A female friend that "friend zoned" me comes back.

[Biscous]

I get a text from a friend of mine that turned down my advances to her in May. We went on a trip together to another city a few hours away for a fitness expo, something we are both interested in.

 

I've known her for two years and I've been her first friend since moving here. I was always very physically and mentally attracted to her, but she was married. I had to keep my distance at one point because I knew she was someone I could never have.

 

So time passed and she later tells me that she is getting a divorce and she wanted me to go on this trip. A hotel room by myself with her.

 

Long story short I make an advance and she turns me down.

 

It got awkward driving back with her. I told her that she gave MANY physical and verbal cues to me. I wasn't upset but I felt I shouldn't have had to tell this to an adult on how to behave. I have not been the only man who made these comments, but I was her closest friend.

 

She apologized and I'm not mad but I don't think she understands where I'm coming from.

 

I don't have much animosity towards her, but I'm not certain if I can just be "friends" with her considering that I'm sexually attracted to her and I CANNOT control it. It also ties me up emotionally when I should focus on meeting other women.

 

Any thoughts on what I should do?

[d0nnivain]

She she reached out ask her what type of interaction she's envisioning with you now. She may want a romance. She may also miss her friend, in which case you should steer clear since it would pain you.

[I am Bud]

Dear Biscous

 

Might it not have been a bit too early to make such advances being that she may be in a bit of a fragile state from the divorce? Divorces are one of the most traumatizing experiences that a person can encounter in theif lifetime and it is not easy to forget a spouse whom you lived with or known for so long.

 

It might have looked like that she wanted something more than just friendship but was probably not wanting to go all the way just yet because she has a lot on her mind. She might have wanted to explore the posibility of friendship first and to reconnect slowly.

 

At this point in time she probably needs a friend more than a boyfriend and it is understandable if you are unable to fulfill that role. However you may loose her if you cut of all ties completely because she will only think of you as the guy who got butt hurt because he didnt' have the patience to wait and be supportive.

 

d0nnivain's idea of asking her how she envisioned your relationship to be sounds like an excellent idea. Get as much information that you are able to on where you stand with her and then make a decision after that fact.

 

Good luck with it - Bud.

[todreaminblue]

since she reached out to you, i would suggest that you dont give up so easily......maybe she wasnt ready then to take it to the next level .....but down the track maybe...if you can be patient do so ...if you cant be patient and dont think she is worth the wait...move on....i wish you well...deb

[Biscous]

I'm not burr hurt but I'm a straight male attracted to a woman that I adore in one things than one. I could tell she was losing interest in her husband and I thought it was weird she wanted to be around me so often. People thought we were an item.

 

I just feel I would resent her for her making me "second best" when she dated other men. As for the healing process, honestly she initiated the divorce and she was talking to men while on our trip.

[d0nnivain]

If it turns out she does envision a romantic relationship now why would you think you were second best?

 

She was married when you started but she divorced him. The men she was with while that was pending had less integrity than you do because her marital status didn't dissuade them. If she does want a romance with you now, that indicates to me that she has done as you asked -- untangled herself from others to date you, meaning she chose you.

 

If she hasn't done that or is only interested in friendship, keep your distance.

[Biscous]

Second best as her me being her friend and her dating around. She has expressed the idea I'd dating other me since the divorce talks. She's already mourned the relationship.

[Biscous]

Well I responded a week later. Had to keep it real.

 

"Look - you've been one of the closest people to me in my life. I'd love nothing better than to talk to you on a regular basis and see you. The thing is that you embody a lot of qualities in a woman that I desire and it pains me so much that I cannot have you how I want. I simply cannot control my attraction towards you and in order to not harbor any sort of resentment towards you and protect myself I distance myself from you. I hope you understand my position."

 

That will at least let her know that if she comes to me with other intentions I will ignore it and not entertain it.

 

Really, like someone said, she is my kryptonite. She also has made other women involved with me jealous. Why put up with that? I'm just shooting myself in the foot.

 

Well, life has been easier with her not in my life.

[Natsu21]

Second best as her me being her friend and her dating around. She has expressed the idea I'd dating other me since the divorce talks. She's already mourned the relationship.

 

So you were the emotional crutch?

 

I'm sorry, man.

[Biscous]

So you were the emotional crutch?

 

I'm sorry, man.

 

I was the man always around her when her husband was on third shift, yet I respected her marriage and we briefly had a talk.

 

During the incident that occurred in May, she acted as though my attraction towards her was a surprise to her, which really frustrated me. There were incidents that lead me to believe otherwise.

 

She also mentioned that a comment I made to another man implied that we, by her terms, were "f*cking", so I know the idea of us having sex has crossed her mind.

 

Small things I noticed she did implied something was there if she was single. The opportunity comes and she does that, so yeah it's frustrating and that is why I don't have much of a capacity to keep her around as a friend.

[BeholdtheMan]

I was the man always around her when her husband was on third shift, yet I respected her marriage and we briefly had a talk.

 

So you were the emotional crutch...

 

During the incident that occurred in May, she acted as though my attraction towards her was a surprise to her, which really frustrated me.

 

She acts surprised because she doesn't want to have sex with you. She doesn't want to encourage your attraction.

 

I respect you for not clinging to her. Cut contact and see if she tries to reach out to you. If she doesn't or if it's obvious she only wants you back as a crutch, do yourself a favour and move on. Desperation is unbecoming

[preraph]

You sound like you did the right thing on that trip. I mean, WTF, you know? And I love that you confronted her about it rather than letting it fester. You did good. And I'm sure it didn't go unnoticed. It may have been too soon for her because of the breakup. You should go do something with her and as soon as you're relaxed wherever, the restaurant, just tell her you were surprised to hear from her again and ask her what she has in mind for the two of you. I mean, she can't pretend she doesn't know you're romantically interested, so you shouldn't feel bad about bailing if she should attempt to friendzone you now. I suspect she just may be in a better place now and not as confused, but you should ask her. She will admire your forthrightness.

[Polak]

I love people like you, OP, who are very mentally grounded and able to clearly express to others where you stand. Many guys that have similar problems to yours always seem to screw it up one way or another. So props for taking the initiative! I think distancing yourself from her is the best way to go.