Relationship ramblings and questions..

[k10k]

I feel like a total loser when it comes to relationships, but by now I'm definitely a pro at going through the breakup motions.

 

He dumped in Jan and by March/April - I jumped straight back into it without processing things properly or taking it slow. I think this is part of my nature which needs fixing, I tend to do things compulsively/unconsciously - always have a "go with the flow" type attitude, instead of taking my time to consider the consequences carefully, or maybe you could also say "follow my heart" instead of "follow my head", or maybe I just went back because it felt good/better than being in pain and I missed him and wanted to be with him.

 

I need to be a "conscious driver" of my life instead of the "passenger" who just goes along for the ride without thinking of the actual destination, or whether or not my needs will actually be met whilst on the journey.

 

At this point though.. I don't even know what my needs are? I don't really want to have "needs" or expectations from another person. I don't know what my destination should look like. I don't think I even know what a healthy relationship is to be honest. I am so utterly confused. I'm trying to process what actually went down, and I know this takes time..

 

I have so many questions and to help, I thought I'd ask you guys.. what are your "needs" in a relationship? What does a healthy relationship look like to you? Do you think expectations are necessary when with a SO?

 

Our relationship was one where he never wanted to label it, he has different views to most people on what relationships are. I think this has messed me up.. because on the one hand I can agree with most of his views, but on the other, it didn't really make me feel very special, always insecure.

 

Was he the route of my insecurity, or am I the route of my insecurity? What is relationship security? Someone can proclaim commitment and promise to never leave you, but then leave you the very next day anyway?. You can have the girlfriend/wife label, but that doesn't necessarily mean forever.

 

Plus, he always dumps me via email, he said "I will always love you" - why does he only say this when he ends things? Really pisses me off that he doesn't communicate in person before just sending a flipping email.