I think he's playing me

[neverdonethisbefore]

I am new here and very grateful to have found somewhere to be able to talk to people who may be in the same situation as me.

 

 

I am married, in my 40s, and have recently become involved in an EA with a MM.

 

 

It wasn't something I was looking for and yes, I know I could have walked away and I know I should have but I didn't and now I'm in love with him. He says he's in love with me but I don't think he is.

 

 

I know the thing to do is to end it, but the idea fills me with dread. I hurt now because I really don't think I'm the only one he's doing this with but ending it will hurt more.

 

 

Whenever I start to pull away, he's suddenly very attentive and tells me he loves me all the time. As soon as he thinks that it's all OK again, that all stops. I don't know what to think... Is there any chance that he feels the same way about me as I do about him?

 

 

We have talked about having a future together, he says that's what he wants. The thing is that if he does love me, I would like a future with him which is what keeps me in this situation.

 

 

He usually messages me on his way to work. On Tuesday he told me that he had a very busy day and he'd try to message me when he could. Ok, that's fair enough but then I found out that he'd been messaging someone else all morning and not said a word to me. The same thing today. He was online with someone else before and after talking to me. Bearing in mind that it's very early to be talking to someone, is there any chance that this is innocent and that I am just being paranoid or is it more likely that he has more than one of us?

 

 

My head says I should end it. It hasn't been going on that long, it's what I should do isn't it? I should get out now before it gets worse.

[Poppy47]

Hello,

It's easier to end it now before it becomes physical....once you bond with him physically... you are a dead duck!!!!

Poppy

[herself]

That paranoia doubt, fear, worry. Hot cold behavior and worry will only get worse the longer you stay in this.

It hasnt been going on that long and he already can ignore you for a whole day...that isnt love.

When its love you can barely stomach the thought of not being able to talk and what the other is doing. EVERY single interaction will wreak of love.

That built in alibi of I have a busy day is his way of giving you the heads up that you're on the back burner and he will message you if he is bored, needs attention, needs an ego stroke....this is all going to be very very bad for you.

 

You fell in love and want to plan a future with a very short term ea partner.

How did that even happen? If all it took are a few texts and I love you's and some attention...something is broken with you...Id be looking to explore you, not him.

This is a dead end road for you.

End it NOW.

[still_an_Angel]

It would be better to back out now while you still can, don't get yourself attached any deeper. Trust your instincts that he has other women on the side. You just need to ask yourself what has he done to make your future with him a reality. Please protect yourself and walk away, you can already see the heartache this situation is going to bring you.

 

 

You can read up on all the other threads here and live through other OW's pain. And as bentleychic has stated in another thread, I also need to take my own advice, easier said than done (I know this very well because I'm living it) but I now have 2 legs deep in the mud and am trying to wade my way out. You're still standing at the edge, you can still step back and not go down this way.

 

 

Best of luck, Angel

[A.Moscote]

To be attracted or to fall in love with someone new is natural, that's life, many of us here experienced it. It is related to our emotions and feelings, something we can't totally control. Some act on it, some don't.

 

However perhaps you could be more thoughtful and conscious when it comes to your future. As in the responses above, I too feel like if you're too hurry in this. Based on what are you thinking of having a future with him? What aspect of that future you think would be much better than your present? Do both of you are even ready to leave own spouses?

 

You can't even be sure if he really love you or not. Very probably, based on what you told us here, both you and his wife (of course), are not even exclusive to him. Yes, no one here personally knows anyone in your story, but chances are, your MM is not that much better than your husband. How long you think he can be that attentive or 'in love' with you, if you two are now legitimately together?

 

Be careful and conscience OP, don't let your desire and hormones drive you, remember your responsibility and commitment. Stop while it is still early lest you'd become a real deceiver like many we can read here. There is always a right way if you want to be with him, don't take the easy path of an affair.

 

Sorry that I put in more questions and doubts than answer. I hope you will get that clarity that you are looking for somehow, I'm sure many here will help you. Just take your time and be patient.

[yakamoz]

Hi OP, I am in the same situation as you but have been at this for almost 2 years now. I am exhausted from pain and frustrated that I put myself in this situation and can't figure out how to get myself out. I have this 'thing' with my married boss for the last two years. I guess it can be called an EA but he never told me he loves me, we never made future plans and we never communicate outside of the work. It is mostly flirting, lot of eye contact, complements, and many conversations about our personal issues/lives etc...

 

Few months back, I told him about my feelings and he confirmed he feels the same way. At that point it seemed like he was moving towards a physical contact. Then, few weeks back, he comes to me and tells me he had this wonderful date night with his wife and he felt like he was dating her again etc...I was like ok, I got the message. Since then we are still friendly but he stopped flirting, complements etc...I am all good with that, despite the pain, I know it is the right thing to do. I am not an unethical person, I don't think I have ever done anything immoral in my life. I always put everyone's happiness ahead of my own and I do love my H and feel bad for his wife.

 

I am also a very rational woman. I analyzed and reanalyzed this thing many times over the months. I know he doesn't love me, no matter what he says. I know he is bored in his marriage and sexually very attracted to me which is probably why he keeps contact but he is too much of a coward to do anything about it. I also know he feels very guilty about the whole thing, hence the constant pull and push between us. Currently, he is trying hard to keep his distance but I know it is a struggle because he still comes around and wants to talk. We are hot and cold and it is killing me. I also know he is manipulating me which I think what your MM is doing. I just can't move beyond the extremes of pain when not getting his attention and euphoria when I do. I have never been an addict but I know this is an addiction. I tried everything to get my mind off of him but it is not working. Every rational thought and the guilt I have goes out the window the moment we make eye contact.

 

So if you are at the beginning of this thing, try to keep your distance. Once it gets deeper, it is beyond hope until it runs its course (if it ever does). I am lucky we never had sexual contact because I know the moment he gets what he wants he will lose both interest and respect while I will be left with more intense emotional attachment then ever. I am trying to work on myself and figure out why I allowed myself to get attached to a man like this which I believe is the key. I am a highly educated, successful, professional woman with a very high self esteem (or I did have high self esteem once, I am no longer sure I still do). But this is what happens when you are stuck in such a unhealthy relationship with a man who could never give you what you want/need. I need to know why I let this happen. I regret the day I met him, I truly do.

 

I am sending you best wishes and hope you are stronger than me.

[Michelle ma Belle]

There isn't much more I can say that hasn't already been said.

 

It is clear YOU already KNOW what you need to do and yet you keep doubting yourself.

 

This guy is a P.L.A.Y.E.R. my friend and he's playing you for a fool. He doesn't love you. What he "loves" is the game and the attention and his ego being stroked by vulnerable women in need of attention. You said it yourself that you're not the only one.

 

Aren't you worth more than that?

 

He's full of sh*t and I think you know it. I doubt anyone here will be posting otherwise.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

What is it that you love about him? Or are you in love with how he makes you feel? Or is it about who he is? Is he a loving, kind, honest, giving and patient man who adores and treats you well?

 

What is missing inside of you, to make you reach out to another man? What about your husband in all this.

[stillafool]

Would you leave your husband for this guy? Would you stay if this guy doesn't want you?

[Meretchen]

It seems like he likes the "chase", because he blows hot, when you pull away from him. When he says he loves you, he is trying to keep you on the hook. It is a game he is playing for his own entertainment, and it is not a good sign. I hope you are not too emotionally invested in him by now to walk away

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Never,

 

I'm a former wayward wife. I had a short A five years ago. My H knows everything and we've reconciled.

 

Two things about your OP.

 

We have talked about having a future together, he says that's what he wants. The thing is that if he does love me, I would like a future with him which is what keeps me in this situation.

 

When I first knew xOM, I was totally into him. However, I didn't really know him all that well. But I was half in love with him anyway. I see now that in looking at him, I filled in the gaps with what I wanted and needed from a man at that time. Therefore making him...the Perfect Man for me. In my head, he was perfect. But in reality? No one is, especially xOM. So, how well do you REALLY know this man?

 

is there any chance that this is innocent and that I am just being paranoid or is it more likely that he has more than one of us?

 

Yes it is likely. My xOM would go silent for a bit then start talking to me again. This happened for days. Turns out he had another GF and dumped me for her. But I was still convinced he was the Perfect Man (UGH) and waited for months until he contacted me again. Turns out he was separated and the GF left him. The second time around, he'd go silent and I'd wonder...yep...the GF was back in the mix.

 

It makes me sick to think that on top of the fact I was betraying my husband and marriage, I was also betraying my self respect and allowed myself to pursue these actions and be treated this way.

 

Stop now. You are strong and smart enough to step off. Believe me, it is not worth it.

 

BSW

[herself]

Wow you are getting some amazing advice and insight here.

Really great posts.

Just take your heart out...head only here.

[smackie9]

I'm not sure why you are wondering if you are being played...there is no commitment in affairs, you get what you need out of it and that's it. You got your emotional attention, that you don't get from your husband. What now? you feel since you have feelings of love that you should have commitment from him? Need I mention you both already have spouses so what difference does it make if he flirts with another? You are getting a bit mixed up on how this affair thing works....reality check: you can't have them completely, they don't owe it to you.

 

Now either you just enjoy the attention and have your fantasies to get yourself through the day, or you end it and work on your marriage or get divorced. Tip: having an affair is only a band aid solution that can get you into a whole heap of hurt and trouble.

[neverdonethisbefore]

Thank you all for your advice. I should have mentioned that I've known this man for a long time. We've been friends for ages. He says he's always had feelings for me, just never told me about them.

 

I do need to end it with him, I know I do. I know it will just get more difficult the longer I let it go on.

 

I need to focus on my marriage and to improve that.

 

How do I do it? How do I stop this addiction and how do I find the fulfillment I need in my marriage?

[stillafool]

Thank you all for your advice. I should have mentioned that I've known this man for a long time. We've been friends for ages. He says he's always had feelings for me, just never told me about them.

 

I do need to end it with him, I know I do. I know it will just get more difficult the longer I let it go on.

 

I need to focus on my marriage and to improve that.

 

How do I do it? How do I stop this addiction and how do I find the fulfillment I need in my marriage?

 

Maybe you should end your marriage since you are in love with another man. Maybe your marriage has run its course. Perhaps if you divorce you will be able to find happiness.

[Meretchen]

Thank you all for your advice. I should have mentioned that I've known this man for a long time. We've been friends for ages. He says he's always had feelings for me, just never told me about them.

 

I do need to end it with him, I know I do. I know it will just get more difficult the longer I let it go on.

 

I need to focus on my marriage and to improve that.

 

How do I do it? How do I stop this addiction and how do I find the fulfillment I need in my marriage?

 

 

If you love your husband and would you like to stay married, yes, then there is no question about it - you need to cut AP off if you want the sole focus to be on your H. Just do not, whatever anyone would have to say about that, stay out of obligation or guilt, because you happen to be married. You stay in your marriage out of love and feeling committed to your H, because that is how you and your H want it to be. It is not a business relationship. All the best to you, hugs.

[bubbaganoosh]

How about this for a solution. Before you get involved with another man, how about divorcing the one your with.

 

It's only fair. Your an adult and if you don't know by now right from wrong then your in trouble.

 

What blows my mind is your ready to jump from the frying pan into the fire with a guy and even though you know the guy, you never lived a day under the same roof with him and as an adult you should know that he along with you too are showing each other your best sides and sooner or later when you both destroy your marriages and think that you met you "soul mate", is when the other side comes out. All the warts, scars, quirks and bad habits and then you realize that your former wasn't so bad after all and by that time, it's too late.

 

I'm not blowing smoke up you dress because you know it's a fact and yet you willing to risk it all for a pipe dream. If that's the case then one gets what one deserves.

[smackie9]

Thank you all for your advice. I should have mentioned that I've known this man for a long time. We've been friends for ages. He says he's always had feelings for me, just never told me about them.

 

I do need to end it with him, I know I do. I know it will just get more difficult the longer I let it go on.

 

I need to focus on my marriage and to improve that.

 

How do I do it? How do I stop this addiction and how do I find the fulfillment I need in my marriage?

 

You can start by seeing a therapist to get your head around all this, then possibly request couples counseling with your husband. You may or may not be able to work things out with you marriage, but at least you will have the tools to deal with whatever the end results will be.

Edited August 30, 2014 by smackie9

[herself]

Very strange I didnt see her question asking for moral advice or whether or not it was right to have an A or whether she shouldve gotten divorced first?

Isnt the morality part glaringly obvious to each of us who took part in an A?

Shes trying to sort through whether he loves her and if so why the pulling away and hot and cold.

Seems like people get excited to take their judgement to a safe outlet.

Not saying to condone...just saying no one is asking for your morale opinion.

Its not right to vent angry posts toward someone.

Each person has their own set of standards and morals.

Its up to each one of us to set our own boundary.

Half the posts recieve no real answers or help...just moral bashing and lectures on telling spouse and shouldve gotten divorced.

She wasn't asking that.

[jellybean89]

Thank you all for your advice. I should have mentioned that I've known this man for a long time. We've been friends for ages. He says he's always had feelings for me, just never told me about them.

 

I do need to end it with him, I know I do. I know it will just get more difficult the longer I let it go on.

 

I need to focus on my marriage and to improve that.

 

How do I do it? How do I stop this addiction and how do I find the fulfillment I need in my marriage?

 

What does the fact that you have known him for a long time have anything to do with it?

 

You say you want a future with him, so end your marriage and pursue the MM.

 

Personally, I think it would be foolish to chase after a guy who has not only has a wife, but other OW in the mix. I don't believe he loves you.

[neverdonethisbefore]

Jellybean89, I think you are right. I think it would be foolish to even hope for a future with him.

 

 

Bubbaganoosh, I do know right from wrong. I also know that people are not perfect and that they make mistakes all the time. Sometimes they make huge mistakes. I know I shouldn't have gotten into this situation in the first place, I foolishly believed that it was nothing more than a harmless bit of flirting but it very quickly escaped my control and became something so much more than that.

 

 

Ending a marriage is a huge step, not something to be done lightly in my eyes and I know that my responsibility is towards my husband and my marriage.

 

 

However, I have - however stupid it was - managed to fall in love with someone else and I am looking for support and advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

 

 

Smackie9, thank you for your advice. I am going to see a therapist, I think it's the best way to deal with the issues that I have.

 

I was hoping that someone would tell me that I am being paranoid and that it is possible that he does love me but I guess I really did know the answer before I asked the question and you have all just confirmed what I already knew.

 

 

It's just really difficult, every day I wake up saying today is the day. I am ending it today and then he phones me or messages me and my resolve crumbles.

 

 

Why am I so weak? How do I get the courage to actually end it?

[smackie9]

Ya cutting off something that brings you pleasure and some self worth is very difficult to let it go. This is something you need to discuss with your therapist and work through why you are feeling this weak. Once you discover why, only then you can start to let go.

 

Most would say go no contact, but he is the one that is going out of his way to keep in contact. You may have to play dirty and tell him if he doesn't leave you alone you will reveal the affair. Hopefully that will let him know how serious you are and you are done with it.