Finally ready...

[cif]

I question the authenticity of this thread. No 30-something is this gullible.

[venusishername]

Ok, thank you Zahara. I agree with most all of what you said.

Before I take off to enjoy my weekend and vacation ahead...the only real hard truth of the matter is only this: I AM into him and have been emotionally affected by it and yes, this thread is more about me than him and analyzing his words and actions, because what he's saying and doing is simple and without hidden agenda. It's me that is making it so much more than what it is. I need to really get a handle here but today is a much better perspective than it has been these past several weeks!

 

You're right, I wouldn't want to continue see someone that I'm into, and not be completely confident that the feeling is mutual! I could play it cool if the opportunity arises again, I will certainly have a better idea on my end then where it stands and if I can in fact just let it go and stop being so serious about it. If I know he's not remotely in the same space as I am, I should disengage. Which is where it stands. I'm not being gullible or making excuses, I'm just feeling it out and I don't have all the answers and am not jumping to conclusions or finalities. I'm just letting it go.

 

I'm not surprised that he's dating other women, of course. We just met! We were just getting to know. The physical stuff accelerated probably too quickly, but it was really exciting and great, I will say that. I don't regret it and I was interested in more of that possibility.

If I do listen to my intuition, the answer is simply this: he's just not in the same space as I am with this. Pure and simple. What I do know at this moment is that he likes me and is interested in seeing me, whether or not I'm one of many. He's dating other women (as I should be dating other men, if it comes up). I'm certainly not ready for a healthy relationship if I'm getting in a tailspin of insecurities and obsessing and having high expectations so early on. I'm also not interested in casually dating someone I really like. Maybe that's the lesson I need to take from these past 12 pages.

Edited September 13, 2014 by venusishername

[HappyLove]

The lesson you should take from this is setting standards.

 

Ok, let's scratch that he's dating others and you saw him with another chick, that he called you to hook up last minute, that he declined 5 minutes out of an entire weekend to catch up with you....

 

What bothers me (yes, I'm that invested) is that you're ok with a man who can't even bother to send you one 2 second text a day. Your into a man who hasn't called to see how your doing after sleeping together. I mean these are basic basic things that even the biggest jerks follow through on. You should set the standard that a man who can't do the basic of courteous things when in a relationship just isn't worth your time! It's not about being clingy or needy it's about setting a certain bar, and this bar is low honey. This is usually one of the best times in a relationship when it's brand new and exciting. This guy has given you nothing worth building anything with!

[venusishername]

The lesson you should take from this is setting standards.

 

Ok, let's scratch that he's dating others and you saw him with another chick, that he called you to hook up last minute, that he declined 5 minutes out of an entire weekend to catch up with you....

 

What bothers me (yes, I'm that invested) is that you're ok with a man who can't even bother to send you one 2 second text a day. Your into a man who hasn't called to see how your doing after sleeping together. I mean these are basic basic things that even the biggest jerks follow through on. You should set the standard that a man who can't do the basic of courteous things when in a relationship just isn't worth your time! It's not about being clingy or needy it's about setting a certain bar, and this bar is low honey. This is usually one of the best times in a relationship when it's brand new and exciting. This guy has given you nothing worth building anything with!

 

Absolutely agree. If I was ok with casual sex and dating then that would be the standard. I want much more than that and I'm not willing to settle for less.

[sid3]

Reading the OP's post is like watching a hamster run on a wheel, and every time I look it's running in a different direction. I have to agree with the last post I read, setting the bar of expectations in dating is what it comes down.

[KatZee]

As I said.

 

Make an appointment with the gyno and get tested for all STDs.

 

I saw through this guy by virtually page 5 of this thread. As did many of us.

 

You're making him out to be this holy saint of a person who has such great morals and who has been so great.

 

Meanwhile, we see him for what he is. Too smooth. He knew he wanted to get a piece the night he met you, he sniffed you out, he got you, he got you into bed very soon. The FIRST night he slept with you he said goodbye and you didn't hear from him for FIVE DAYS.

 

This is not a gentleman. This is not a guy trying to be with you. This is not a guy prioritizing you, respecting you, or being any of the things you need. I think you hear this, and you are agreeing, but you're not quite GRASPING what we're saying here.

 

You STILL are thinking of communicating with him via text, you are STILL assuming you're going to see him out and have interaction. NO. Forget it! Delete the number, block it if you have to. If you see him out? He's invisible. You don't way hi, you don't act cordial, you don't treat him like he's some king. He played you. Plain and simple. He should be nothing to you.

[venusishername]

I didn't have unprotected sex first of all.

I hear you all, I do. In my view, from the start it was transparent. He told me what he was looking for. He told me he liked me and was interested. He didn't lie or play games. I didn't get played. Yes it was disappointing that he hasn't come through in the ways I would've liked. I'll be honest, in the past when I was satisfied with a casual easy situation, these things wouldn't really have bothered me so much. That's the thing that's changed for me. Clearly that's not where he's at. I don't believe he's being cruel or inconsiderate or trying I deceive me so there's no reason to snub the guy if I happen to see him out again.

Right now he's offering something casual. That's on the table. The point is yes, standards. I know that's not what I'm after in the long run and I want more than what he's putting on the table.

For that reason, now that I know that for certain, I'm holding all the cards here. I haven't decided whether I'll text or agree to see him when I get back. I do know there's no reason to be angry or feel like I got 'played'. There were no games played here.

[mightycpa]

She's got it! Oh baby, she's got it!

[venusishername]

Writing helps me process this, I'm trying to get out of the 'hamster in a cage' mindset. After today, and the events of this past week, I'm getting off the wheel.

All this has reminded me of my last boyfriend, when we first met and started dating. He approached me while on the prowl like this guy did, was very aggressive and pursued me and we also became physical quickly. It was casual for some time, but the difference is that he made a concerted effort to get to know me and let me know how he felt about me. He backed off a few weeks in just like this and I was hurt and confused. He let me know that he was also seeing someone else, but wanted to get to know me more, let's meet for coffee, he'd call me, he'd plan ahead for dates, he'd say things like let's keep in touch, and he wouldn't leave it up to me to maintain the connection.. he kept it himself. He would take me on really nice romantic dates one on one where we'd talk and have dinner and then go get ice cream, or have wine on my patio. He consistently would reach out to me and let me know he was interested. We dated for a month or so, then we did not date and were just friendly for another 2 months, during which time I met someone else that didn't last, then we revisited it later and from there we became a couple... months after we met. While every situation is different and moves at a different pace, it just reminds me of how it's supposed to look, or is closer to how it's supposed to look.

 

This guy, even though barely know each other at all, has not yet stepped up to that plate. I don't believe he's a bad guy or some sex-hound jerk. Like I said, the fact that I didn't hear a word for five days after we first slept together would've been forgivable or acceptable to me a year ago when I was there myself and only interested in dating casually. A year ago if someone texted me last minute and asked to see me at 9 p.m., I wouldn't have taken offense. He likely doesn't see anything wrong with it, I didn't used to either.

The fact that he's dating other women is not reason for me to never speak to him again. It just makes me see that what he's been offering just ain't good enough for me. It's nobody's fault. He's not trying to pull one over on me or play me. If he'd step it up, great... maybe then I could give it a fair chance before coming to any final conclusions. But so far, he hasn't! That alone has made my interest level drop WAY down just in this past week as things become clearer. I know that I'm not a priority, I'm just on his radar. WonderKid has a great point: if I'd ask him to come over, etc. watch how quickly he'd become available. Maybe so, maybe not. If that's what I was ok with, then he'd be my go to guy! But I want more now. I want someone to make the effort to get to know me, to reach out to me consistently and regularly, and to even just grab coffee and talk for an hour if the weekend is tied up. I believe he's interested, but hasn't put forth that effort. Obviously we would need to spend more time together first for that to happen, but so far for whatever reasons on either end, that's not happening!!

I was willing to give this the benefit of the doubt, slow down, reel in expectations, be patient and let it develop and stop taking it so seriously before completely throwing in the towel and walking away. I do know that if a man is interested in you, he's not going to leave it up to you to maintain the connection. He'll make sure he keeps it himself. So, as the coming week unfolds, I don't know... I'll see how I feel, sometimes you've got to see it all the way through to be sure. I don't foresee never speaking to each other again. As it stands now, we like each other and naturally want to see each other, but my interest level is waning because he's hasn't been doing much at all to keep me interested. Like I said, I'll see how the week unfolds and whether or not I want to reconnect again.

Edited September 14, 2014 by venusishername

[KatZee]

You really should not be dating period if you categorize this guy as "transparent."

 

I didn't have unprotected sex first of all.

 

Oral sex spreads STDs. Condoms do not protect against STDs 100% because some STDs are from skin to skin contact. The only part of the penis covered is the shaft.

 

In my view, from the start it was transparent. He told me what he was looking for. He told me he liked me and was interested. He didn't lie or play games.

 

But he DID LIE and play games! He wasn't transparent at all. He told you what YOU as a woman would want to hear. Do you think if he walked up to you and said, "Hey baby. I'm looking for a one night stand and I think YOU'RE the perfect girl for that. What do you say?" Do you think you would have fallen all over yourself the way you did with him?

 

No. Of course not. Instead, he played you like a fiddle. (he definitely did.) He just played the game very, very, VERY well. He knew what he wanted, he set out to get it. He's had a lot of practice and that's why it looks like "honesty" or "non-game playing" to you. To us experienced bulls.hit sniffers, we saw through it.

 

You wanted to get together, he said no, and whoops, you see him out with another woman.

 

I know you want to think this is how romance works, racing out of the gate, spending hours and hours and hours together within the first 50 seconds of meeting, having this "superior" above all else connection, but that's just not reality. He created those things for you to set up the game. This is what experienced players will do.

 

I personally think, and I know many others here think, that his excuses to avoid getting together are BS. How are you not angry that he used you for sex and then didn't bother talking to you for a week??? You're not angry? How is this possible?

 

Regardless if a guy is playing you or not, the second he gets what he wants and then falls off the earth is the second he's done in my eyes. A stand-up guy is NEVER going to do this to you and basically act like nothing happened.

 

If you want to keep sticking your hand on the hot stove, by all means, carry on. But I'm just confused as to why you want to inflict pain on yourself.

 

- You KNOW he's not giving you what you want.

- You KNOW he's not offering anything beyond casual.

- You KNOW he's not emotionally available.

 

You know these things, but still are on the fence with whether you should go out with him again? Why?

 

 

[StanMusial]

Maybe he IS giving her what she wants. That rush of excitement and whirlwind romance. To hell with anything deeper than that.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Why are you trying to justify this dip's behavior? Why are you open to any further contact with a dude who is very clearly not going to give you anything you want? It's true, he was honest when he said he didn't want anything serious. But he certainly wasn't honest about "entertaining a friend in town". Do you think he told the other women on his list that he was just "spending time with a friend" while he was with you?

[BlueIris]

You know he isn't what you want, so why leave open the possibility? He’s not going to change personality or have an epiphany that he wants something else. Be done with this guy and find the right guy, the real thing.

[Diezel]

Writing helps me process this, I'm trying to get out of the 'hamster in a cage' mindset. After today, and the events of this past week, I'm getting off the wheel.

 

 

 

So, as the coming week unfolds, I don't know... I'll see how I feel, sometimes you've got to see it all the way through to be sure. I don't foresee never speaking to each other again. Like I said, I'll see how the week unfolds and whether or not I want to reconnect again.

 

So what you are trying to say is that the hamster is staying ON the wheel for another week.

[venusishername]

I have to think about what StanMusial said.. that rush of excitement IS what I have wanted. I happen to not be dating anyone else, no other opportunity at the moment for that. He offered that and it hooked me, yes. I suppose that's why I would consider seeing him again. Also because I TRULY DON'T KNOW anything other than what I know for sure about what is happening.

Look, not making excuses, but for all I know he truly did have company in town this weekend. He has kids, they will come to visit him too. He's in a very high responsibility position in the military with a lot going on and career is #1 and he tells me he's flying every day during the week now. He is dating other women. Totally possible that is an excuse for a 'friend in town'. I get it. However, why think the worst, you know? I just DON'T KNOW. The girl I saw with him could've very well been a friend or his sister who he spends time with often. I go out with male friends all the time. He could be lying, sure. I just don't know that. Why bother even making an excuse, you know? Hell, all he had to say was 'This weekend is busy for me, I have other plans. But let me know when you get back and let's get together.' No reason to make an excuse or play games.

 

KatZee, I hear you: the night he met me I caught his eye and whether or not he was on the prowl for a lay is irrelevant because he didn't get it. In fact the first night I slept on his couch. It didn't end in sex, not even close. And yes, I was hurt that he didn't contact me for five days after we did sleep together. That's when I started to question things, which brought me here.

I suppose I'm entertaining the idea of seeing him again because he IS offering SOME of what I want. I like him, I wanted to get to know him, go on another date,spend time, etc. I'm not 100% sure yet, so I was hoping to get to know more before I make any final conclusions. He said he's not looking to jump in to anything serious anytime soon. But he likes me and wants to spend time. That's all I've got. How much more could it be after such a short time anyway?!

Listen,as the week goes on, next weekend comes and no contact...I don't know if HE would be still interested in me either! So we may not get together again after all and no harm, no foul. If I hear nothing all week, I'm not sure I would want to go ahead and reach out when I get back anyway.

Edited September 14, 2014 by venusishername

[WonderKid]

Don't believe that. That other woman you saw with him, is a define indication of his goals regarding women. He is probably having sex with her, and many other women. I used to be a "player" if you want to call it, myself. If I had two or three girls on the side, I would not be focused on the fourth one. It's whoever is willing to give it up first, the one I don't need to invest most time in, that's who I am wooing for. So basically what I am seeing is that he gave you that "rush". He gave you that first high. But too much of anything is not always a good thing. And those military guys are tricky man. I'll be honest. Applaud them for their services, but those can be some of the most womanizing bastards you can encounter. I think KatZee is really speaking the truth there.

[HappyLove]

"The girl I saw with him could've very well been a friend or his sister who he spends time with often."

 

 

If you believe that why didn't you go say hi?

[WonderKid]

I actually have a feeling similar to what you had. One time, I have never had a massage before. Not a good body massage. So I looked online for spas to go for. I was on Craigslist trying to sell some things and I came across this lady's ad, "Sensual Massage" and the location was downtown--right where I stay. So I said, why not? I contacted her and she told me the rates and it was cool. I saw her picture; biracial, curvy, and knockout sexy. So I meet her and she gives me the best rubdown ever--plus a happy ending. She was nervous. I wasn't. She got me some water, and we sat and talked for a few hours. Could not believe how much we had in common and how we connected. When I was leaving her place, she texted me saying that she was very happy I was her first massage.

 

The next day she was open for me to come again and I did. This time she added a BJ in it. And we talked and I gave her a foot massage because she loved those. I left. And when I was walking home I thought, I don't think I should continue this. Even though I was mad infatuated with her. Nothing like I ever met.

I told her that I don't think I can become her regular: I didn't have money to burn like that, and I eventually would end up being more attracted to her on a personal level. She had other clients too.

But one day she caught me off guard. Out of nowhere near midnight she texts me to just come over. I did. We ended up having sex. And damn was it something.

I was treating her like I was dating her; good morning and night texts, asking of her day.

The 2nd time we had sex, I brought her good food from my moms place. After that, she kept asking me if I wanted a massage and kept adamantly exaplining perils she had regarding her rent and living situation (she was roommating). Long story short, I was helping this girl out. But then I started feeling like I was entitled to her, but in reality she didn't owe me a damn thing--except what she presented. When she looked at me she saw a dollar sign. I'm pretty sure she saw me for the real cool guy I am, but she used that to her benefits.

 

I REALLY had to stop and think. I deleted her number. Stopped texting her. And stopped persuing such a toxic ordeal. And believe me, now that I think of it, I was extremely stupid in those actions. I was completely out of character. I put her quite high on my list. And how she just willingly slept with me to keep me by, I deserved what I had coming to me. The tipping point was when I was walking with another girl by my side and we walked passed each other. I never heard from her again after that. I wish her the best. But BOY that could have ended so badly. All because of a rush of infatuation. All out of a massage. *facepalm*

[venusishername]

"The girl I saw with him could've very well been a friend or his sister who he spends time with often."

 

 

If you believe that why didn't you go say hi?

 

Because I didn't know. I don't think he saw me, if we had made eye contact I would've waved or said hello though.

[venusishername]

I'll be completely honest. I've been so lonely for so long it friggin hurts. I haven't met a guy I'm really into for a VERY long time. My casual relationships of the past few years have been completely empty and unfulfilling. I'm the only single woman left of all my friends and they're having babies and things have changed.

The prospect of a man that I like and who's interested in me, who's offering sex, affection, attention, dates, romantic days and nights on the beach and kisses and making me feel sexy and desirable is EXTREMELY appealing. Doesn't make me desperate, I'm just human. I don't take every opportunity that comes my way, I've been selective.

So that's why I would still l consider seeing this person. Because he offers the basis of what I want in this very moment. A long term and serious relationship is what I want in the long run, but maybe not anytime soon. For the time being what he's offering is as good as an offer that I have going on, so it's appealing and tempting to explore. Of COURSE I want more. But this is as good as it gets until something else comes better.

WonderKid, you say if you had a couple women on the radar, do you mean none would be the priority? I'm trying to understand... Are you saying that whoever was the easiest and the least amount of effort would be the one you'd put at the top of the list?

I know I probably sound pathetic but I'm just lonely and hurting. A little bit has got to be better than nothing at all. I have dignity and I do have standards. I'm not excusing the fact that he pulled a jerky move on me after not contacting me for five days after sex. But hey, he's given me the offer for more. Also offering the probability of more disappointment too.

Edited September 15, 2014 by venusishername

[HappyLove]

"I know I probably sound pathetic but I'm just lonely and hurting."

 

Join the club many of us feel the same! So many of us would do ANYTHING to just meet the right person and get out of this dating rat race and times of extreme loneliness.

 

I've met some jerk guys over the years. When I met them some weren't even my type I was just desperate to find SOMEONE. But you know what, as soon as they started treating me less than or as their second choice I moved on because I deserve better. I owe it to myself to find a man who treats me with respect and who will TRULY love me.

 

When you waste time with men who are no good for you, you just may miss the blessing of the man who is meant for you.

 

 

" A little bit has got to be better than nothing at all."

 

A lot of times a little bit is way worse than nothing!

Edited September 15, 2014 by HappyLove

[WonderKid]

I was lonely and haven't been touched by a woman in months which is why I went for the massage. But it wasn't healthy to my well being.

 

Yes that's what I exactly meant. If I was texting Woman A, and she kept talking and going on about nothing, asking to go to the mall or something. But Woman B is by herself and wants to hangout and watch movies or something (which eventually involves getting laid) I'm going to Woman B. I'll have to catch Women A, C, and D some other time. Woman B is the closest path to me having more fun, so why not? That's what I was saying.

[heartshaped]

I'm taking off the gloves now.

 

Listen, woman to woman, here's a bit of advice, when guys come on this strong this fast they usually burn out just as quickly. Your ex, he was the exception to the rule. Not the rule. Not by far.

 

This guy may not be a jerk or a player, but while you are obsessing over him for 14 pages on LS, he's out dating other women.

 

Go on dates. For the love of everything, please, I'm begging you, see someone else. Anyone else. That will put all of this in prospective.

[venusishername]

But he certainly wasn't honest about "entertaining a friend in town". Do you think he told the other women on his list that he was just "spending time with a friend" while he was with you?

 

This is still REALLY bothering me. WHY, WHY, WHY would anyone even make the effort to make something like that up?!! Just say you're ****ing busy!! Why would any adult feel the need to lie about that?! If you're not available, why would you create some fake situation as an excuse?! I just don't get it.

For example, when he asked if I was free to meet last Saturday night, I said simply, 'No, I'm not.' (because I was home sick, which I didn't even offer). I didn't create some BS excuse like I had a friend in town or even volunteer any additional information. ?! Somebody please help me with this.

 

Also, as some of you are stating, I just can't believe he's some sex-hound womanizer with a slew of women. I just can't. Sure, he's going on dates, but I don't believe he's 'dirty' or out on the prowl every free moment to try and get laid. That's pretty extreme, and I really don't think he has all that free time anyway.

 

Either way, the prospect of escaping this horrible loneliness became my number one thought over the past month. The night he walked up to me I had truly stopped trying and wasn't even interested putting forth the effort of meeting someone. When he talked to me and kissed me he gave me a rush, the physical chemistry was intense and what I've been DYING to have for so long, soon after the excitement of seeing him and hearing from him, he has XYZ going for him, totally different from any man I've met before, not the losers I've always dated in the past, etc. He does have a hell of a lot to offer, it's not he's some everyday insurance salesman or construction worker, he's a military pilot in a commanding rank...those guys are truly the best and the brightest. All the alpha male qualities I've always been attracted to: brave, dedicated, strong, intelligent, educated, a leader, financially stable, vibrant. So duh, when he was coming on strong and I felt things that had been dormant in me for a long time, my feet left the ground.

As you all know I've been hurt and confused as to why he would pull back and slow down the pursuit, and then to see him out with a woman, that he declined my last invitation, couldn't carve out a few moments to see me before I go, and the other disappointments I've mentioned here. The physical part of it was pretty spectacular and I know he enjoyed himself, and I know I have it all going on so I thought it followed naturally that a man would want more of that, or at least make an attempt to secure the possibility of more of that. If he was playing me, he'd milk me for more sex.

I know that it's too early on to be invested or expect too much and take it so seriously and obsess. I think leaving town tomorrow will be just what I need mentally and emotionally. When I return I will be recharged and have a clearer head.

[venusishername]

Go on dates. For the love of everything, please, I'm begging you, see someone else. Anyone else. That will put all of this in prospective.

 

 

Well gee, if it were that easy I wouldn't be here. Have to throw in a 'hell's bells!'

I very rarely date, if that's not glaringly obvious! But absolutely, heartshaped... that would be just the cure.

 

 

Take care for now, LS. I'm blowing this joint and heading for Florida.

Edited September 15, 2014 by venusishername