Can't believe it

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope,

 

Don't pick up **** that isn't yours.

 

Thank you.

 

I love this quote - it should be my signature!

 

Hope,

 

I'm amazed by your grace...not that I don think you are capable, that's not what I mean at all. Ill most likely not explain it right so let me just say I'm proud of you for standing your ground with both of these men and for not allowing either of them to manipulate you nor make you doubt yourself.

 

You have come such a long way and, in case you were wondering, you are a dang amazing woman. I hope you are proud of the woman you see in the mirror. You've been through a lot and you pull no punches, but you have compassion and a tender heart, as evidenced by your emotions after finding out about xMM. I'm glad you are staying the course with the lawsuit. That is money owed to you and your beneficiaries and whether you need it to live off of or not, debts and loans must be repaid, period. Part of the problem with society is the "gimme gimme gimme" attitude of the younger generations and thy need to see that if you borrow something, you pay it back..that is your financial obligation no matter the status of the relationship. Pay your debts, work hard and treat others as you want to be treated.

 

Off my soapbox....just want to say you are pretty awesome.

 

The guy who wins your heart is gonna be in for a lifetime of happiness and excitement!

 

You made me cry. I don't deserve that from you and I don't know what to say. Except thank you.

 

The reason I am here and walking around still on this earth is because of this forum. Literally. People here saved my life back when I needed saving. How do you ever thank total strangers for doing something like that? There are no words.

[Poppy47]

This man is mentally unstable. I have read this thread since the beginning and he obviously had "issues".

 

Aren't you glad the you didn't end up with him???? What a blessing.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't give him a second thought. He has been the architect of his own undoing.

 

Poppy.

[jellybean89]

Hope, how are things going?

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope, how are things going?

 

Thank you for asking jellybean...

 

I am really doing okay. I'm doing so much better than I was a year ago. Maybe you can tell by my posts, I don't know.

 

The issue with ex-MM attempting suicide would have probably killed me had it happened a year or more ago. But if anything I think it made me stronger; made me realize that this is really on HIM. This is the kind of drama/crap that he did - same as he did before although in different forms - and it has nothing to do with me. It's him.

 

I haven't spoken with him and have no desire to. I could ask how he is doing through our mutual friends but I don't have any desire to do that either. He is going to repay the loan and those arrangements are made. None of that happens very fast but it will happen.

 

One thing that I have done is to forgive him. Don't take that the wrong way - I don't mean that I have forgotten all the lies, the drama, the incredible pain. I never will. But in order to move on - REALLY move on - I had to forgive him. I never want to speak to him again and I am more than comfortable with that. The door is closed and locked. If he ever approached me again for anything, that is what he will find. But the hurt and resentment were eating me up inside and were keeping me from really moving on. So I (silently) forgave him, and I have found that doing that has given me the freedom to see him as he really was - not a person that I ever want to be with. It is a much better place to be than hating him, being angry, etc - all those emotions were too much energy to waste on it and on him. He didn't deserve that much of me.

 

I also have decided to focus on things other than dating and relationships for awhile. So I am building on different things that matter to me, and trying to involve my daughter (middle-school age). She is a very kind and sensitive soul like me. We are focusing on kindness to others and developing strength and self-love.

 

I learned about some classes that a friend of a friend teaches (in another part of the country) to girls my daughters' age that focus on self-love - giving them strength to be individuals and to love themselves for what is unique and special about them. What I would really like to do is start classes like that here for kids - I'm looking into that now. The classes are really wonderful and give the girls courage to be - and love- themselves. I think that kind of thing goes a long ways to help them make good decisions as adults and to always respect themselves and others when making those decisions.

 

In the meantime my daughter has become an advocate against bullying and for being kind to others in her large middle school. She is becoming known for it, and has befriended many really wonderful kids who others shunned or bullied because they were 'different'. She has a huge group of friends!

 

Maybe that is more than you wanted to know But yes, I am doing well and I feel like I am on my way to making a difference to other people. It's a much better place for me to be than when I was sucked into an affair with a married man and focused only on my own selfish pain and misery and wants and desires.

Edited November 9, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[jellybean89]

Thank you for asking jellybean...

 

I am really doing okay. I'm doing so much better than I was a year ago. Maybe you can tell by my posts, I don't know.

**Yes, I can tell the change in you from a year ago; almost like night and day, in a much healthier, positive way if that makes sense.

 

The issue with ex-MM attempting suicide would have probably killed me had it happened a year or more ago. But if anything I think it made me stronger; made me realize that this is really on HIM. This is the kind of drama/crap that he did - same as he did before although in different forms - and it has nothing to do with me. It's him.

 

**That alone is a huge change, again in a positive way. You are so right, it is HIM, not you.

 

I haven't spoken with him and have no desire to. I could ask how he is doing through our mutual friends but I don't have any desire to do that either. He is going to repay the loan and those arrangements are made. None of that happens very fast but it will happen.

 

**Very happy you chose to keep things going with the repayment. Yes, it will take time, but it is something that you are owed and he needs to repay it. Shows again how far you have come. Good for you!

 

One thing that I have done is to forgive him. Don't take that the wrong way - I don't mean that I have forgotten all the lies, the drama, the incredible pain. I never will. But in order to move on - REALLY move on - I had to forgive him. I never want to speak to him again and I am more than comfortable with that. The door is closed and locked. If he ever approached me again for anything, that is what he will find. But the hurt and resentment were eating me up inside and were keeping me from really moving on. So I (silently) forgave him, and I have found that doing that has given me the freedom to see him as he really was - not a person that I ever want to be with. It is a much better place to be than hating him, being angry, etc - all those emotions were too much energy to waste on it and on him. He didn't deserve that much of me.

 

**This is the best part of your post. You had to forgive him, and yourself. The pain was killing you and not allowing you to move forward with your life. It colored everything in your life. I bet it felt like a huge weight has been lifted off you and the world is full of beauty; and it opened up yourself to be able to enjoy life so much more. You didn't deserve all that energy or head/heart space and I am glad you let him go, finally and permanently.

 

I also have decided to focus on things other than dating and relationships for awhile. So I am building on different things that matter to me, and trying to involve my daughter (middle-school age). She is a very kind and sensitive soul like me. We are focusing on kindness to others and developing strength and self-love.

 

*What an amazing journey to take with your daughter. She has a great role model in her mom and I think focusing on this will help her as she goes forward with her life and it also helps you with finding a 'project' to help others and to make a difference.

 

I learned about some classes that a friend of a friend teaches (in another part of the country) to girls my daughters' age that focus on self-love - giving them strength to be individuals and to love themselves for what is unique and special about them. What I would really like to do is start classes like that here for kids - I'm looking into that now. The classes are really wonderful and give the girls courage to be - and love- themselves. I think that kind of thing goes a long ways to help them make good decisions as adults and to always respect themselves and others when making those decisions.

 

In the meantime my daughter has become an advocate against bullying and for being kind to others in her large middle school. She is becoming known for it, and has befriended many really wonderful kids who others shunned or bullied because they were 'different'. She has a huge group of friends!

 

*Wow. What a great idea...the classes and doing one local for those in your community. Girls need more of this type of understanding - there are too many whose world is sexting, dressing like little tramps and all above boys. Girls have got to realize they are more than boobs and butts and while God may have blessed them with beauty, life is more than being pretty. I have a niece who is 11, but looks 17 and her parents are constantly talking about how the other girls are 'jealous' of her, how the mom and daughter share clothes and are the best of friends. They obviously haven't learned that their role is parents, not friend. My niece needs to attend a class like you are putting together; but with her parents behaving the way they are, sadly, she will not 'get it' because it has been drummed into her head that she is beautiful and that is all she needs in life. She has an instagram account where she posts pictures of herself in bikini's and dressed sexy and she is all excited that she has 1000+ followers. I do not understand my sibling's decision to promote this way of thinking and having strangers 'following' her selfies.

 

Maybe that is more than you wanted to know But yes, I am doing well and I feel like I am on my way to making a difference to other people. It's a much better place for me to be than when I was sucked into an affair with a married man and focused only on my own selfish pain and misery and wants and desires.

 

Responses in bold above.

 

Hope, I am very happy for you. You seem to have turned a corner (again, in a positive way) and you have found that releasing the hate and choosing forgiveness have allowed you to become free from the past....which can only be a positive force in your life. You are on such a healthier and happier path - and I am very happy for you. I wish you the best.

[Lovebug66]

Hope, I am so proud of you You are a wonderful example of perseverance and strength and it also shows what a great woman you are that you pass that along to others who are struggling.

 

I loved your whole post, but I loved the part about forgiveness most too. Forgiveness is truly a gift we give ourselves that helps release us from our own self destruction.

 

Your kids are lucky to have you as their mom

[Hope Shimmers]

Thank you I really appreciate the kind words

 

This is the first year in all the years since I was with ex-MM that I am excited about Christmas, my favorite holiday. My daughter and I went shopping today and spent way too much money on Christmas decorations for the house. But wow, how great to be excited about life again!

 

I am so excited about the classes for girls. They aren't didactic classes but are group learning experiences/classes with really fun activities and working with each other and learning from each other. These girls are at such a vulnerable age (mostly 12-14 years) and so much peer pressure. Many don't get the message from their parents so they end up thinking poorly of themselves and making bad decisions trying to find their way and who they are.

 

At the end of the class (which lasts a full day) there is a sense of solidarity, togetherness, and strength that was not there before.

 

I'm sorry about your niece. Not good things to come from that. I hope she can turn it around. She very well may.

 

My daughter is 14 and physically beautiful, but she is modest and not seeking attention for that and I don't want that to ever be her focus. I don't think it will. Her beautiful heart and soul are the important things.

 

I have taught her the 'random acts of kindness' that I have been doing too. Just things that make people believe in others, every day - maybe in the drive-thru for McDonald's I will pay for the next 2 cars' meals. Maybe the same at the toll booth. Maybe just a smile for someone who needs it. Maybe a verbal compliment to a parent about how well-behaved their child is when I witness it in public. Everyone needs those things.

 

Thanks again.

[jellybean89]

lovebugs said it best -- you can see the strength in you from your recent posts. It's been amazing to watch you on this journey - not that the journey has been 'fun' for you - lots of heartache and sadness -- but you are on a new path and there are sure to be blessings galore for you and your daughter.

 

Glad you are excited about the upcoming holidays -- I've had a real crappy 2 years and I am hoping and praying this years holidays are better than the last couple. I have hope - without hope, there is nothing and I have faith that the struggles are giving way to healthier and happier times...from my lips to God's ears

 

As a family, for the last few years, we pay it forward during the holidays (and individually throughout the year). We will pay off a family's lay away this year, as that is what the group decision was for this year. Each person contributes what they would have spent on each other and together we will chose the family to help. Previous years included working in a soup kitchen and volunteering at the local hospital during the week of Christmas and New Years. I admit part of it is selfish - the good feelings we all come away with and reflecting on the blessings we have, fills our hearts with love and faith...and helping those less fortunate than we have been. We try to keep these feelings alive throughout the year - like you - we pay for others at Starbucks, we help elderly with packages and small acts of kindness. None of us know how long we will be here and I'd rather exist with happiness than sadness and that is what we keep in the forefront of our minds.

 

Blessings to you and yours Hope.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope, I am so proud of you You are a wonderful example of perseverance and strength and it also shows what a great woman you are that you pass that along to others who are struggling.

 

I loved your whole post, but I loved the part about forgiveness most too. Forgiveness is truly a gift we give ourselves that helps release us from our own self destruction.

 

Your kids are lucky to have you as their mom

 

Thank you so much!!! I'm not sure I deserve that, but I'll take it. I wasn't the best mom for awhile there, but I guess it was a growing experience and hopefully for my kids too.

[Hope Shimmers]

lovebugs said it best -- you can see the strength in you from your recent posts. It's been amazing to watch you on this journey - not that the journey has been 'fun' for you - lots of heartache and sadness -- but you are on a new path and there are sure to be blessings galore for you and your daughter.

 

Glad you are excited about the upcoming holidays -- I've had a real crappy 2 years and I am hoping and praying this years holidays are better than the last couple. I have hope - without hope, there is nothing and I have faith that the struggles are giving way to healthier and happier times...from my lips to God's ears

 

As a family, for the last few years, we pay it forward during the holidays (and individually throughout the year). We will pay off a family's lay away this year, as that is what the group decision was for this year. Each person contributes what they would have spent on each other and together we will chose the family to help. Previous years included working in a soup kitchen and volunteering at the local hospital during the week of Christmas and New Years. I admit part of it is selfish - the good feelings we all come away with and reflecting on the blessings we have, fills our hearts with love and faith...and helping those less fortunate than we have been. We try to keep these feelings alive throughout the year - like you - we pay for others at Starbucks, we help elderly with packages and small acts of kindness. None of us know how long we will be here and I'd rather exist with happiness than sadness and that is what we keep in the forefront of our minds.

 

Blessings to you and yours Hope.

 

Thank you. I am sorry this has been a tough couple of years for you. If there is anything I can ever do to help you please let me know. I know I haven't always been nice to you, and I am sorry for that. Just another learning experience for me.

 

I love what you do for the holidays! Maybe as you say that some of it is selfish (feel good) but that is a good way to be selfish for everyone involved. I love the idea of paying a layaway and your family forgoing the presents to do that. That is an incredible act of love and kindness for those who need it.

 

I wish you peace my friend.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Hope,

 

Some life lessons hit us to the core. I feel sad for those that do not take the time to grow from a difficult experience.

 

Like yourself, I am much more aware of those that share this time on earth with me.

 

I learned that we always have choice. Choice to leave light in our wake....or darkness. I choose light. No matter how insignificant the encounter...I try to give the best of me.

 

Now....that is not to say...that those that choose to treat me in a disrespectful manner will be allowed to. I am well versed at self advocating.

 

I like what you had to say about forgiveness. Too often it gets confused with being okay with the status quo...that the person gets to stay in your life. One can forgive....and also cut you out of their life. It is the decision...the daily choice...to not give the offender/s power over you. I think this forgiveness is the easiest...as you (general) only have to rely on yourself for it....you require nothing from the other party. Some call it acceptance.

 

I admire your strength.....it ain't easy to hold ourselves accountable to ourselves at FIRST. But it does get easier....heck...it becomes empowering to know...really know...our mettle...and it was inside us the whole time. Untapped.

 

Your children are going to remember this Hope....because this Hope made them feel good about themselves. What a great gift for everyone.

 

You ROCK!!!!!!

[Lovebug66]

Thank you so much!!! I'm not sure I deserve that, but I'll take it. I wasn't the best mom for awhilee there, but I guess it was a growing experience and hopefully for my kids too.

 

You do deserve that! (Soap box moment) Kids aren't taught enough that life isn't "fair". What you have taught them is life isn't always fair, and bad things can happen to good people, but you dust yourself off and come out stronger because of it. I can just picture what a wonderful daughter you have, that values herself and others.

 

I know I wasn't the best mom for awhile too, and sometimes I look at my son and think how are you turning out so awesome? I guess there is something I did right, and you have too

[Hope Shimmers]

I thought I would post an update for those who might still remember this drama.

 

He has been continuing to pay me every month. He has even made a couple of extra payments (is working some overtime, apparently).

 

He has reached out to me to remain friends, which I have not responded to. But we are civil and respectful. Maybe things will work out so that I don't have to go to my grave hating this man. That hurts probably more than anything.

[beach]

I thought I would post an update for those who might still remember this drama.

 

He has been continuing to pay me every month. He has even made a couple of extra payments (is working some overtime, apparently).

 

He has reached out to me to remain friends, which I have not responded to. But we are civil and respectful. Maybe things will work out so that I don't have to go to my grave hating this man. That hurts probably more than anything.

 

 

That is great news Hope! Glad you're getting payments and he's finally realizing it's his obligation to pay.

 

I hope you can learn to feel neutral or nothing for him in the future. I've learned how to do that about my exH - it took me a ton of work with professionals to get there but it's worth it. When I see him (which is rare) it feels as if I'm looking at a complete stranger. It's freedom not handing him my power anymore.

[Hope Shimmers]

That is great news Hope! Glad you're getting payments and he's finally realizing it's his obligation to pay.

 

I hope you can learn to feel neutral or nothing for him in the future. I've learned how to do that about my exH - it took me a ton of work with professionals to get there but it's worth it. When I see him (which is rare) it feels as if I'm looking at a complete stranger. It's freedom not handing him my power anymore.

 

Thanks so much beach. I feel like I am neutral towards him now, but I don't have to literally be around him (which is something that won't change).

 

What you say about having freedom by keeping your power instead of handing it to him - that is SO true. I'm glad you were able to get there, and I totally understand how important that is.

[MuddyFootprints]

I don't know how I've missed so many updates! I'm so happy for you and how you have worked through all of this. Yay, you!

[Josmatjes]

Also respond to every email of his with a bible scripture. Nothing else.

 

Yes... This!

I would contact his wife with copies of the notes and the certificates of your child ( so sorry)... Then tell her that if they don't send you the money you will take them to court then it will all come out.

You did nothing wrong, he will one out looking bad.

Good luck:)

[Josmatjes]

I posted my reply before I read the updates... I'm so sorry bout that!

 

I'm really happy for you and your daughter... You sound like an amazing mom and she is lucky to have you!!

Glad he is paying and I'm glad you are healing.

 

What does not kill us, makes us stronger!!

 

You are proof!????

[Clay]

I am really sorry about the loss of your child. That is so hard. I can't imagine the pain you live with. I hope I am not bringing up old wounds I just wanted to express to you my sadness for your loss.

 

I think the money is still your xMM connection to you. I know its a lot of money but some times its just best to cut your losses and learn from your experiences. As long as he feels he has a connection to you he will continue to try.

 

Keep strong and don't let this guy in for a second.

 

Clay

[jellybean89]

Glad he is honoring his financial responsibilities to you - as he should. Too bad it took lawyers to get him to do the right thing.

 

I think you can get to a point of indifference...I think you are well on your way there (if not there already).

 

You have grown so dang much in the last couple of years and you should be damn proud of yourself.

 

2015 is going to be great year for Hope, and mini-Hope!

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks so much everyone. I really appreciate the kind words. I really can't put into words the difference between how I felt a couple of years ago, and now.

 

Glad he is honoring his financial responsibilities to you - as he should. Too bad it took lawyers to get him to do the right thing.

 

I think you can get to a point of indifference...I think you are well on your way there (if not there already).

 

You have grown so dang much in the last couple of years and you should be damn proud of yourself.

 

2015 is going to be great year for Hope, and mini-Hope!

 

Thank you jellybean We are determined to make this year the best ever! I hope it is for you too -

[TG1]

Never in a million years did I think I would be posting this.

 

I came home yesterday afternoon and there was a note on my door. From ex-MM. Saying he was in town for the weekend, something work-related apparently (he lives on the other side of the country). He wanted to know if he could see me.

 

I was so upset at the thought that he might come to the door again today that I actually stayed in a hotel last night and just got home about an hour ago. No more notes on the door, but he called my phone and left a message saying that he would like to get together.

 

I have no idea why, what he wants to do/say, or even if he is alone this weekend or has his wife with him. I feel like an idiot but I can't - just cannot - see him. Not for any reason. I haven't spent any time with him since the week we spent together several years ago when we conceived our daughter. I CAN'T see him. What does he want?!?!?

 

Tonight I am going to bed early and shut out all the lights and not answer the door. Hoping he won't come to the house again.

 

But either way you guys do share a daughter together so you guys will always be connected or bonded as it were for that very reason so either way you guys are going to have to talk especially if you do have a daughter together

[sandylee1]

But either way you guys do share a daughter together so you guys will always be connected or bonded as it were for that very reason so either way you guys are going to have to talk especially if you do have a daughter together

 

Tgi

 

They don't have a daughter together. Hope lost the baby at 22 weeks.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi everyone, I thought I would do one last update on this as sort of a finale. Those who know me here and know my story through this username and my last one, may get some Hope from it that there is huge light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I posted on another thread somewhere that the ex-MM had been contacting me, sent me iphone photos of divorce papers a few weeks ago (unsigned ). And has been calling and emailing since then. I have ignored those.

 

It has been building up and I listened to a short voice mail he left 2 days ago. It asked me to give him five minutes on the phone. When he called the next day, I did.

 

He said "hang in there", whatever that means. Then he said he made a mistake. Then he started talking about how he is so lonely. And exhausted working 2 jobs. I said, "too bad you didn't take me up on my offer all those years ago to be together, because if you had, you would not have to be working at all right now." He said nothing and I hung up.

 

Not that it was ever about money, but the point was that money is not an issue for me so I made that go away as a barrier for him at the time; still it wasn't good enough.

 

The best part is that I have a good female friend who knows all of this background stuff with ex-MM and I told her I was going to take his call and put an end to this crap. She emailed me the day after I did that, and I replied to her and literally FORGOT to even tell her about that call. I forgot that I even talked to him until about 2 hours after I sent the email and realized I hadn't answered her question.

 

So yes, you can get these worthless men OUT of your mind space. If I can, anyone can. I would say that apathy feels wonderful, but the truth is, apathy feels like nothing. Exactly what I wanted.

 

And it doesn't hurt that there is a guy who is a thousand times the man that ex-MM is who now occupies my brain space.

Edited May 6, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[Popsicle]

Hi everyone, I thought I would do one last update on this as sort of a finale. Those who know me here and know my story through this username and my last one, may get some Hope from it that there is huge light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I posted on another thread somewhere that the ex-MM had been contacting me, sent me iphone photos of divorce papers a few weeks ago (unsigned ). And has been calling and emailing since then. I have ignored those.

 

It has been building up and I listened to a short voice mail he left 2 days ago. It asked me to give him five minutes on the phone. When he called the next day, I did.

 

He said "hang in there", whatever that means. Then he said he made a mistake. Then he started talking about how he is so lonely. And exhausted working 2 jobs. I said, "too bad you didn't take me up on my offer all those years ago to be together, because if you had, you would not have to be working at all right now." He said nothing and I hung up.

 

Not that it was ever about money, but the point was that money is not an issue for me so I made that go away as a barrier for him at the time; still it wasn't good enough.

 

The best part is that I have a good female friend who knows all of this background stuff with ex-MM and I told her I was going to take his call and put an end to this crap. She emailed me the day after I did that, and I replied to her and literally FORGOT to even tell her about that call. I forgot that I even talked to him until about 2 hours after I sent the email and realized I hadn't answered her question.

 

So yes, you can get these worthless men OUT of your mind space. If I can, anyone can. I would say that apathy feels wonderful, but the truth is, apathy feels like nothing. Exactly what I wanted.

 

And it doesn't hurt that there is a guy who is a thousand times the man that ex-MM is who now occupies my brain space.

 

Wow! Good for you. Let him eat that!