fairy_dust Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 Young wife here needs advice and opinions, husband who still keeps in contact with ex-gf on occasional emails (what more I don't know). Asked him a while back to cease the communication with her, as I felt the repsect for me as his wife and for our marriage that it is an interference. He got defensive and told me "You know where the door is", I told him about how unfortable and upset that he still communicates with her. He told me that "I am getting upset for nothing", so I dropped it ever since. The thing is when it comes to me and whoever I hang out with or what he tells me second thoughts about them. For one of my guy friends he told me "I don't think you should hang around with him". As he is just my friend and I told him he is a nice guy, although I find it hyprocritical when he tells me things like that. But why the hell is he so defensive when it comes to his ex girlfriend? I sense he still loves her and all that mish mash. It's bothering me so bad and well she has been on my mind I don't know why? Please I need adivce and opinions. Thanks, Fairy_Dust Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 this man is showing no consideration for your feelings, and no respect for you by carrying on this communication. generally, when a guy is being defensive, he has something to hide. its also indicative that he is getting something from the ex that he isnt getting from you, this may just be flirtation, or conversation or something more serious, but either way if it is causing damage to your marriage then it should NOT be happening. i would explain to him why you dont like the contact with the ex, how it makes you feel, and why you would like him to stop......if he wont sit and listen, then do it by letter.......or email as he seems to like them ...........and if he refuses to even consider the way you feel as he is now..........i suggest you tell him to use the door he so kindly pointed to. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 Yep, people get defensive when they have a guilty conscience. Toss in the hypocrisy of how he feels about your frineds, and it smells like trouble to me. Is this ex-GF of his nearby? Could there be more than email going on? Has he allowed you to see the emails? Or is that "none of your business"? Another indicative sign of problems if so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairy_dust Posted March 2, 2005 Author Share Posted March 2, 2005 Well my hubby is an service man and she is pursuing her career in entertainment, I mean I feel like I am just here to fill in the void in his life of being lonesome, while she is busy becoming"famous". I know that he loves me and everything but he has this thing where he is aggitated by me reading his emails. I am so depressed right now even if he is comming home with in days, I feel like it's fake and I am just here. *sighs* This is our first marriage and well going threw the first couple of years is tough. But geez it makes me wonder 10, 20, 30 years from now is he still going to have contact with her. I figure I will drop the issue every since he got upset with me, and 'live with it" and the next up comming years if things do not change or I see him being this total ASS. Then it's time for to leave and move on with my life, its gonna be hell but I refuse to live with such depression and insecurity over a past flame of his. I don't know what to do, I want to express it to him but I am so hesitant because he get's defensive over her. *sighs* I feel to die right now with all the pressure and things I have to swallow because of his communication with her. I...I feel to meet her and just ask her simple questions to answers he refuses to tell me and keep to himself. I don't know what to do and I want to be mature about this not silly or play games to look like a total fool. Any advices? Thanks, Fairy_Dust Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 The first couple of years is usually the honeymoon phase, not the difficult phase. His actions show a definite lack of respect or consideration for you. If you are expecting this to improve, you will most likely be disappointed. You say you won't live with depression and insecurity over an old flame. News Flash: You already are. He isn't likely to distance himself from her more as he continues to correspond with her. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 I mean I feel like I am just here to fill in the void in his life of being lonesome I feel like it's fake and I am just here why should you live like this?? do you not feel that you deserve better? I refuse to live with such depression and insecurity over a past flame of his he is making you insecure by refusing to talk about it, or share this with you. why should you wait 10, 20 or 30 years before choosing to do something about this? my advice is you get some courage, you stand up to him, you tell him that you will not stand for it, and when he tells you that you can please yourself........because he will.......then do that!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 You've had great advice here from Saffy and DD. Marriage really shouldn't be this difficult in the honeymoon stage. I can't remember even having an arguement with my husband until we'd been married 3 years. Originally posted by _Saffy_ its also indicative that he is getting something from the ex that he isnt getting from you, this may just be flirtation, or conversation or something more serious, but either way if it is causing damage to your marriage then it should NOT be happening. I think this bit could be the key to the whole thing. He's getting something out of this contact with the old flame. If you can determine what that is, you'll be able to address it. It could be low self-esteem, and he's just in it for the ego massage. It could be a reaction to marriage. He may be a latent committment-phobe who feels controlled or trapped, and is acting out of resentment. His reasoning could be subconscious, and it is most likely flawed. But feelings don't have to make sense to be important. If you can get all this hashed out, then great. But if you can't..... Then don't let it take 10 or 20 years to figure out if he's defective in character. And consider putting off starting a family until the marriage is more secure. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 it could be that the missing factor is nothing more than familiarity........how long have you been together? regardless of what it is........the fact that he is reacting the way he is to this is actually worse than the fact that hes still talking to his ex. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 Here's a look at how that hypocrisy is probably working: He knows that contact with his ex isn't going to make him leave you for her, but he doesn't know that you won't leave him for a male 'friend'. That's why he feels its ok for him to have a female friend, but not ok for you to have a male friend. He has complete control over his situations and emotions, but little control over your situations and emotions. It doesn't excuse what he's doing, though. Its unclear whether the issue is that he's defensive over his ex because of unresolved emotions, or its more of a 'control' issue - where he refuses to have his relationships/who he talks to controlled by you. I'm leaning more toward a 'control' issue - it could be that he feels threatened by your attempts to have control over what he does and is lashing out over that. You are definitely going to want to know exactly what it is he is defensive over: her or the fact that he feels you want to control his interactions. You'll have to think about it objectively. If you focus in on the wrong one - it will never be resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairy_dust Posted March 2, 2005 Author Share Posted March 2, 2005 You know he always tells me "I'm not living your life dear, you are", He tells me that he does not want to be changed and I comply that he does not want me to control his interactions. I do not ever intend to change the man that he is, I mean hell that is another reason why I married him for the individual being he has ever been since we met. Him and I known on another since middle part of February 02' but have been married for 1 year. I address that I do not want to wait 10,20,30 years, him and I have plans to have children and he wants to have babies with. But I feel if he is gonna continue this contact with her for the time we raise our children and what more if he discloses about our life togeather. It would be a total akward situation that we are married have kids etc. and yet on the side still communicating with his old flame. I mean damn I dropped all my communication with my ex's in good or bad note that we spilt. All because I have respect for my husband and there is no reason or need to keep in touch. Because my worl soley evolves around my hubby. *sighs* God I love him so much and he the first of the first in a deep serious relationship. I just feel he is setting boundaries for me not to get into about his past with old flames, I would like to talk to him about it. But he is just gonna give me an attitude and get hyped up and well I certainly think it's gonna create a bad argument and maybe even one of us leaving. *sighs* One thing I question is, if he still loves her and would want a chance at his past affair with her. Why the hell did he marry me to have me endure and deal with this insecurity bull****? *sighs deeply* I am getting so deeply depressed and I don't think in the next few years we will last if he still puts this burden on me literally I'll give it sometime see if anything comes of it. Thanks, Lola Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairy_dust Posted March 2, 2005 Author Share Posted March 2, 2005 You know he always tells me "I'm not living your life dear, you are", He tells me that he does not want to be changed and I comply that he does not want me to control his interactions. I do not ever intend to change the man that he is, I mean hell that is another reason why I married him for the individual being he has ever been since we met. Him and I known on another since middle part of February 02' but have been married for 1 year. I address that I do not want to wait 10,20,30 years, him and I have plans to have children and he wants to have babies with. But I feel if he is gonna continue this contact with her for the time we raise our children and what more if he discloses about our life togeather. It would be a total akward situation that we are married have kids etc. and yet on the side still communicating with his old flame. I mean damn I dropped all my communication with my ex's in good or bad note that we spilt. All because I have respect for my husband and there is no reason or need to keep in touch. Because my world soley evolves around my hubby. *sighs* God I love him so much and he the first of the first in a deep serious relationship. I just feel he is setting boundaries for me not to get into about his past with old flames, I would like to talk to him about it. But he is just gonna give me an attitude and get hyped up and well I certainly think it's gonna create a bad argument and maybe even one of us leaving. *sighs* One thing I question is, if he still loves her and would want a chance at his past affair with her. Why the hell did he marry me to have me endure and deal with this insecurity bull****? *sighs deeply* I am getting so deeply depressed and I don't think in the next few years we will last if he still puts this burden on me literally I'll give it sometime see if anything comes of it. Thanks, Lola Link to post Share on other sites
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