Does Separation mean Divorce?

[Separated Sarah]

Hello all, I am new here,

I just need to share my story and get some advice from people in like minded situations. So here goes:

Hubby and I have been together almost 18 years and married for almost 13.

No kids

Good careers (i travel a lot in mine - part of the break down of our marriage).

 

Over last 2 years we have drifted apart, I am very sociable and he is a loner, happy with his own company and our 2 dogs.

 

I always thought we had a really strong marraige, we hardly ever rowed, we had a sex life ( not as great as it could have been - partly due to him smoking pot... but that is another story).

 

Back in June, I came back from a work trip and found him to be very uninterested in me or stuff generally. I had a go at him and said "you dont care, you dont care about the house or me" and he replied " no, I don't, I don't care"

With that I took off my wedding ring and said "that is exactly what I have waited to hear for a few months now" and I packed and left to stay at my friends (who is single mum and has spare room - he has no real friends he could call on, so I always knew it would be me to leave).

 

Anyway, the following week, I wrote him a long email to say I know things had got bad etc etc but I wanted to make our marriage work with counselling. His answer " I don't know what I want"

 

And 9 weeks on that is the same answer. I went to a relate session, on my own. He then agreed to go to and he did (fair play) but he says it made him relaise that what I had said earlier on our separation is that he is not feeling any different (because I am often out or away with work) he is not missing me, he has his creature comforts around him and nothing has changed. He now realises that he needs to move out to find out what it feels like to be out of comfort zone so has agreed to rent somewhere.

 

At first I thought this was a good decision, but now I am not sure. it feels like the end. It feels like he knows what he want but he just wont say, even though I have given him so many opportunities to end our marriage.

 

I found out today that he has too taken his wedding ring off... this really hurt me. That feels so final. yet I don't have any right to be upset as I took mine off at the beginning of all this.

 

So, do I go along with this thing of him moving out or do I just say... c'mon, stop wasting time... lets just sell the house and get it over with?

 

Will this separation ultimately lead to divorce or can it be worked at?

 

Only on Saturday when he told me of this decision, he then said, perhaps we can go back to dating each other, but I cant do that whilst I am here and if you are here, we need to be apart.

 

 

We went out for dinner about 3 weeks ago and had a lovely time, not talking about us. and he sent me a text the next day to say it was nice to see me etc. So, I am confused and he does not want to lead me on, but equally, I do not want to throw away 18 years.

 

I am 99.9% sure there is no one else in this situation. But I may be wrong.

 

Any advice will be gratefully received. thank you

 

S

[whichwayisup]

Get together with him and talk this out. It would be a real shame to throw away your marriage without giving it your best, together doing marriage counseling.

 

But, with that said, if one person wants out of the marriage and is done with it, there's no point in trying. Once a person decides it's over - Usually it's over for good.

 

I think you wanted your husband to fight for you. Yet he took his ring off and that showed you how he felt too..Maybe you just thought you were the unhappy one and he was just going with the flow, yet still happy enough. I'm sure it hurt but as you said, you took your ring off first...That hurt him as well and that action is huge, it's basically giving up. And you left too...

 

Do you two love one another to fix this and try to make your marriage better? or is it healthier for you both to just divorce and be on your own?

 

Anyway, get together and talk to him, see where his head is and let him know what you think/feel.

[Akashsingh]

Separation = divorce practice. The longer you are separated, the more likely you will divorce. Give him some space. Find out what he wants . Have some patience. Do marriage counseling but don't throw it away. The longer you guys live apart, less likely you are to come back together,

[Pickmeup]

Hi WOW you are right, our stories are so similar. We must keep in touch and help each other along this painful journey.

 

Unfortunately there are no quick answers, I believe every relationship is unique and that no one rule fits all, just go with your gut feeling on how to deal with and handle your own situation. Just put yourself first that's the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

 

I too am trying the "being friends" in the hope that it would rekindle something but my H is hesitant about this as he doesn't want to give me false hope. So starting to think I shouldn't put myself through it.

 

I just don't want to give up so easily and regret it in time that I didn't try hard enough! Neither of us have removed our wedding rings but I hate the way I analyse this, I just cling onto everything for hope!

 

One question which is good to ask yourself though "if he asked you to move back in tomorrow how would you really feel?"

[KarlaB]

Pickmeup I too am trying the being friends thing.. I think for him he thinks its great but for me it's a bit more painful. I am trying though for our son because I don't want him to see us hating each other. I too don't want to give up on H but he is the one that says we just are't compatible anymore. We have been married 15 years and he is just willing to quit and not try MC so I feel like dirt on the bottom of his shoe that he can throw away.

[PerfectStorm]

I have no advice as my separation ended in divorce.

 

But as encouragement or hope. I'll let you know that my parents (mother & adoptive father) overcame some very very serious issues in their 28 years together. Patterns of abuse, alcoholism, ect. They were legally separated for a couple of years. They've been through it all and fought through it all. They never gave up on each other. IC, marriage counseling, church, both now in AA and sober for over 2 years. I can honestly say I have never seen them happier or more at ease with each other. Truly in love & truly blessed even after all that dysfunction.

[carhill]

Over last 2 years we have drifted apart, I am very sociable and he is a loner, happy with his own company and our 2 dogs.

 

I always thought we had a really strong marraige, we hardly ever rowed, we had a sex life ( not as great as it could have been - partly due to him smoking pot... but that is another story).

 

IMO, if you both feel you had a 'strong' marriage, meaning a solid foundation, and there has been no serious abrogations of your marital trust, like abandonment, abuse, infidelity, etc, and you both can honestly say you still love each other as humans and partners, then IMO your M can be recovered to a healthy state, but only if you both are committed to it. That can happen while you're apart and together.

 

If he does move out, clearly communicate the ground rules for separation and agree on them, whatever they are.

[LifeNomad]

the good news is, that every single person I have talked to that has been together a good 40, 50+++ yrs (im talking seniors here) all say the same things, its not easy, takes a lot of work and compromise on both sides, you will always have ups and downs, its up to you and your partner to WANT to make it work, to stick together and come out through the fog stronger than before.

 

 

There will be separations, fights, periods of silence (no talking to each other), its up to you all to make it work together.

 

 

I wish you luck!

[Separated Sarah]

the good news is, that every single person I have talked to that has been together a good 40, 50+++ yrs (im talking seniors here) all say the same things, its not easy, takes a lot of work and compromise on both sides, you will always have ups and downs, its up to you and your partner to WANT to make it work, to stick together and come out through the fog stronger than before.

 

 

There will be separations, fights, periods of silence (no talking to each other), its up to you all to make it work together.

 

 

I wish you luck!

thank you . and you are right... although since writing last night my thoughts have changed some what and I feel angry and rejected and I am sick of being the one fighting with getting nothing back. Things are going to change - but it will be for the worse I am sure (better in the long run)

[Separated Sarah]

IMO, if you both feel you had a 'strong' marriage, meaning a solid foundation, and there has been no serious abrogations of your marital trust, like abandonment, abuse, infidelity, etc, and you both can honestly say you still love each other as humans and partners, then IMO your M can be recovered to a healthy state, but only if you both are committed to it. That can happen while you're apart and together.

 

If he does move out, clearly communicate the ground rules for separation and agree on them, whatever they are.

LifeNomad - I really wish I could feel your positivity. But right now, I am beyond angry that my man is not standing up and fighting for me, IMHO - he has not showed me once ounce that he really wants to make this work. I fear that tomorrow when I have arranged to see him... he is going to hear some home truths, and it will be the end :-(

[Separated Sarah]

IMO, if you both feel you had a 'strong' marriage, meaning a solid foundation, and there has been no serious abrogations of your marital trust, like abandonment, abuse, infidelity, etc, and you both can honestly say you still love each other as humans and partners, then IMO your M can be recovered to a healthy state, but only if you both are committed to it. That can happen while you're apart and together.

 

If he does move out, clearly communicate the ground rules for separation and agree on them, whatever they are.

Hi Carhill. thanks for that. Although, I am SO not feeling this right now. I just want to let him know how much he has hurt me, he does not care and if he did he would stand up and fight. I am supposed to be the most important person in his life.. I am not, that is clear.

[Separated Sarah]

I have no advice as my separation ended in divorce.

 

But as encouragement or hope. I'll let you know that my parents (mother & adoptive father) overcame some very very serious issues in their 28 years together. Patterns of abuse, alcoholism, ect. They were legally separated for a couple of years. They've been through it all and fought through it all. They never gave up on each other. IC, marriage counseling, church, both now in AA and sober for over 2 years. I can honestly say I have never seen them happier or more at ease with each other. Truly in love & truly blessed even after all that dysfunction.

Perfect Storm, that is SO lovely and I totally applaud them for their perseverance. Credit where credit is due. Sadly my Hubby is showing no signs of fighting - I have thought about this so much and for him to decide to rent somewhere else, he may as well sign the divorce paper. The Gulf will be just too big to bridge

[Separated Sarah]

Hi WOW you are right, our stories are so similar. We must keep in touch and help each other along this painful journey.

 

Unfortunately there are no quick answers, I believe every relationship is unique and that no one rule fits all, just go with your gut feeling on how to deal with and handle your own situation. Just put yourself first that's the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

 

I too am trying the "being friends" in the hope that it would rekindle something but my H is hesitant about this as he doesn't want to give me false hope. So starting to think I shouldn't put myself through it.

 

I just don't want to give up so easily and regret it in time that I didn't try hard enough! Neither of us have removed our wedding rings but I hate the way I analyse this, I just cling onto everything for hope!

 

One question which is good to ask yourself though "if he asked you to move back in tomorrow how would you really feel?"

PickMe Up - this whole thing sucks. I am so fed up of feeling like this. I feel I have been shafted and am being warmed up for the big heave - ho. But that is not going to happen, I will tell him I am not going to wait for him to have his space and then tell me. I am convinced that there is someone else. So let them have him - good luck to them. Can you tell I am angry? LOL

[Separated Sarah]

Separation = divorce practice. The longer you are separated, the more likely you will divorce. Give him some space. Find out what he wants . Have some patience. Do marriage counseling but don't throw it away. The longer you guys live apart, less likely you are to come back together,

AkaShsingh - I agree - it does lead that way. Sadly.. he is making the path easier to follow. I feel very bitter and angry today, hormonal maybe but enough is enough

[Pickmeup]

How did you meeting go? I think I am too late to offer you good luck with it!

It will be his loss if he chooses to walk away.

 

Keep us updated on how you grow day by day, I am looking forward to us all posting our happy days on here sometime soon :-)

[slizl]

I really don't believe in separation, either you work on things or you divorce. What I will say that helped me get through my divorce was knowing that my ex and I tried EVERYTHING to try to work things out (three councelors, reading books about communication, etc.). It's nice because looking back now, I have no regrets and have been able to move on with my life

[Pickmeup]

I really don't believe in separation, either you work on things or you divorce. What I will say that helped me get through my divorce was knowing that my ex and I tried EVERYTHING to try to work things out (three councelors, reading books about communication, etc.). It's nice because looking back now, I have no regrets and have been able to move on with my life

That's how I would like to be Slizl you are so right.

 

As long as I have tried all I can then I know there can be no regrets. I feel at the moment we have given up too quickly and will just drift apart living separately, how can we fix anything if we do not talk about it or face it.

 

I cannot work on it alone though, my H didn't want to read books, he tried counselling but we gave up too soon - it didn't seem to help, I wonder if we had a bad counselor it was our first so nothing to compare them too.

 

It just feels the whole situation is being dragged out until H is much stronger and then tells me he wants a divorce anyway.

[slizl]

To be honest, only one out of the three counselors that we saw worked well. Not to say that the other two weren't good at their job, just not good for us as a couple I guess. Maybe try another counselor?

[jackslife]

I think he wants out. You don't have children and in that respect it is a blessing. I don't buy into this we've been married for 50 years, highs and lows etc..

 

You are a different generation to them. Whilst buying into the idea of marriage being for ever is lovely and sincerely meant when you marry, it doesn't mean it is.

 

If he can't be arsed the why are you chasing him?

 

I'm surprised that no one has suggested the 180. Very popular on here.

 

My POV, I don't think it's worth going to relate, I think the endless smoking pot is a deal breaker. I'd cut your losses and divorce.

 

If he isn't fighting to keep you, then he isn't worthy of being your husband.

[SoleMate]

Back in June, I came back from a work trip and found him to be very uninterested in me or stuff generally. I had a go at him and said "you dont care, you dont care about the house or me" and he replied " no, I don't, I don't care"

With that I took off my wedding ring and said "that is exactly what I have waited to hear for a few months now" and I packed and left to stay at my friends (who is single mum and has spare room - he has no real friends he could call on, so I always knew it would be me to leave).

 

Anyway, the following week, I wrote him a long email to say I know things had got bad etc etc but I wanted to make our marriage work with counselling. His answer " I don't know what I want"

 

It's not solely the job of your husband to fight for your marriage. It's also your job. What I see is that each of you feels hurt and dissatisfied, and you each address it by hurting or withdrawing from the other. The vows you both took deserve more stick-to-it-iveness than this!

 

I recommend buying two copies of His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Read and discuss. Don't just end a marriage based on peevishness and bad moods.

[oldshirt]

As a general rule separation is a positive step towards moving if the decision has been reached to divorce. It gives people a chance to transition in stages from married life to divorced life.

 

It can also have its place if there has been some kind of traumatic "event" such as violence, discovered affair, huge fight or fights that just won't stop on their own etc, and people just need some time to break away, let the dust settle and collect their thoughts and come up with solutions/game plans etc.

 

Where separation is a clear detriment is when people do not wish to divorce and there is NOT any kind of abuse or extreme emotions or bloody fighting. In those cases all separation does is make it easier and more comfortable to be apart.

 

Basically speaking, assuming no abuse or threat of impending violence etc, separation is positive step towards divorce and a negative step towards reconciliation. In the absence of abuse or violence, counselors will almost always reccommend reconciliation in the home.

 

Even if separation is agreed upon it should be mediated in counseling and the ground rules and timelines and objectives etc should be discussed and mediated in counseling rather than people just packing their bags and doing their own thing (that's what being single is)

 

IMHO I get the feeling you want the marriage to work and do not wish divorce. In that instance I think separation is going the wrong direction.

[oldshirt]

Now I do want to address something else that i am surprised few other people have brought up - the drug abuse.

 

The thing about chronic pot use is it makes people perfectly happy to just sit and do nothing. Pot may not be as physically and mentally destructive as harder drugs, but just because it's socially acceptable and becoming more and more legal does not mean that it is benign or doesn't have any detrimental effects.

 

His pot use could very well be a big component of his passive and apathetic nature. Someone who's system is full of pot is perfectly happy to sit and eat chocolate and simply not care that their life is crumbling down around them. When he says he doesn't care, he may actually mean it!!

 

When someone has any kind of intoxicants in their system, they are not thinking, feeling, acting or responding appropriately to their environments around them. They are not processing information appropriately and are not dealing with important situations appropriately.

 

I know you don't want this separation or divorce, but while he is under the influence of pot, he is not a real husband, friend, lover, roommate etc anyway.

 

You may want to get back together and live the life you know you have the potential to have, but as long as he has pot in his system, he not responding as a normal healthy person.

 

If for some reason he does change his tune and want to come back, you really need to have being completely off the drugs before you take him back.

 

And in his case that doesn't mean a day or so to where he isnt feeling the buzz. It could be multiple months or even longer before it is completely out of his system and his brain has recovered and no longer influenced by its effects.

[jackslife]

Now I do want to address something else that i am surprised few other people have brought up - the drug abuse.

 

The thing about chronic pot use is it makes people perfectly happy to just sit and do nothing. Pot may not be as physically and mentally destructive as harder drugs, but just because it's socially acceptable and becoming more and more legal does not mean that it is benign or doesn't have any detrimental effects.

 

.

 

Have to agree with Oldshirt here. Pot is one of those drugs that people think is okay to take. When I was at art college everyone smoked it - it's harmless right? But continually taking a drug that makes you apathetic and does have serious side effects is bound to be damaging in the long run.

 

If he's is almost permanently spaced there is a big problem here. Odd thing about pot it has a slightly cool look and is the drug for people who don't take drugs. But if your H was permanently drunk you'd probably think there was more of a problem.

 

If you and he want to R, I think getting him off the weed is very important.

[Tayken]

Yes...separation inevitably means divorce is imminent. You can try to overlook it and pretend that there is still a chance, but more often that not people find themselves back at square one again.

 

For divorce to be granted in most cases, there has to be an official separation date i.e. when you both decided to live separately as not husband and wife, and divorce is granted 1 yr after the separation date.

 

Family court use this date to sort issues like equalization, divorce, child support, alimony etc