20 year monogamy- feeling attracted to other men, mixed feelings

August 27, 2014

Has anyone had the feeling of 'missing out' after being in a long term relationship?

My husband and I have been together for 22 years and married for 17. He was my first "real" boyfriend, and we met when he was 19 and I was 21. We were both inexperienced sexually because we both shared Christian morals about waiting for the right person. I was very much attracted to him in the earlier years of our marriage.

Ever since my 40th birthday, so for the last few years, I've felt terrible pinges of guilt because I feel very attracted to other men. It's gotten so I've been afraid to go out in public because I feel lust thoughts about all the attractive men I see around. I am recovering from a very guilty and painful crush on a guy online (who I never met and crushed on secretly. He didn't even know me, so no emotional affair. He was a salesman and I was an online customer.) When I was younger, in my 20's, my heart was for my husband only. Now I feel waning attraction for the very shallow reason that I have now developed a certain 'type' of man I'm attracted to. (specific looks and personality).

When I met my husband, I had a wider attraction to many types. If a guy liked being with me, and was reasonably nice looking, I liked him back. Simple as that! My husband doesn't exactly fit the type I have in mind as my dream man now. I never used to mind, but when I see men who fit the type, (like the online crush) I burn with longing for them and feel dissatisfied with my marriage and our sex life. Yes, our sex life has been pretty vanilla lately. He's busy and overworked and tired, and I'm dealing with teenage children and a young child, part time job, so if we have sex twice a week it's a good week. Over our entire marriage I've often felt like half the time it's obligated sex. He would want it every day if he had the chance. What's worse is that sometimes I fantasize about these other men.

Is it a case of grass is greener syndrome? How can I get my desire back for him?

August 27, 2014

In your previous thread, I suggested that you begin counseling. Have you done so? I still think that's the best first step towards getting a handle on things.

I don't know what to tell you about regaining the attraction for your husband. I hate to say it, but over the years I'm coming to the conclusion that once it's gone, it's probably gone for good.

August 27, 2014

Has anyone had the feeling of 'missing out' after being in a long term relationship?

Though I dated a fair amount, I was a virgin until 35 and never, in subsequent LTR's nor my M, felt I was 'missing out'. Each relationship, for as long as it lasted, was important. Hence, I didn't have a 'fallback' option when those R's/M ended and generally didn't date for a goodly period after and not at all since getting divorced about four years ago.

That said, it is in human nature to want what one doesn't have, and sexual variety can be a part of that. It depends on the particular person.

In your case, you're apparently lusting after 'hot' men. Sounds normal. People like beautiful people, especially when they don't know them well. It's easy to like beautiful things. However, is it worth throwing away your marriage? Since you mention an 'online crush', it sounds like you've started the snowball rolling. Up to you where it rolls.

IMO, if you find M to be an onerous obligation, let it go and experiment with the greener grass of singledom. People do it all the time. I recall getting distracted, not by greener grass but rather by an old MW, and messed up what would otherwise have been, at worst, a M that could have ended amicably *and* without violation of marital trust. Having gone through that process, my advice is to resolve within yourself to stay, completely, or go, completely, and then act on that decision assertively. At the end of the day, IMO, you'll be glad you did. Good luck!

August 27, 2014

If you have lost attraction for your husband, then it's a potential problem to be attracted to other men. If not, then it's normal and common to feel occasional attraction or a minor, passing "crush" for someone.

So, the real question is, what do you want to do (aside from social pressures and moralizing)? Is your marriage good enough to be worth working on and continuing, or not? Maybe these feelings are a sign that it's not?

August 27, 2014

I haven't read your previous thread(s) so I'm just going to answer on the basis of this thread alone;

I think it's normal to be attracted to other people and even lust after them at times. As a woman, you're in your sexual prime right now and if you're not sexually satisfied or feeling unfulfilled in your marriage and/or undesired by your partner that CAN and WILL fuel you fantasizing about and lusting after men other than your husband.

You need to get straight with yourself about what it is YOU want from your marriage, your husband and your life. That may take some time and even counselling to get to the heart of your unhappiness. Perhaps you're just a slump at the moment but then again it could be a sign of things to come. I don't know but it's something you need to seriously think about.

The only other advice I have is to tread carefully! You're very vulnerable right now and maybe even going through your own mid-life crisis which means the slightest misstep may end up being a life changing event good or bad. If you're not prepared for the repercussions of your actions then you need to steer clear of temptations and DO THE WORK to figure out what it is you need and want.

Good luck.

August 27, 2014

Okay so I'm really confused, explain how you had an online crush to a guy you never met and who did not know you? Also, why would the fact he doesn't know you mean there is no emotional affair? If you were having feelings for him then..that is an emotional affair. People do not get "painful crushes" over people they merely find attractive, especially if they have never even met them. You never met so that would mean you probably didn't even know what he looked like so..where did the crush come from? Salesman do not normally send photos to clients so..if you did know what he looked like then..there is obviously more there you are not saying.

So honestly..I find your entire post dubious. You try to come across as someone who really hasn't done anything wrong yet, but you tried to gloss over a really really crucial detail.

To be honest? I'd of dropped you for your little online crush thing. Sorry, if I'm married and my wife gets a "painful crush" on a dude online she has never even met, and then tries to shrug it off as not a big deal because he did not know her well? Yeah, she'd be booted to the curb. You are a grown woman so these "painful crushes" just don't happen accidentally.

So to the OP, maybe you are just bored..or I don't know, but you are treading dangerous water and frankly..yeah, I think you have already cheated emotionally. It just doesn't make sense for you talk about a "painful" crush on an online salesman. So I am finding all manner of red flags in your post. I feel bad for your husband. Let me give you some advice though: the secret to happiness is not banging a bunch of different dudes. It really isn't. You seem to feel you "missed out" well, that is unfortunate and I'd feel like utter crap to see my wife talk that way if I was your husband.

I would of been willing to chalk this up to a mid life crisis and say there is no harm in finding other men attractive and it doesn't mean you are betraying your husband..but then you started talking about painful online crushes and stuff and yeah..red flags a plenty there.

Edited August 27, 2014 by Spectre

August 27, 2014

To answer your questions- I did go to one first counseling appointment two weeks ago. I talked about my depression that comes and goes, she prescribed generic Prozac on top of Welbutrin, etc. The farthest I got was telling her that I felt unfulfilled with life in general, that my dreams had gone short and I was bored. I told her I filled the boredom with reading, story writing, blogging, Internet, etc.

I was hesitant to say 'I don't always feel passion for my husband as much' because deep down I want to sort my feelings about this out myself, get the spark back before I say anything that would hurt my husband. Divorce is not an option, it would destroy our kids. I sometimes tell him ways he could improve his behavior and habits (moodiness and criticism for one) so I can feel like he's a lover and fun to be with, not a drill sergeant bossing me and the kids around. He tries but then goes back to his moodiness and irritability. He is a veteran of Iraq and may have a touch of PTSD which he's going to counseling for himself. I go to a separate lady counselor for my own different issues.

The online crush is VERY weird and random and hard to explain. I can't understand it and it really DID happen by 'accident.' It was Facebook. I saw one photo of this man (the like page of his workplace had his profile link on it) and was smitten. NEVER in my life have I had intense attraction to a man because of just his picture. I wouldn't have believed it was possible until it happened to me!

I made the mistake of clicking on his profile, thinking 'gee this sales guy I corresponded with sure was nice and friendly over email, wonder what he's like?' I was reading it for about five minutes, and saw he was married. It was the jealousy and guilt that was painful. Guilt because of the intense crush on a married man a few hundred miles away who I never met, and never will. The man's FB profile ticked all the boxes of my "dream man' and set off the crush. I felt so jealous of his wife, and started fantasizing about 'what if I had met him before her.' I feel utterly insane about this and always thought I was normal and rational. I wish I never read his profile. The guy isn't even aware some chick, many miles away, had been lovesick over him. I say 'had been' because I banned myself from looking him up. I haven't for a long time and it's slowly fading.

Many times, I DO still feel attraction and passion for my husband. One day he was scuba diving and came onshore in his diving gear, a short wetsuit, and I thought he looked very manly, athletic and cute! Or when we are seeing a movie and we laugh together, he has his old sense of humor back. I feel guilty that I get turned off when he's in his dark and angry moods. Those times are when I withdraw from him, he's cold and prickly and it doesn't help to even say a word. I'm hoping more sessions of counseling (it's each of us individually for now) will help. I do not want to tell him about the crush-on-another-man issue. I just want it to fade, and my inner thoughts to be cleansed. I'm a Christian so I pray about it many times.

August 27, 2014

Counselor's can't help you if you don't state what the problem is.

August 28, 2014

The question to ask and answer for yourself is whether finding that piece (pick the percentage) of your life is worth losing all of your husband, all of your self-respect and fifty percent of your children. The grass may very well be greener and there are lots of responses about how that could be your fault, but the reality is that it's not your grass.

If you can lie to the therapist about the issue then you're also lying to yourself. Fantisize if you must but don't hurt those who love you and you're supposed to love.

Twosadthings

August 28, 2014

I met my ex-husband at 17 and was married to him at 20.

Pretty much all our married life I wondered how it would be with other men. It came and went depending the phases our marriage was going through.

After 15 years of marriage we divorced. I started dating and was SO nervous about being intimate with someone else. It was a huge deal to me.

Finally I met a man and was intimate. I will always remember how I felt after. I felt 'that's it ??'. That is all it was about ! The big mystery of being with other men than my husband was over, and it was quite nothing special.

August 29, 2014

I met my ex-husband at 17 and was married to him at 20.

Pretty much all our married life I wondered how it would be with other men. It came and went depending the phases our marriage was going through.

After 15 years of marriage we divorced. I started dating and was SO nervous about being intimate with someone else. It was a huge deal to me.

Finally I met a man and was intimate. I will always remember how I felt after. I felt 'that's it ??'. That is all it was about ! The big mystery of being with other men than my husband was over, and it was quite nothing special.

Exactly, it is as if people these days think there is some sort of secret to love out there in the world and they can only find this out by riding a bunch a random dudes.

Truth is: if you are starting to wonder about sex with other people, you just need to spice up your sex life..as opposed to going and cheating or otherwise feeling you have been denied because you haven't screwed a bunch of people. There is no secret wisdom one gets from this, otherwise hookers would be the smartest people in the world.

Note: I am a guy so my post is from a male perspective, I'm not saying we all aren't guilty of this. I know plenty of guys who think if they nail a bunch of random women it somehow makes them "studs" or something, but nope they are wrong. I just don't want it to come off like I'm saying only one gender does this because it isn't true.

Edited August 29, 2014 by Spectre

September 2, 2014

OP, first off, thank you for your honesty. It isn't easy to be honest when you already feel terrible for having these thoughts and feelings. In my opinion you haven't done anything terribly wrong yet but I think you know that you are very vulnerable to that right now which is precisely why you reached out. Having bad thoughts in and of itself isn't bad, we all do it and anyone who denies it is lying. It is what you do with those thoughts that becomes wrong. Do I think you have started to create fantasy worlds with these other men including the one salesmen, yes I do. I do not believe that you have emotionally cheated but I think you are primed for it. You have shown by creating these fantasies (and yes that is all they are for now) you are capable of doing things you probably never thought, such as cheating. You are just one step away or one willing participant away from an affair. This should scare you. This isn't your husband's fault, it is yours. Own it and take steps to defeat it. Your husband has his faults as do all men and I'm sure he has a laundry load of things that he could do to make your marriage better. I was always told, if you want the perfect mate, be the perfect mate. Are you taking steps to be the best wife you can be for him? Your attraction for him has changed based on the way he makes you feel and the way you perceive him. It's about all the little things. I bet if he started treating you the way he did when you guys first started dating that you would suddenly find your attraction. Physical attraction is directly affected by emotional connection. Someone who you think has it all together, successful, and secure will naturally be more attractive to you than a deadbeat. I would assume that is why the salesman caught you off guard. He probably had the right job, kids, social status. In other words, he has it together. So you think.

You see, in my opinion, love is a verb. It is an action word and if you are a christian and believe in the bible you should believe that as well. Love requires action. We don't simply fall in and out of love, yet we make a conscious decision each day to love that person or not. I finally ended my relationship of 16 years where we were married for 13 almost 2 years ago. My wife had no interest in working on our marriage. I was unhappy and she was too, but as for counseling or ever reading a book together she would have no part of it. I gave it my all for the last 2 years so that if I left I knew I gave it everything I could. I can say now that I left with no regrets. My ex is still as miserable a person as ever and many people see it. You owe it to yourself and your husband and kids to give it all you've got. I believe love can be turned around and I've personally seen marriages revived and people "fall back into love" as they like to call it simply by paying attention to one anothers needs. You have to let your husband know how you are feeling. You don't have to hurt him with phrases like "painful crush" that will only serve to crush him. He does deserve at least a chance to love you the way you deserve and the way you want him to. I am a huge fan of being blunt, in a loving way. He may be defensive at first, most of us would be. No one likes to be told they aren't doing things the right way. Most will come around though and realize that you are telling him this because you love him and want to make it work with him. He will love you more for not taking the easy way out and sampling the "greener" grass. Hope this helps OP.

September 2, 2014

I hope you stay in counseling and ask your therapist if you should try to talk to your husband about what you just described in your post. If you do not do this you are starting down a very slippery slope towards an affair and doing some things that are going to change your life and marriage forever. And it is easy for a woman looking for an affair to find one.

You will most likely eventually get caught. And if you do some reading you will find that the percentages of men who successfully R with their wives after being cheated on is much lower than the other way around. There are reasons for that but dig up the statistics and you will see what you are about to get yourself in to. And believe me your children will be effected.

If you love your husband at east give him the opportunity to respond to your discontent and help you repair your relationship. And whatever you do do not discuss this with your girlfriends. Depending on their attitudes, you may actually get encouragement to act on your impulses. Of course they get the thrill but you will live with the consequences.

September 3, 2014

My husband and I have been together for 22 years and married for 17. He was my first "real" boyfriend, and we met when he was 19 and I was 21. We were both inexperienced sexually because we both shared Christian morals about waiting for the right person. I was very much attracted to him in the earlier years of our marriage.

Ever since my 40th birthday, so for the last few years, I've felt terrible pinges of guilt because I feel very attracted to other men. It's gotten so I've been afraid to go out in public because I feel lust thoughts about all the attractive men I see around. I am recovering from a very guilty and painful crush on a guy online (who I never met and crushed on secretly. He didn't even know me, so no emotional affair. He was a salesman and I was an online customer.) When I was younger, in my 20's, my heart was for my husband only. Now I feel waning attraction for the very shallow reason that I have now developed a certain 'type' of man I'm attracted to. (specific looks and personality).

PLEASE, take a look at a book called "Women's Infidelity" by Michelle Langley.

If you take some time doing a Google search you'll be able to find an online PDF of the book.

You may agree with book's content or not. But its subject is exactly the sort of thing you're going through right now: (happily married woman who, gradually, starts to loose the attraction for the husband an begins to feel attracted for other man, without even understanding why).

At least, Please, do a Google search concerning the book. You'll then see that what you're going through has been the subject of certain analysis. Try it.

September 4, 2014

I do hope you wake up before it is too late.

Your H is probably a much better man than the ones that you drool over.

They have to work also, but you do not see them with the bills etc.

wake up and be happy with what you have and make it better.

good luck.

September 4, 2014

And get off those anti depressants, that is the worlds cure for everything these days...medicate you to death. You made the decision to marry your husband now stick to the marriage. Too many people quitting on marriages these days because they get bored or find other men/women more attractive. You say your a Christian so go to God for your answers not doctors or therapists. Here's a few to start with:

Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Psalm 34:17

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

1 Peter 5:6-7

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

September 4, 2014

OP, what does your fantasy man look like. How is his looks different than your husband?

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20 year monogamy- feeling attracted to other men, mixed feelings

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