The end is near

[Hope4thefuture]

So by this time next week my divorce should be finalized. To tell you the truth I am having mixed emotions. I didn't want this divorce. I tried my best to work at our marriage, but he thought it was hopeless. So I decided I can't make him want to stay married to me. So we went through this process of spliting our time with the kids and our finances.

 

During this time, I started to become more independent. I thought I am going to be able to do this(and most days I still do). I enjoy my time with my boys. There are some things about being single again I look forward to. I don't miss the arguing. I don't miss wondering what kind of mood he will be in today. I won't miss wondering what I did wrong this time.

 

As I received word from my lawyer that we are so close to this being done, I cried. I was sad because I feel guilty that my boys won't have their mom and dad in the same house ever again. I am sad that I wasn't able to make my ex happy. I am sad that my life as I knew it won't ever be the same.

 

As I type, I have doubts and fears. Will I ever find someone to love again? Will he love me? Will he love my boys? Will this work this time?

 

Even though I am to the point that I want this over and done with, I am afraid of what is ahead. I would never want to stay married out of fear. I just hope that their will be happiness in my life again.

[Mirages]

I believe the feelings of doubt are normal. Having kids is a blessing, as in their involvement with you will make your time pass more pleasantly. Likewise as you know, it can be a problem dealing with the ex. A true psychopath might roll on and say "Yes, its over, I can efficiently replace this unit!" As you can imagine, we do not strive to be psychopaths.

 

Make your life a complete one to the best of your abilities at your pace, neither God nor anyone else is holding a stopwatch, it may take a year.

 

What I am learning, is that the relationship with both of my kids improved shortly after the separation, i.e. instead of bumming around about my misery, I actually plan stuff for them, and actively listen to them. It certainly did not worsen; and hardship makes people, their scars build some character.

[Hope4thefuture]

Over the past several hours I have been sadder than I have for the last few months. I've been thinking about him a lot more. Not because I want to stay in the marriage that I had with him, but because it feels like I'm losing something. I didn't realize that I would have such a strong reaction to this date upcoming up. I thought I would feel relief. And maybe a part of me might but it's overshadowed by all this grief. Is it normal to feel this way when I'm so close to the end of my divorce?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

yes, you will be a bit lost, as you're cutting off from depedancy and deep emotional ties.

 

it took me a great deal of time to feel comfy being alone in the house, and spent late nights away to get over missing what i had. It was not the deep luv or passions that haunted me the most, it was how can i be so insignificant from what we built on. will i ever be good enough for nother person in my life sort of thing.

 

 

 

 

shed your tears knowing that once you have accepted your departure, that your new freedom will allow you to go places you never dreamed of. Just be strong after you moments of weakness, and allow your true self to shine brighter than you ever have before all this.

 

 

if anything find a good friend to allow for comforting, either a shoulder to cry on, or a woman's retreat away from town.

 

 

you are a woman, and far stronger than any man... be a princess and allow for the proper man to make you a queen.

[cerridwen]

Over the past several hours I have been sadder than I have for the last few months. I've been thinking about him a lot more. Not because I want to stay in the marriage that I had with him, but because it feels like I'm losing something. I didn't realize that I would have such a strong reaction to this date upcoming up. I thought I would feel relief. And maybe a part of me might but it's overshadowed by all this grief. Is it normal to feel this way when I'm so close to the end of my divorce?

 

I welled up reading your OP, Hope.

Brings back a lot of memories.

 

Maybe you're feeling what I did; the intense loss of a family member, someone once (or still) so loved, who knew you like no other.

 

Despite any past contention, the feeling of losing something special can still be present.

It doesn't seem abnormal at all.

Nor does it seem nonsensical that the feelings are intensifying as the date approaches.

You WILL be closing the door on the marriage legally.

That's heavy.

 

One thing that helped me, was knowing we'd still be friends.

You two are still linked through your children, and perhaps, because the divorce affords some emotional space, you'll continue on as better friends with a very special past.

The effect on children can be concerning.

But you'll be able to model amicability and perhaps even increased love for one another.

Albeit in a different way.

 

It's okay to feel wobbly about the future.

Again, very normal.

Just avoid allowing those thoughts to take root. They so often led to horrible anxiety.

 

Know what I used to tell myself?

(I am a horrible fretter.)

I'd tell myself that it was equally possible that brilliant and wonderful things would happen.

I took solace in knowing life could suddenly break open like a pinata and shower unexpected surprises on me.

 

Holding onto that idea, helped me through the tearfully scary times.

And then, Life did exactly that! It broke open!

After a disastrous marriage, and some years of singledom, I'm engaged to the perfect man for me.

I had very similar doubts and fears to yours.

You can survive them, Hope, and better yet, thrive.

 

PM me for support any time.

[KarlaB]

Hope and cerridwen.. I think that is what I feel as well. Being alone doesn't seem to freak me out as much as losing him, the person I love. We are still trying to be friends through this all as well. I am getting better and the not knowing what he is doing when he leaves for weekends because I just get so much anxiety over it all. Just hearing his voice calms me down. Working though some of the 180 steps has helped.

[cerridwen]

Hope and cerridwen.. I think that is what I feel as well. Being alone doesn't seem to freak me out as much as losing him, the person I love. We are still trying to be friends through this all as well. I am getting better and the not knowing what he is doing when he leaves for weekends because I just get so much anxiety over it all. Just hearing his voice calms me down. Working though some of the 180 steps has helped.

 

Thanks, Karla.

 

What are the 180 steps?

I've never heard of them.

[2.50 a gallon]

Almost everyone who has gone thru a divorce has experienced similar feeling have you are now experiencing. I caught my Ex kissing another man, and called it quits, even though she begged to give us another chance. That hurt even worse. But I knew deep down I could never ever have the same trust in her that I had had so just walked away.

 

In order to keep my mind busy and off of what she might be doing, I dove back into my hobbies, and luckily found some new ones.

 

As for the future, I totally swore off on ever falling in love again. I learned to like living alone, I had no one to answer to but myself. I reached a point in my life that I thought that I was truly immune from ever falling in love again. Love, who Needs It?

 

Wrong answer try again. Second date, first kiss, and cupid shot me in the tocas. We have now been together for coming up on 19 wonderful years, and still very much in love.

 

If it happened to me, when I was not only not trying, but had totally disavowed falling in love again, it surely will happen to you.

 

And most will tell you, when that new person comes into your life you will find that you have traded up.

 

As for my Ex, of 30 years ago, I looked her up on the internet, married and divorced a second time. And her photo, she is easily pushing 200 pounds. While I have a woman who is the sweetest most giving, caring person I have ever met. And not only that, she is a grandma of a 18 year old, and still has an hour glass figure. I definitely traded up

 

I now say, divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Hope4thefuture]

Tomorrow is the day! I hope I can stay strong. I don't want him to see me get emotional. I will have to save that for when I get home.

[KarlaB]

Hang in there you got this!

[Hope4thefuture]

Well finalized my divorce today. So many emotions: anger, sadness, relief, loneliness. It was difficult getting through it. Sitting across the table from him and knowing in a few minutes I would no longer be married to him. Realizing all my hopes and dreams I had made with this man would no longer come true.

 

After I got into my car and let the tears flow, I realized I still have my life ahead of me. I can do what I want with it. I can make new hopes and dreams. It may take awhile to completely let go and accept this new life, but I am determined to make it better than it is right now. I will still have many bumps along the way. I will still have lows. But I will not give up! This chapter has come to a close and I am ready for a brand new one.

[KarlaB]

Hope I am sure it was a difficult day, I know I will be the same when my day comes but what a great attitude to have. While I still feel like I will be alone, I am excited about some parts of what is coming ahead. Hang in there.

[Hope4thefuture]

All this legal stuff sucks. It makes me feel stupid. One of my biggest regrets is not understanding all of the finances when we were married. Yes I was good at taking care of my kids, the house, my job. But I let him do the finances. Biggest mistake because now trying to learn all this by myself is frustrating. Sorry just had to vent!

[KarlaB]

Hang in there you can learn it all never too late!! My end is near as well I just sent off my signed petition to get the ball rolling. Mixed emotions

[Hope4thefuture]

I am sorry you are going through this. It's one of the hardest things I went through. Stay strong! Lots of bad days and some good. What has helped me the most is my family and friends. Always willing to listen and be there for me. Posting here has helped as well. Hugs to you!