Can't get over her any ideas (Updated)

[Justaguy30]

We broke up 7 ish months ago and I just feel totally lost without her as I loved her more than anything in the entire world and thought about her everyday while we were together. I always put her and her kids first and she cheated constantly and lied to me including hitting and verbal abuse in which she belittled me a lot. Everyday I tried to do something nice for her like starting her car when it was cold outside or little gifts just trying to get her to respond to me as she said it was something I was doing and I tried everything. I feel like I am still in that mode emotionally. She would deny me any love for long periods of time and it was just pathetic on my part but I was hopelessly in love with her. How do I get over this and move past the pain and thinking about her. I think about the situation every single day sometimes for the whole day. Tips tricks or any advice would be awesome. I am not even really interested in anyone else. Thanks

[zhaulk]

Your best bet is to stop talking to her. Give it some time, it really depends on how much you care about her (seems like a lot). Try and keep yourself busy, focus on the negatives for a little while. Do not under any circumstances contact her. If she contacts you, don't respond. Give it some time, and you'll be over her. I'm still trying to get over my fiance, but I know I will one day.

[Lostdreams]

Reading what you said - you were putting in all the work and even though she cheated and deprived you of love .... you still love her. I think you need to start caring more for yourself and building up your own self worth. A happy relationship is give and take and she was just a taker, it's seems you gave endlessly and worse you even suffered physical and verbal abuse at her hands.

 

Now after 7 months - and in spite of had badly she treated you - you still feel the same.

 

You need to start putting yourself first. I experienced a similar relationship - giving to a taker (but without any physical abuse). I only started the real road to recovery via therapy to understand why I was such a doormat for him, how to make space for myself in my life and how to start acknowledging my own needs.

 

It may be a step you should make on the way to finding yourself and making progress towards a better relationship with somebody who deserves you. The usual stuff also applies, NC of course - get out, go down the gym etc. but I feel you really need to address your own behavior in that relationship, not only move forward but also to ensure that you never reproduce it again

Good luck and chin up

[Justaguy30]

I have made the mistake of not only contacting but allowing her to contact me. She came to me after 2 months of NC crying saying she missed me and I was not very nice which I regret but I was still very hurt and angry about her behaviors which were disgusting and very hurtful. I feel as though if I had been nice that night we would have probably worked it out but she refused to just tell me the truth and without truth there could never be trust again. I just can't figure out how to tell myself its going to be okay and how to stop missing her. Sometimes I miss her so much it makes sick. I just feel weak and pathetic for still being so upset about this 7 months out of it. I promised myself I will never contact her again and have blocked her from everything. I also know there are way better women out there but its just so hard because I love her kids so much. They are the most amazing children I have ever met and that is hard. I had been going to therapy but have been slacking. I feel that I need to figure out why I was okay with being treated that way. She is one of two people I have truly loved in my life and the other woman who I dated for 4 years did a lot of the same stuff. I think I may have been attracted to this woman because she was a lot like my ex of 4 years. I just didn't realize that I am attracted to sick mentally ill women. Now I know and since we have broken up I have found myself attracted to a few women whom after talking to found out they are BPD and or cutters too. I find it so strange that I am instantly attracted to women like that and need to figure out why that is. I have actually re connected with my ex of 4 years who I dated 10 years ago and that has been interesting. I think that a lot of the issues I have stem from her which might sound strange. I should have gone to therapy after that relationship! I have also learned a lot about myself and how I drive people away sometimes by being mean when I am feeling hurt. Why does emotionally hurt come out as anger for me? Ill need to figure that one out. I am however not physically violent.

[Justaguy30]

I think the worst part of it was the anxiety that I was experiencing about her cheating. She would often show up an hour late and not answer her phone and claim she had to work late which was true sometimes and not others. All the same feeling like that for so long really broke me down mentally and I need to figure out how to restore focus in my mind. I can barely focus on anything. I still get anxious and its kind of hard to deal with.

[Lani]

It sounds like you need to do a bit of soul searching and find out who you are again.

 

We can lose ourselves in relationships and that takes time to come back from.

Stop contacting this woman, and start doing things you like again. Get your life back and before you know it you'll be too focussed on making yourself happy that you'll realise how little that has to do with her.

 

Hang in there.

It gets easier, I promise

[54JA]

I am so sorry that you are hurting and experiencing anxiety. I know it's difficult. It sounds like you've been through a lot. I understand that, even though getting over a "good" loving relationship is difficult, letting go of a "difficult," painful relationship can equally be hard too. Hang in there. Great job with NC, by the way.

[Justaguy30]

I had been breaking no contact but I recently realized that its pointless as even if she did want me back and she did, the situation was so messed up there was no way for us to get back together. I said a lot of things about her to her family members and friends and she bad mouthed me to a lot of people plus some other stuff that happened. I am sure that she at times does miss me but there is no way in her mind to repair what has happened. What she did was awful and I was a total jerk to her because of it. A part of me wants her back so bad but I also realize that even if the hearts were there it would not be possible after everything that has happened which is really hard. What I need to be focused on is getting my life back together. I basically lost everything I had including the engine in my car dying and I got a DUI. I think I really liked the way she loved me and how amazing it was and just fought so hard to get that back. What I didn't realize is that by fighting for it it was pushing her away. I just need to tell myself its over every time I start thinking about it because nothing is going to bring it back.

[54JA]

It sounds like you are making good progress. The fact that you acknowledge in your head that it's over, and that you need to focus on yourself in itself is a huge progress. The fact that you are starting to listen to your logical side is a great start, IMO. In the beginning, we are just simply overwhelmed by the pain, only listening to what our hearts say, but as the time go by we start to put things into perspective. It doesn't mean that our hearts have healed, but it DOES mean that we are moving closer towards healing. Great job!!

[Justaguy30]

Thank you 54JA, I still have a long way to go. I truly wish I had not been so hurt by all of this. It has wasted almost a year of my life so far and I feel it will continue to hurt for a long time. The last time I went through something like this it took me a few years to get over. Although I don't remember being in so much pain over it. I just want it to go away so I can move on with my life. I feel as though finding someone else that would love me would help a lot but how could I possibly be in a relationship right now. I don't even feel like a person. Thinking about all of this and the pain has consumed so much of my mind I don't even feel that I am an interesting person anymore. I need to continue to take steps to healing my mental health. Its amazing what someone else's actions can do to you emotionally and mentally. Thank you all for the support. Also the few times we have talked she always tells me that I don't listen to her which is true but its hard to listen to someone who you know is lying to you about a bunch of stuff. At one point I wished I had just believed her bull **** so that we could have been together in hopes that things would get better but that is pathetic and I am glad I am past that.

[Justaguy30]

Also every time we have spoken she tells me that I am crazy and that is why we can't be together which I find really hard to believe. I was very upset and I think anyone being cheating on and lied to like that will get a little crazy about the situation. But at the same time I feel pretty crazy constantly thinking about all of this. Idk, it was all very hurtful

[54JA]

It's very normal and very human to feel the way you do. You mentioned that finding someone to love you would help a lot, but you are not in a condition to be in a relationship. This suggests not only that you have a good insight into your own state of mind, but also your strength. You are accepting the challenge of surviving the post-break up on your own, without masking the pain by jumping into a new relationship. IMO, this is a healthy way of dealing with your break up. You are being courageous.

 

I understand that you feel like you are being an "uninteresting" person right now. (I am assuming this is because you feel like your mind is somewhat consumed by your thoughts for your ex?) But I think that, when people experience pain and overcome it in a healthy way (like you are doing right now), it makes them very interesting. You can empathize with people because you understand what others are going through.

 

I'm so sorry that your ex was harsh with you. I can't imagine what that's like. My ex was not so overtly harsh (somewhat passive aggressive), so it's hard for me to imagine the feelings. I do remember, however, that his little passive aggressive comments and threats of break up hurt my feelings a lot. So I am imaging it's 10 times worse because words sort of stay with you.

 

Hang in there!!!

[Justaguy30]

I just read through some of my previous posts on here and from what I was saying then to what I am saying now I am doing much much better. I think I am just lonely and really miss having a connection with someone else and love. I really like being loved. I suppose I really need to focus on myself and health and work and money so that I can get out of this situation. If I want another relationship ill have to be a better stronger version of myself. Today is the day I start forming a new me and try to focus on who I am and how I will make a new life.

[Lani]

I just read through some of my previous posts on here and from what I was saying then to what I am saying now I am doing much much better. I think I am just lonely and really miss having a connection with someone else and love. I really like being loved. I suppose I really need to focus on myself and health and work and money so that I can get out of this situation. If I want another relationship ill have to be a better stronger version of myself. Today is the day I start forming a new me and try to focus on who I am and how I will make a new life.

 

I like this post a lot.

 

It's easy to get caught up in how you feel today,but realising how far you've come is a big step.

You miss the connection and companionship, not her specifically,

You'll find it again, just be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

[Justaguy30]

I miss her kids specifically not especially her. Oh man they were awesome!!!

[d0nnivain]

Make a list of all the reasons you are better off with her out of your life. Read it over daily.

 

Re-arrange your environment so things don't remind you of her.

 

Get active. Do things you enjoy.

[Justaguy30]

I am begging to think I just miss having a really beautiful woman in my life that cares about me. It wasn't exactly her, I was in love with a version of herself that she created for me not who she actually is. The person I loved was caring and hard working and a great mother. She was actually very cold and a pathological liar and a very selfish not caring mother. She loves her kids but she refuses to do things for people. Simple things like getting someone a glass of milk or making a snack. Its because she is basically a big child herself. Emotionally maybe 8 years old or something like that. You can't reason with an 8 year old haha

[d0nnivain]

Justaguy30

 

Your insights tell me you are healing. I hope you feel the same way & that you find the woman you are destined for.

[Justaguy30]

I am healing for sure and I have made leaps and bounds in the last few months. I haven't really been posting on here as much. The whole thinking about the same stuff all the time thing is still going on and on but I haven't really created anything new to take place of those things. I am going to get a couple new books to read. I have found that reading is the best distraction from thinking about things because your mind doesn't really wonder. Its funny the things that hurt me and make me think of her and happy times we had. Like a Chinese place we used to eat at together, I can't go there haha I mean I could because the food is awesome but I avoid stuff like that. TV shows we watched together are kind of off limits and so on. Maybe that is normal and I am sure in time that sort of stuff wont bother me anymore. She told me she loves watching shows that I introduced her to which I find weird... I totally avoid anything that makes me think about her. Its weird because she acts like she didn't get closure and as if she didn't want to break up with me. She said she wished we had just taken a break for a few months but a bunch of messed up stuff happened. I just don't get her at all when it comes to stuff like that. She made all of those choices not me.

[Justaguy30]

I still find myself wanting to talk to her about things as if that would change any of this. I have come to terms with the fact that its over and will never be again but that really sucks because I wanted it so freaking bad. I realize that I should have been nicer to her. I am to the point where my brain is saying just forget about it but my heart still kind of wants it which I am sure would seem crazy to her. Its been 7 months and who knows how many people she has dated or screwed. Her best friend told me she had been sleeping with about anyone that wanted it which really just makes me feel physically sick for some reason. I feel like I have been to this point a few times in the healing process and just keep going back to missing her. Perhaps ill work it out emotionally this time, it would be really stupid not to but damn it I just want her back even though it would never happen or work. The internal struggle is real people lol

[spiderowl]

It must be hard to come to terms with knowing that you have been kind and loving to someone and they have not reciprocated. It's as if there was an offering made and she refused it. What do you do with that offering? It matters to you that you give. Somehow you need to understand that it doesn't have to be her that you give to. Someone else will come along who will happily accept what you have to offer.

 

You don't seem to see her as a kind and loving person at all, in your description of her, so why do you love her? Why love a woman who is not a nice person? She can clearly fend for herself so it's not as though she is vulnerable. I can't see why you still feel drawn towards someone who treats you badly, unless you have a strong need to give which you feel will not be satisfied elsewhere. Try to separate the need to be a giver from her.

 

The people who seem to whip up the most disturbing and dramatic feelings often have a pattern off push/pull in relationships - nice and welcoming one minute, then push away as if you are not needed the second. This seems to stir up fascination and obsession in people. Was it that kind of relationship? If so, can you see how that dynamic can be drawing you in at the same time as it is pushing you out? Keep away from her, go No Contact, so you can't be played like this.

 

Good luck. I'm sure there is a lovely woman out there who can't wait to meet a gentleman like you. You just need to get this other woman out of your head first in order to clear the way for someone better.

[54JA]

I'm glad you are into reading now:) Good for you!! It's totally understandable for you to keep having the same thought over and over. I did too. I started to feel self-conscious whenever I was talking to the people around me because I was afraid that I was just gonna repeat the same thing over and over. I'm not sure if it's the same for guys...

 

I think it's important to keep this up and get better by the time the holiday season comes around. Ugh, the holiday season is the worst time to be suffering from a break up pain. If you maintain this, I think you will be OK, though Hang in there! One day at a time!

[Justaguy30]

Spider, it was very push pull. She is a very interesting person and if not challenged about her secret behaviors she is a super freaking cool chick and can be very loving. I have a habit of only seeing the good in people. As for the holiday's I doubt that will really effect me all that much. This last years holidays with her were a nightmare!!!!

[Justaguy30]

Perhaps the biggest thing is that she was my idea of physical perfection. My absolute type per say. She is drop dead gorgeous and a freak haha. I think more than anything I miss sex. Perhaps its time I find a new mate lol I doubt ill find anyone that I think is that freaking sexy though!

[Justaguy30]

I do feel bad that every time we have spoken even in the last few months of our relationship I didn't take anything she said seriously. I am sure that feels like crap but when you are lying how am I suppose to listen to you. Also who knows whats true and whats not. I miss the woman I fell in love with, she was honest and had good values. She was kind and giving and very loving. She had goals in life and wanted to include me in those things. Sadly even though she wanted to be that person it was not possible which I think was really painful for her. I gave her a chance to be the person she always wanted to be with a great loving guy who was a good father figure and she just couldn't maintain that. If she wasn't broken before I think this past relationship really messed her up and for that I feel bad.