Well.... Here I am.... Officially the OW

[Logan1892]

Hi everyone. I've been following this forum for the last month since I found myself in an A. I'm 32, successful, beautiful, could have any guy I wanted and here I am.... Falling madly in love with a MM. My life is turning into a goddamn Lifetime movie.

 

We met through a mutual friend and from the moment we saw each other it was like fireworks went off. I've never felt anything like it before in my entire life. It was nuts. That night we slept together. His wife, 2 year old son and 5 month old daughter were out of town for the weekend. I left his house at 5am and didn't even leave my phone number. I wanted nothing to do with the whole situation. 5 hours later I received a text from him and we've been "together" ever since.

 

I want to believe everything he tells me. Which I'm sure you're all familiar with... "The W and I only have sex 5 times a year", "we don't even sleep in the same bed", "we got married too young", "you're my dream girl", "my W is short and has gained weight, you're a tall tan blonde skinny California girl" blah blah blah. But that's all hard for me to believe when he jumps to his phone immediately when she calls or texts.

 

Everything's been good till up until a week ago. I think he's starting to freak out. And I'm a really chill laid back person, basically he's giving me awful anxiety. The constant ups and downs of the last week have been horrible. He tried breaking it off with me on my bday which was last Friday, over text, and I didn't respond. I seriously was like... WHATEVER DUDE. 2 hours later 5 massive text apologies and non stop phone calls started. Today... The same thing. Here's a part of the convo after he started freaking out again and I told him to slow down and let's just take this one day at a time.

 

"Sorry this is really hard. If I freak out and fall off the radar please don't hate me. I think you know that isn't likely but I have a lot at stake and and my emotions are fluid. If I am asking too much please tell me."

 

I don't even know what that means. I've never asked him to leave his W for me or ask for more time then is allotted to me. Which isn't much. This whole situation is not becoming fun anymore. I love him, I absolutely do, I love everything about him, but I can't handle the constant ups and downs.

 

I guess I'm not really looking for answers because ultimately I'm going to make my own decision. I just need support because if anyone found out about this it would completely ruin my reputation. But really? He's just going to disappear???? Who does that??? Anyone been in a situation similar to this? Have any ideas of what I should say to him? We're having one of our "lunch meetings" tomorrow so if anyone could offer me some advice, that would be awesome!

 

Thanks and much love! <3 <3

Edited August 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MuddyRock]

He is probably responding to his wife being suspicious. And for who just disappears, well mm who get caught and throw the ow under the bus tend to disappear. Sounds like he is warning you in a subtle way.

[whichwayisup]

The guy is not in love with you, he's in lust. You two met and had an instant sexual attraction and strong chemistry. Then you more or less jumped into bed together and started an affair.

 

OF COURSE he's fed you all the MM lines. Question is, do you believe him? Do you really think he sleeps in a separate room from his wife? She just had their baby, 5 months ago..So they DO have sex, probably more often that you want to know. Oh and the weight, well not many women lose all their pregnancy weight so quickly.

 

I say end it because you are going to get hurt. And yes it will ruin your reputation. Society seems to judge the single person getting involved knowingly with a married person with kids much harsher than the married person him/herself.

 

So, you have a lot to lose, maybe some family members will view you differently, lose respect, as well as some friends.. Who knows..But this is YOUR life, you make it what you want it to be. You hate how you feel now, then end it. Do the right thing by walking away. It's only a matter of time before his wife finds out and many BS's have no problem exposing the affair to others..

[SoleMate]

Extramarital A's are just bad, bad ideas. The lies and deception are built right into the situation. We have had hundreds of current and former OW talk about the pain. Please read their stories and learn from it.

 

Cheating MM are, sadly, capable of things you might not believe unless you've seen it personally or read the firsthand reports here. They can be way fuller of S**T than you've ever seen before.

 

And yes, these unhappy A's conform to a cliched pattern with a few slight variations.

 

Trust your eyes and brain.....you see him jump for his wife's calls, you know he's married and lying to her.......what are the chances he's honest with you? Best advice for you is to go instant and total and permanent NC. Block him on all media. And I hope to heck he is not your boss at work......

[DKT3]

What do you want to happen? But if you read here more you will get an idea of what is most likely going to happen. Him with her and dusting yourself off from that bus that just hit you.

Edited August 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Here's some helpful words for you. END IT. No good can or will ever come of this and by the time all is said and done it'll likely be you, somewhere in tears, wondering how you got to be 40 and alone.

Edited August 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bathtub-row]

Everyone here is going to suggest to you that you end this. It's got disaster and pain written all over it. There is no good outcome to this one. He and his wife are building a family and you have just stepped into a hornet's nest. Eagerly and willingly.

 

When you come to your senses, run, run, run.

Edited August 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Actually, he's asking if you would be OK with a casual thing, and wants to make darn sure that you aren't going to freak out and tell his wife. Tell me you didn't hook up at his house. He wants to keep you, on the side, good times, little commitment except what he expects from you. That would be a good time, no constraints, and a consistent ego feed. He has two kids including a five month old??? How much extra time will you need? This will become painful to you. Choose wisely!

[2sunny]

He sounds a bit unstable- are you sure he isn't a drinker or a guy who uses drugs?

 

Read around the OW section to understand how this most often goes. Not well.

 

And don't meet him for lunch - that would send him a stronger message than seeing him.

 

Find an available man to date. He will hurt you...that's a given. Hurt now or hurt later.

Edited August 26, 2014 by 2sunny

[bentleychic]

End it asap. He's warning you that he's going to play this and you as long as you'll let him or he decides to disappear, whichever comes first.

 

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

Edited August 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Got it]

OP - you sound like a very level headed person. REGARDLESS of the situation, people show you who they are by actions. Even putting the affair aside, what are his actions telling you? To me, he doesn't know what the f*** he is doing and apparently doesn't know which end is up or down.

 

Being married and having an affair means you are playing with the big boys now and better have your sh$t together and he doesn't. He is looking to you for direction, allowance, and some head pats. He is showing you the type of relationship you are going to have with him. Is this what you want?

 

I always told my MM, his marriage is his baby to rock. We started off at, what I assumed, was a fling. When we decided to move things forward is when I put down my expectations. What he has to do, the hoops he has to jump through, etc. is not my problem. Nor was I going to make allowances outside of the major one of him being married. Like with all relationships, I put down my expectations and he either could meet them or not.

 

So, for me, what he is proposing would be a no go from me. I would not have tolerated the "head's up" on disappearing, actual disappearing, not having a game plan in place, etc. If he was going to cheat he better think two steps ahead and weigh the possible outcomes and know what he wanted to do. This whining, whimpering, confused act didn't/doesn't fly for me.

 

To each their own, and we all run our relationships differently but luckily I didn't know about the "OW Handbook" or other expectations and so assumed and expected what I would want out of any relationship. He either could meet it or not.

 

So I say figure out what you want out of the relationship and lay it out (shoot I even recapped the conversation in writing so there was no "forgotten items" latter on. ) and then go from there. He either meet them or not. Tune out the words and listen to the actions.

[WasOtherWoman]

Oh good Lord he sounds like a drama-queen. Urgh.

 

Affair aside, a man who freaks out about a relationship is really not an attractive choice for a partner.

 

To the curb... move on. As you said, you are 32, young, beautiful, successful, etc etc. Plenty of fish in the sea.

[Sub]

I think you should just consider what type of R you're looking for right now. On one hand, it doesn't seem like you're looking for anything serious. You slept with a MM the first night you met him (unless I'm misinterpreting that part), you're chill and laid back, and you're not looking for him to leave his W. On the other hand, you're madly in love and consider yourselves "together". Aside from how he's acting, what is it that you want?

[peaksandvalleys]

Hi everyone. I've been following this forum for the last month since I found myself in an A. I'm 32, successful, beautiful, could have any guy I wanted and here I am.... Falling madly in love with a MM. My life is turning into a goddamn Lifetime movie.

 

We met through a mutual friend and from the moment we saw each other it was like fireworks went off. I've never felt anything like it before in my entire life. It was nuts. That night we slept together. His wife, 2 year old son and 5 month old daughter were out of town for the weekend. I left his house at 5am and didn't even leave my phone number. I wanted nothing to do with the whole situation. 5 hours later I received a text from him and we've been "together" ever since.

 

I want to believe everything he tells me. Which I'm sure you're all familiar with... "The W and I only have sex 5 times a year", "we don't even sleep in the same bed", "we got married too young", "you're my dream girl", "my W is short and has gained weight, you're a tall tan blonde skinny California girl" blah blah blah. But that's all hard for me to believe when he jumps to his phone immediately when she calls or texts.

 

Everything's been good till up until a week ago. I think he's starting to freak out. And I'm a really chill laid back person, basically he's giving me awful anxiety. The constant ups and downs of the last week have been horrible. He tried breaking it off with me on my bday which was last Friday, over text, and I didn't respond. I seriously was like... WHATEVER DUDE. 2 hours later 5 massive text apologies and non stop phone calls started. Today... The same thing. Here's a part of the convo after he started freaking out again and I told him to slow down and let's just take this one day at a time.

 

"Sorry this is really hard. If I freak out and fall off the radar please don't hate me. I think you know that isn't likely but I have a lot at stake and and my emotions are fluid. If I am asking too much please tell me."

 

I don't even know what that means. I've never asked him to leave his W for me or ask for more time then is allotted to me. Which isn't much. This whole situation is not becoming fun anymore. I love him, I absolutely do, I love everything about him, but I can't handle the constant ups and downs.

 

I guess I'm not really looking for answers because ultimately I'm going to make my own decision. I just need support because if anyone found out about this it would completely ruin my reputation. But really? He's just going to disappear???? Who does that??? Anyone been in a situation similar to this? Have any ideas of what I should say to him? We're having one of our "lunch meetings" tomorrow so if anyone could offer me some advice, that would be awesome!

 

Thanks and much love! <3 <3

 

Yes it probably will ruin your reputation. It did the OW in my situation. I made sure of it. The person who just disappears is a person with a lot to hide. They are living a life that requires lies, deception, omission and control of everyone around them. What I can tell you from the BS side is you never know how the BS will react to finding out they are living a lie. Some get angry, some become despondent, still others take it in stride and have an affair of their own.

 

I am not sure how one might describe my actions. I would say I alternated between anger, pain and revenge. I decided to plain how I would bust them both. Nothing ended well for them. They both lost their careers, their families and their reputation. Those are some possible consequences. As you said you will ultimately make the decision that is right for you but be aware there are choices that will cost more pain than others.

[herself]

My EAP got SERIOUSLY hot and HEAVY when his kids were really young.

I think his W was breastfeeding and also sleeping in the nursery as he used to text me late at night for a few hours so they weren't in the same room.

My point is he needed that sexual attention and ego boost his w used to give him when she wasn't tending to babies. She will bounce back, lose her weight, get her sex drive back and he will be back to not needing the ego stroke and feeling guilty for straying.

Then the rollercoaster ride ensues because he wont go cold turkey with you.

He loves her, wants you...its all alot to handle.

Let go before you get deeper.

[William]

OK, since there's been enough members either sanctioned, moderated or banned out of this thread, I'll repeat, as often done in this particular forum, that topical and respectful comments are always welcomed here. I understand that opinion varies widely about what is topical and respectful but site guidelines and the opinions of myself, Robert and our head moderator Tony are what matter here. Members post here as a privilege, not a right.

 

I probably should have inserted this earlier, like immediately after the first post, as that seems to be the requirement these days but I simply can't keep up with the thousands of posts added each day so sometimes getting to it is delayed and people escalate things.

 

Thread starter, be aware, as a new member, this is an interactive forum and we may close threads by new members if they haven't added content or engaged here after 24 hours. This is to discourage drive-by posting and 'trolling', as well as to encourage an active discourse between the thread starter and members who were so kind as to respond to the topic.

 

OK, back to the discussion and sorry for the intrusion.

[SoleMate]

Logan, if you're still here, may I respectfully suggest you consider IC with a focus on possible depression or self-esteem issues? Along with NC. And get your counselor's help on working towards stable, healthy relationship(s) that make sense for you. I would recommend this for anyone who chooses a r/s that is destructive and/or is much less advantageous than they could be engaged in.

[veryhappy]

There is no point in understanding him. He's just a pathetic cheating MM who just lives in the moment and can't see past the present. He seems to have a lot of guilt and responsibilities on the home front.

 

 

 

 

You are 32. Looking to have kids? He won't with you. He just had two and he's busy. So to you he's a dead end.

 

 

Of course he doesn't get sex at home. His wife had two pregnancies and two kids in the past three years. She has an excuse for not wanting sex. Now if in 5 years the sex is still dead, then yes he should have a problem with that. But for now it's normal and he should live with it.

 

 

 

 

With small kids my advice is always to let that family be. It's a hard phase in life and it requires everything. Don't waste your youth getting into it.

 

 

He tried to let you go on your birthday. Who does that? Make his wish come true and wish him all the best, just not with you in his life.