Jet Lag Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I truly believe our minds can construct an image of a person that is not real, and, if you have reinforced that image over time, it becomes very difficult to see the person for who he/she truly is. I've told several people what my ex did over the years, and nearly everyone said it was emotional abuse. I was very reticent to accept that for many months, but I now think they are correct. I can no longer come to any other conclusion than that I was emotionally abused and manipulated by him where he did it consciously or not. I actually don't know if he is emotionally aware enough to do it on purpose, but that's beside the point. I think it's just a part of grief. Coming to terms with the reality of the relationship. I we always knew the truth, but it's hard to admit it. It is strange, isn't it. I still see my ex as this beautiful person yet others just from things I say judge him so harshly. I don't even see what I have said to make them think like that and I constantly defend him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justaguy30 Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 My ex's friends and family hate me. They are convinced that I was being abusive to her but I wasn't. I was trying to have a relationship and put up with a lot of bull **** trying to make things work. She is an abuser and always will be. I still have the image of a sweet kind person in my mind because that is how I had known her for 13 years. But in reality she isn't even a decent person. She is an awful loser. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justaguy30 Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 The worst part of the entire thing was I could not stop thinking about it. It was like I lost my mind totally and let me tell you that after that I think I could deal with about anything. Thankfully I no longer think about it constantly!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jet Lag Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 The worst part of the entire thing was I could not stop thinking about it. It was like I lost my mind totally and let me tell you that after that I think I could deal with about anything. Thankfully I no longer think about it constantly!!!! I'm still waiting for that to happen! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 My ex's friends and family hate me. They are convinced that I was being abusive to her but I wasn't.Justaguy, if she is a BPDer as you suspect, her perception of you is so distorted that she likely believes most of her outrageous claims about you. Significantly, that conviction and sincere belief make her allegations seem very believable to her friends and family. It also will be very believable to the police, as I found out when my BPDer exW had me arrested on a bogus charge and thrown into jail for three days. I still have the image of a sweet kind person in my mind because that is how I had known her for 13 years. Likewise, I thought of my exW as a "sweet kind person" for the 30 years I had known her prior to our marriage. The reality is that she is STILL that "sweet kind person" to all the casual friends, business associates, and strangers she interacts with. None of those people see her dark side because they don't pose a threat to her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- as long as they don't try to draw close to her. Heaven help them, however, if they make the mistake of trying to form a close long-term relationship. She isn't even a decent person. She is an awful loser. The BPDer's problem is not being bad or indecent but, rather, having the emotional development of a four year old. Hence, unless you think of young children as "not decent" and "awful losers," it seems inappropriate to give those labels to BPDers. In my view, it is important to distinguish between the person (e.g., children and BPDers) and that person's bad behavior. I stop making this distinction, however, whenever the person is a narcissist or sociopath. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justaguy30 Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 She is a sociopath and I am absolutely sure she is BPD plus a pathological liar and a sex addict. It is also very possible that because of all of those things she also actually has multiple personalities. So when she told me she didn't do any of those things she probably didn't. It was her other personalities that had done those things. She is good and so on. In any event I am so glad I am getting better!!!! She drove me crazy for a period of time and it was the worst time I have had in my entire life. Also she had me arrested and I also did time in jail on BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justaguy30 Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 I really did truly love her with all of my heart, that was my mistake. I knew better the whole time but its hard to walk away from someone so troubled when you love them so much and their children. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I promise ill never have a crazier relationship and will hopefully never go through that much pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justaguy30 Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 I'm still waiting for that to happen! I promise you it will, for me it took seeing my ex in person with the guy she left me for or how ever that worked. The guy she works with that she is screwing we will leave it at that. Plus finding interest in a new woman. Those things combined really pulled me out of the rut. I think seeing her with that guy just made me realize how stupid I was being. Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Justaguy, if she is a BPDer as you suspect, her perception of you is so distorted that she likely believes most of her outrageous claims about you. Significantly, that conviction and sincere belief make her allegations seem very believable to her friends and family. It also will be very believable to the police, as I found out when my BPDer exW had me arrested on a bogus charge and thrown into jail for three days. Likewise, I thought of my exW as a "sweet kind person" for the 30 years I had known her prior to our marriage. The reality is that she is STILL that "sweet kind person" to all the casual friends, business associates, and strangers she interacts with. None of those people see her dark side because they don't pose a threat to her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- as long as they don't try to draw close to her. Heaven help them, however, if they make the mistake of trying to form a close long-term relationship. The BPDer's problem is not being bad or indecent but, rather, having the emotional development of a four year old. Hence, unless you think of young children as "not decent" and "awful losers," it seems inappropriate to give those labels to BPDers. In my view, it is important to distinguish between the person (e.g., children and BPDers) and that person's bad behavior. I stop making this distinction, however, whenever the person is a narcissist or sociopath. Great and informative post DT, you have the uncanny ability to describe my own ex's behaviors perfectly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jet Lag Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I promise you it will, for me it took seeing my ex in person with the guy she left me for or how ever that worked. The guy she works with that she is screwing we will leave it at that. Plus finding interest in a new woman. Those things combined really pulled me out of the rut. I think seeing her with that guy just made me realize how stupid I was being. I'm not sure I could handle that. Just dreaming about him being with someone else destroys me. Hearing that he out with people. Even seeing his kids are both with their Mum is enough to mess with me big time. I'll hold you to that promise. I just can't see it happening at the moment...and unfortunately I don't find anyone else even vaguely attractive at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I just can't see it happening at the moment...and unfortunately I don't find anyone else even vaguely attractive at the moment. Oh it will happen. Your brain will catch up with (and eventually overcome) your heart. You'll look back and think, "That hurt but I'm really over it. What was I thinking?!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justaguy30 Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 I'm not sure I could handle that. Just dreaming about him being with someone else destroys me. Hearing that he out with people. Even seeing his kids are both with their Mum is enough to mess with me big time. I'll hold you to that promise. I just can't see it happening at the moment...and unfortunately I don't find anyone else even vaguely attractive at the moment. If I can get over what happened to me I promise you can do it!!!! I was such a wreck!!! You have no idea, I couldn't even watch tv like I don't know what she did to me but it was BAD!!! Now I don't even think about her sexually anymore. I am really interested in a new woman and I feel happy for the first time in about a year. Its like I can live life again and its awesome!!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jet Lag Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 If I can get over what happened to me I promise you can do it!!!! I was such a wreck!!! You have no idea, I couldn't even watch tv like I don't know what she did to me but it was BAD!!! Now I don't even think about her sexually anymore. I am really interested in a new woman and I feel happy for the first time in about a year. Its like I can live life again and its awesome!!!!! I only randomly have a "like" button...and I don't now...but like like like. That is fantastic Justaguy. I'm so glad you are happy. Have you found you still have codependency leanings and give too much or is that not an issue? Link to post Share on other sites
Jet Lag Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Hey Downtown, The book you mentioned, "Walking on Eggshells" does it explain all the codependency partner stuff and why breaking up with a bpd is so hard? I have a friend who it may help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justaguy30 Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 I had never been codependent in my life, I had dated many women and always liked my space. My ex pushed me into that and then I liked it but she was not doing her part. Its different when you have a relationship where you live with someone and children as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 The book you mentioned, "Walking on Eggshells" does it explain all the codependency partner stuff and why breaking up with a bpd is so hard? It explains it to some extent, JetLag. That book does a lot of things well. For this specific issue, however, you will find it addressed more concisely in two online articles. One is Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality at BPDfamily's resource page. It identifies ten mistaken beliefs that tend to keep the abused partners trapped in the toxic relationship. The other article is Shari Schreiber's article at Core Injury. Generally, I don't like Schreiber's description of BPDers because she mistakenly believes they are all narcissists and sociopaths. The reality is that most are not. I nonetheless do like her explanation of how we excessive caregivers (aka "codependents") have such a strong desire to be needed (for what we can do) that it far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are). She discusses how we got to be that way during childhood. For a longer discussion of codependency in general, a good book is Codependent No More. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jet Lag Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 It explains it to some extent, JetLag. That book does a lot of things well. For this specific issue, however, you will find it addressed more concisely in two online articles. One is Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality at BPDfamily's resource page. It identifies ten mistaken beliefs that tend to keep the abused partners trapped in the toxic relationship. The other article is Shari Schreiber's article at Core Injury. Generally, I don't like Schreiber's description of BPDers because she mistakenly believes they are all narcissists and sociopaths. The reality is that most are not. I nonetheless do like her explanation of how we excessive caregivers (aka "codependents") have such a strong desire to be needed (for what we can do) that it far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are). She discusses how we got to be that way during childhood. For a longer discussion of codependency in general, a good book is Codependent No More. Thanks for that. I am thinking that two of my exes previous partners showed strong BPD tendencies and with me he didn't feel needed. Grrr... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justaguy30 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 I am not really a codependent, I do enjoy caring for people but only children. If you are an adult not so much. I have never been codependent before this relationship. She just brainwashed me into thinking and feeling ways I didn't know how to deal with. Trying to rationalize crazy is a very difficult and stupid thing to do. Jetlag be happy that you don't have him in your life. Also be happy that you are not BPD, its awful! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justaguy30 Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 I can't figure out if I still miss her or if I miss the love I had with her that I could have with someone else. It seems I am having a really hard time finding someone new. All the women I have met thus far are seeing multiple guys and are not really single per say which is something I really have no interest in. Is it so hard to find someone that believes in finding an actual connection and doesn't just screw everyone. Perhaps I had a flawed view of the way people and relationships work and now I am figuring out how things actual work. Either way I am lonely and I miss being touched Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justaguy30 Posted November 5, 2014 Author Share Posted November 5, 2014 Well here we go again, she ****ed up my life once more and I haven't even seen her in person in months! I can't get too specific but I am feeling a lot of feelings I haven't felt in a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justaguy30 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Share Posted December 4, 2014 I have not been on here in a while. I am not longer thinking about this all the time but it still hurts. I hope no one ever has to go through what I went through. It was ****ing awful! Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 Kansas, thanks for returning to give us an update. I was wondering how you have been doing. I'm glad to hear you're not thinking of her so much now. It takes a while to heal. In my case, I had no desire to date anyone for two years following my D. Link to post Share on other sites
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