Friend won't stop teasing me in front of others

[90s kid]

I have a work friend who tends to go overboard on the teasing and it's really starting to upset me. We've been friends for years and she's always been a good friend to me. However, she has a habit of teasing me in ways that I don't find humorous. For example, she'll announce to the office how I'm a super picky eater and I never eat anything except the same 3 meals over and over. Umm, I am a picky eater but definitely not that picky and why is that so funny? Or she'll make blanket statements about me or my personality, such as how I HATE this or that or she'll point out things about me that she finds weird. She rarely does this when we're alone. It's almost always in front of other people. The fact that she teases me in front of others makes me feel like her "jokes" are really thinly veiled insults, designed to belittle/undermine me in front of others.

 

 

I've told her over a dozen times now that I don't like it and I want her to stop but she hasn't stopped doing it. How much clearer could I be? Do I need to yell or something? I always try to be polite and kind to people but I have no problem being assertive when I need to be. The fact that she hasn't stopped makes me feel like either a) she doesn't take me seriously and doesn't realize that it's truly offending me or b) she doesn't care and is being intentionally insulting. I find it hard to believe that she doesn't realize how much it upsets me considering I've brought it up so many times and been pretty firm about it.

 

 

In the last few days, I've become super passive aggressive with her because I'm so frustrated and irritated. The next time it happens, I'm definitely going to look her in the eye and firmly tell her that I don't appreciate her comments and I don't want to hear them again.

 

 

I'm interested to hear what you guys think her intentions might be. I'm starting to wonder if her "humor" has malicious intent. On the other hand, maybe she just doesn't have a good handle on what is funny and what isn't.

[whichwayisup]

I've told her over a dozen times now that I don't like it and I want her to stop but she hasn't stopped doing it.

 

She doesn't care that it upsets or bothers you so it seems. You can try talking to her and actually say, "I am THIS close to ending our friendship and walking away for good because I've asked you so many times to stop teasing and picking on me. You think it's funny and a joke but to me it's NOT. You keep on doing it and I've had enough." And see what she says.

 

Or, just cut her out of your life and when she asks what's up and why you're ignoring you, tell her that you don't want friends who put you down and make fun of you in your life.

[Teknoe]

I have a work friend who tends to go overboard on the teasing and it's really starting to upset me. We've been friends for years and she's always been a good friend to me. However, she has a habit of teasing me in ways that I don't find humorous. For example, she'll announce to the office how I'm a super picky eater and I never eat anything except the same 3 meals over and over. Umm, I am a picky eater but definitely not that picky and why is that so funny? Or she'll make blanket statements about me or my personality, such as how I HATE this or that or she'll point out things about me that she finds weird. She rarely does this when we're alone. It's almost always in front of other people. The fact that she teases me in front of others makes me feel like her "jokes" are really thinly veiled insults, designed to belittle/undermine me in front of others.

 

 

I've told her over a dozen times now that I don't like it and I want her to stop but she hasn't stopped doing it. How much clearer could I be? Do I need to yell or something? I always try to be polite and kind to people but I have no problem being assertive when I need to be. The fact that she hasn't stopped makes me feel like either a) she doesn't take me seriously and doesn't realize that it's truly offending me or b) she doesn't care and is being intentionally insulting. I find it hard to believe that she doesn't realize how much it upsets me considering I've brought it up so many times and been pretty firm about it.

 

 

In the last few days, I've become super passive aggressive with her because I'm so frustrated and irritated. The next time it happens, I'm definitely going to look her in the eye and firmly tell her that I don't appreciate her comments and I don't want to hear them again.

 

 

I'm interested to hear what you guys think her intentions might be. I'm starting to wonder if her "humor" has malicious intent. On the other hand, maybe she just doesn't have a good handle on what is funny and what isn't.

 

 

First of all, sorry you have to go through this. I've been in your shoes more than once, one involving high school friends and other situation involving work.

 

She's doing it in front of others because she's insincere and has nothing better to say. So she reverts to that which she feels most comfortable with: taking cheap shots at an easy target.

 

You've confronted her multiple times and she hasn't taken it to heart. Not much you can do at this point. I wish I could say develop thicker skin, but I know it's weighing you down and you feel bad coming to work because of this person. It sucks. Not sure when it crosses into harrassment?

 

You could ignore her, but if you're posting here it's a sign it's beyond that

 

Sorry, I dunno what else to say. Except, tell her one last time if she doesn't stop, you'll be forced to talk about her harrassing behavior to a higher up who can stop the bullying. This could totally backfire and blow up in your face, though.

 

For me, I developed thicker skin, and went with the flow. Eventually, the teasing and "mean jokes" died down. If you don't play along, and people see you're a genuinely good guy, eventually they'll get tired of poking fun at you.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[CC12]

Apart from the teasing, what is she like? Is she a nice person? Good friend? If the teasing is pretty much her only negative quality, then maybe it's not malicious.

 

For example, she'll announce to the office how I'm a super picky eater

 

Or she'll make blanket statements about me or my personality

 

If you think she deserves the benefit of the doubt, these kinds of statements could be seen as kind of bragging to others about what good friends the two of you are. Like, "Hey everyone, look how close we are. We totally know everything about each other." Pretty obnoxious, but not malicious, if that's the case.

 

What does she say when you've asked her to stop teasing? Do you think she understands what you're asking?

[preraph]

I'm being serious here: Tell her if she doesn't stop denegrating you at work, you are going to complain to the manager or boss. My sister does that stuff and I don't like mixing work or friends with her because of it.

 

If you then tell the boss and they try to blow it off, tell them that would be "hostile work environment." It's a legal term that could cost them money if they don't fix it.

[90s kid]

Apart from the teasing, what is she like? Is she a nice person? Good friend? If the teasing is pretty much her only negative quality, then maybe it's not malicious.

 

 

If you think she deserves the benefit of the doubt, these kinds of statements could be seen as kind of bragging to others about what good friends the two of you are. Like, "Hey everyone, look how close we are. We totally know everything about each other." Pretty obnoxious, but not malicious, if that's the case.

 

What does she say when you've asked her to stop teasing? Do you think she understands what you're asking?

 

Other than the teasing, she's a good friend. I appreciate your suggestion that its a way for her to show how close we are. I just don't know why she has to tease me about negative things. When she mentions things about me that I perceive as negative, it makes me feel bad.

 

When I ask her to stop, in the moment it seems like she sees that I'm serious. But then, she'll repeat it a few days later. It happened the other day in front of a coworker. The coworker was noticeably uncomfortable because she could see I was clearly upset. But for some reason it doesn't get through to my friend.

[GemmaUK]

Been there..am there..except Idon;t take it personally.

 

If you do then talk toher one on one.

 

My Dad once got home and he cried...

I was so worried for him.

He was a strong man, a lovely man.

He cried because a few of his buddies made fun of him in the ways you describe.

 

I sat back and asked my Dad what else had been fun that day when he met his friends.

(I knew all his friends btw).

 

Turned out my dad was the brunt of the jokes..not all of them but most.

The kidding around wasn't that mean either..just jibes.

 

I told my Dad...

 

'I get picked on in just the way you do.

I also pick on people like they do you.

Do you have any idea why?

It's because you laugh, people laugh and it's only ever a joke and not intended to hurt. It's cos we love you'. (RIP Pops...I miss you so much xxx)

 

Talk to your friend.

She could think she is not upsetting you and may have no idea she is upsetting you.

[SpiralOut]

The fact that she teases me in front of others makes me feel like her "jokes" are really thinly veiled insults, designed to belittle/undermine me in front of others.

 

Yep that's what it sounds like to me. Maybe she doesn't feel too good about herself lately so this is what she does to make herself feel better.

 

 

I've told her over a dozen times now that I don't like it and I want her to stop but she hasn't stopped doing it.

 

Did you tell her this in private or in front of others? You might have to call her out in front of other people immediately after she does it. Just say "that's not funny," or "why do you keep doing that? You know I don't like that." It will force her to stop doing it unless she wants to look like a jerk in front of everyone.

[bubbaganoosh]

In the last few days, I've become super passive aggressive with her because I'm so frustrated and irritated. The next time it happens, I'm definitely going to look her in the eye and firmly tell her that I don't appreciate her comments and I don't want to hear them again.

.

 

You just answered your own question. If at first your friend doesn't get the hint that the teasing bothers you, then you have to make sure that the next time you say it in a way that it's fully understood.

[Ronni_W]

I just don't know why she has to tease me about negative things.

It's not usually to demonstrate closeness but some kind of dominance or superiority.

 

Bigger picture could be your unwillingness or lack of confidence to stand up and speak out for yourself. Do it IN FRONT of the other people whom she coerces into helping her make you feel bad/stupid.

 

Practice your rebuttals if you need to.

~ "How possibly can these people be interested in the fact that I'm a picky eater? Why are you boring them with that?"

~ "Yep...I am totally a picky eater but not so ridiculous as you're making out? In any case, so what? Who is it hurting?"

~ "What are you getting out of portraying me like that??? For goodness sake!"

 

The more incredulity and "are you going insane?" tone and expression you can muster, the better. Practice in front of the mirror or with your real, true, genuine friends if you want or need.

 

When she mentions things about me that I perceive as negative, it makes me feel bad.

She is using what you perceive as "negative" about yourself against you.

 

Once you decide that all your "stuff" is natural, neutral or positive, then you will be taking away all her weapons. So what if you're a picky eater? So what if you like '50 Shades of Grey'? So what if you one time got suckered to send your last fifty bucks to the Prince of Nigeria on understanding you'd then be made a princess and receive ten million bucks? So what??? (That's the attitude you want to adopt about all your past mistakes and failings and "negative" stuff...she'll have nothing with which to torment you.)

 

Hugs. I know it sucks when it happens...but you can and must stand up for yourself against all kinds of bullies...even the ones that present as "friends".

[preraph]

People openly criticize and humiliate other people to make themselves feel better, and friends and relatives do it to friends for the same reason with the added caveat of often wanting to themselves become ingratiated with the people whose benefit they are doing it, to be friends with them themselves. It's not good. And it can also be because they feel threatened by the other friends, jealous, and want to show how tight you are, how well they know you. And that's not good either.

[Lipitor11]

I think you need to CUT HER off completely! She is not your friend, I know it makes it tough that you also work with her, but give her the cold shoulder/ignore/tell her that you are busy with work, etc, etc. This same thing happened to me with a co-worker-that I knew for a few years and we became close friends. She would ALWAYS call me out about my relationship status in front of other people at work saying that I'm single, and that she pitys me because I don't have a husband, and that bitch kept going on and on and on about it, until one day, I lied and told her that I had a boyfriend, and from then on, I started keeping my distance from her and eventually we stopped talking. And its funny now, we walk right past each other and she doesn't even greet me anymore and I do the same thing to her. And when I brought that issue up, she would always say, "Oh, I just want you to talk more and I want you to be happy" excuse...Yeah right, and monkeys fly out of my butt! Now, we just don't even say anything to each other at all. Its like we were never friends.

[90s kid]

I think you need to CUT HER off completely! She is not your friend, I know it makes it tough that you also work with her, but give her the cold shoulder/ignore/tell her that you are busy with work, etc, etc. This same thing happened to me with a co-worker-that I knew for a few years and we became close friends. She would ALWAYS call me out about my relationship status in front of other people at work saying that I'm single, and that she pitys me because I don't have a husband, and that bitch kept going on and on and on about it, until one day, I lied and told her that I had a boyfriend, and from then on, I started keeping my distance from her and eventually we stopped talking. And its funny now, we walk right past each other and she doesn't even greet me anymore and I do the same thing to her. And when I brought that issue up, she would always say, "Oh, I just want you to talk more and I want you to be happy" excuse...Yeah right, and monkeys fly out of my butt! Now, we just don't even say anything to each other at all. Its like we were never friends.

 

 

I can definitely relate to that. She has made a few comments recently that I "don't have love in my life." OUCH.

 

 

It's really difficult for me to cut her out of my life. 99% of the time she's a good friend to me. She listens to my venting sessions and she's usually a kind person. I feel like the teasing was kept at a minimum for a long time and for whatever reasons, it has become more biting lately. I'm going to make one more attempt to get her to stop. If that doesn't work, I seriously need to reassess our friendship.

[CC12]

I can definitely relate to that. She has made a few comments recently that I "don't have love in my life." OUCH.

 

Okay, well, that is really mean. I don't think you can classify this as friendly teasing.

 

I agree with others that you need to call it out every time it happens. Even if others are around, you should still say something. Keep a mental list of rebuttals at the ready, like, "That was hurtful. Can you not say stuff like that to me?" or "That was offensive. Why would you say something like that to me?" or "How is that relevant at all?" Questioning her will require a response and will put her on the spot and hopefully make her uncomfortable enough to stop.

 

I would not tolerate this for much longer, though. You've talked to her about it and that hasn't worked, if calling her out on it a few times doesn't work either, then I'd be done with the friendship.

[Teknoe]

'90s kid, you're getting some awesome advice here. Advice I wish I knew 4 years ago when I was leading a small group at my old church, and one of the guys in the group kept undermining me. He was actually an old high school friend... really random how that worked out! When he first saw me coming to the group, he was cool. But then, just like back in high school, he started making little jabs at me. When I was appointed to be the new leader, he would continue taking little shots at me. It hurt, felt unnecessary and I wish looking back that I had called him out on it. Or questioned him, so he'd be forced to respond. Every little moment he could, he would try to make me the butt of his jokes. Looking back, I wish I confronted him instead of running away. I eventually left the group and the church altogether.

 

It is important to stand up for yourself. If you're not hurting anyone, nobody should have the right to insult you and make you feel bad. Don't be a victim. Be firm with this "work friend" and have rebuttals ready.

[darkmoon]

her intention is to feel/look big, horrible for you, but if nobody laughs - which they never do, i know - your workmates can see a toxic woman picking on you, impossible not to, she is one to avoid, surely nobody will like her deep-down, they will be polite, nothing more

 

practise making her not matter to you, five miniutes, ten, a half hour...build up to a day...a week

 

your friend has changed from nice to nasty

Edited August 31, 2014 by darkmoon

[90s kid]

Thanks for the advice everyone! I've called her out in front of others before but I'll be firmer about it if it happens again. I'm usually good about standing up for myself. But I've never had to defend myself against someone I thought was a friend. I really wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. But I see now that she needs to know that it's not okay to talk to me that way.

[preraph]

That comment about you don't have love in your life was inexcusable. I'm afraid the only person who doesn't love you is her. I definitely now think she's trying to make herself look superior by tearing you down. Her implication in that statement is SHE doesn't have love in her life, but I have love in my life because I am better than her. She does sound like a toxic friend. If she made that statement around me or it got back to me, I'd be distancing myself from her and next time she made a comment about you, I'd be telling everyone around "You have to realize there's a lot she doesn't know about my life because we're really not that close."

[SpiralOut]

Thanks for the advice everyone! I've called her out in front of others before but I'll be firmer about it if it happens again. I'm usually good about standing up for myself. But I've never had to defend myself against someone I thought was a friend. I really wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. But I see now that she needs to know that it's not okay to talk to me that way.

 

She already knows that it's not okay for her to talk to you that way. You have called her out repeatedly and she continues to do it because there aren't any consequences for her. She doesn't care.

 

I would stop talking to her on a personal level. Be polite, but don't engage with her anymore unless you need to.

[central]

Complain to your boss, and insist that this is a form of sexual harassment. At the very least say that her actions are detrimental to your ability to focus on the job, it's harming teamwork and collaboration, and it's highly unprofessional.

 

If you workplace is one that doesn't care about such matters, you might get away with being ultra-aggressive and tell her to stop being a mean bitch - out loud to the whole office. If necessary, yell it right in her face.

[preraph]

Yes, after hearing the whole story, I'd be all for getting her out of your work environment. How can you be taken seriously and advance with her undermining your character there the whole time? You do need to complain to your boss and up the chain if nothing is done, or if there's a reporting system to call HR and that's how they do it, do that. Tell them she was an acquaintance who you've known a long time but that she has been saying insulting personal things to you in the workplace and that you have already asked her to stop numerous times.

[Teknoe]

Hey '90s Kid, any updates? Been back to work 2 days now, so wondering if anything has happened since?

 

Want to encourage you real quick, at work I felt my coworker was kind of being petty with me. I ended up having a heart to heart with her about it... and it was a really good outlet. It allowed her to see me in a new light, and ever since, while we're not BFF (it's OK, not everyone you'll get along 100% with... as long as you can be professional and courteous), I've noticed a major shift in her behavior toward me... her whole aura went from black to white. Before I felt a heaviness whenever I got around her. Now, after the heart to heart, things have felt so much better.

 

I hope you're doing better, too.

[90s kid]

It’s been hectic at work and I haven’t seen her much. I’m still hoping that I got my point across last time I asked her to stop. However,I’m prepared to confront her if it happens again.