Are my concerns justified?

[Nonsuch]

Hello Loveshack. This is my first post. Hoping to get some objective opinions.

 

I'll keep it as short as possible. Background: We're both divorced and in our 40's. In an exclusive relationship for almost 2 years. Our relationship is fulfilling in every way possible. We are both good communicators, loving, giving, kind, supportive, etc. In other words, this is a relationship worth investing in.

 

She is beautiful, extroverted, and treats everyone the same, male or female. I believe her friendliness could be misinterpreted by men as interest, and early on in our exclusive relationship this led to a few important discussions. At the time she was receiving texts from married men who were "just friends" in her eyes, but the content and frequency of these texts suggested that platonic boundaries were being crossed. To her credit, she established stricter boundaries with these men, to the point where they now maintain minimal contact.

 

A few months ago she and I went out with another couple (her best friend and best friend's boyfriend). After a few drinks she became very friendly with the boyfriend - touching his arm, spontaneously kissing him on the cheek, and talking about how awesome our sex life is. She was sitting next to me the whole time - kissing me, holding my hand, and keeping her hand on my legs. I know for a fact that she is not attracted to the man and had no intention of turning him on, but he was clearly turned on. He began making comments about her body and how hot she is right in front of his girlfriend, who's face dropped when she heard it. Anyway, I addressed her behavior with her the next day, and she claimed to have no idea "how men think" and agreed to be more mindful of it. A few weeks later she was at a party with her girlfriend and this same boyfriend. I was not there. She said he made her uncomfortable, and pretty much blew him off the whole night.

 

Fast forward to yesterday. My girlfriend needs the services of a particular industry, and the boyfriend just happens to be in this line of work. She tells me that she asked her girlfriend to set up a meeting with her and her boyfriend. I told her "I don't think it's a good idea for you to do business with this guy. He basically made a pass at you in front of his girlfriend (your friend), which is disrespectful". I said I believe she could be a temptation to him, which would cause all sorts of trouble with her best friend. I told her I don't consider this man a threat to OUR relationship, but I do consider HER a possible threat to her best friend's relationship.

 

She respectfully disagrees, and says there is no chance of anything inappropriate occurring. She is upset that I would ever think that she would do anything inappropriate. Truth is I don't think she would. But why risk it?

 

Am I out of line? Am I being too controlling?

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Ugh, you sound like the chick in this relationship.

 

I trust you, I just don't trust other people...but what if...blah blah blah

 

You're not going to change a 40 year old woman. She's gonna flirt if she's a flirt. She's gonna cheat if she's a cheater. And it sounds like you don't think she is--so let it be.

 

Worst case, you find out now she's a cheater and not 5 years later.

[Dork Vader]

Here is the problem I see with this relationship.

 

 

She clearly doesn't have the same boundaries that you do. You point it out to her she goes o okay and adjusts for the time being. Problem is she goes right back to her old ways. I've dated women like this.. It will NEVER change.

 

 

What happened at dinner was not appropriate at any level on her part.

 

 

The whole claim that she doesn't know men is complete BS. It's justification and an excuse. If she is that naïve about relationships she has no place being in one.

 

 

She fully admitted the guy was making passes at her at the party. That right there should send up red flags and make her cut off all contact with him. So yeah I'd be concerned that she wants him to do repair work. Her having a continued friendship/relationship with a man who has sexual interest in her is not appropriate. It does NOT matter who the guy is. Once they have a sexual interest they are no longer a friend. They are a point of potential conflict to your relationship and should be removed from their life. Unless it is a coworker boss but at that point you go HR or find a new job.

 

 

How would she feel if she were in your shoes? She'll say she wouldn't care but I highly doubt it.

 

 

I doubt she has cheated on you yet. But here is a question you should ask yourself and potentially her.. Does she have other male friends? If so does she treat them all this way? If she does she is just overly flirty but she still should have some boundaries/lines she does not cross. If she only does this with specific men.. You have a serious problem..

[lolablue17]

You are wrong by any mean...

 

1. Your Gf is beautiful and many guys are attracted to her. So what?! Do you suggest that she cant be in contact (even business) with anyone that is attracted to her from now on? It's way way too controlling.

 

2. She has proved to you that she is a strong solid woman. Without you being around, With alcohol involved, He made a move and she blew him off! And told you about it immediately. What else do you need so you'll finally trust her? Because obviously you don't.

 

3. You're "concerned" with her relationship with her (female) friend?!!!! Are you her father and is she at age 7? I have never interfered my daughter's social life when she was at kindergarten age. Who are you to be concerned about her girlfriend?

 

4. It's clear that you don't give a damn about her girlfriend. You're just not honest with yourself. You're making up some stories and theories that support your desire to control her because you don't trust her at all. Or maybe you wish she wore a body cover when she's out like the muslims women and work in an archive located 40 meters underground with only females around her.

Edited August 29, 2014 by lolablue17

[Lani]

The thing you need to remember here is that the very things that make you uneasy are also the reasons you love her. If she wasn't this casual, happy-go-lucky and trusting person you may not have fallen for her in the first place.

 

Your main concerns here are stemmed from others potentially seeing in her what you do. She's chosen you. Either be happy with that and let her be who she is, or move on.

[I am Bud]

Dear Nonsuch

 

Your girlfriend has proven time and time again that she is faithful to your relationship. You should cut her a little slack and trust her to do the right thing in this instance again. This guy is not going to be the last guy who will hit on her so let her do her thing and be happy that she chooses to be with you. As long as she meets the both of them together it shouldn't pose a problem. You should encourage her to do what is best for her business and not just go with someone because they are a friend of a friend so to speak.

 

All the best - Bud.

[Nonsuch]

I'm thinking I should have posted this question here first before mentioning anything to her. The advice here has been pretty consistent and much appreciated. There is a quote that says "you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free". Definitely something I will keep in mind going forward. Thanks again

[tom670]

Here is what you can do just to be sure...

Put a voice activated recorder in her car use heavy velcro.

Use long lasting lithium batteries.

You will get answers within a week at the latest check after a few days.

[Try]

A few months ago she and I went out with another couple (her best friend and best friend's boyfriend). After a few drinks she became very friendly with the boyfriend - touching his arm, spontaneously kissing him on the cheek, and talking about how awesome our sex life is.

She respectfully disagrees, and says there is no chance of anything inappropriate occurring. She is upset that I would ever think that she would do anything inappropriate.

I respectfully disagree with her telling you that there is no issue. On the one hand, you tell us that "After a few drinks she became very friendly with the boyfriend - touching his arm, spontaneously kissing him on the cheek, and talking about how awesome our sex life is", and then in the same post you tell us that she "says there is no chance of anything inappropriate occurring" when she meets with him alone. Sorry but she already has acted inappropriately with this other man when she touching him, spontaneously kissing him on the cheek, and talking about sex to him. If she does this in front of you, what will she do when she meets with him alone? Edited August 29, 2014 by Try

[smackie9]

I don't care how out going she is, her behavior is inappropriate, and she knows it, but gets away with it by playing ignorance. "Oh geez I don't know what has gotten into these guys...." Give me a frickin break. She knows what she is doing, and she loves being an attention whore. She how to manipulate men sexually, and enjoys every minute...she gets off on it, that is why she won't stop doing it. Think about it, if you didn't say something about those texts, she would still be receiving them.....but who's to say she isn't, she could very well be deleting them.

 

If you find this behavior unacceptable, end the relationship. I and most people wouldn't tolerate it either.