Seeking tips from people with a LOT on their plates

[PerfectStorm]

Background information. I'm a 31 yo female. I make a decent salary in business management. My divorce will be final in 3 weeks, separation has been going on for about 15 months. We share 50/50 custody of our 4 children together. Before you judge, we had 2 children, then had twins. Haha! Surprise of a lifetime. My exH is what I guess you'd refer to as functioning alcoholic because he seems to thrive in every area of his life when drinking isn't involved. Great at his job, great father, son, friend but crappy husband. On his 2nd DUI, could be abusive when intoxicated, came home whenever he wanted, ect. You get the picture this in't really about him though.

 

I made the decision to walk away with no property or assets to get it over with. Plus because of the shared custody, anything I'd do to hurt him financially would hurt my children financially as well when they're with him. Essentially I'm starting over at 31 with 4 children, about to loose my health insurance, staying in an expensive rental living paycheck to paycheck again. To help with the healing, to keep myself busy when I don't have my children, (Plus I've decided it's a good idea to stay away from everyone with a penis for a while. No offense :-). and to be able to build a future for us by myself, I've decided to take on a 2nd fulltime job. The pay isn't great but it's an evening job in a warehouse that works around my custody and current work schedule. It will give me the ability to save a 20% down payment for a house in about 9 months. Part-time wasn't an option and it would take me twice as long.

 

I feel this is the right path but the problem lies in this will be the most I've ever tried to manage by myself. I will be working 75-85 hours a week, and caring for 4 children half of the week as well. I cannot let my current job performance suffer from my main source of income. I cannot let it effect my ability to raise my children when I have them. I will only be working one job, like usual when I have them anyway. But I will be going on 4 hours of sleep the other 2-3 nights/week and the 2nd job requires walking 12 miles per night it will be 3-4 nights a week. I'm seeking advice of any nature on how to survive the next 9 months. I already take supplements and vitamins, eat healthy, I'm in fairly decent shape. I've read up on energy boosting tips, and stories of CEO's that sleep 3-6 hours of sleep. Hehe. Please advise!!!!

Edited August 26, 2014 by PerfectStorm

[Michelle ma Belle]

First, I'm sorry to hear of your break-up but I'm thrilled to see another strong and empowered woman taking charge of her family, her life and her happiness so KUDOS!!

 

All I can say is that you need to keep your eye on the prize. You said yourself that this second full-time job is basically to help speed up your savings so you can put down a decent down payment in about 9 months. As it stands at the moment, this isn't supposed to be a forever gig so stay FOCUSED.

 

As mothers but especially as single mothers there is nothing we wouldn't do to take care of our children. Divorce is very hard on them even in the best scenarios but it's not impossible to make a happy home for them.

 

Yes, you will be tired but try looking at the bright side of things; there aren't too many companies that would work about a single mother's custody schedule. That's something to celebrate and should be a sign that this is something worth trying.

 

If it turns out that your "real" job and/or your children suffer in any way, you can revamp your plans at that time otherwise remember WHY you're doing this. Be sure to take care of yourself (which you seem to be doing already) and always try and find the positives in anything and everything. This really does help despite how silly it may sound.

 

Good luck my friend and hugs to you

[PerfectStorm]

Thank you for your words of encouragement!! Single motherhood is new to me. It really did bring tears to my eyes. I know it will take nothing but focus and determination. Short term sacrifice for long term benefit. Love your quote on your signature btw!

[bubbaganoosh]

I found out a long time ago when I was self employed for 35 years that every day brought something new and a lot of times it wasn't good and many a day I had a ton of things on my plate.

 

What I learned was that you have to look at the situation and see which problems take priority. Then you correct it and move on to the next one. In other words one thing at a time. Trying to take care of all of them or a few at a time is like moving the peas on your plate when you were a kid so it looked like you ate them but in reality, their still there and you still had to eat them.

 

You seem to be headed in the right direction and in order to get something out of it you have to put a ton of time and energy in now and in the long run, you'll get your just reward and one of those rewards will be that you got it on your own. Best of luck to you.

[GoBlue]

Keep telling yourself "this is temporary"...

[preraph]

You kind of shot yourself in the foot by your impatience to end the union. You're going to need that money. I hope you didn't forego child support as well. If you didn't sign anything relinquishing those assets that were half yours, then you should do it. I have trouble believing any attorney would have let you do that and I can't imagine anyone in business would enter into a divorce proceeding without an attorney. If you did sign something without the benefit of counsel, I would still go talk to an attorney about it and get possibly undone.

 

You have to have time to take care of yourself first or you will not be fit to care for your children or do justice to your employer, so you can't just load your plate full and hope everything is rosy.

 

Please be aware that as you are working two jobs and not spending time with your kids because of it, that's the kind of ammunition that can make an ex resolicit the court for full custody.

 

There's no magic technique that will make you able to do two jobs and raise 4 kids with no sleep. Your ex must be getting plenty of sleep, having walked away with everything.

[spiderowl]

Basically, it sounds like you are taking too much on. Your health is likely to suffer and how can you cope with your children when so exhausted and drained?

 

I know you wanted to avoid the hassle of getting assets from your husband but you deserve your fair share for you and your children. Could you see if you can get a better deal by using a mediation service or something? Surely you couldn't be worse off if you got more from your husband? I know you want to be strong. Maybe you should think about what your motivation to avoid hassling him really is? Is it because you fear it would affect your children badly or something else? Just saying it's worth looking at this again.

 

Why should you have to go back to square one when he doesn't? If you both came out with equal assets, why would your children be worse off? Is it too late to go back to this issue? I just know what a struggle it is when you have little money and you are also responsible for bringing up children. I have had years of this too and if I'd had a husband who could have given me a reasonable divorce settlement, I would not have gone through the stress I have for years.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you for your words of encouragement!! Single motherhood is new to me. It really did bring tears to my eyes. I know it will take nothing but focus and determination. Short term sacrifice for long term benefit. Love your quote on your signature btw!

 

I had a phobia about being a single mum......when i was in a relationship with my ex most of my friends are single mums...i would baby sit their children while they worked(my ex didnt want me to work ) and they would confide in me about how the dads never paid anything and had abandoned their children and i was with them through the struggles they faced....now after one grueling day and a distraught single mum friend i said to my ex my worst fear is to be a single mum and to go to bed at night without you to talk to...as far as confiding ain anyone my partner was the one i confided in when i had it tough.......guess what happened...yep five kids single mum ....i become a single mum in my thirties i am now 45 with grandchildren

 

 

i too moved away with what i could take......i have full custody........and i would never stop the kids from seeing their dad......we have a workable relationship over the phone..he pays his child support.......two of my children have their own families...and i have struggles raising teen girls......and a disabled son....it wouldnt change if i had a partner......i would still have struggles.....at the and fo the day i go to bed and i thank god my kids are alright.....

 

 

 

 

i dont have that partner to talk to when the stars come out to play.....but i am proud of what i have done...i never gave up......it never gets harder than i can handle and sometimes...the most extraordinary things happen that make me smile......i laugh a lot......at myself.....smilin.....

 

 

 

 

take it easy on you do the best you can do.....parenting children is rewarding partnered or not......and necessary ....us single mums yep we are soldiers...guiding our children and we can do it alone haviNG A STRONG SUPPORT NETWORK THOUGH IS REALLY GOOD TO HAVE..........i learned that......

 

 

 

what is important TOO is good role models in males......so family ....friends you know ....people you acquaint with..they have a strong female in their lives...that is you........to get that balance back..finding good male role models so they get to see ....how a good man is...........that is my only advice really...i am sorry it didnt work out for you...you are a strong woman and a good mum......you can do this......deb

[thefooloftheyear]

Hmmmm....When a guy gives up the lions share or all of the assets to the exW, and starts off "back to square one" with nothing but the shirt on his back, for the sake of his kids, he is looked at as a "stand up guy"...if a woman does it she is a fool and a dope and should go for all she should get...no matter what happens.....Oh well-might as well go ahead and take him to the cleaners,,...

 

Anyway....

 

I run two businesses and work easily 70/80 hrs a week..Its crazy, but you do get used to it...One thing that is very important is to not forget to take care of yourself...Try to fit time in for exercise and avoid eating junk at all costs-which isnt easy when you are busy, but I manage to do it...Just takes some planning and discipline...

 

But really....Talk to the exH...if he is a "good guy" he'd likely feel bad that you have to work all those hours and he will come up with a compromise that works...I know thats what I would do...Ex or not...I wouldnt let the mother of my kids be under that type of pressure..if nothing else, to prevent the kids from getting the short end..

 

Good Luck

 

TFY

[jm2013]

If you need more income you may want to explorer job jumping. You can increase your salary significantly moving to a new job. And this would allow you to work a 40 hour work week and get paid much more. For the past 5-6 years most companies have stagnated or given raises that aren't even keeping up with inflation. Staying at your company longer than two years will most likely net you 50% less over your lifetime. And when you switch jobs you can see anything between a 10-20% raise from the new company taking you in. You may also get a counter offer from your company if you do this.

[still_an_Angel]

Keep your eye on the prize and stay focused. You will get there somehow.

Took me over 2 years to stabilize my home life after my H walked out on us. My youngest child was barely 2years old at the time, one in kindy and only the oldest in primary school (childcare is super expensive for under 2yrs old here). It took its toll on me physically as I battled to keep depression at bay. Work and my kids were my only focus.

 

 

You have taken on a lot and your plate looks too full, but you have this all worked out and with determination, you will come out of the tunnel. Please look after yourself, you need your health to keep going. You go girl!

 

 

(((hugs))) Angel

[PerfectStorm]

I appreciate everyone's feedback but I really wasn't asking for opinions on my divorce. I was seeking advice on the path I've already chosen. I have no doubts letting him keep the house, not seeking child support, ect was the best decision. I'll explain, even though that is not the issue.

 

My career is on a much steadier path than his. He could find himself laid off within the next year. That jail time he'll be serving definitely isn't going to help his opportunity for advancement. I make more money than him. It will be easier for me to rebuild in the long run. If anyone owes anyone child support it would actually be me. So.....him keeping the assets, long story short was a compromise. I'm not out to hurt this man. Him finding himself homeless jobless and dealing with an alcohol problem a year from now and in the care of my children half the time didn't sound like a great idea to me. I've taken parenting through divorce classes and seen some of those people. That fight over toasters and blankets, using their children against each other. For years. Still fighting and dwelling on things that happened years ago. Good lord, I can't imagine wrapping that much of my energy into it. Walking away from it is much more style, let's just put it that way. I'm no stranger to hard work. I watched my father work 2 fulltime jobs and care for us children to put my mother through college. He worked 2 jobs to put himself through college. I've had a job since I was 14 years old, I've often worked 2 jobs. Just not since I've had children. My health is also not an issue.

 

Does anyone practice meditation? I've been reading on the ability to clear your mind and focus. Training your thoughts in a certain direction. Tips for in the beginning would be much appreciated.

[spiderowl]

I appreciate everyone's feedback but I really wasn't asking for opinions on my divorce. I was seeking advice on the path I've already chosen. I have no doubts letting him keep the house, not seeking child support, ect was the best decision. I'll explain, even though that is not the issue.

 

My career is on a much steadier path than his. He could find himself laid off within the next year. That jail time he'll be serving definitely isn't going to help his opportunity for advancement. I make more money than him. It will be easier for me to rebuild in the long run. If anyone owes anyone child support it would actually be me. So.....him keeping the assets, long story short was a compromise. I'm not out to hurt this man. Him finding himself homeless jobless and dealing with an alcohol problem a year from now and in the care of my children half the time didn't sound like a great idea to me. I've taken parenting through divorce classes and seen some of those people. That fight over toasters and blankets, using their children against each other. For years. Still fighting and dwelling on things that happened years ago. Good lord, I can't imagine wrapping that much of my energy into it. Walking away from it is much more style, let's just put it that way. I'm no stranger to hard work. I watched my father work 2 fulltime jobs and care for us children to put my mother through college. He worked 2 jobs to put himself through college. I've had a job since I was 14 years old, I've often worked 2 jobs. Just not since I've had children. My health is also not an issue.

 

Does anyone practice meditation? I've been reading on the ability to clear your mind and focus. Training your thoughts in a certain direction. Tips for in the beginning would be much appreciated.

 

Sounds well thought out. I admire what you want to do, still think it's taking a lot on but you sound like a good manager.

 

I play a musical instrument which helps me to relax. It's got me through some very hard times. There is a learning curve at first, if you don't already play, but the relaxation that comes from playing something you enjoy hearing and also using your hands which I find occupies my mind better but not in a tiring way. It is particularly helpful during stressful times.

[Thruster]

yes -- know CEO's that do it

well guess what - -they crash - -and hard

heart / health issues

 

 

sucks but you need to focus on the kids and self more

It will be too late of a wake up call when you are sprawled out on the floor in the bathroom grabbing your chest

 

 

you know dang well what you are doing is bad for you and them

make a little change then go from there girl

 

 

cut back 10 hours - it will do you good 100%

[TAV]

First of all: You are capable of far more than you give yourself credit for now (and I'm not only talking about working two jobs).

 

Second: The sense of freedom and pride you will feel when you are doing it all by yourself is very empowering. Especially when you see your kids doing well despite the changed situation.

 

Third: You can't be perfect at everything. Your priorities are yourself and your kids, so make sure they are taken care of. That the house may not always be in order or your social life suffers is almost inevitable. Don't beat yourself up about it. Instead compliment yourself every morning when you look in the mirror. And when you finally go to bed at night (dead tired most of the time, I imagine) think about the nicest thing that happened that day. A smile from one of your children, something you achieved at work, that sweet card your friend sent you, that interested glance from that guy at work; anything that makes you feel better about yourself.

 

It will be the battle of your lifetime, but you can do it. Good luck xx

[Emma1234]

I don't have any advice but you need to know how much I admire you, it's taking some strength to do what you're doing. Keep going x