Can't get over her any ideas (Updated)

[Justaguy30]

I am still kinda kicking myself for not being nice to her when she called me crying telling me she missed me 4 months ago. I kind of wish I would have just taken her back. Then again she would have done the same **** most likely. I am missing her today for some reason. Probably because her birthday was yesterday. She is a really nice sweet person she just likes to screw a lot of people which is fine I guess just not for a relationship. I miss her and the kids today.

[Justaguy30]

Why can't I just get over this. I have spent the entire day thinking about how awful she was to me. I mean she lied to me constantly and took me from where my life was pretty freaking awesome to the worst hell I have ever been in. I lost everything in my life due to her lying and manipulative behaviors. She emotionally wrecked me on a daily basis and cheated on me with everyone. I just don't know why I still kind of have feelings for her even though they are very light at this point and why the hell do I still think about this. I mean it was the most traumatizing thing that has ever happened in my life. When you truly love someone and they do what she did its soul wrecking. I had been so depressed I couldn't even watch TV or really do anything. I am to the point now where I have days when I feel kind of just normal and others like today where I feel crazy again. I truly hope that if anyone else is ever in a relationship where you feel like you have to fight for someones affection just leave them before they mentally and emotionally rape you. I could have never imagined her treating me the way she did. The whole thing didn't make any sense at all what so ever. I fear that ill be alone for the rest of my life. After having very obsessive thoughts about everything that happened I find myself being much less interesting and have generally lost interest in things I used to love. I can't remember trivial facts that I used to just be able to spit out. I can barely pay attention to anything sometimes. Its like PTSD and it really messed me up. If anything I hope that some day ill just never think about any of this and will feel normal again. I have been working pretty hard on it but feel that the loneliness really doesn't help at all. I am doing way better but feel that I am at a normal point of coping now and will spend another 8 months getting fully healed. Will I ever be able to love again? Will I ever be able to have and maintain a normal relationship after everything she did to me. Will I always be paranoid my partner is out screwing someone else? I just don't know, I wish none of this had ever happened to me. I didn't deserve it.

[Itspointless]

I find myself being much less interesting and have generally lost interest in things I used to love. I can't remember trivial facts that I used to just be able to spit out. I can barely pay attention to anything sometimes. Its like PTSD and it really messed me up. If anything I hope that some day ill just never think about any of this and will feel normal again. I have been working pretty hard on it but feel that the loneliness really doesn't help at all. I am doing way better but feel that I am at a normal point of coping now and will spend another 8 months getting fully healed. Will I ever be able to love again? Will I ever be able to have and maintain a normal relationship after everything she did to me. Will I always be paranoid my partner is out screwing someone else? I just don't know, I wish none of this had ever happened to me. I didn't deserve it.

My guess to your questions is yes, yes. no, but it will take some time and work. You didn't deserve this, but it happened, that is the sad truth. Perhaps it is of some help that you are not alone in undeserved emotional pain and some of those people are here in this forum to help you.

 

For now it sounds like you are suffering depression. I fell into a deep depression (again) last year and feel much better now. You will too, but it will take time.

[Justaguy30]

Thanks pointless, sometimes I just need to vent so I post exactly what's on my mind on the forum. I was in a very very deep dark depression after all of this and it has gotten so much better but I am still depressed. I need to try some anti's. The whole situation made me feel so insane. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone. I still to this day don't know who she was doing that stuff with. I have a really good idea of a few people but its all just guessing. Its not good for your mind ill tell you that. What I realize now is its not worth any of the pain or trouble. Ill just leave someone next time.

[Downtown]

I have found myself attracted to a few women whom after talking to found out they are BPD and or cutters too. I find it so strange that I am instantly attracted to women like that and need to figure out why that is.

Justaguy, I'm that way too -- an excessive caregiver whose desire to be needed (for what I can do) far exceeds my desire to be loved (for the man I already am). The best explanation I've seen -- of how we got to be that way -- is Shari Schreiber's article at Core Injury. Please be patient if you read it. The last half is better than the first half.

[BC1980]

Thanks pointless, sometimes I just need to vent so I post exactly what's on my mind on the forum. I was in a very very deep dark depression after all of this and it has gotten so much better but I am still depressed. I need to try some anti's. The whole situation made me feel so insane. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone. I still to this day don't know who she was doing that stuff with. I have a really good idea of a few people but its all just guessing. Its not good for your mind ill tell you that. What I realize now is its not worth any of the pain or trouble. Ill just leave someone next time.

 

I understand where you are coming from. My ex did some pretty basic things that were awful. I won't go into specifics here, but most people are shocked when I tell them some of the things he did. Still, I find myself having a soft spot for him. I find myself missing the good times and good parts of him. I think that it's okay to miss the good moments because everyone has good in them somewhere. But don't let the good outweigh the obviously awful and negative. The bad parts that can't be justified.

 

When I find myself getting nostalgic, I remind myself that, yes, my ex and I did have some good times, and it's okay to miss that. However, there was something fundamentally wrong with the way he treated me, and all of the good that we experienced cannot make right what he did to me over the 3 years together. No amount of nice memories we made can undo the betrayal and hurt that he caused. It just isn't possible no matter how much I sometimes wish he could have been better than he was. When you miss your ex, realize that much of what you are missing is what COULD have been or what you thought you had. I think you might find that an awful lot of what you miss may not even be reality based, and it takes some time to weed out the fact from the fantasy and to come to terms with that.

[Justaguy30]

Thank you both for sharing. I am fully aware that the feelings I have for her are feelings that are not justified in reality. Its all something we make up in our heads. You miss the person you loved not the person you were in love with. That whole thing never should have happened. I knew better the entire time and just kept going because I thought I could make it work. I found out that you can't change someone. I think she really wanted it to work as well but it was not possible. Sometimes I just get so upset about the disrespectful things she did to me and if you find my other threads you can figure out just why I am still so hurt. I will do some reading and you are correct, I love caring for people.

Edited September 20, 2014 by Justaguy30

[Justaguy30]

Justaguy, I'm that way too -- an excessive caregiver whose desire to be needed (for what I can do) far exceeds my desire to be loved (for the man I already am). The best explanation I've seen -- of how we got to be that way -- is Shari Schreiber's article at Core Injury. Please be patient if you read it. The last half is better than the first half.

 

This may not quite be me, I have no problem taking. Something along those lines though.

[LuckyLady13]

Wow, you need some dates, dear. Just dating, not trying to hurry up and find the 'perfect' person to be in a relationship with. Dating with the intention of finding someone great to be in a serious relationship with but cautious and taking your time.

 

Let me tell you a story about my life you'll relate to. I'll think it will help you feel a lot better about this scatterbrained, obsessed thought feeling you've got going on.

 

I have an ex. We'll say his name is Joe. The beginning of our relationship he was oh so very nice. Charming, charismatic, sweet, talented and interesting. Wow! Thought I really hit the jackpot! And the sex? A-Mazing! I thought we'd be together forever. Seemed to have this wild, untamable chemistry. The way we looked into each others eyes was nearly magical. He really seemed like the sweetest, most thoughtful person. And we had SO MUCH in common! It was like we were made for each other. It was so great to have someone in my life who understood me when it comes to my major interests. To relate to me on a level I never experienced and he'd get so wide-eyed, enthused and excited about the stuff we both liked that he got me all psyched up about things and we were like two kids in a candy store. It was great!

 

Fast forward a bit. It was a front. Turned out the jerk was a liar! Lied through his teeth so easily it looked like the truth. Then, out of the clear blue sky gets abusive like a switch flipped! Then would cry to me telling me he'd never do it again. Joe...what a @!*^!!!!!!

 

So, I have no choice but to get rid of him. And you won't believe what happened. All those good times we had? I got totally obsessed with them. I knew I couldn't be with him and didn't want him anymore anyway. Couldn't be with him because of the abuse. Didn't want him because of the lies. So...why was I obsessing and obsessing over the good times we had when really it was smoke and mirrors anyway and I knew it?

 

Then, the next part you'll also relate to. I thought I'd never find someone again ever for the rest of my life who I'd feel the way I did about him! And I met men like crazy for months, none of them floated my boat. Not only was no one interesting but I had nothing in common with a single, solitary guy I was meeting. I was depressed, obsessed with a lying abuser and feeling totally doomed for my future! What a horrible time in my life. I could not understand myself for anything and the depression kept haunting me.

 

I'm walking around moping through life, everyone looks gray to me like I was in an old black and white movie, I think I'm an obsessed whacko freak of a person so I'm feeling kind of insane to top it off and then...there he is. Finally someone was in full color. We had stuff in common. He was HOT. I couldn't stop thinking about him for 5 minutes! I thought it was too good to be true. Look how Joe started out, right? But I gave it some time. He was no Joe! He was the real deal. No switch flipped, no lies. And finally I was a sane person again. I started acting totally sane. I was a more normal person at work and having a lot more fun with my coworkers than I'd had in a long time. When I was alone, I was confident and alive and really...it was because I finally found out for sure without a doubt that there really was other guys out there for me that would make me incredibly happy to be with and I was not doomed.

 

This is why I think you should date your butt off. I know technically working on yourself and getting used to being alone and getting to the bottom of why you're obsessing are all the healthy things you should do but um...look at what actually worked for me. I didn't have LS way back then (I don't think it existed yet) but friends and relatives gave me the same advice you'll get here. All the healthy stuff you're supposed to do. None of it worked. I'm not saying the advice is wrong because I don't think it is. But it just didn't work.

 

I hope you can take something from this. I was there. It's like upside-down world where YOU don't make sense and you know you're not making sense. Get out there and meet lots of people. Do yourself a favor.

[Justaguy30]

I would love more than anything to meet someone real who I truly get along with. I don't think women that are interested in things that I love exist in this town. Its hard to even get a date. Everyone wants an army guy or someone much younger in college not a 30 year old hippie that is kind of in a rough patch in life. Ill get there though. Thank you so much for sharing your story!

[BC1980]

I would love more than anything to meet someone real who I truly get along with. I don't think women that are interested in things that I love exist in this town. Its hard to even get a date. Everyone wants an army guy or someone much younger in college not a 30 year old hippie that is kind of in a rough patch in life. Ill get there though. Thank you so much for sharing your story!

 

In my experience, it's tough to find someone you connect with, but, once you do, it seems so easy. It's frustrating, but it seems to be the way it is.

[Justaguy30]

I don't know why but I am in a lot of pain today. I am missing her again or the dream I had with her or who knows. I am lonely and wish I had someone to just watch netflix with and cuddle. Someday

[Justaguy30]

I have to continue to remind myself that even though we had some fun and we really did enjoy each other the good times we had were a very small part of the awful relationship. Perhaps I was being very paranoid but cheating once is one to many times. She would never just sit down and explain to me what was going on or say sorry for what she was doing. I was doing everything for her and she didn't ever say thank you. I have to remind myself who she really is and that person is not someone I would even want to be friends with. When she is happy sure she is fun to be around but she isn't often very happy. When she is nice its awesome but its all an act. Evil is what she is and I cannot forget that. She wouldn't tell anyone she was in a serious relationship with you, I was just her friend she lived with. Had I known she was telling people that at the time I would have left her. What sort of distorted thinking is that, I was her friend that just lived with her and took care of her kids and cooked and cleaned and paid half the bills and slept in the same bed and was engaged while she could just go screwing everyone. We were just friends in a some fake hell of a relationship where she made me look like a total fool and talked badly about me to everyone while I was doing everything for her. Just pissed off today grr

[Justaguy30]

I think I am still just hurt, who would leave their fiance at home watching their kids while they screwed everyone. Or in the house while I was sleeping. Its just so disrespectful. What really gets to me is that those men know who I am but I have no idea who they are. Who was screwing her while i was sleeping. That person sees me around town and laughs about it. Gross behavior

[BC1980]

I have to continue to remind myself that even though we had some fun and we really did enjoy each other the good times we had were a very small part of the awful relationship. Perhaps I was being very paranoid but cheating once is one to many times. She would never just sit down and explain to me what was going on or say sorry for what she was doing. I was doing everything for her and she didn't ever say thank you. I have to remind myself who she really is and that person is not someone I would even want to be friends with. When she is happy sure she is fun to be around but she isn't often very happy. When she is nice its awesome but its all an act. Evil is what she is and I cannot forget that. She wouldn't tell anyone she was in a serious relationship with you, I was just her friend she lived with. Had I known she was telling people that at the time I would have left her. What sort of distorted thinking is that, I was her friend that just lived with her and took care of her kids and cooked and cleaned and paid half the bills and slept in the same bed and was engaged while she could just go screwing everyone. We were just friends in a some fake hell of a relationship where she made me look like a total fool and talked badly about me to everyone while I was doing everything for her. Just pissed off today grr

 

I truly believe our minds can construct an image of a person that is not real, and, if you have reinforced that image over time, it becomes very difficult to see the person for who he/she truly is. I've told several people what my ex did over the years, and nearly everyone said it was emotional abuse. I was very reticent to accept that for many months, but I now think they are correct. I can no longer come to any other conclusion than that I was emotionally abused and manipulated by him where he did it consciously or not. I actually don't know if he is emotionally aware enough to do it on purpose, but that's beside the point.

 

I think it's just a part of grief. Coming to terms with the reality of the relationship. I we always knew the truth, but it's hard to admit it.

[scobro]

What you are dealing with is the "attachment" to her not specifically her.Your brain is trying to deal with how to get back to being happy with her and because you cannot, you are in pain, that's how the body and mind deal with whats going on.You miss the attachment to her and thats normal.Its going to take time for the pain to subside.Im at 6 months and its starting to get better.I am also moving 3500km across the country to start a new job and life so thats going to help me as well.My whole life was my ex and thats what the problem was.Now I need my own life and regain my self worth.This sounds like what you need to do.If you can't move focus on starting a new life.Don't contact her it never ends nice.

[Justaguy30]

I have contacted her, she doesn't want to speak with me and that's fine. We have nothing to talk about. I want nothing more than to move somewhere and start a new life but that is not possible at the moment. I need to focus on doing the things that I need to get done so I can make that a reality.

[Justaguy30]

I am still in love with the dream I had with her. I really wanted a good family life and for everyone to love everyone. It feels really great when you have a family. Its very lonely when you lose that.

[Justaguy30]

Will the pain ever fully go away. This was the most painful event of my entire life, I have never been in anywhere close to the amount of pain that she caused me. Its gotten better but some days I just hurt.

[Downtown]

Will the pain ever fully go away?

Hello, Kansas. Yes, if my experience is any guide, that strong pain will go away permanently. But it won't disappear in a linear fashion. That is, you can't expect it to get a little bit better each day. Instead, like healing from most body injuries, you will heal from the pain in fits and starts. The result is that those really bad days -- as you may be experiencing today -- still occur but get farther and farther apart.

 

The good news is that this means that, eventually, that strong pain stops appearing. The bad news is that you can expect to keep having those days where -- despite having felt good for several weeks -- you wake up feeling like you are right back where you began at step one. With ankle injuries, I had the same experience. The ankle pain would get smaller and smaller and, then, I would have a day where it was so bad I felt like I'd made no progress at all. When you get those days, it helps to remind yourself that this is simply the way ankle injuries -- and emotional injuries -- heal. Yet, despite all the fits and starts, you are making very real progress.

[Justaguy30]

Thank you Downtown. I had a really bad day yesterday and broke NC which I shouldn't have done although she called me recently and we spoke for a very brief time. I just wanted to make some sort of mends in hopes that it would make me feel better which was really stupid since that will never happen. I often forget who I am dealing with. She is not a rational person and is very delusional. She doesn't even really live in reality per say. Anyhow her response to me was **** Off. This after she called me a week or so ago to tell me how amazing she is doing and yet again how she never cheated on me. Then later in the evening as I was still having a bad day I went to get dinner with my mom and saw he driving with the guy she was cheating on me with that she worked with. I guess they are still together and it just did something to me that made me feel like I was back at like month 5 or something. I doubt ill ever go back to being in as much pain as I was in the first week. I was so hurt my entire body hurt and I was just a total wreck. I am just so sick of dealing with this pain, why did I ever have to have this amount of pain in the first place just because someone else is brutality insane and selfish.

[Justaguy30]

I think I am actually finally really starting to heal from all of this. Although I still think about situations that happened from time to time and still think about her too its not that bad. I no longer have repetitive thoughts about the situation and her. A part of me still misses her but I miss being in love I think. I don't really think it has a whole lot to do with her..

[Day.One]

Reading your posts, it sounds like you're riding the rollercoaster, like most of the rest of us. Please keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times!

 

You're going to have 'up' days, you're going to have 'down' days. But, eventually, you'll feel the ride flatten out and the hook catch under the car and pull you to the end of the ride, and you'll be able to get off.

[Justaguy30]

Reading your posts, it sounds like you're riding the rollercoaster, like most of the rest of us. Please keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times!

 

You're going to have 'up' days, you're going to have 'down' days. But, eventually, you'll feel the ride flatten out and the hook catch under the car and pull you to the end of the ride, and you'll be able to get off.

 

I am having way more up days than down days recently. The pain is still there but its not that bad and I think in a few more months I will be so over it ill never think about it in a painful manner ever again.

[ralfgarnett]

Will the pain ever fully go away. This was the most painful event of my entire life, I have never been in anywhere close to the amount of pain that she caused me. Its gotten better but some days I just hurt.

 

My heart goes out you mate I hear you and I feel your pain, I feel it too we are brothers in that respect, I too am hurting like hell, every where I go I find something of hers or something that we bought together as husband and wife, but now its all over she has gone and so as our marriage that meant so much to me.