izzybelle Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 sigh..... i have such mixed feelings about all of this and because i'm in a situation where it could come up, it's very much on my mind. and i know, in the end, regardless of my mixed feelings, i know i will come clean with whoever i eventually get seriously invovled with. i know myself too well, to know that i could ever just keep that hidden. Link to post Share on other sites
Nubianangel Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Cheer up sweetie! It's not as complex as it seems. You can do one of two things: Keep it to yourself. After all when it comes to matters of the heart, what's happened before that current or potential someone came into your life, is none of their business. It's all about what happens once you're in a relationship with him or her. Your past is just that, YOUR PAST. Or perhaps you're like me. I'm painfully honest and at times I think I should keep things to myself but I can't seem to , especially when I'm in a relationship. I bare my soul because I want to feel that my man accepts me for me, faults and all. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Or perhaps you're like me. I'm painfully honest and at times I think I should keep things to myself but I can't seem to , especially when I'm in a relationship. I bare my soul because I want to feel that my man accepts me for me, faults and all. this is EXACTLY it. my life, including my past, has always become an open book to those i've been in a serious relationship with, and it is exactly for those reasons. i want to know that they accept all of me, faults and everything, that there is no chance of them ever saying that i'm not who they thought i was. and honestly, it's always worked well for me. i've never had anyone ditch me because they somehow found out something about me that they didn't already know. my life, my soul and all of me has always been an open book for those i fell in love with. and i guess it's hard for me to get my mind wrapped around that thought that i might not do that anymore. i know there's the option of just saying that it was a serious relationship that went sour, and not provide details, which i think may be my approach to things this weekend. the guy i've been seeing for a few weeks now, i think, is starting to get pretty serious, and i'm just not there, i'm not ready, i'm not healed, and i'm not sure about him. so i know the at least partially honest way that i'm going to have to deal with that is to let him know that my heart and other parts of my psyche were stomped on last year and i'm still picking up the pieces. i know that alone may easily send him running in the opposite direction. and i'm ok with that. Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Nubian, Nice to see you posting again!!!!!!!!!! How have you been? Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 so i had a moment of panic tonight in relation to this post. i had a long talk with the single guy i've been seeing today about my fears in getting involved with someone, i'd been hurt, etc. etc. etc. i was pleased that he has the same views, taking things slowly and all the other stuff that made me feel so much more comfortable that i wasn't getting in over my head, or leading him on. in any case, he asked me at one point if the guy who had hurt me so badly last year was single or married. so... i confessed. he didn't seem to make a big deal about it, and we made some tentative plans to get together tomorrow night. then later when i called to let him know what my plans for the early evening were, i couldn't get in touch. in all the time we've been seeing each other, about a month, he's only not answered his phone twice. well, he ended up with 4 missed calls from me on his phone and i'm sure he thought something was really wrong!! so, after reading everything here, i started to think maybe i'd f'd up! and he doesn't have voice mail. well, he was at a movie, he wasn't avoiding me and he doesn't care about my past relationships! so chalk one up for a decent guy who doesn't care that i was an OW! Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 yay!! they do exist! Link to post Share on other sites
liswil Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 I've dated others. I don't tell them. None of the dates has gone too far (not because of MM but because of chemistry, etc...) If it went further and I was STILL involved with MM then yes, I would tell the person. Link to post Share on other sites
Nubianangel Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Originally posted by fanou22 Nubian, Nice to see you posting again!!!!!!!!!! How have you been? Hi fanou22! I've been well and life has been good. Nice to see YOU again, hope all is well for you too. Just been living life, left the dramatic situation I was in (being the OW), found a good man and within 5.5 months lost him due to my own selfish behavior but I realized I'm still a work in progress. At this time, I'm happily single and rediscovering ME and having a hell of a lot of fun doing it! To everyone else, sorry, didn't mean to go off topic. Link to post Share on other sites
DoggyDog Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 So tell me, how do you cover up 20+ years with a MM when you meet someone new. Do you lie and say you were in a LDR and he was wonderful to me but it didn't work out. I'm questioning how I will ever handle 20 yrsz of my life when asked. I'm thinking of covering up that time and lieing about the "MM" part. Just saying I was in love and now I'm free. Not telling the truth of a long part of my life will be so hard for me as I've always been honest. But now I am "ASHAMED" to an extent of being so long with a MM and now having NOTHING but memories. What is truly right or wrong in how to deal with meeting someone you might like and not telling him what a fool you've been in love with a MM. God I hate myself now. It's going on 4 months for me and everyday I still have MM in my thoughts. I cannot try to meet someone yet....I'm not ready to go out and truly have no single friends left. Sad but true. Take care, DD Link to post Share on other sites
LadyRLD Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Your post almost had me in tears. You can tell someone about the 20 year relationship. But after you get over it, you probably wouldn't be interested in bringing it up. I feel that the only way I would even bring up the relationship is if there were still feelings. Then I would know that I am not ready to date. Give yourself time. It's only been 4 months which is good that you didn't contact him. 20 years is a long time to love someone. I think you should wait until you are truly ready before you start dating someone else. Sometimes dating someone too soon could make you more sad. Hang in there. We are all here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 DD, don't hate yourself, you're out. hey, it's been over 6 mos. for me. no he's not on my mind every minute but he's there with me a lot of the time. and because i was "confessing" yesterday to the single guy, MM was on my mind more and i slipped and called (fingers just pushed the buttons without my knowledge). bad, bad izzy.... oh well, i do want to preserve the friendship we have, it's important to me and while i miss talking to him, i didn't get those "oh god, i don't want to hang up" feelings that i used to. not even remotely close to tears or lapsing into the i don't know what i'll do without you feelings.... so, he's a part of me and that's all there is to it. as for your case, if it makes you uncomfortable just go the safe route. involved in a serious relationship that ended. too painful to talk about, whatever you feel you need to say to feel ok with talking about it. and in time, when you're ready little bits and pieces may come out. and you were with him a long time. oh dd, my heart goes out to you for many reasons, but mostly for having the strength to begin that long walk. it's taken me a loooong time to be ready to date. had more long discussions with SG about that last night. he's only the 2nd guy since MM and the other guy was mostly just talking on the phone. he knows i'm having a hard time letting go. so SG says i need to get out and date more....i kind of like this relationship, getting dating advice from a guy i'm dating! and from another guy who's interested in dating me, just not right now... the world has gotten very strange. i have very, very few single friends left although there seem to be more of them divorcing on a daily basis. it's sad out there. i know so many couples in trouble right now... a number of them because of affairs. and one of the couples is my first MM...and no, their split isn't my fault, or at least it happened well over a year after the A ended and the W doesn't know about it. hang in there DD, i'm also struggling finding single guys at the moment. and having the strength to want to put myself out there. and i know each city, whatever seems to be a little diff. and haven't quite figured it out here yet. no shortage of MMs and passes, but single guys are a diff. story. izzy Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 ((hugs)) to you DD you are not ready but you will be, dont hate yourself, you dont deserve it listen everybody has their secrets, you dont have to tell anyone but you dont need to be ashamed of it, there isnt a single person you pass each day on the street who doesnt have something they are ashamed of its only been 4 months, you'll feel better, you'll see keep giving yourself the love that you deserve what are you doing to help you get through this? Link to post Share on other sites
DoggyDog Posted March 16, 2005 Share Posted March 16, 2005 Newby..in reply...I'm doing absolutely nothing to get thru this. I feel like right now this is what I'm content in doing....NOTHING. I did write a long post last night to all of your guys, but I see that it never went thru....these computer s_____k sometimes. If I can remember, it just says that LS and you OW in this forum have been very helpful for me. We are here for a reason to hear and help each other....I think I've helped you guys too in some small way. There is a SG who I've known and he asked me out....Well, your right..I'm not ready and I told him when I am I will call him....but truly, I can't even picture myself talking over a few drinks with him or anyone else. The original post is how us OW should or shouldn't tell of our MM relationships. I WILL NOT...I've already told my sister never to mention MM and me ever, if I should someday introduce a NEW MAN (single) to her. It's not hiding that I think many of us are doing....it's called "self preservation"....being able to put the hurt that the MM relationship caused us after it's over, and pretend that this person you are talking to is fun and free and kind and loving a woman that we know we are. Yes, I hurt and I'm sure you do to...so why stir up emotions that bring us back to that painful time by telling a new man your weakest and most hurtful moments. I would rather tell him I had a kind, loving, and caring man that was LDR and we just couldn't make the moves to be together. I'm comfortable with that scenerio and maybe I really will believe it if I say it enough. It's really not lying, but then, it kinda is...but for me and maybe others, saying you had a loving man to another man, would give him more incentive to make sure he can also give you nice things and be compassionate, and caring. My MM was that...believe me, so that is why I would say....let your new man think you had a wonderful man but it just didn't work out. Take Care, L DD Link to post Share on other sites
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