Is she really sorry? Going NC for once and all

[Magnet]

Update: Day #18 of NC.

 

Things were going quite well but lately it's been a poor period for me. Just working through it and plowing through.

 

Feeling damn angry at times. At work she is acting like she doesn't give a sh*t. Whenever we cross paths in public areas she blanks me and I do the same. Kind of feel it's a game of who will blink first but I keep reminding myself it's not a game, it's reality.

 

On Monday she caught my eye as I went up by the stairs, I ignored it.

Today she sits on the same long table as me when we having lunch. I'm eating with my colleagues and focusing on what they are saying and it is just about tolerable without making eye contact and nobody seems to notice. But when she starts talking to one of my colleagues I have never been so grateful to finish my wrap and smoothly get up and leave with no questions raised.

 

Fuming. She probably doesn't give a **** or even if she is playing games trying to show she clearly feels comfortable enough to do that.

 

Thank god I didn't even give her ANYTHING. F*ck me.

[Magnet]

Hello Loveshack.

 

Day #25 of NC.

 

I thought I would drop in and let you guys know how I have been doing.

 

It has been a hard week, a week of revelation. Introspection, self-analysis, realisations. Why I think, act, feel and behave the way I do. What taking personal responsibility for my relationships REALLY means. I am not the centre of the universe so there's no need to take things personally- things DON'T revolve around me- BUT I am the centre of MY universe so I need to be responsible for MYSELF.

 

I've been keeping up with the running. Now running longer and longer. And contacted my doctor for some psychotherapy- he will make me a referral. I've been stalking the heck out of LS and gleaning nuggets of wisdom, making notes willy- nilly.

 

On the Ex front.... this week I reached the point where I just got tired of the sheer effort of pretending she wasn't there at work. So on Monday, I just went 'Sod it, I'm NOT looking away'.

I stared into the abyss and to my surprise I found her friendly smile looking back at me- compassionate enough. Just being friendly. That was it, nothing more, nothing less.

 

I admit I felt guilty for having ignored her like she was a piece of dirt. She is only human and she is just doing what is best for her.

 

But I also felt good, I felt a burden shift. I just feel like-

I'M DONE BEING AFRAID, I'M FED UP OF BEING FRIGHTENED. I'M WORN OUT OF PUTTING UP WALLS.

So if she smiles at me, I'll smile her back. It really costs me nothing and it makes me stronger inside. If she looks away then it's nothing to do with me. I am just sick of turning my face away every time I go up the stairs, like a frightened rabbit.

 

Today, in a company meeting, there's a special occasion, someone needs something for some cake and candles apparently, and- helping out- she finally speaks to me directly, and the first words she says to my face since that night I saw her at the airport (almost two full months ago)- is.........

 

"Have you got a lighter, please?"

 

Without dropping a beat, I said nonchalantly:

 

"Huh? No, I don't smoke."

 

Her face was a picture- jaw dropped slightly and she froze for a split second as if she wanted to say more before regathering her senses and asking other people. (I had smoked throughout our 2.5 year relationship).

 

Later that afternoon, she approaches me in the canteen downstairs and says "Hello, how are you?". I find the conversation surprisingly easy, keeping a guarded but friendly demeanour. I follow No Fooling and Cali Guy's golden advice- whenever trapped- give NO information about yourself.

 

I smile, say things are going really well, deflect her questions with vague answers, tell her that she looks really well and say 'Hey I gotta go. See you later '

 

Afterwards, I feel really good. I faced my fears. I showed some balls.

 

SHE DOESN'T AND WILL NOT DEFINE HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, it's not exactly NC anymore.

[Magnet]

Well, it's not exactly NC anymore.

 

So Simon, instead of a one-liner, perhaps you could impart some real advice from experience- as you seem a real experienced 'old-timer'- I've a question for you Simon:

 

Have you ever been in a position where you see your ex at least 3 times a day in very controlled, physically claustrophic, office environment, and you are the dumpee, and you're - or were- heartbroken, and you're constantly having to keep up an appearance of her not existing, if so, would you know just how draining that is?

How idiotic you feel for pretending she doesn't exist?

 

If you have, I wonder what was your way out of it?

Get another job like you suggested earlier in the thread? Is that something you actually did, Simon?

 

Simon, I might not be able to uphold a blanket NC including

*no eye contact*/

*jumping out of her way everytime she passes by*/

*putting my head in the sand like an ostrich if she talks to me*

 

so sadly, I don't fulfil the golden NC definition.

 

I hope you have felt what I felt today, liberating to be able to look and smile in return without saying anything, to be able to breathe and live and stop fearing, as your past crystallises in front of itself?

 

Fear of a thing increases its power.

[Simon Phoenix]

So Simon, instead of a one-liner, perhaps you could impart some real advice from experience- as you seem a real experienced 'old-timer'- I've a question for you Simon:

 

Have you ever been in a position where you see your ex at least 3 times a day in very controlled, physically claustrophic, office environment, and you are the dumpee, and you're - or were- heartbroken, and you're constantly having to keep up an appearance of her not existing, if so, would you know just how draining that is?

How idiotic you feel for pretending she doesn't exist?

 

If you have, I wonder what was your way out of it?

Get another job like you suggested earlier in the thread? Is that something you actually did, Simon?

 

Simon, I might not be able to uphold a blanket NC including

*no eye contact*/

*jumping out of her way everytime she passes by*/

*putting my head in the sand like an ostrich if she talks to me*

 

so sadly, I don't fulfil the golden NC definition.

 

I hope you have felt what I felt today, liberating to be able to look and smile in return without saying anything, to be able to breathe and live and stop fearing, as your past crystallises in front of itself?

 

Fear of a thing increases its power.

 

Actually yes I have. I worked with an ex who I had an extremely bitter breakup with several years ago. While we weren't in the same department, her desk was pretty close to mine and I'd have to walk by it coming in and out of my office every day.

 

Now when she first broke up with me I tried the small-talk, friendly approach because I wanted her back. Served as nothing but torture and was not successful (though we drunkenly slept together at one point), especially since she had some built-up resentment of me. Well, after about two months of this, she decided to try to get me in trouble at work for something that a) had nothing to do with her b) was outside of the office and c) wasn't even a violation in the first place. Of course, word of her betrayal got back to me. While I didn't get in trouble (boss knew the backstory of me and her and knew it was bs) I was understandably livid.

 

Therefore, I completely ignored her, stonewalled her, just acted like she wasn't there. I was thorough about it -- I didn't look in her direction, I didn't talk to her, I didn't e-mail her, I didn't acknowledge her existence at all. It got to the point where I didn't even have to try to do it. We didn't have to collaborate on work assignments or anything, but even if she had a question for me, and I for her, I wouldn't ask her or answer her. I would tell someone else in her department to relay the work message to her. Simply put, I was done and was going to have nothing to do with her due to her stabbing me in the back. I focused on my work, because that what you are supposed to do at work anyway.

 

This went on for three months or so. She tried all sorts of things to try to get my attention (going to the gym at the exact same time I did, bringing her "boyfriend" to the office, etc.) but I didn't care in the least. Finally, she quit. The day she quit she cornered me and tearfully apologized for hurting me and trying to get me in trouble. I told her "Ok, thanks, good luck" and that was it.

 

I didn't see her again until a year later when I ran into her randomly. By this time I had completely expunged all feelings, good and bad. She was happy to see me, we made small talk, had no effect on me. Several months later I ran into her again (she was hanging out with a mutual friend) and she was all over me and wanted to try again. I eventually decided no, and that was that.

 

Was my silent treatment mean? It could seem that way, but it was justified and did a lot more for my healing than talking to her. It had nothing to do with being afraid of her -- it had to do with getting my s--t straight (and me being justifiably angry with her). I certainly didn't feel f--king idiotic about it -- I'd feel idiotic for even considering myself an idiot for protecting my well-being and interests.

 

It was hell of a lot more liberating to concentrate on my job and what I'm supposed to do in the office then try to project some front. If I'm happy, I'm happy. If I'm pissed, I'm pissed. I don't see the value in trying to play a game and project a front. And yes, I was applying for other jobs and got another one a few months after I last saw that ex in a city 1,500 miles away.

Edited September 24, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[Magnet]

Was my silent treatment mean? It could seem that way, but it was justified and did a lot more for my healing than talking to her. It had nothing to do with being afraid of her -- it had to do with getting my s--t straight (and me being justifiably angry with her). I certainly didn't feel f--king idiotic about it -- I'd feel idiotic for even considering myself an idiot for protecting my well-being and interests.

 

It was hell of a lot more liberating to concentrate on my job and what I'm supposed to do in the office then try to project some front. If I'm happy, I'm happy. If I'm pissed, I'm pissed. I don't see the value in trying to play a game and project a front. And yes, I was applying for other jobs and got another one a few months after I last saw that ex in a city 1,500 miles away.

 

Thank you for sharing and it's much appreciated, Simon. If I'm honest I was like why even comment one line if you haven't been in my situation but you have so cheers for telling me about your experience. I certainly understand why you played your hand like you did. I think you played it well.

 

I did the small talk thing too and we ended up together for a 2nd time. Didn't work obviously.

Anyway I agree, it's a waste of energy to project a front. No point playing games. Work comes first.

 

I guess the main difference is I don't - or no longer feel- I have something to be mad about.... It wasn't a bitter break up- and to be honest- she hasn't done anything bad to me. That would be much easier- believe me I could use righteous anger 'white hot anger' to good effect- IF I had a good reason.

 

It's 100 x harder to stay angry when your ex actually was a decent person (without licking her arse too much) and you were the 'problem' partner with a bad temper unstable emotions etc etc....

To be fair, looking back, she was quite mature. She chose NOT me and I'm ok with that. It's nothing personal anymore.

 

It's like something inside has been released. I'm not scared and that chest-pressing feeling is gone. I guess I've begun to forgive myself. I accept responsibility for what I did wrong but at the same time I need to make my peace and that includes releasing the anger.

 

And that DOES include recognising her as a human being who exists....

But there are boundaries that I will keep, NC-like principles that are easy to follow.

 

I will not initiate any conversation or contact

If trapped, I will not reveal any information that I would not reveal to a stranger (and even less probably)

I will still keep my distance with subtle evasion tactics but essentially, I no longer feel the NEED to run a mile in the other direction

 

Do I want to text or email? What do I want to say? Erm....no.... I'm happy keeping my silence.

Do I want to chit chat happily? Not really. But I won't do an ostrich head ins and act anymore if she approaches me. Nothing to fear anymore.

 

She cannot make me feel inferior without my consent.

And I just felt, putting my head in the sand was doing less for my self esteem.

 

Do you read Harry Potter, Simon? 'You-Know-Who?', people were so scared

To call him Voldemort. But he was just Voldemort. Calling him by his name lessened fear of him.

In the same way, it felt this week, acknowledging her existence takes away her power over me.

 

Total NC, Simon? No.

 

However if NC could be placed on a spectrum- with most people being able to

Go total NC, I would certainly put myself on the 80-90 bar.

 

I can always dial it up if I feel the need to absolutely stonewall, she quits job or I get another job- then it WILL be 100% NC.

[Simon Phoenix]

No Harry Potter. And yes, the fact that my ex was sh--ty to me made it easy for me to adopt a scorched-earth policy like that. But I still think that you feeling more of a contact high right now than anything else and I don't really feel like your current approach is doing you many favors. I mean, you were here a month ago pining for her back -- I just feel like you are playing a game you aren't equipped to play right now. I feel you would do better with No Contact than with your current approach.

 

I mean, you can nod at her if you see her walking down the hall or you share a glance by her desk, but your current approach could embolden her to try to be your buddy. You aren't ready or willing to be her buddy. I'd stick with No Contact (or the closest thing you can do to that in an office setting) and continue to work on yourself. You're skipping steps, and I generally think that's a bad way to go about it.

 

And I gave you a one-line answer because you wrote about "Day 25 in NC" when you were anything but NC. There's no such thing as 80-90 NC -- either you are NC or you aren't.

 

In general, keep any conversation with her work-related and minimize contact besides that. I just think you are in the midst of a contact high more than anything right now.

[Magnet]

No Harry Potter. And yes, the fact that my ex was sh--ty to me made it easy for me to adopt a scorched-earth policy like that. But I still think that you feeling more of a contact high right now than anything else and I don't really feel like your current approach is doing you many favors. I mean, you were here a month ago pining for her back -- I just feel like you are playing a game you aren't equipped to play right now. I feel you would do better with No Contact than with your current approach.

 

I mean, you can nod at her if you see her walking down the hall or you share a glance by her desk, but your current approach could embolden her to try to be your buddy. You aren't ready or willing to be her buddy. I'd stick with No Contact (or the closest thing you can do to that in an office setting) and continue to work on yourself. You're skipping steps, and I generally think that's a bad way to go about it.

 

And I gave you a one-line answer because you wrote about "Day 25 in NC" when you were anything but NC. There's no such thing as 80-90 NC -- either you are NC or you aren't.

 

In general, keep any conversation with her work-related and minimize contact besides that. I just think you are in the midst of a contact high more than anything right now.

 

 

Simon, you know what? Things have a funny thing of working out.....

Today I got three texts from her.

 

FIRST TEXT: 'Hi- just wanted to let you know before it got back to you from someone else. I've started seeing this guy- enter name-'

 

SECOND TEXT: 'I didn't do it intentionally to hurt you and it wasn't going on while we were together. Just thought you had the right to know.'

 

THIRD TEXT: 'Hope you're good. Take Care.'

 

I've blocked her number now and deleted it. She cannot ever message me again.

I have to say I am both gobsmacked and deep down, not surprised.

 

Repressed memories resurfacing: I now recall having arguments with her about the amount of time she was texting this guy and being overly friendly. She actually gave me a hard time claiming I was being insecure and told me that I was going overboard and she in no way found this guy attractive.

 

F*cking hell.... looking back I really believed her. Lesson learnt about self-esteem and boundaries.

 

Sucks to say but she was probably cheating- at the very least emotionally cheating. Who knows. Anyway that proves my instincts right, I should have stuck to my guns and ditched her earlier this year. Lesson learnt.

 

And what Mighty CPA said on some other thread is true- she had already clocked this guy. It WAS a load of tosh about her wanting to be herself for a while.

 

Not even two months from having broken up with me. This means she will have been into back-to-back relationships for at least five years in a row.

 

So erm...... Simon..... My perception of the situation has changed. This calls for a changed attitude.

 

Scorched earth it is. She is dead to me.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Magnet

[Simon Phoenix]

Sucks man. But if it gets you back on the No Contact train and on the route to healing instead of your strange recent detour, it might be a net positive in the long run.

[Magnet]

Too right. I am now well back on the No Contact train, first class seats, a ticket out of Splitsville into SingleLand.

 

2.5 years, 1 year of living together, 3 holidays together, 4 months living aboard together and 1 month travelling together, talking about getting married and having children--->

kapuuuutttttttttttttttt and she is jumping in someone else's bed barely 2 months after.

 

I said earlier on the thread that I had a hidden fear that I didn't know who she really was. That has now proved to be correct. I never really knew her.

 

Looks like I dodged a bullet and got a big cold smack in the face. Time to focus on myself and find out who I am.

I will be a Phoenix reborn from this mess. Sorry to gazump your username Simon

 

Will update in a week or so's time. Until then guys x

[SoThatHappened]

This means she will have been into back-to-back relationships for at least five years in a row.

Has she been single for any period of time between the back-to-back relationships?

[No Limit]

Just to repeat it--

 

 

Stick to your guns.

[Magnet]

Has she been single for any period of time between the back-to-back relationships?

 

She was in a 1.5 year relationship before me, with 0.5 years of still being in touch with her ex by the time she met me. You could say this period was her 'single period'.

Then 2.5 years with me. Then 2 months later seeing a new guy.

 

Just thinking about that night when I first got with her- she actually texted her ex to come and pick her up and give her a lift home- from around the block from my flat. She lied to him telling I was just a gay friend.

 

Back then (Dec 2011) I didn't really think much of it. I wasn't thinking it would be a relationship at that stage and I just wanted to see where it would go but I suppose that was a HELLUVA *red flag*

Another red flag I suppose was her moaning to

others about her ex that night I pulled her at the work Christmas party.

[No Limit]

Well, with that kind of start, she at least gave you a good red flag prior to pretending to be the nicest girl ever. Lesson learned.

[Chi townD]

Ah! So, she waited until you were "friend zoned" to tell you about the new guy. And, apparently, how you wrote it, it sounds like you know the dude.

 

 

She thought you two were now cool enough to spring this crap on ya, huh.

 

 

Dude, go back to NC and stay there. After those texts, I take it that you didn't respond. Expect her to approach you about this. She thinks you two are on good terms enough for her to do that.

 

 

You talked about it before, but now I think is a good time for you to start looking for a new job. Doesn't hurt to look!

[johnson_j]

Ah! So, she waited until you were "friend zoned" to tell you about the new guy. And, apparently, how you wrote it, it sounds like you know the dude.

 

 

She thought you two were now cool enough to spring this crap on ya, huh.

 

 

Dude, go back to NC and stay there. After those texts, I take it that you didn't respond. Expect her to approach you about this. She thinks you two are on good terms enough for her to do that.

 

 

You talked about it before, but now I think is a good time for you to start looking for a new job. Doesn't hurt to look!

 

 

Darn skippy - She's not doing it because she thinks they're friends. She's just a bitch who wants to get the last word in - a "ha ha you were right all along and I'll deny it to the end" type of game.

 

 

Ten bucks and a couple Goose Island oktoberfests says this new R flames out faster than the Cubs post-season hopes every April.

 

 

Aargh - this girl doesn't deserve another MILLISECOND of your time Magnet. Don't even think about her.

[Magnet]

Ah! So, she waited until you were "friend zoned" to tell you about the new guy. And, apparently, how you wrote it, it sounds like you know the dude.

 

 

She thought you two were now cool enough to spring this crap on ya, huh.

 

 

Dude, go back to NC and stay there. After those texts, I take it that you didn't respond. Expect her to approach you about this. She thinks you two are on good terms enough for her to do that.

 

 

You talked about it before, but now I think is a good time for you to start looking for a new job. Doesn't hurt to look!

 

ChiTown I think you're right.

I think she wants to say to herself

 

"Isn't life great- I've got a new BF AND my ex is ok with it AND we're friends"

 

Hell no way I didn't reply. Her texts were a bucket of cold water over me. I'm now drying off on the NC train and catching up with my friend called 'Self-Esteem', who is telling me "I told you so, all this time."

 

But I also agree with Johnson there's an element of track-covering in her behaviour.

 

She wants to tell herself she's done all the "right things"- including telling me herself the news she is seeing another guy. But what right do I have to know? F*ck all.

It's certainly not a kindness to me, it's a kindness to her conscience.

 

Another motive is to ensure that she still looks like a saint by clarifying "nothing actually happened", technically "not cheating". She said that because I knew and I confronted and we argued about it.

 

Well I didn't bite and I didn't reply.

Yesterday at work as we walked past she clocked me and she flinched and looked away.

 

IMO she is just a guilty worm with serious co-dependency and attachment issues and by jumping into another R she isn't taking responsibility for her own soul.

 

One last thing is she has integrated herself into my social circle via work and my introductions which includes this guy. And yes I knew him. We went out with him and friends a few times and now I realise he was working steadily towards this the whole time. I trusted them totally. What insidious people.

 

I will be certain to bump into them sooner or later if I continue in my social circle. Advice guys? My instinct is to blank them totally. Because what has happened is repulsive.

 

I do not ever want to talk to either of them as this did not start after BU, it started before.

[Magnet]

Update:

10 weeks since BU on 26th July

Day 14 Of Renewed NC (after relapse on Day 25)

 

Back to total blank mode. I don't look at her, I don't speak to her.

 

Fairly uneventful apart from Monday morning just as I was arriving at work I bumped into a female colleague and got chatting. Horrified as ex bumps into us too. I continue talking to my colleague as if ex is not there. Ex says to my colleague she will go to shops but is forced to wait with us to cross road. I steadfastly ignore and keep talking to colleague.

 

Once enter building, making coffee, another colleague asks my ex if she is ok- he tells me she looks like she has a bee in her bonnet and she says she has had "bad weekend".

 

At first this naturally is a ego stroke especially as I dodged going to a houseparty that I knew ex and her new bf would be attending. Would have liked to go to party but jeez they both will be there so I didn't go.

 

Later in the week I start feeling bad and rotten for ignoring and blanking ex like this. Feeling guilty.

 

Questions:

 

-Is this normal to feel compassion and pity for your ex?

(Bearing in mind this could easily change)

 

-Is it mature of me to totally blank and ignore my ex? (It's getting easier and easier to do this)

 

-There WILL be close knit social situations of 15-20 friends like that houseparty at which ex and her new bf attend.

 

Can I avoid this forever? Should I try to avoid?

How should I behave?

 

I don't want to appear bitter or affected but the truth is they took me for a mug during the last few months of my RS with ex. I don't want to be on friendly terms at all. I can forgive them eventually but that doesn't mean I have to talk to them?

[Magnet]

Guys, I got offered a job aboard. Out of the blue. Starting next February. I'm taking it. Then after that I'm going travelling. I'll travel and work aboard indefinitely and live life to the fullest.

 

I'm going to disappear off the face of earth and do the things I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO.

 

Honestly when I got offered the job something in me stirred. I felt elated.

 

I feel FREE.

 

It wasn't her. It was my old life. My old mentality. The same job the same habits the same routine.

 

BREAK FREE GUYS.

 

One day I am going to thank her for setting me free.

[Simon Phoenix]

Good for you. Getting away from seeing her in a work setting (or any setting) will get you past this so much faster. Congratulations.