl I'm out of this thread.

[venusishername]

Your friends are straight up stupid. I don't tell my friends the truth either, to be honest. I can't tell someone to their face something that I know they don't want to hear because I don't want to upset them and have them hate me. Is wrong of me, but you are absolutely desperate for this idiot and your friends just tell you what you want to hearl I'm out of this thread.

 

I'm not desperate. I just liked the guy. And I don't think my friends are stupid, I don't keep stupid friends who won't be truthful with me.

Anyway, this is a dead horse now either way and if I come back here later and say that I'm going out with him again, I don't want the judgment or criticism that I'm being desperate. Can't take it so seriously!

[Zahara]

I'm not desperate. I just liked the guy. And I don't think my friends are stupid, I don't keep stupid friends who won't be truthful with me.

Anyway, this is a dead horse now either way and if I come back here later and say that I'm going out with him again, I don't want the judgment or criticism that I'm being desperate. Can't take it so seriously!

 

Not surprised at all that him having "a friend in town" was just a simple thing as him dating other women. I called it. There's nothing unique about this guy and what he does that needs analyzing.

 

Your friends are naive and possibly just being sympathetic and trying to tell you want you want to hear since they know you're into him.

 

The thing is you are taking it seriously. 12 pages about this guy. No one is going to judge you for being desperate. If you want to see him again, then see him because you believe you can with a level of indifference. But the fact that you are emotionally affected by him and no matter how much you say you will/can/should/must/believe you can possibly be "cool" about it, the truth is, you can't.

 

Like you said in one of your posts, you put up this exterior but inside it eats you up. And when you say you struggle with self-esteem and insecurities, engaging with men like him is the last thing you should be doing.

 

You're free to do whatever it is you want. I think that some just have to learn by their own hand, most times the hard way.

[StanMusial]

I trust my own intuition

 

I don't believe you.

[WonderKid]

The post is bumped back up. And I wasn't commenting because I just left it at that. But when you saw him with the other chick: A) you can get over it and KNOW where you stand (or even if you have a place) within his priorities, B) you can drop this guy like a bad habit. You continue to justify and make excuses for what he does and doesn't do. It's almost asinine. I'm not bashing you or making fun, but are you serious? You cannot be serious can't you? You saw him with another chick. Eighty-five percent of the time he is probably BANGING her! And I don't have to be the first to tell you that he is not thinking a shred of thought about you. When he was with that girl, he wasn't thinking nothing of you.

It's okay that you like the guy. It's no crime in that.

Look at all the pages in this thread. And what does it come to? Him being with another chick. And wanna know the suspenseful, creepy part?

 

How do you even KNOW if that's the ONLY girl he's got? You could be one of many; five, ten. This guy is a free agent. He's nothing thinking of commitment. I can tell you now, text him or even call him and tell him you want him to come over and stay a night or watch movies. See how responsive he is. That let's you know right there, where you stand, what you are for. You have loads of people on LS (some that's been here for years) telling you the signs but you just aren't listening. You're doing what you want--which you have the right to. But what puzzles me are these justifications you are throwing out consistently to stay on this guy. What will you do next? For Heavens sake I hope it's the right thing. For your mental being.