Can't believe it

[herself]

I guess no one knows what they would do until the situation arises.

And now you know you were able to be strong.

Id say about 50% or more of the xaps on here would have taken the opportunity to see the xap.

Admittedly my heart somedays yearns for a platonic coffee date, maybe even laced with the selfish desire to show Ive moved on, Im ok without you, I look good still...all those silly self serving but fruitless desires.

 

But not you Hope...you declined, you didnt break nc, you even put measures in place to make sure he didnt get through. Wow! Such strength. One final step would be to block his # and email. I know you wont be tempted just saying you dont even need to see or hear his messages. Sounds like this is a personal closure for you.

So inspiring and awesome.

[Meretchen]

The nerve this guy has is really something else! I hope you are doing OK - what a shock

[Daisy2013]

Good for you on standing strong. You are an amazing and smart woman with all you've been through, and how you are handling. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Keep going, and the best to you. I'm sure there are many of us who hope to reach your frame of mind of not wanting him and able to stick with it. I'm one of them. I hope you slept well last night.

[beach]

Hope - you ok today?

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks - I'm okay. Nothing last night - and I did the bubble bath recommendation and got a lot of sleep. I was gone most of today running errands and just got home. No notes on the door or anywhere else, and I don't know if he called because I have my phone shut off and haven't turned it back on yet.

 

It was interesting (and helpful) to read the responses to my thread because I am mad too. There are 2 primary reasons - the first is his nonpayment of the loan and the second is his refusal to just leave me alone. The first raises my systolic blood pressure 40 points and the second raises my diastolic blood pressure 40 points. This a**hole is not worth having a stroke over.

 

For the person who asked, I blocked his number a long time ago but he always uses different (I assume disposable) phones. Changing my phone number or e-mail would be pointless because it is published on my company Web site and he knows it.

 

As for contacting his W (again), that never did anything in the past and I can't imagine it would do anything now. He knows that too.

 

I am pi$$ed when I just want to be nothing. I am tempted to call him and tell him to deliver me the damn money he owes me.

Edited September 1, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[beach]

Thanks - I'm okay. Nothing last night - and I did the bubble bath recommendation and got a lot of sleep. I was gone most of today running errands and just got home. No notes on the door or anywhere else, and I don't know if he called because I have my phone shut off and haven't turned it back on yet.

 

It was interesting (and helpful) to read the responses to my thread because I am mad too. There are 2 primary reasons - the first is his nonpayment of the loan and the second is his refusal to just leave me alone. The first raises my systolic blood pressure 40 points and the second raises my diastolic blood pressure 40 points. This a**hole is not worth having a stroke over.

 

For the person who asked, I blocked his number a long time ago but he always uses different (I assume disposable) phones. Changing my phone number or e-mail would be pointless because it is published on my company Web site and he knows it.

 

As for contacting his W (again), that never did anything in the past and I can't imagine it would do anything now. He knows that too.

 

I am pi$$ed when I just want to be nothing. I am tempted to call him and tell him to deliver me the damn money he owes me.

 

Well - that is something! I vote yes, tell him you want it now!

[DKT3]

Thanks - I'm okay. Nothing last night - and I did the bubble bath recommendation and got a lot of sleep. I was gone most of today running errands and just got home. No notes on the door or anywhere else, and I don't know if he called because I have my phone shut off and haven't turned it back on yet.

 

It was interesting (and helpful) to read the responses to my thread because I am mad too. There are 2 primary reasons - the first is his nonpayment of the loan and the second is his refusal to just leave me alone. The first raises my systolic blood pressure 40 points and the second raises my diastolic blood pressure 40 points. This a**hole is not worth having a stroke over.

 

For the person who asked, I blocked his number a long time ago but he always uses different (I assume disposable) phones. Changing my phone number or e-mail would be pointless because it is published on my company Web site and he knows it.

 

As for contacting his W (again), that never did anything in the past and I can't imagine it would do anything now. He knows that too.

 

I am pi$$ed when I just want to be nothing. I am tempted to call him and tell him to deliver me the damn money he owes me.

 

I was alittle worried about you. Sent you a PM.

 

About the money, tell to drop it off and kick rocks.

 

Proud of you for staying strong.

[beach]

Since he continues to bother you - you have every right to start demanding your money from him.

 

I'd bet he goes really quiet as soon as you demand it from him.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well I called him and demanded my money back. It's not like it was a small amount of money - five figures!

 

Huge mistake. HUGE.

 

He said something about how I have put him in a horrible position when I know he can't pay it back, and now he's stressed, etc, etc. Then he said something to me in a high-and-mighty tone about how I don't appreciate the Bible and then the religion thing started in. I told him I thought it was interesting that he suddenly is such a religious Godly man and how he manages to do that while constructing this nice little world in his life in which he has NOT told his wife most of what happened between us. I mentioned that I wonder how she would react if I sent her a copy of our daughter's birth and death certificates.

 

Not that I ever intended to do this. I don't want to hurt her and I know she doesn't want to know. If I wanted to blow his world out of the water then I would have done so long ago. But I thought it was ironic that "he" was so high-and-mighty holy despite this creative little lying mess he's got going on at home.

 

So he went off on me, saying I was "threatening" him and how that just shows my "true character". He basically said that I am a horrible person and he is being so mistreated. He said to do what I have to do and he will deal with the aftermath. That I am a "vicious, manipulative, vengeful woman". Then he hung up. I tried to call him back a couple of times (also mistakes) so I could refute that and he ignored me.

 

And now... now I feel EXACTLY the same way I did when we were in a "relationship". That is how it used to be. I just want to cry and scream!!! Every few days or so he would make up some terrible thing that I supposedly did - like dating someone else, talking about him behind his back, not answering his call soon enough - and then he would get mad at me, accuse me, and then when I tried to communicate with him to "prove" that I hadn't done it, he would ignore me on purpose. For hours or days. Meanwhile I was in a panic, begging, pleading, apologizing (for nothing), just so he would TALK to me so I could prove that I didn't do whatever the offense of that particular week was.

 

I have NEVER let anyone treat me that way. Never! But he had this way of making me feel like I was wrong, gaslighting me, then ignoring me in this passive-aggressive way so that I would drive myself crazy. Over a period of years I was crazy and suicidal and had panic attacks all the time.

 

I haven't felt that way in ages and now I feel it again! I have that same panicky feeling. I had to force myself not to keep calling him and begging for a chance to PROVE that I am not a horrible person. What the hell is WRONG with me?!?!?

 

Why does he do this to me? What does it get him?

 

Maybe you are right DKT, maybe I wanted some kind of vindication. Like for him to admit that he's an a** and yes, maybe I wanted all those years to mean something to him other than selfishness and whatever the hell reasons there possibly could be for treating someone like this. I'll never get vindication from him because he blames me for all of this. I just have to never, EVER talk to him again no matter what, but then he should LEAVE ME ALONE and stop interfering in my life! Just to validate that he can still control me I am guessing!

 

Getting involved with him was by far the worst mistake I have ever made in my life.

 

Thanks for the PM purplesorrow - almost made me cry when I read it just now.

[lovinDKT3]

Well I called him and demanded my money back. It's not like it was a small amount of money - five figures!

 

Huge mistake. HUGE.

 

He said something about how I have put him in a horrible position when I know he can't pay it back, and now he's stressed, etc, etc. Then he said something to me in a high-and-mighty tone about how I don't appreciate the Bible and then the religion thing started in. I told him I thought it was interesting that he suddenly is such a religious Godly man and how he manages to do that while constructing this nice little world in his life in which he has NOT told his wife most of what happened between us. I mentioned that I wonder how she would react if I sent her a copy of our daughter's birth and death certificates.

 

Not that I ever intended to do this. I don't want to hurt her and I know she doesn't want to know. If I wanted to blow his world out of the water then I would have done so long ago. But I thought it was ironic that "he" was so high-and-mighty holy despite this creative little lying mess he's got going on at home.

 

So he went off on me, saying I was "threatening" him and how that just shows my "true character". He basically said that I am a horrible person and he is being so mistreated. He said to do what I have to do and he will deal with the aftermath. That I am a "vicious, manipulative, vengeful woman". Then he hung up. I tried to call him back a couple of times (also mistakes) so I could refute that and he ignored me.

 

And now... now I feel EXACTLY the same way I did when we were in a "relationship". That is how it used to be. I just want to cry and scream!!! Every few days or so he would make up some terrible thing that I supposedly did - like dating someone else, talking about him behind his back, not answering his call soon enough - and then he would get mad at me, accuse me, and then when I tried to communicate with him to "prove" that I hadn't done it, he would ignore me on purpose. For hours or days. Meanwhile I was in a panic, begging, pleading, apologizing (for nothing), just so he would TALK to me so I could prove that I didn't do whatever the offense of that particular week was.

 

I have NEVER let anyone treat me that way. Never! But he had this way of making me feel like I was wrong, gaslighting me, then ignoring me in this passive-aggressive way so that I would drive myself crazy. Over a period of years I was crazy and suicidal and had panic attacks all the time.

 

I haven't felt that way in ages and now I feel it again! I have that same panicky feeling. I had to force myself not to keep calling him and begging for a chance to PROVE that I am not a horrible person. What the hell is WRONG with me?!?!?

 

Why does he do this to me? What does it get him?

 

Maybe you are right DKT, maybe I wanted some kind of vindication. Like for him to admit that he's an a** and yes, maybe I wanted all those years to mean something to him other than selfishness and whatever the hell reasons there possibly could be for treating someone like this. I'll never get vindication from him because he blames me for all of this. I just have to never, EVER talk to him again no matter what, but then he should LEAVE ME ALONE and stop interfering in my life! Just to validate that he can still control me I am guessing!

 

Getting involved with him was by far the worst mistake I have ever made in my life.

 

Thanks for the PM purplesorrow - almost made me cry when I read it just now.

 

Sorry for your pain. I won't give any advice or words of wisdom (I'm a mess myself), just here for support. Cry today, move on tomorrow.

[CarrieT]

Have you thought of taking him to small claims court for the money?

[Hope Shimmers]

Small claims court would just end up costing me more. You can't get blood from a stone.

[herself]

I feel like you should ask him how a christian man can totally take advantage of someone by not repaying a debt then salt the wound by contacting them as if your buddies.

He needs to pay you.

Bet he feels aweful after you ignored his note and phonecall.

[CarrieT]

Small claims court would just end up costing me more. You can't get blood from a stone.

 

If you say so...

 

Not sure where you live, but in California, the fee for filing in small claims court depends on the amount of the claim: $30 if the claim is for $1,500 or less, $50 if the claim is for more than $1,500 but less than or equal to $5,000, or $75 if the claim is for more than $5,000.

 

And if he is working a real job, than you could get a judgment against his paycheck so there IS blood in that stone, anyway.

[beach]

I feel like you should ask him how a christian man can totally take advantage of someone by not repaying a debt then salt the wound by contacting them as if your buddies.

He needs to pay you.

Bet he feels aweful after you ignored his note and phonecall.

 

Yep, this ^

 

I'm sorry you're hurting!

 

But he was a jerk because you want your money. He owes it and he knows it! He's just trying to be as much of a jerk as possible so you get mad and don't expect your money.

 

After him being that much of a dick - I'd go to ANY length to get my money back!!! I'm serious - make him miserable AND embarrassed! Have him served at church on a Sunday! Oops, did I say that? Yes, I did!

[thekid36]

Well I called him and demanded my money back. It's not like it was a small amount of money - five figures!

 

Huge mistake. HUGE.

 

He said something about how I have put him in a horrible position when I know he can't pay it back, and now he's stressed, etc, etc. Then he said something to me in a high-and-mighty tone about how I don't appreciate the Bible and then the religion thing started in. I told him I thought it was interesting that he suddenly is such a religious Godly man and how he manages to do that while constructing this nice little world in his life in which he has NOT told his wife most of what happened between us. I mentioned that I wonder how she would react if I sent her a copy of our daughter's birth and death certificates.

 

Not that I ever intended to do this. I don't want to hurt her and I know she doesn't want to know. If I wanted to blow his world out of the water then I would have done so long ago. But I thought it was ironic that "he" was so high-and-mighty holy despite this creative little lying mess he's got going on at home.

 

So he went off on me, saying I was "threatening" him and how that just shows my "true character". He basically said that I am a horrible person and he is being so mistreated. He said to do what I have to do and he will deal with the aftermath. That I am a "vicious, manipulative, vengeful woman". Then he hung up. I tried to call him back a couple of times (also mistakes) so I could refute that and he ignored me.

 

And now... now I feel EXACTLY the same way I did when we were in a "relationship". That is how it used to be. I just want to cry and scream!!! Every few days or so he would make up some terrible thing that I supposedly did - like dating someone else, talking about him behind his back, not answering his call soon enough - and then he would get mad at me, accuse me, and then when I tried to communicate with him to "prove" that I hadn't done it, he would ignore me on purpose. For hours or days. Meanwhile I was in a panic, begging, pleading, apologizing (for nothing), just so he would TALK to me so I could prove that I didn't do whatever the offense of that particular week was.

 

I have NEVER let anyone treat me that way. Never! But he had this way of making me feel like I was wrong, gaslighting me, then ignoring me in this passive-aggressive way so that I would drive myself crazy. Over a period of years I was crazy and suicidal and had panic attacks all the time.

 

I haven't felt that way in ages and now I feel it again! I have that same panicky feeling. I had to force myself not to keep calling him and begging for a chance to PROVE that I am not a horrible person. What the hell is WRONG with me?!?!?

 

Why does he do this to me? What does it get him?

 

Maybe you are right DKT, maybe I wanted some kind of vindication. Like for him to admit that he's an a** and yes, maybe I wanted all those years to mean something to him other than selfishness and whatever the hell reasons there possibly could be for treating someone like this. I'll never get vindication from him because he blames me for all of this. I just have to never, EVER talk to him again no matter what, but then he should LEAVE ME ALONE and stop interfering in my life! Just to validate that he can still control me I am guessing!

 

Getting involved with him was by far the worst mistake I have ever made in my life.

 

Thanks for the PM purplesorrow - almost made me cry when I read it just now.

 

Sounds as if he is rather hypocritical to be honest. Claiming to be a man of God only to act like a downright barbarian. So many people out there like this. It seriously makes me rather sick. I know you do not mean to cause any trouble on that end. You were just trying to make a very valid point. His calling you out as threatening him is nothing other than a defense mechanism. Shame on him for not taking any responsibility for his own actions.

 

 

I sense this is something which bothers you. You have every right to feel that way. The thing is that this suggests control on his end. He is basically trying to control how you feel. Whether he tends to realizes it or not. It would be in your best interest to not give him this power. You do not have to prove a single thing to this man. What he thinks and wants should not have any relevance at all. He has already wasted enough of your time at this point. Best to take your time with him as a positive. As a learning experience. Time to take control of your own life back again.

[Popsicle]

Funny how some people know how to twist things around no matter what happens to make themselves out to be the victim. This is the sign of someone who will never take any responsibility. There are people in prison who did/do that. I'm sorry you've had to deal with someone like that, HS.

[fllygirl]

I feel like he showed up for more free money, but when he realized he is not only getting more, he must pay old debt, he got so angry. I would take him to small court if you are both agreed it was a loan.

[2sunny]

I'd blow his loan wide open for all his family to know.

 

That's what he's afraid if - that - and that you actually expect him to repay it.

 

He obviously doesn't intend to repay you - so make sure he has to. Even a little at a time it a payment plan.

 

 

His manipulative tactics of name calling was just a gas lighting tactic. He seems skilled at that - don't fall for his childish means of browbeating you.

 

Looks narcissistic too - are you sure he's not my ex husband? Gawd, looks like him!

 

 

Small claims would just determine if he owes you. Then they'd set up a way for him to start paying you back.

 

For a small filing fee it might be worth considering...

Edited September 2, 2014 by 2sunny

[MuddyFootprints]

I must admit initial shock and disappointment upon reading your update. Damn, girl!

 

After reading what transpired I'm conflicted. I truly want you to take care of yourself emotionally and I want you to get your power back!

 

This latest contact gave him control and I hate that nearly as much as you do.

 

Now, it has become a new power struggle and I'm almost on side with you going for his balls.

 

But, in the long run, is it going to be healthy for you? Will getting that money back help you fully heal? Or will it just create more chaos and drama in your life?

 

My heartfelt concern goes out to you.

[Cali408]

Usually, I wouldn't recommend this, but, he owes you 5 figures, got your pregnant and is a control freak.

 

Press the detonator.

[Owl]

I agree with Carrie...don't write off the idea of small claims court. Dependent upon the amount he owes, it might well be worth consulting an attorney to discuss legal options of recompense.

 

Five figures isn't something you should just let go.

[2sunny]

I bet the amount is too large for small claims.

 

Maybe the help desk at the court would guide you? They can advise you on what forms to file and how to fill them out.

 

Heck, if rather see you get some money back rather than none! I don't think that jerk intends to repay you anything.

 

If nothing else I think it's important to show him he can't bully you. That you will still take action to have the money repaid even though he thinks browbeating you will keep you quiet.

 

He's a bully for sure - but it doesn't mean you have to stay quiet.

[MissTakes]

Oh, jeez, Hope. This guy is awful.

 

Have you ever heard of the Ingrid Bergman movie "Gaslight"? That's almost what it reminds me of. He's doing something that is absolutely designed to garner a certain response from you, and then, when you respond in that perfectly logical way, he essentially calls you crazy for it. I think a lot of us have fallen into traps like that, and have let men convince us that, in fact, we are crazy, or that we're the ones who are bad, or wrong, in our actions. Stay strong! It's not you, and you have a whole family of us on here ready to remind you every day how important you are as a person - and that you absolutely aren't crazy.

 

If you don't know what gaslighting is, check out a great description of the phenomenon and movie at Huffington Post.

[gettingstronger]

I do not like anything about this man- stay strong-