21-year-old son won't speak to mother after she left

[IYamWhatIYam]

My wife handed me divorce papers four weeks ago. We were in counseling, but there had been no discussion of divorce or separation before that day.

 

She spent 15 minutes with our two kids, ages 18 and 21, and left 3 hours later to live with her family 5 hours away, saying that she would never come back to the area, but that they could visit her.

 

Both kids are still feeling the effects of the death of their sister a few year ago, as are my wife and I (the sting of the death of a child never goes away). I'm not blaming this all on my wife.

 

I took my youngest to college (she's a freshman) a few weeks later. My son, age 21, is living with me and is just starting to commute to a local college after a disastrous year elsewhere (he has learning disabilities).

 

I urged both of them to call their mother, and my youngest relented after a few days, although she got off the phone upset because she was certain that my wife and would never be reunited, and because my wife was so angered at me.

 

My son hasn't had any contact with her. He was upset at the way she left, and feels that she had really cooled off to him after he flunked out of college. I've spoken to him a number of times about contacting her, and have resisted bad mouthing her as best I can in front of him and his sister. I've taken plenty of credit for me contributing to her leaving when talking to them.

 

My wife hasn't called or emailed my son, either.

 

Should I really press my son to call her, or just give it time? I've seen parent/child estrangements that have been damaging and very long.

[GorillaTheater]

Your heart's in the right place by urging your son to call her; many people fall consciously or not into the trap of parental alienation, and good for you to rise above your pain to try to keep the family together emotionally if not physically.

 

But you can't rush this. Your son may not be entitled to disrespect your wife, but he IS entitled to his anger. Give it time. Let him know every once in a while that his mom loves him.

 

And I'm very sorry for the loss of your daughter.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for your loss. No parent should have to go through that. Condolences to your whole family.

 

Your kids are old enough to decide what they want. You can encourage them to keep the lines of communication open with their mom, that she loves them very much, but right now she has many issues going on and maybe can't face life right now. In time, they will reach out to her and/or she will reach out to them.

[2.50 a gallon]

Umh, 15 minutes. I am divorcing your dad, and moving across the state. "Come up and see me some time"

The way I read it, she no longer has any interest in any of her family. I am done being you mother.

Don't be surprised if they cut her off for good.

[aliveagain]

The death of your child may be a big part of the cause of your runaway wife and mother. Something similar happened to my cousin when their daughter died, their marriage fell apart and they ended up divorcing. You can make the suggestion that your children stay in contact with their mother, the decision to do so is still theirs, but seriously, what kind of mother abandons her children and than has no contact with them? You need to contact her family and ask them to get her professional help, something is not right in the way she is thinking right now.

[mammasita]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

Somehow I feel like there's more to the story BUT I don't blame them for not wanting to speak to their mother. Sounds like she pretty much abandoned them.

[IYamWhatIYam]

Thanks for your responses, folks.

 

Yes, there’s more to the story, but I can’t provide any more detail here. Suffice it to say that there was no abuse or affairs, but plenty of arguing and animosity that developed and grew after our daughter died, and I’ll take my share of credit for that. Losing a child does rip you at your very core, and this is a long-term result of that.

[amaysngrace]

Did you all get grief counseling as a family and individually when you lost your child/sibling?

 

I'm sorry that your family suffered such a great loss. I've lived it and it totally changed everyone in my family, especially my mom.

[No Limit]

Stop pushing them. My family's situation is very different from yours, but one part - your ex abandoned you and her children; my father abandoned me and my mother.

 

Being in the child role I can tell you that this felt as a betrayal and I've resented my father for this, just like your kids resent their mother. Luckily in my case my mother didn't care and didn't push me, and those few attempts of my father to establish contact I rejected myself.

 

Stop pressing your children to do anything, at best they'll become annoyed or even resent you for it. You might want them to like their mother, but in the end they're human beings and if they don't like it, you can't make them.

[pteromom]

No, I would contact your wife and tell her what is going on with your son, and let her fix her own relationship with him. She is the one who damaged the relationship, and it is her responsibility to fix it.

[Keenly]

Don't try to force some one to have a relationship with a parent they don't want. Your son is 21. He is old enough to make his own choices. If he decided that since mom is going to abandon him physically, then he will abandon her in spirit, that's his decision to make.

 

 

If my mother told me she was " never coming back to the area " after she just told me she was leaving her family, I'd tell her to find new children to attend her funeral.

 

 

I can't even believe that she said that.

[jakrbbt]

I agree with previous posters. What your son needs from you is that his anger is respected, he is entitled to his grief, and he is safe in expressing his intentions to you. I know you fear that his intentions-- cutting off his relationship with mom-- will harm him. But that is not necessarily true, especially as you don't know whether he'll decide to reconcile later. More importantly, YOU can't "abandon" him right now by telling him to accept her actions. I know I know, that is not what you intend by encouraging him to reconcile. But that is how it would probably feel to him. I also think that telling him that she is a horrible betrayer would hurt him too. Just keep letting him know that she loves him, and that you totally understand and respect his anger. Good luck, how painful for you.

[Chi townD]

Your heart is in the right place. But, your son is a grown man and can make decisions for himself. If he wants to revisit a relationship with his mother, he'll do it on his own time and when he's ready to do so.

 

 

But, on the flipside. The door swings both ways in situations like this. Your wife could pick up the phone and call him.

 

 

Take charge of the ONLY thing you have any control over and that's you! They had one of their parents abandon them. You are (as of right now) the only parent they've got. You need to focus on being the best parent to those kids. Because, even though they're grown, you'll always need a parent to give you advice and support. Be that guy!

[Gunny376]

en

The death of your child may be a big part of the cause of your runaway wife and mother. Something similar happened to my cousin when their daughter died, their marriage fell apart and they ended up divorcing. You can make the suggestion that your children stay in contact with their mother, the decision to do so is still theirs, but seriously, what kind of mother abandons her children and than has no contact with them? You need to contact her family and ask them to get her professional help, something is not right in the way she is thinking right now.

 

 

I would suggest your X is caught up in "Chronic Grief" and can be a very, very, very long life limiting ~ deliberating ~ handicapping thing! The divorced rate for a couple that loses a child is +/- 90%. Along with whatever other issues you and she may have had over the course of the marriage, and that she may have as an individual (any and all couples and individual have them) is and has been aggravated by the death of your DD.

 

 

She's "checked out" out of previous reality, and has begun "caving" in order to re-order her perspective of reality, and thus has gone back to the only reality that she is comfortable in ~ aka "Home" where things at least once made sense. She's gone back to her home base, much as Scarlett O'Hara wanted to and did go back to "Terra" in Gone With The Wind, when her "World" that she once knew had fallen apart and was "Gone With The Wind" the life that she once had.

 

 

Ideally, what needs to transpire, (and it may take some shopping around to find the right one(s) is for you, her, and your DD & DS to get into individual and group counseling ~ and meet with others on a protracted basis that have undergone the same kind of loss that you have.

 

 

The lost of your DD is the "igniter" that caused the manifestations of any and all other problems in the marriage ~family dynamic. Ill regardless, as to whether you can get the X involved in such is while ideal, is immaterial to what you need to do with the DS and DD, in order to deconstruct and reconstruct a new life without the departed DD? And thus I would recommend that at the very least the three of you seek out the professional assistance of a grief counselor ~ and any other such professional to address the aggregate of each individual and the family dynamic and the on suing interaction of such.

 

 

Look at it from this perspective, the departed daughter was like an appendage of the body of the family ~ with her death ~ its like a right arm has been ripped off ~ sending mental, emotional, psychological and physical trauma and shock throughout the entire body of the family and individual dynamic.

 

 

Chronic Grief can be long lasting ~ even for the rest of one's life unless it is addressed. And it can be devastating to the other members of the family. Parental Alienation can occur at the hands of a disgruntled former spouse, but more off than not its the result of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and a disconnect between the perception of one's reality of events to that of another.

[Mr. Lucky]

Take charge of the ONLY thing you have any control over and that's you! They had one of their parents abandon them. You are (as of right now) the only parent they've got. You need to focus on being the best parent to those kids. Because, even though they're grown, you'll always need a parent to give you advice and support. Be that guy!

I think this is harsh. Mom is obviously going through some things and is looking for a situation that works for her. All involved are of majority age and can make their own choices. You're not "abandoning" a 21-year old by moving 3-hours away, he's an adult that can call or visit any time he wants...

 

Mr. Lucky