Is She Cheating?

[a22g]

Well, this is my first post and I have been driven to this site many times in the past so I sucked it up and just joined looking for some advice. This may be a little lengthy, so I am just warning you now.

 

I met my girlfriend about 8 months ago and, without really going into too many details, things seemed to be really great. I get a long with her family very well, as she does with mine and about 2 months ago we decided to move in together.

 

Lately, I have been noticing her talking more and more on her phone and being quite secretive about it. I am not an insecure guy, and I know she has a lot of guy friends, but certain actions have sparked a little intrigue. The phone would ring at 4am and when questioned about it said it was just an 800 number. She texts a lot very late at night and keeps the phone pretty much sewed to her hand even when sleeping.

 

Over the past month or so, I have been noticing her asking me exactly what time I was going to be home. This may sound like a stupid question, but when it was asked 3 times within a timeframe of 1 hour my gut was telling me something I didn't like. I playfully told her: "Are you surprising me with a nice dinner?" She responds back with I don't have money to get food tonight, but just give me an estimate of what time you will be home.

Needlessly to say, when I got home there was no surprise or anything that would be indicative of her asking so many times as to when I would be home.

 

That same night we were sleeping and I had this insane dream of my grandmother and grandfather yelling at me to wake up (It was very odd) and when I woke up I glanced over to her texting this she has been talking to and apparently hanging out with quite a bit lately. In the text I managed to read a few things (trying to not take things out of context). The one comment that was screaming was from him saying: "I hate cheating!!!!" and then goes on to say: "if we are going out then it is only as friends because your track time of play time is not good". She then says: "I know I am a pain in the ass, but you know you love me" and he replies back with: "I do" blah blah blah.

 

The thing that bother's me the most is:

1. She barely ever tells me when she is hanging out with this guy.

2. She actually brought this dude out one friday night.

 

I confronted her the next day about it. I was stern and to the point and questioned her about all that I described above and all I got were some lame-ass excuses and then she proceeded to cry which, in actuality, sounded forced. She told me that I had misread what was written (and that could be) and I asked her to bring it up again and she said she deleted all the threads already .... right. She then went upstairs and comes down 5 minutes later with a text response from him saying: "Really? That is so far from the truth". So she told him, but I have no idea what she had said to him to prompt that reply. She asked me if I wanted her to not talk to him again and I was like: "Whether I do or don't is not going to stop you, and I am not one to tell you who you can and can't talk to." She then asked if I was breaking up with her while crying profusely and I said I can't decide right this second, but the wind up was I didn't.

 

You know, most are either going to tell me to wake up and smell the coffee or stop being so insecure. The problem is my gut is saying one thing as it just doesn't feel right. If you managed to get this far, I would love to hear some advice. Thank you, all!

[Zahara]

The fact that she is sneaking around and having rather inappropriate conversations with another guy is cause for you to be worried.

 

There was no reason for her to go upstairs and spend five minutes communicating with the other guy -- other than to stage a response for you.

 

Personally, I won't stand for that type of behavior and I would be gone. Especially after having been cheated on and knowing the signs, most times continuing to shut one eye only enables the behavior even more. Or you both should sit together and enforce boundaries when it comes to this guy. Chances are she may use other forms of communication or she may truly adhere to those boundaries and respect you and the relationship.

 

The relationship is fairly new. If after 8 months you have to confront these types of issues, what's next?

[longjohn]

I think if this where me I'd be telling her to pack up her $hite and get out. If you tolerate this, this early on in the relationship it will continue. Something is up and it's never good if someone is sneaking around and hiding their phone late at night. I did this once for a few weeks with a woman until I wised up and caught myself on and got out.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, she's cheating. But, YOUR problem is you confront her with very little evidence at a time that can be easily explained away. Basically, you're not bring her the smoking gun and all you're doing is teaching her to hide it better.

 

 

If you live together, then a couple of thing you can do. Go buy 2 voice activated recorders (VAR's). Hide one in the house in a room where you know she does most of her talking on the phone. Then, go to the hardware store and get some heavy duty Velcro. Use the Velcro on the next VAR and secure it under the driver's seat of her car. Listen to them when it's safe to do so.

 

 

Put a keylogger on the laptop computer, this will let you see and emails sent or received and also IM chats.

 

 

If she has an iPhone, she's probably charged it up using the computer at one time. Chances are that computer and the iPhone sync'd up. Therefore, there's a hidden file on that computer to contains the texts conversation from that phone. You need to download an iPhone file extractor. This will find the hidden file and let you view the text conversations.

[a22g]

You know, I have stayed away from relationships because of this very situation. The first time in my life in a very long time I Thought things would be different. Sometimes I wonder what it was that I have done that could have led to this crap. Damn, wow, this sucks.

[Zahara]

^^ I wish I knew all this when I was with my lying pig ^^

 

Meant for Chi's post.

[Zahara]

You know, I have stayed away from relationships because of this very situation. The first time in my life in a very long time I Thought things would be different. Sometimes I wonder what it was that I have done that could have led to this crap. Damn, wow, this sucks.

 

Unfortunately, relationships are risks.

 

It has nothing to do with what you have done. At some point in our lives we all come across bad seeds.

[a22g]

The odd thing now is she is constantly sending I love you text messages to me. Last night she was saying how it bothered her that I would confront her with such a thing and how she always says that she has never cheated, and would never cheat. Honestly, this is the first time I am going through this .... well, as far as I know.

[insert_name]

The odd thing now is she is constantly sending I love you text messages to me. Last night she was saying how it bothered her that I would confront her with such a thing and how she always says that she has never cheated, and would never cheat. Honestly, this is the first time I am going through this .... well, as far as I know.

 

If her behaviour has changed to become more positive towards you then that puts the tin hat on it. Someone secure in their behaviour would feel disappointed that they had been accused unjustly but would feel they had nothing to make up for. A guilty conscience on the other hand...

 

If I were you I would seriously be thinking about the surveillance ideas posted above. Get the proof then DTB.

 

Hey, you could even give her a taste of her own medicine by calling and asking her and asking her exactly what time she will be home so it gives you a chance to fit the voice activated recorders beforehand I say that sarcastically, but on reflection, this may actually be a useful tactic if you are low key enough and don't link it back to her behaviour. If she has been fooling around then she knows the potential significance of what being asked to confirm arrival times means- this may trigger a behaviour change that further implicates her guilt.

[Zahara]

The odd thing now is she is constantly sending I love you text messages to me. Last night she was saying how it bothered her that I would confront her with such a thing and how she always says that she has never cheated, and would never cheat. Honestly, this is the first time I am going through this .... well, as far as I know.

 

Sounds like she's feeling guilty.

[Dork Vader]

Okay for starters...

 

 

No cheater.. I mean NONE will admit to it while it is still going on. The only way you'll get that is if you catch them red handed. Even still they will try to down play it.. "I didn't sleep with them." blah blah blah.. Unless of course you walk in on that..

 

 

Cheaters will only be honest if the guilt they feel is overwhelming them. That is typically months down the road. Even still that is very rare.

 

 

You should not have said you were suspicious until you had caught her red handed. If she wants to continue then she's going too. The problem you've created is she knows you're on to it. So now she's going to be INSANELY careful.

 

 

Yeah it sounds like she's likely cheated. She might not have but if this guy was just a friend there would be no secret to it. The deleting of the text messages would not happen.. Who does that? Unless she deletes everyone text messages.. Then it means she's hiding something. Now don't go tell her that.. If you do she'll wise up.

 

 

Friends don't text at 4:00AM unless it is an emergency or they are drunk. So that kind of thing should be insanely rare. Friends also typically don't text until 1:00AM every night.

 

 

The I love you's are likely because she knows she's screwed up and is on thin ice.

 

 

A few questions..

 

 

Have you looked at the guide of is she cheating?

 

 

Is she acting overwhelmed?

Is she distant?

Have you noticed changes in her? (aside from the I love you's).

Has she with drawn at all from friends and family?

Has the sex slowed down?

Was she emotional? (before the confrontation).

 

 

Was she shady about her schedule? Did she start to nag? Overly interested in your schedule? Disappear?

 

 

If you're answering yes to all of these then she likely is or was cheating in some form. Possibly physical possibly just via sexting/text.

 

 

So what do you do now? Hmm hard to say.. It depends on what YOU want.. If you want to stay with her and move forward then you're going to have to let it go. If she continues the relationship with him and still makes you suspicious don't say a damn thing until you catch her red handed. She'll slip up eventually.

[lolablue17]

Of course she's cheating....

 

I don't know exactly how long, with how many guys, and what's included, but your gut is right.

 

The good news is that she isn't so smart, and her reactions when you confronted her were pointing a clear solid guilt. So if she continue to cheat, you will know about it.

 

You don't need a proof because you know he answer. So if you choose to stay, you should act like a betrayed spouse from now on. Yes, tell her that her constant texting is inappropriate and you can demand full transparency. You want to know whom she's hanging out with. Surprise her with your schedule so she will never know when you're coming home. ect...

[a22g]

I just wanted to thank you all for your insight and advice. This is all pretty hard to swallow right now. We were actually talking about marriage. The hardest thing to wrap my head around this is wtf I could have done. I keep thinking back was there something that I did or didn't do that could have led this situation down this path. The more I think about this the more ashamed I am for being taken for granted like this. I consider myself to be a strong-minded man, but damn, I will be honest, this really just knocked me for a loop.

 

Having conversations with her are extremely limited and it is like pulling teeth trying to talk to her. It just seems forced. Then there is the sex or lack thereof. She blames it on her medication that she has no drive, but now looking at things in hindsight the pieces of the puzzle are slowly starting to come together. This probably has no relation, but now that I think about it, I remember her coming home at night and saying she needed to take a shower right away. That wasn't the red flag, what was the red flag was when I tried initiating sex, she right away went to the bathroom and started wiping her you know what. God, I am an effin moron. Jesus Christ.

[Chi townD]

The most important thing for you to do now is going to be the hardest. Act clueless. Like you don't have a care in the world and you fully trust her. Put on an Oscar worthy performance. The thing is, you're going to her with weak ass evidence. So, she knows you're on to her. Therefore, she's going to hide it better because she knows you're looking. The more clueless she thinks you are, the more relaxed she's going to get. Then, she'll get careless and THAT'S when she's going to make a mistake.

 

 

Also, if you do some of the things I suggested and you do happen to get some evidence NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!! If you listen to the VAR and you hear that she went to lunch with another guy, do NOT say I recorded you. You could say, "SO! You want to tell me about the guy you were having an intimate lunch with on Tuesday at Lisa's Bistro around 1PM when you told me you were going to your sisters?" She'll try to deny it then say, "A friend of mine saw you there." BOOM! You protected your source.

 

 

If you reveal your source and she happens to talk her way out of it with a viable story, you've just lost that source. She'll be looking for it.

[a22g]

Thank you, Chi Town. Honestly, since all trust, or my trust in her has been breached it is nearly over. I will never be able to look her in the eyes the same way again. I have never felt so violated and beat up before. Why the f**k would she move in and talk about marriage and then f**k me over like this. God damn. I am whining over here. I just need to pick my ass up and starting getting my sh*t together.

 

The most important thing for you to do now is going to be the hardest. Act clueless. Like you don't have a care in the world and you fully trust her. Put on an Oscar worthy performance. The thing is, you're going to her with weak ass evidence. So, she knows you're on to her. Therefore, she's going to hide it better because she knows you're looking. The more clueless she thinks you are, the more relaxed she's going to get. Then, she'll get careless and THAT'S when she's going to make a mistake.

 

 

Also, if you do some of the things I suggested and you do happen to get some evidence NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!! If you listen to the VAR and you hear that she went to lunch with another guy, do NOT say I recorded you. You could say, "SO! You want to tell me about the guy you were having an intimate lunch with on Tuesday at Lisa's Bistro around 1PM when you told me you were going to your sisters?" She'll try to deny it then say, "A friend of mine saw you there." BOOM! You protected your source.

 

 

If you reveal your source and she happens to talk her way out of it with a viable story, you've just lost that source. She'll be looking for it.

[lolablue17]

The most important thing for you to do now is going to be the hardest. Act clueless. Like you don't have a care in the world and you fully trust her.

 

That's an option. That option wouldn't work for me. I couldn't do it.

 

If I were him I'd act differently. I believe that in a relationship one side can't ignore the other side discomfort. He has tons of red flags. For me these weren't red flags, they were BIG NO's!

 

For example, there is no way my GF\wife asks me when am i coming back home without telling me in details why exactly does she need that information. There's no way she hangs out (not with me) without me knowing exactly were she is, who is she seeing, ect...

 

So if I'd feel that even only once she's trying to slip it and not telling me something, that alone could cause a big crisis, some time a deal breaker.

 

So instead of acting clueless, or just dumping her. I would sit with her and talk some business. You are allowed to mislead her.

 

I'd say to her that i know she is and has been cheating. (never mind how i know and what proof do i have), If she wants to stay with you, it means no more lies from now! So you need her:

1. To stop cheating from now on.

2. admit her cheating. because if she wants you around, she must come totally clean.

 

After you hear what she's saying, you'll have a better view how to deal with it. But dont give up until she admit it all and explain to you all the hidden text talk, the showers, the chat you saw, and all other suspicious stuff.

 

You MUST NOT ASK her to tell you all this. You just leave a gun on he table, and if she want's a chance with you, it's her job from now on.

 

You might be surprised because sometimes girls will prefer to break up in order to prevent admitting their sins. You might find out how little does she love you by choosing that way (of accusing you, and split instead of being just honest).

Edited August 29, 2014 by lolablue17

[GorillaTheater]

You know, I don't think I'd bother with the VARs or keyloggers in this case.

 

This is an eight month relationship, no marriage, no kids. In my book, the investment's just not there to justify the work it would take to absolutely confirm whether she's cheating.

 

You have enough, OP. This relationship didn't work, and it's time to wish her luck in her future endeavors.

[longjohn]

Thank you, Chi Town. Honestly, since all trust, or my trust in her has been breached it is nearly over. I will never be able to look her in the eyes the same way again. I have never felt so violated and beat up before. Why the f**k would she move in and talk about marriage and then f**k me over like this. God damn. I am whining over here. I just need to pick my ass up and starting getting my sh*t together.

Who knows why cheaters cheat. They do all seem to have find a "reason" or a valid "excuse" to allow themselves to do it. I was married to a woman for 2 years and she cheated. I mean, we had a house, cars, pets (no children thank god) good jobs. We made plenty of money had no debt, went on holidays and she tossed all away for some fat guy. I caught her red handed so to speak and even then like Dork Vader said... it was downplayed and twisted as if it where my issue.

 

 

Your 100% right, pick yourself up and get out. It's the hardest thing I had to do but it was more than worth it. I'd rather be happy and single than married/in a relationship and miserable.

[Dork Vader]

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! You're not stupid a moron or anything. You were a good boy friend and trusted her. She is the stupid one, she took advantage of your trust. She manipulated you. She crumpled up her commitment to you then spit on it.

 

Even if you were being a bad boy friend or making mistakes that's no excuse for cheating. She should have come to you and talked to you saying I need this to change.

 

Yeah the more you talk the more it sounds like she cheated. You'll never know why she cheated. Some people simply can not be faithful and loyal in relationships. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with them.

 

You need to get some space from this woman. You need to give yourself a chance to think and clear your mind. Now don't do anything stupid like sleep with another person. If you decide to try and work things out with her doing that will only complicate things.

 

As you think ask yourself if you're being rational, fair and valid. Be strong and confident.

[No Limit]

Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

No, there's nothing you could have done about her. She's a serial cheater (judging from your other post that she once came home and immediately had to clean herself up) so there's no hope for her when it comes down to a stable relationship.

 

Don't bother with searching for texts for visible evidence - then again, you already have proof, her newest constant "I love you"-texts that is. Break up with her and get tested for STDs. And go NC (no contact - and no contact means absolutely NO. CONTACT!).

[a22g]

Do you think I'm crazy if I'm actually trying to rationalize all this. I mean is the writing really on the wall and I'm blind to it. Seeing that text really blew my mind . I'm telling myself maybe I misread it, but then everything else factored in points to the same ****. I think I'm going nuts over here. You guys have opened my eyes and for that I am extremely grateful.

[Space Ritual]

Do you think I'm crazy if I'm actually trying to rationalize all this. I mean is the writing really on the wall and I'm blind to it. Seeing that text really blew my mind . I'm telling myself maybe I misread it, but then everything else factored in points to the same ****. I think I'm going nuts over here. You guys have opened my eyes and for that I am extremely grateful.

 

Thus far for the most part you have received excellent advice form the replies.

 

I will only add one thing.

 

For most of us when it initially began we were searching for something...anything in fact that would run contrary to what our guts told us was going on. What you are experiencing is quite normal. Keep in mind that it will generally take a bit of time for your heart to catch up to your head so do not get too down on yourself about it.

 

From what you have posted previously,however, I would be in the initial stages of exiting from this relationship. Her blame****ing and convenient response from this guy via text after she had already supposedly deleted all these messages was her covering her arse. You already know this....so please act accordingly and get out of this situation now before you drive yourself mad over someone that does not love you.

[Space Ritual]

I tried to rationalize a bunch of stuff that didn't fit during my engagement a quarter of a century ago before there were the day of the Apps and mass texting for the populace. I rationalized that I was just paranoid about my fiance all the way until I caught my fiance in bed with my best friend (and Best Man) 3 weeks before my wedding.....suffice it to say I had a stretch of 4 years behind bars to think about what all that rationalization resulted in, which was me making a snap decision and an extremely foolhardy and violent choice that nearly destroyed my life.

 

Get Out While You Can. I am an extreme case of what can go wrong when a perfect infidelity storm hits, and have been paying for my poor choice for over 25 years.

[oldshirt]

You know, I don't think I'd bother with the VARs or keylogSs in this case.

 

This is an eight month relationship, no marriage, no kids. In my book, the investment's just not there to justify the work it would take to absolutely confirm whether she's cheating.

 

You have enough, OP. This relationship didn't work, and it's time to wish her luck in her future endeavors.

 

I half tempted to agree with this, that you should just walk away and call it good.

 

But she has shown some actual malice here. It's not like she just had some fling with some dude in a bar one night or that she has some beta orbitor hanging around that rubs her feet and hands her tissues when she's crying about the world.

 

She has been developing this other R while living off of the OP and discussing long term plans all while lying to his face when he presented her with his concerns.

 

She had a golden opportunity to come clean and address the issues and she chose instead to intentionally continue to mislead the OP and continue to carry on with the OM. That means she intends to either secure up the R with the OM and then dump the OP cold without warning, or continue to let OP provide her home and comfort while she gets her sexual needs taken care of by the OM.

 

My vote is to blow it all up and be the last man standing.

 

Do as Chi Town says and play the happy clueless fool and gather hard evidence and smoking gun.

 

Then run off the ON and make him hit the road. He'll probably bolt once he finds

out his free and easy poontang is going to be a little complicated.

 

Then once her little porn life is disrupted, then he can walk away. She goes from two guys covering all her bases to none.

 

And once he has the smoking gun in hand and transcripts of their communications, she can't just rug sweep it as "things didn't work out."

[oldshirt]

Do you think I'm crazy if I'm actually trying to rationalize all this. I mean is the writing really on the wall and I'm blind to it. Seeing that text really blew my mind . I'm telling myself maybe I misread it, but then everything else factored in points to the same ****. I think I'm going nuts over here. You guys have opened my eyes and for that I am extremely grateful.

 

Unfortunately no, you aren't misreading anything. You are reading the writing on the wall correctly. As someone else mentioned, you'll probably never know the whole story, but you know enough to know what's going on.