online dating woes: why would they block me after reading these e-mails?

[Eddy Street]

Girl 1 says she is over the bar scene and mentions some other stuff which I say I find interesting. Here's my message to her:

 

Hey Nikki,

 

I think it’s great that you’re over the bar scene. To be honest, I never really got into it in the first place. How can you get a good appraisal of each other if 1) it's a struggle to hear even your own voice and 2) you can barely see the person next to you due of poor lighting? It’s ridiculous. I enjoy going to bars with people I already know to do things like karaoke or watching the occasional game or improv/comedy show, but that's where it ends. Drinking yourself silly and hoping to attract your soul mate – what? I think the whole nightlife or night-scene is overrated. The latest I like staying out is about 11 PM. Past that time, it's just not fun anymore. My idea of a good date would be a trip to the museum, a quiet walk, a bike ride or just staying in and cooking/watching a good film.

 

There's actually a lot in your profile that I find intriguing, like for example that you're a full-time night-shift nurse. What does that entail? Do you work in the ER? It sounds like a lot! Also, I see that you enjoy sports. Did you ever/do you play any? What kind of dog do you have and what are some other things you enjoy in your spare time?

 

I hope you have a great week!

 

Signiture

 

Girl 2, I thoroughly read her profile and replied:

 

Kylie,

 

I think being patient should be a requirement for all people who work in education! I know so many teachers who lack those crucial qualities you mentioned, especially where they're most needed. What's your job like? What kind of stuff do you teach/tutor at the daycare? It sounds like a lot of fun. I used to work as a tutor for inner-city children and it was such a fun challenge! I now teach at a community college and I miss the constant laughter and the non-stop hilarity. Congratulations on your new position!

 

There's actually a lot that I find interesting in your profile. For example, I see that you also enjoy cooking! I think it's awesome that you can create your own recipes. It sounds really interesting to me because I sort of do the same thing, especially with seafood, although I also enjoy perfecting my own versions of established recipes. What sorts of flavors do you usually incorporate into your dishes? And junking? I've heard of that before and I enjoy antiques myself. I actually have a huge collection of vintage wheat pennies and place mates at home.

 

Anyway, I see you also enjoy exploring the city and the outskirts. What are some of your favorite bars/restaurants?

 

I hope you have a great week!

 

Signature

 

Girl 3 had a very concise profile, to the point about exploring the city being her favorite pastime. I wrote:

 

Hi,

 

I also enjoy exploring the city and love going to different bars/restaurants/neighborhoods. This past month (before the semester started, since I also teach) I frequented Louie's Pub with my friends to do karaoke, and not just the usual songs. I also love the iO for improv shows, but I think that's an acquired taste. Those are some of my favorite things in the world right now!!!

 

There seems to be a lot of teaches (as well as nurses) on this site. I guess it must be our busy schedules. What subject/grade do you teach?

 

Cheers,

 

Signiture

 

All 3 not only didn't reply, but they flat out blocked me right away. I know this because they were available for chat one moment and not the next. What's the deal? Do I come across as that creepy/desperate?

[preraph]

No. You're fine. And you may be the only guy out there actually reading the profiles instead of just writing to every pretty girl. That's online dating apparently. They've found out it's mostly about everyone trying to get their dream body/face person and the newest thing is they've just about scrapped it all now and the popular dating sites now rely solely on photos. It's sad.

 

 

Get in a bike riding meetup group and see if there are any volunteer opportunities at the museum.

[Eddy Street]

No. You're fine. And you may be the only guy out there actually reading the profiles instead of just writing to every pretty girl. That's online dating apparently. They've found out it's mostly about everyone trying to get their dream body/face person and the newest thing is they've just about scrapped it all now and the popular dating sites now rely solely on photos. It's sad.

 

Get in a bike riding meetup group and see if there are any volunteer opportunities at the museum.

 

Yeah, I guess. I'm not very photogenic. Maybe, since this is the kind of sh? I've been writing since mid July and have gotten a grand total of ZERO replies, I should just put up photos of some good looking guy to troll the hell out of that site. I've written to pretty much 80% of the women on that site, it just won't happen, not today and not a year from now. I payed 270 for it, I might as well have some fun, no?

Edited August 28, 2014 by Eddy Street

[ascendotum]

I think your 3rd reply was the best. Not because of its content but because it was the briefest. I once wrote out what I thought were well written interesting messages just like did, and they didn't work. It didn't take it seriously after a while and also from the experiences of my friends. What worked best for me in the end was short, snappy a bit of a smart-arse/ provocative messages that referenced an aspect of her profile. Even if was just a reference to a band or movie or sport she liked, and not anything substantial about who she is a s a person, that was all that was that seemed to be needed to get a read & reply. I'm really surprised you are getting blocked though with msgs such as those. Sheesh.

[mammasita]

I think your initial contact should be waaaay shorter.....still mention something in their profile to show you've read it and aren't a copy/paster but don't start writing "novels" until they show interest and reply otherwise you're completely wasting time and will feel frustrated as you already are.

 

If I read a guys profile and am interested, my message to him would be a very short one to two line attempt at being witty about something I had read because that's my style.

[sid3]

Do I come across as that creepy/desperate?

 

Honestly, yes you do.

[hellon]

Brevity is key. It's really nice that you've clearly bothered to read profiles, and make your initial contacts personal and detailed. I hate getting a generic "hey, what's up." BUT, women are bombarded with messages online, and really after the first couple of sentences, will tune out. I don't know about the blocking, but I think if you find a balance between being personal but brief, you might have more success. Like, get their attention with a couple of lines, but don't spill your guts.

[Eddy Street]

Honestly, yes you do.

 

How can these messages be made less creepy??? Sometimes I fell like I'm not human and unable to understand certain things due to my lack of social contact...

[Eddy Street]

Okay, brief smart alecky references to something in their profiles , I'll try it

[Hope Shimmers]

I think your replies were okay but you asked way too many questions. Just keep it brief for the first contact - one or maybe two questions max.

 

Also, since you brought up the looks thing - if you look like your avatar here, consider cutting your hair and I think that would help a lot from the physical perspective.

[Imported]

I don't know if that is what it takes for "OLD", but it just seems like you're trying too hard. You're putting too much in on women you don't know. It all sounds very complex and deep when you're better off keeping it simple and easy.

 

I know women say stuff like 'guys should read what they say and not just look at their picture..'. But I mean, what is there to know about them till you actually go out? Or at least have some personal communication with them that isn't some generic "love, laugh and people tell me they think I'm...(insert stupid **** here)....'

[Lani]

You're too.... formal.

 

Just be casual about it, a little flirty, little remarks on things they've mentioned but not a full paragraph.

Start it lighter than you are, don't put too much effort into the first message otherwise you'll be offended when they don't reply (hence thread).

 

Lighten up

[Rick_B]

Been online dating for 4 years and even my female friends call me the online dating King - really not sure that's a good thing - I'm not a player.

 

But I do get a very high response rate and a lot of women message me.

 

Why?

I'm not the most attractive man on the sites by far - but I do make it light hearted and funny. Most women are very wary of creeps - there are A LOT - of creepy guys out there. I would nearly say that a woman would prefer to go on a date with a funny so-so attractive guy than an intense hot guy. At least she knows she will have a good night out even if it doesn't lead anywhere.

 

On Tinder my only text is "why do so many women say they want a guy with a sense of humor - but as soon as I make a joke about her teeth I never hear from her again!?"

 

Some women have told me that that line was the reason they voted Yes to my profile. I guess it helps that I do stand up comedy.

 

Keep it short witty and not too many questions. If you were in a bar you wouldn't immediately launch into a monologue with a girl would you?

[sillyanswer]

All 3 not only didn't reply, but they flat out blocked me right away. I know this because they were available for chat one moment and not the next. What's the deal? Do I come across as that creepy/desperate?

 

Girl 1 didn't fancy you.

Girl 2 didn't fancy you.

Girl 3 didn't fancy you.

 

It's great that you read their profiles and wrote stuff that demonstrated this, but sometimes people still won't fancy you.

 

As for blocking, it'll be a "learned behaviour" because several other guys before you would have sent follow-up messages when they failed to respond to the first one... so you can blame other guys for this part.

[PegNosePete]

As for blocking, it'll be a "learned behaviour" because several other guys before you would have sent follow-up messages when they failed to respond to the first one... so you can blame other guys for this part.

Yes, this. And those follow-up messages are often not very nice. For example "fine ignore me you're ugly stick up biatch anyway" and much, much worse. I think the length and formality of your messages gave the impression that you're the kind of guy to take rejection (ignoring message is a form of rejection) badly. So blocking is a preemptive measure against angry follow-up messages.

 

A better message. For example: "I see you like skiing, have you managed to get away anywhere this year? I was in Italy, I rode my first black run. Pete" -- simple, quick, shows you read her profile, and very easy for her to reply to.

[sillyanswer]

A better message. For example: "I see you like skiing, have you managed to get away anywhere this year? I was in Italy, I rode my first black run. Pete" -- simple, quick, shows you read her profile, and very easy for her to reply to.

 

Yup. That's more the sort of thing I'd write. Short and to the point. It doesn't work for some people, but then I wouldn't expect it to. Some people probably do like long essays! Just not those three girls (or, they didn't like the pics).

[lollipopspot]

I should just put up photos of some good looking guy to troll the hell out of that site... I payed 270 for it, I might as well have some fun, no?

 

No. Don't waste peoples' time and make them even more cynical about finding love, even if you are cynical and irritated about this method.

 

You got some good ideas in this thread. Try those instead of punking people.

[d0nnivain]

With # 1 you came off as too preachy. I felt like I was reading the opening lines of your speech at the next temperance meeting.

 

With #3 you mentioned other women. Of course on OLD everybody knows yours / theirs isn't the only profile being read but you can't come out and say that for heaven's sake.

 

For all of them you asked too many Qs & the fact that you mentioned you read their profile smacks of trying too hard. Talking about their interests shows that you read the profile carefully. Bothering to say you read it is odd & foreshadows social awkwardness or at least . . . lack of self confidence is the wrong word . . .but it's a sense that you are not suave.

 

Be more pithy. Ask one or two Qs, not a dozen. Hint that you might like to go to a museum or cook with her.

 

I'll try to re-write the responses for you.

[guest569]

I agree with the comments advising to shorten the messages.. If I received those, whether or not I liked your photos and profile, I would feel a bit overwhelmed and maybe a little pressured. You've already had this huge long chat and I haven't had a chance to say hi yet.

[d0nnivain]

Better message to # 1

 

Hey N

 

It looks like being a nurse certainly keeps you on your toes. I'm sure you have tons of stories, but we're not here to talk about work, right?

 

While I agree with you that noisy crowded bars aren't the best place to meet new people they can be fun with the right group of people. I'd still rather do something where it's easier to interact, without having to shout, like go to a museum. Perhaps we could even meet someday to walk your dog. I love dogs; what breed is yours?

 

Eddy

[d0nnivain]

Better response to # 2

 

Congratulations on your new position! It seems we have education in common & I would enjoy talking to you more about it I used to work as a tutor for inner-city children and it was such a fun challenge! I now teach at a community college and I miss the constant laughter and the non-stop hilarity.

 

It also appears you are a foodie. Me too. Perhaps someday you'd care to share some secret family recipes with me. My favorite dish is [insert dish]. I make it with [insert ingredient]. I always have problems when I make [insert tough dish]. Do you have any suggestions that could help?

[d0nnivain]

For the 3rd one, just lose the 2nd paragraph. I'm not sure I'd mention the exact bar you hang out in because she may perceive it as you subconsciously hoping she'll show up & hang out there but it wasn't a bad response.

 

Sometimes people just flake on OLD. You have to expect that

[SycamoreCircle]

Okay, brief smart alecky references to something in their profiles , I'll try it

 

In the beginning, I would suggest tailoring your replies to match the length of the other person's replies. Tit for tat.

[Snakechammah]

I'm really sorry to hear about this experience. Horrible ungrateful girls! These are the kind of girls that give OLD and women in general a bad name.

 

Sometimes I wonder who these girls think they are? There is no excuse for being arrogant and rude. The wind can change direction at any time!

 

Even though your messages were a little preachy, they are articulate and thoughtful. If I had been the receipient of such messages, I would definitely respond immediately and even catered to the same length! A girl like me would certainly appreciate the guy taking the time and effort to write such detailed message, regardless of the attraction.

 

I am appalled to read that these girls not only didn't respond, but block you for NO APPARENT REASON. In this case, I really think it's the problem of these delusional self-entitlement girls and nothing to do with you. Take it in your stride and continue your merry way. You just dodged 3 worthless bullets.

 

Don't let these girls get you down. If they have no empathy and respect for another person, (you didn't do anything wrong, you just wrote an email, they can't even appreciate THAT?) they are not worth your time.

 

May you find a nice girl soon. All the best!

[PegNosePete]

I am appalled to read that these girls not only didn't respond, but block you for NO APPARENT REASON. In this case, I really think it's the problem of these delusional self-entitlement girls and nothing to do with you.

Read above for the most likely reason they blocked him. It's nothing to do with being delusional or self-entitled, it's to do with the bunch of jerks on the site that mail nasty torrents of insults when they don't get a positive reply.