How did you transition the affair to a legitimate relationship?

[HPrynne]

For those who experienced what I guess would be an exit affair that ended by becoming a legitimate relationship, how did you get there and what do you think are the things you learned, or what you would have done differently, or advice you'd give to someone who found themselves in a similar situation? Fortunately, the affair has not been thrill-seeking or the kind of roller coaster of emotions a lot of people describe. No relationship drama, no breakups. It hasn't been easy because significant life transitions never are, but we have been happy with each other and solid for about a year.

 

I would really appreciate input from those whose affair at some point became a known, normal relationship and what you might do the same or differently if you could go back. And, are you happy now? Did that transition from affair to open, regular relationship work and why or why not?

[FusionCutter]

For those who experienced what I guess would be an exit affair that ended by becoming a legitimate relationship, how did you get there and what do you think are the things you learned, or what you would have done differently, or advice you'd give to someone who found themselves in a similar situation? Fortunately, the affair has not been thrill-seeking or the kind of roller coaster of emotions a lot of people describe. No relationship drama, no breakups. It hasn't been easy because significant life transitions never are, but we have been happy with each other and solid for about a year.

 

I would really appreciate input from those whose affair at some point became a known, normal relationship and what you might do the same or differently if you could go back. And, are you happy now? Did that transition from affair to open, regular relationship work and why or why not?

 

I suppose it almost never happens.

[Got it]

Sure. For us one major difference I have found is I didn't treat it much different from any other dating experience. I had similar expectations, I had requirements for communication, seeing each other, etc. and outside of making the allowance he was married I didn't allow many other allowances. Him being married was his baby to rock, not mine.

 

I did have a timeline that we had agreed upon and I held to my boundaries. We broke up and I moved forward with my life. If he caught up, great, if he took too long then it was his loss. When he did separate and we started dating again we compromised in areas of emotional needs, etc. I would say the biggest compromise I made was long distance dating when he moved many states away (for work). Again we compromised on how our relationship would continue and what each party needed.

 

I tried to look at the big picture and while I needed to see certain things, I didn't push for eveyrthing all at once. In fact I didn't meet the kids for almost two years from separation/year from divorce. If we were in it for the long haul then we didn't need to rush things. We did couples counseling during the affair and afterwards to continue to work on our relationship, communication and conflict resolution skills.

 

We finally married a year ago and going strong. Things aren't perfect but they are very good.

 

I can't say this fits for everyone but this is what worked for us. I vented to trusted friends at times, I kept living my life, and I have never made him my whole world. I knew the values I brought to a relationship and knew that my whole dating/love life was not going to begin and end solely on him. I have loved him a long time but am realistic that statistically I would find love again. And the same for him. We try and continue to meet each other half way, forgive for our flaws, cheer our successes, and keep compromising as a team. We drive each other bonkers at times but he is a really cool guy and I enjoy being with him. And he is pretty damn funny as well as sexy.

 

Number one thing I love most about him, no matter what, he comes to the table every day actively participating in the relationship.

[k9cutie]

I have been in a real life relationship with my exAP for the past year after a 4 year affair. We had a DD a couple of months into the affair, but went underground after a brief break. It was a crazy rollercoaster ride. We were in love, but struggled with the hurt we were causing by continuing the affair, and the devastation we would cause if we left our spouses to be together.

 

There were quite a few attempted breakups that never lasted long. I couldn't do it anymore. I separated from my husband (now ex), two years ago and had to live in the same house for a year and a half until finances were settled and I could buy a place of my own. The divorce was final about 6 months ago. I told my AP when I separated, I was done sneaking and lying and hurting everyone. I wanted to live an authentic life. I asked for NC and told him to work on his marriage. He chose to leave shortly after.

 

We have been blissfully happy. We both have our own homes, and we spend 4-5 nights a week together. Our children get along amazingly and have told us how much happier people we seem as people and parents.

 

Our families know about our history and although they probably don't approve the way we went about it, but they are so glad we are happy and have accepted our relationship with open arms.

 

I would have done so many things differently. I feel terrible that I wasted years of my exhusbands life. I knew I didn't love him properly even before I began my affair. I should have let him go find a woman who would love him like he deserved. I was so selfish and cowardly.

 

He is still angry, but is doing his best to be cordial for our childrens sake. I can't imagine how devastating this has been for him. I hope he will forgive me someday.

[goodyblue]

My experience was much like Got it, in that we had a timeline, and I kept a close eye on it, not to make sure he hit the 'deadline' but to make sure we were making progress.

 

I wish we hadn't started as an affair, but we did, so now all we can do is be as happy as we can and live our lives (and we are VERY happy).

 

It's been almost two years for us, and things are going well.

 

And I wish his ex hadn't found out. She's made things really difficult. And she really worked hard to turn their children against him. It's backfired and her children have distanced themselves from her. We worked really hard from our end not to involve the children because it isn't fair to them in any circumstance, and nobody should be able to do that to their poor kids.

[cocorico]

I'm not sure what you mean by a "legitimate" R? I consider our R to have been legitimate all along, as we are both consenting adults.

 

We have been M for several years now. How we got there was, we both decided that that was what we wanted, and we both made it happen. Like Got It described, our A was not any different from any "regular" R in that my expectations were exactly what they would have been if he were single, and I considered his being M to be his problem, not mine. So he had to make whatever concessions needed making, and had to bring to the table what I wanted - or there would have been no R.

 

What I'd do differently - I guess if I'd known how long his xW was going to act out, I'd have been less tolerant upfront and have reported her to the cops the first time she broke into our place and messed with my stuff, instead of feeling sorry for her and thinking she'd grow out of it. I'd also be more chilled and not insist the kids keep contact with her. Perhaps even move far away, making it more difficult for her to exercise a malignant presence.

 

What I learned - it's really not a big deal for most people. His family and friends were just surprised it took so long, and grateful it happened. His kids blossomed. It's been brilliant all round. I just wish we'd known at the outset how well it would work out, so we could have gone for it instead of testing the waters for so long.

[goodyblue]

I'm not sure what you mean by a "legitimate" R? I consider our R to have been legitimate all along, as we are both consenting adults.

 

We have been M for several years now. How we got there was, we both decided that that was what we wanted, and we both made it happen. Like Got It described, our A was not any different from any "regular" R in that my expectations were exactly what they would have been if he were single, and I considered his being M to be his problem, not mine. So he had to make whatever concessions needed making, and had to bring to the table what I wanted - or there would have been no R.

 

What I'd do differently - I guess if I'd known how long his xW was going to act out, I'd have been less tolerant upfront and have reported her to the cops the first time she broke into our place and messed with my stuff, instead of feeling sorry for her and thinking she'd grow out of it. I'd also be more chilled and not insist the kids keep contact with her. Perhaps even move far away, making it more difficult for her to exercise a malignant presence.

 

What I learned - it's really not a big deal for most people. His family and friends were just surprised it took so long, and grateful it happened. His kids blossomed. It's been brilliant all round. I just wish we'd known at the outset how well it would work out, so we could have gone for it instead of testing the waters for so long.

 

I worry very much this will be our experience. We're coming up on two years and still he gets horrible emails from her at least three times a week, and they'll go on and on. She regularly tries to insert herself into our lives. The other day I finally grabbed his phone and said "He's your EX husband, he's my CURRENT boyfriend. Nothing helps really. I just ignore, ignore, ignore. It's actually the only time I've ever sent her a text, but I just get so sick of it. And I don't want to hear "But they were married for 30 years, it's to be expected". Because it's only hurting her. She's going to become a cat lady and I feel sorry for her, but I'm starting not to.