nglcrsls Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Hello. This is my first post. This has been eating away at my soul for some time now, and I really want to get this off of my chest. I'm currently 19 years old, and my boyfriend is 20 years old. We have been together since we were 15 and 16. He's really sweet, funny, attractive, and my best friend. However, I just started college last fall, and I want to transfer to a university and get a degree teaching elementary school. He, on the other hand, is working in a retail job with no intention (that I know of) of leaving. We see each other once a week, and this has gone on for 4 years now. I work in a restaurant, and over the summer we hired some internationals to help wash dishes and things so other people wouldn't be overwhelmed during the busy times. And I think I have a HUGE crush on one of the foreigners. This guy is very attractive, he knows three or four different languages, and he has some college education. He flirts with me a lot, and I can't help but flirt back. He's really nice and funny. We have hung out a few times outside of work, and I enjoyed myself. My boss says that he has a crush on me, and I would never cheat on my boyfriend, but I think I've fallen for this guy. I don't think I would ever want an actual relationship with this guy though. He has different beliefs, values and he is a different religion than me. I feel terrible because I am flirting with this guy. I see him every day, and I only see my boyfriend once. I am very confused. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Dump your boyfriend now. I don't care what you say, but you are already emotionally cheating on him and not even taking responsibility for it. Not only that, but you are using scarcity of visits as an excuse, and then apparently trying to tell us that you would never cheat on him... What if you found out your boyfriend was flirting with some girl at his job, would you think that was innocent and okay? It's only a matter of time before you fall for this new guy. You already are qualifying him by saying he knows languages and went to college. There is nothing wrong with wanting to go check out what is new and exciting and enjoy life, but please, don't do that while in a relationship of YEARS. Do your boyfriend a favor and let him go if you don't want to commit to the first person in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrMeh Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 So if you did have the same beliefs and values as him, would you leave your boyfriend immediately? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 (edited) "I can't help but flirt back." You can help it if you want. You WANT to flirt back. Unfortunately, it's called emotional cheating. You've already crossed that line by flirting back and hanging out with this guy -- enabling it and feeding it. What would have happened if his beliefs, religion and values were compatible with yours? Would you leave your boyfriend? You either make the choice to end it with your boyfriend or create boundaries with this guy. Or you can be a cake eater. Edited August 28, 2014 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
RemainUnchanged Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 tell your boyfriend you want to "take a break", but make sure he thinks you are going to stay 100% committed. then see how it goes with this new guy. if it works then great, if not, then go back to your boyfriend. I can't believe im having to tell you this...this is like "female 101" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 It sounds like you've outgrown the relationship with your boyfriend. It's quite normal, given how young you both are. What's keeping you together - true love or security? Whatever you do, stop hanging out with your co-worker outside work. Stop fliritng with him. (Yes, you can help it. You just don't want to because it feels good.) You are not single, so you need to stop acting as though you are. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 You are not yet emotionally cheating. You are trying to do the right thing & that is good. You have been with your BF for a long time, longer than many teen romances but many times when you go off to college, things change. You are growing. He is not. It simply may be that your old relationship has run it's course. Distance also makes it easier to break up. Do not ask for a break so you have the option to put your BF on the backburner. That's not female 101; that's just mean. Nobody needs to be somebody's second choice. Sit down & ask yourself several deep Qs. Would you want to break up with your BF if the new guy didn't exist? If yes, do it. If no, read up on both rebounds & co-dependency. What do you like about your BF? What don't you like? Where do you see this going? What are the pros & cons about staying together? Think about the old Ann Landers Q: would you be better off with him or without him. If you pick your BF, stay away from the new guy. If you don't stay away & especially if you add alcohol into the mix, you will end up cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 I can't believe im having to tell you this...this is like "female 101" OP, the advice is not "female 101". That's just selfish and manipulative behavior. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 tell your boyfriend you want to "take a break", but make sure he thinks you are going to stay 100% committed. then see how it goes with this new guy. if it works then great, if not, then go back to your boyfriend. I can't believe im having to tell you this...this is like "female 101" This is terrible advice. More like "Scumbag 101". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 tell your boyfriend you want to "take a break", but make sure he thinks you are going to stay 100% committed. Do not do this. Ever. Let him go and live his life with a partner who values him as much as he will value her. The quote right here is how to manipulate and rip benefits and no offense, everyone who goes down that path will be visiting couple counseling one day sooner or later. Or live alone and belittled due to several exposed affairs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Talk to your boyfriend, and explain that his lack of ambition makes you question a future with him. Give him a chance to correct the issue (and honestly, you will do him a favor.. retail sucks). Taking a break is a terrible idea, and a lie. Don't go down that road. Either be committed, or not at all. As for that crush, don't be too hard on yourself, you're 20 and have been with the same guy for 4 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Justletgo Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 (edited) Everyone at some point in a long-term relationship feels attracted to another person. The real question though is (especially during this first relationship): would you rather spend the rest of your life with your first boyfriend? Or go and follow this attraction until it has run it's course. Eventually the same thing will happen and before you know it you are 30. Logically the first choice would be the best. But emotionally the second one is far more exciting and the one everyone seems to choose. --------------------------- To comment on what others are saying. I don't really believe in outgrowing a relationship. I don't judge if a person is on my level based on his/her career advances. That is quite materialistic thinking. I base it on his/her character. ---------------------- PS I am sure the 'female101' post was meant sarcastic. It's what most people unfortunately seem to do though. Edited August 31, 2014 by Justletgo Link to post Share on other sites
James-London Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 as everyone else says - cheating is just not right. You care about your BF right? Even if he is not the right guy for you, you still care about him, right? So, don't do this to him. Trust me, you will REALLY, REALLY hurt him, and he JUST does not deserve it..... Even if you don't think he will find out, these things can still come out. And even if they don't, it will still mess everything up with your BF. Firstly, stop flirting with this foreign guy. If you would not do this in front of your BF, why are you doing it behind his back?? Second, have a serious think about whether you and your BF have a future. Third, have a serious chat with your BF about where you are and where you are going. From there, you will know better what you want and what you should do next.... Link to post Share on other sites
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