Minnie09 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 MM and I have been "dating" for close to a year. Things have been going smoothly, we both know what we signed up for, and we basically meet to have a good time, no strings attached. Sex is amazing (I have to mention it, even though I know it is kind of a "duh" thing in affairs). We both enjoy each other's company, and - there's never a bad word said about MM's wife, and actually there's hardly anything said about W and family. I don't know what he's doing when he's home, if they go on vacations, wheter or not they meet friends every evening, or on the weekends, what their daughters are up to etc. No clue. Not too keen on knowing, either. I don't ask, he doesn't volunteer to tell. So.......this is our deal and we both seem to enjoy it. We do talk. A lot. Just not about our lives and what our lives are like when we aren't around each other. We do know the basics, of course. He knows I am not married, or dating, and he knows what I do for a living. I know he's married, and that he has teenage twins. And I know what he does for a living. And that his W is a SAHM. But our conversations are usualy not about our "normal" lives. I do think he has a good M. Maybe boring (an that's only an assumption......he NEVER complains), but good enough. Has been married for 15 years+ (!!), and seems content. No reason to want out. I think. So what's the deal with the expensive gift thing? He buys me expensive jewelry a lot, and I don't know why. I am not opposed, but I do know it's morally wrong (like the A itself), since his is hers 50%. I don't get it. He doesn't have to do it. I am not going anywhere. And I cannot afford to reciprocate. Anybody else here, whose MM overspends? And I mean, OVERspends. Why? I am not that gorgeous. I am pretty enough, and fit, and sporty, and I have a lucrative-enough job. I am not misleading him. I am not spoiled. I am down to earth, happy with my life, and that's it. I never buy him anything, either. I think it's unnecessary. Do they get anything out of it? Is there a secret MM-code for affair behavior that I know nothing about, and that calls for expensive presents? Like in the movies? I don't know how to react anymore, other than to say Thank You and "that's a little bit too much" and stuff like that.......I don't want to offend him, either, though. I mean, I LOVE the gifts, but I do not want him to think that that's why I am around. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 How good can the marriage be if hes cheating? just saying...far as the gifts I guess its like payment in a way and/or a show of affection.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minnie09 Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 (edited) How good can the marriage be if hes cheating? just saying...far as the gifts I guess its like payment in a way and/or a show of affection.. I really don't know whether it's good or bad. If it were bad, though, I'd probably hear more about it. Right? Plus, there are so many MM whose Ms are good enough, or good, and they still want some fun on the side. Edited August 29, 2014 by Minnie09 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Nope. MM isn't much of a gift giver which works out well for me b/c I don't particularly like taking things from him (or anyone). A small token gift once in a while is fine, especially for occasions like birthday, anniversary (I know there'll be meanies on this. Don't bother.), holidays, etc., but I wouldn't allow him to spend much on me or overspend. I'm a big giver, though which is funny considering. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 You could ask him why he buys you these gifts and see what he says. You could also tell him you don't need them and be firm on it. That will show you're not around for gifts. But it's like you're saying you love the gifts on one hand and it's not that you don't want them...yet you also seem to have a problem with it. There are lots of reasons why he could be doing this. You could ask him though to be sure of his reason. There wasn't any over spending in my A personally, he gave me small gifts like chocolates, flowers, stuffed animals, perfume, once he did give me a cellphone, but nothing I'd consider overly expensive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 I have no clue... Link to post Share on other sites
Hardgrind Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 I am a MM, but not involved in an A (my spouse is). Here are my thoughts on why a MM gives jewelry (to wife or OW). Could be any or a few of the reasons below: - Because he can, men can get pleasure from giving gifts if they are appreciatively accepted. - Sometimes a wife can be unappreciative of gifts if it is not exactly what they wanted. He may get frustrated trying to give his wife gifts because he can never get it right, and it is obvious from her reactions. - Guilt. He may be buying you gifts to compensate for guilt that he cannot give you a full committed relationship. - It's an outward sign of your relationship with him. When you wear something he gave you in public, it provides him with security, contentment, etc. - Insecurity. He may feel he needs to give you these things to keep you in the relationship, even though you are not asking for them. - It may be a passive aggressive way of getting back at his wife for something he resents. By giving you the "good stuff", he is "getting back" at her without needing to directly confront her. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 You are getting everything but commitment...enjoy it till it ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Some people like to do acts of gifts. That may be his love language so that is what he exhibits with you. I would talk to him about it but it just might bring him pleasure. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Other ideas of why: He gave it to his wife and she didn't like it Jewelry doesn't take much thought - its easy in a man's mind (i.e. women like jewelry) He gets it wholesale He's read the MM handbook - give a girl jewelry, she won't expect anything else than bling Why not ask him? Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Other ideas of why: He gave it to his wife and she didn't like it Jewelry doesn't take much thought - its easy in a man's mind (i.e. women like jewelry) He gets it wholesale He's read the MM handbook - give a girl jewelry, she won't expect anything else than bling Why not ask him? Yes because the only possible reasons have to be insulting and demeaning towards the OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Why are you asking here? If you talk a lot, ask the man. If you don't want the gifts, sell them, give them back and ask him not to do it again. You are under no obligation to accept them you know. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minnie09 Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 I didn't say I don't like them. I do like them a lot, because they're very tasteful and pretty. I wear and use those rings, necklaces, bracelets, watches, purses and keychains, ...... but asking HIM why he spends so much would just sound like I am fishing for compliments. He has said, without being asked (and after I do the usual " ohhhh honey" ), that he enjoys shopping for them a lot, and I know he spends a lot of time looking for the right things. I know that he really makes an effort trying to find the perfect thing. He doesn't get them wholesale, he actually gets them from various different jewelers, and they're definitely not used. What Hardgrind said sounds kind of reasonable. Passive aggressive, to "punish" the W, even though she doesn't know, and enjoying the act of giving, because I am responding well. Yes. Could be. I am not going to tell him that I don't want them, because I do like them, and I enjoy them. As much as I enjoy him. I just don't want him to think he has to buy expensive stuff all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Maybe this is his way of showing you his appreciation and that he truly likes you. He wouldn't be spending his time shopping for these items if you don't mean anything to him. And maybe seeing these blings on you gives him enjoyment. My MM does not do this for me, but he has given me access to his online shopping and ticketing accounts so I can get anything "I fancy". But I have never taken him up on this, not once, this is not the reason why we're together. I know where you're coming from on this one. MM is financially well off, and I'm not, I know I only need to ask and he won't hesitate to give it to me. I know it pains him to see me struggle financially (I'm a solo parent with near-nothing child support) but MM also knows not to go there, again, money is not the reason why I choose to be with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I really don't know whether it's good or bad. If it were bad, though, I'd probably hear more about it. Right? Plus, there are so many MM whose Ms are good enough, or good, and they still want some fun on the side. Sorry to me any relashionship were one has to seek something outside the relationship is not healthy thus not good. Just cause he chooses to keep it to himself dose not mean it doesn't not exist "fun on the side" isn't needed if your happy at home..he comes to you to fill some sort of void that's prob whats up with the gifts as well its a thank you for doing that for him.. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 This is a no brainer...hes buying you. Clearly its working. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I asked my guy abt this because when we were in the affair there were many expensive gifts and lots of expensive vacations. The affair has been over for almost 2 years and we have been together as an open couple during this time. The gifts and trips have not stopped. Frankly he does more now. So when I asked him why it is so important to him, he simply said he enjoyed it because it was something he could do for me that I would never do for myself. And that he knew I truly appreciated that he thought of me. Sometimes it isn't for the terrible, mean reasons that Jellybean and some others relished sharing. Just enjoy them and appreciate that he does it. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Most men love to give gifts to a woman they're in a relationship with. Anyone who wants to read anything negative into that could, I suppose, but I think a lot of women underestimate how much joy this can bring a man; and how much hurt it can cause if she's not appreciative. I think he's doing it because he wants to show you that he values you. Just be happy about the gifts, as you have been, and that will make him happy. Most men do not expect the woman to reciprocate with a like gift. That's actually a bad move. It would be nice to buy him some small thing every now and then, though, to show you were thinking of him. If it bothers you because you think he's doing it to keep you around, just say to him, "You know you don't have to buy me things like this." And then smile and hug him and be happy that someone wants to give you nice things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Meretchen Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Yeah, my XMM would sometimes bring me something, a book or a nice bottle of red wine, because I like to collect books and "bottles", so he would gift me with these things. Exes before him would do the same. I think in general many guys really like to scout for something that they know, you will like, and it is not a bad thing, by proxy. It is all about intent, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 So what's the deal with the expensive gift thing? He buys me expensive jewelry a lot, and I don't know why. I am not opposed, but I do know it's morally wrong (like the A itself), since his is hers 50%. I don't get it. He doesn't have to do it. I am not going anywhere. And I cannot afford to reciprocate. This would have bothered me, as I was bothered by the deception xMM carried out and the possibility of deception with joint assets would have been another layer of that. In my case, there was no significant financial deception and he did tell his wife about me when he returned home (he was away from home when we became involved). Only you can decide what situation you are comfortable with. If the idea of him spending joint assets secretly bothers you then talk to him about it. Open communication is key in any relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I didn't say I don't like them. I do like them a lot, because they're very tasteful and pretty. I wear and use those rings, necklaces, bracelets, watches, purses and keychains, ...... but asking HIM why he spends so much would just sound like I am fishing for compliments. He has said, without being asked (and after I do the usual " ohhhh honey" ), that he enjoys shopping for them a lot, and I know he spends a lot of time looking for the right things. I know that he really makes an effort trying to find the perfect thing. He doesn't get them wholesale, he actually gets them from various different jewelers, and they're definitely not used. What Hardgrind said sounds kind of reasonable. Passive aggressive, to "punish" the W, even though she doesn't know, and enjoying the act of giving, because I am responding well. Yes. Could be. I am not going to tell him that I don't want them, because I do like them, and I enjoy them. As much as I enjoy him. I just don't want him to think he has to buy expensive stuff all the time. I really don't get the problem... You like the gifts and you say he says he enjoys giving them...so what's the mystery? If you don't want him to think he has to buy expensive stuff all the time...tell him so. Say "I love the gifts, you don 't need to spend so much on me. I already have a ton of nice jewelry from you, so some candy is fine you know..." There are ways to say this. But if you like it and don't want him to stop...I don't see what the issue is really. If it is to punish his wife does it matter? Would you feel less appreciative of it then? You seemed to suggest you felt it was wrong of him to overspend their money on you...but don't seem to mind either...so I dunno what the issue is. Enjoy it and don't bother about it especially if you can't ask him or tell him how you feel. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minnie09 Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 I really don't get the problem...:confused There is no real problem. I am actually quite happy with the situation altogether. Sorry I am confusing you. It's just that I don't quite understand the thought process behind the whole thing, and asking him is kind of useless.......I mean, what is he supposed to say, other than what he's already told me? I just wanted some input, from OW who have experience in the A thing, maybe even from guys, who engage in the same or similar behavior, that's all. Maybe there IS a hidden agenda. I just like to learn about people and understand them better. Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 (edited) Why feel guilty about the gifts? I've heard that when a man loves and cares for a woman he buys her jewelry, flowers, chocolate - you know, gifts that have sentimental value. If he wasn't buying you gifts and showing you appreciates you then he's just using you for sex. So, good for you. Be glad you're the one he loves and cares about and leave it at that. Which would you rather: a guy who shows you how much he appreciates you or a guy that saches out after he has sex with you and doesn't show any kind of appreciation? The latter should be a deal breaker. Edited August 30, 2014 by chelsea2011 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GypsumSatellite Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Mine didn't start overspending (in my eyes) until later in our A. It started as meals then grew into him asking me if I'd like a bauble or new outfit or something else. Perhaps the MM feels overspending on the OW is a way of 'taking care' of her, especially if his W perhaps is accustomed to paying her own way financially or takes care of her own needs without him? And in the case of my MM, I'm fairly sure it's his way of subtly getting back at his W. It seems much of the A has had that undertone. Link to post Share on other sites
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