Can't believe it

[Nattie]

To be honest, it angers me that he would try that, and intentionally drop such a burden on your conscience. You never would have been able to recover, had he succeeded.

[lovinDKT3]

Oh Hope, I remember how you struggled with going foward with this. None of this is your fault, I know you say you don't blame yourself, but your such a good person that you will take this on, don't. You can't control how other react to you standing up for yourself.

 

I know you still care for him on some level, but don't let this derail your progress.

 

As for the guy you WERE dating, that was a horrible comment. I just wonder if he felt threatened by your reaction. Almost sounds like a jealous driven comment.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope, you are too sweet for your own good. NONE of this is your fault. Your exMM obviously has some mental stability issues. You don't take money and refuse to pay it back. You seem like a reasonable person, if he had been making (even tiny) payments on a regular basis, you wouldn't have had to take action. Do I want to pay my credit card bill every month? No... I sure don't, but I don't attempt suicide over it. He has shafted you more than enough in the past, he needed to be held responsible this time. Please try not to let this consume you, you did the right thing.

 

Thanks Nattie. I actually think I am okay although the first few days were tough. I know it was not my fault. As you said though I honestly don't know what would have happened if he had been successful.

 

He didn't do this for attention because of the method. I haven't talked to him - I heard through mutual co-workers. Apparently he is doing better now.

 

The first few days were hell which is why I ended up breaking up with the guy I was dating.

 

 

Oh Hope, I remember how you struggled with going foward with this. None of this is your fault, I know you say you don't blame yourself, but your such a good person that you will take this on, don't. You can't control how other react to you standing up for yourself.

 

I know you still care for him on some level, but don't let this derail your progress.

 

As for the guy you WERE dating, that was a horrible comment. I just wonder if he felt threatened by your reaction. Almost sounds like a jealous driven comment.

 

Thank you lovin. You are right that I can't control what other people do or how they react to what I do and it took me a long time to learn that.

 

As for the guy I was dating, I thought it was a horrible comment coming from someone who had lost a wife to suicide. My comment back to him wasn't very nice either - I have not spoken to him since. So I guess ex-MM managed to again make me a single woman with no other men in my life - although that part was probably a blessing in disguise because I don't want to be with a man who would say that to me.

[herself]

Not your fault. Its ok that you care for his turmoil.

Is there even a slight chance the suicide story is not true and maybe its a desperate attempt to get you to drop it?

Either way his faith and family will get him through.

You did what any human would do being owed alot of money.

His reaction is his choice. Suicide was an attempt to take the cowards way out but a tiny part of me doesn't buy it though I hate to say so.

Stay your course. You aren't threatening or calling...you took simple legal action.

Its ok he's gotta face this alone with his own support network.

He put you through a lot. I'm not saying anyone should suffer...not wishing ill will but he created this mess within himself.

[MuddyRock]

do you think his wife found out and that's why? I mean, being sued by someone you haven't had contact with in years, just doesn't seem like enough to make someone kill themselves. Though you have to be broken to be in an affair like that and lead a double life so maybe it was coming anyway.

[Hope Shimmers]

Not your fault. Its ok that you care for his turmoil.

Is there even a slight chance the suicide story is not true and maybe its a desperate attempt to get you to drop it?

Either way his faith and family will get him through.

You did what any human would do being owed alot of money.

His reaction is his choice. Suicide was an attempt to take the cowards way out but a tiny part of me doesn't buy it though I hate to say so.

Stay your course. You aren't threatening or calling...you took simple legal action.

Its ok he's gotta face this alone with his own support network.

He put you through a lot. I'm not saying anyone should suffer...not wishing ill will but he created this mess within himself.

 

Unfortunately it's true. We have mutual friends and co-workers and everyone knew about it. Several people told me.

 

You are right that he created it himself. It took me a long time but I finally realize that. To be honest though I'm not sure how much I should push for the loan repayment now. According to a mutual friend, he has lost his house and is so far in debt that he just went over the edge.

 

do you think his wife found out and that's why? I mean, being sued by someone you haven't had contact with in years, just doesn't seem like enough to make someone kill themselves. Though you have to be broken to be in an affair like that and lead a double life so maybe it was coming anyway.

 

Hi MuddyRock... his wife knew about me. When we started our relationship they were separated but eventually (years later) he went back to the marriage and I didn't leave (that's the affair part). He had told her about me (I call them D-days) a couple of times but ultimately she doesn't know very much of the story as she requested to not be told any details at that time. But clearly she knows that there is a lot she doesn't know.

 

I don't think he tried to kill himself because it was me who sued him - I think that it was just more than he could deal with. He knew he couldn't make the payments and I'm guessing it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

[whichwayisup]

He did this to himself, so don't feel guilty. Feel bad for him, have compassion, that's it.

 

As for the recent break up, good for you for dumping that guy. What an ahole to say such a thing. He isn't worthy of you.

 

Hugs to you, you've been through too much.

[beach]

I'm really sorry Hope. It must hurt knowing he's capable of that.

 

You've done the right thing. It was your money. He owes it and obviously never intended to repay you. That's ultimately referred to as stealing.

 

Hopefully you will stay strong and have the courage to persevere. He owes you so don't back down.

 

What's right is right - it's your money and he needs to set things right by paying you back.

 

Please be strong and know you're doing what's right.

 

Doing what's right is never the easy road.

 

Hugs

[Hope Shimmers]

He did this to himself, so don't feel guilty. Feel bad for him, have compassion, that's it.

 

As for the recent break up, good for you for dumping that guy. What an ahole to say such a thing. He isn't worthy of you.

 

Hugs to you, you've been through too much.

 

Thanks wwiu. What you said helps a lot, because although it may be stupid what has bothered me the most is that the man I was dating said what he did. I appreciate confirmation that he was a jerk to say it.

 

I'm really sorry Hope. It must hurt knowing he's capable of that.

 

You've done the right thing. It was your money. He owes it and obviously never intended to repay you. That's ultimately referred to as stealing.

 

Hopefully you will stay strong and have the courage to persevere. He owes you so don't back down.

 

What's right is right - it's your money and he needs to set things right by paying you back.

 

Please be strong and know you're doing what's right.

 

Doing what's right is never the easy road.

 

Hugs

 

Thank you beach. Your post means a lot.

 

I don't think I am going to pursue any more legal action from him. Really I just want it over. It's still even affecting my current dating/boyfriends and that is just too much. It was a HUGE mistake to get involved with him and his paying back the money or not won't ever change the mistake I made.

[beach]

It's not about changing the mistake you made.

 

It's the right thing that he pays you back.

 

Giving in now - I hope you won't. It's right that you stay strong and expect your money be paid to you. IF it were any other creditor or company he'd be having to pay it.

 

It's the principal of the matter Hope.

 

You've learned from your errors and don't intend to do it again. But what he's learning if you give in now is that he can keep screwing people over without paying his share.

 

You may not NEED it - but what if he never learns - and does it to other people in the future since you let him off the hook by being so nice. His consequence is that he pays. You should expect to get your money back.

 

Just let the suit roll forward. It's his to pay.

 

And I'm sorry if it seems to push but that's not my intention. My intention is that you look out for yourself and what's right.

 

My heart is heavy for you.

Edited October 30, 2014 by beach

[Hope Shimmers]

It's not about changing the mistake you made.

 

It's the right thing that he pays you back.

 

Giving in now - I hope you won't. It's right that you stay strong and expect your money be paid to you. IF it were any other creditor or company he'd be having to pay it.

 

It's the principal of the matter Hope.

 

You've learned from your errors and don't intend to do it again. But what he's learning if you give in now is that he can keep screwing people over without paying his share.

 

You may not NEED it - but what if he never learns - and does it to other people in the future since you let him off the hook by being so nice. His consequence is that he pays. You should expect to get your money back.

 

Just let the suit roll forward. It's his to pay.

 

I know.

 

I don't care if he never learns. Honestly at this point I don't care if he does it to others in the future. I just want out, permanently. I don't care about what he does or the effects of it anymore. I'm sorry if that sounds horrible.

 

But, I'm not going to change the lawsuit. He will still have to pay it or accept the consequences of it to his life. I'm just too tired to change it, more than anything.

[beach]

You need some time now to take care of you.

 

Can you get away for a few days to relax and unwind? It may do you some good and you've certainly earned it.

[meandmycats]

Hope, while it's an awful thing to happen, as has already been said, you must not feel guilt about pursuing what is rightfully yours.

 

 

My Dad borrowed money from his OW, and also got involved in some daft holiday share thing with her apparently, and when Mum blew their affair out of the water he didn't have the means to pay it back himself, so he went to his parents and borrowed it to pay her off.

 

 

Mum had insisted their would be no recovery as long as there was any attachment to his OW in ANY form, so he had to go to Granny cap in hand!

 

 

The moral is that even though he was a total ass for it all, he still paid her back every penny, and then some.

 

 

I don't know if this makes any sense even, but I just wanted you to know that it's the right thing to do to pay back your money, however long it takes. It's yours.

[still_an_Angel]

I'm so sorry Hope, as one of the people who strongly encouraged you to pursue the recovery of the debt, I feel a bit guilty too. But I still stand by what I said, you worked hard for the money and he took advantage of his relationship with you. His house is not your responsibility and a debt is a debt.

 

Other facors in his world also come into play, the lawsuit being a contributing factor, it might have been too much and he chose that way out. You couldn't have forseen that, nor would you have been able to stop it. It's not the best decision but you can't control his choice.

 

((hugs to you))

Angel

[bathtub-row]

Wow, this would shake me up, too. I'm really sorry it happened but I don't think you should take responsibility for it. If you did, then that would mean all mortgage lenders, car loaners, etc should take responsibility for people killing themselves over their debts. Your ex created this mess for himself and he's quite the weak person to do what he did. I think he did this deliberately to make you feel awful. Not to say that he didn't fully intend to kill himself, but I think he intended to die and wanted you to feel responsible. This is so lame. Really. He is truly immature, to say the least. It would probably be best to keep the legal stuff in place and to never speak to this person ever again.

 

Btw, isn't it against most religions to commit suicide? I can see this man takes his faith very seriously....when it suits him.

[snappytomcat]

dear sweet hope

im so sorry to hear this,as a fellow human being I feel horrible,that your xmm felt like he had to end his life,nothing is ever bad enough to do that,but I know some people just feel hopeless,and like that's the only way out,but this is not your fault,please don't blame yourself.

hes an adult,and responsible for his own actions,i pray he gets help when he gets out of hospital.

im still pizzed at him for borrowing money from you when clearly looks like he had no intention in paying you back,especailly when he knew you were a single mom,and could have spent that on your kids or something.

and im sorry that man you were dating turned out to be a zero,you will find your hero,hes out there I just know it

take care

[SoleMate]

Ex-MM attempted suicide about 2 weeks ago. He did not succeed, but came very close. It apparently was touch and go for several days as to whether he would succeed..........

 

He didn't do this for attention because of the method. I haven't talked to him - I heard through mutual co-workers. Apparently he is doing better now.

Hope, this story has an odd ring to it. Is there any chance this whole story could be an elaborate fabrication by MM, with (apparent) participation of corworkers? I ask because it's just so improbable-seeming, plus the timing is just perfect to manipulate you and cause you pain, and the supposed motivation is nonsensical. (People have killed themselves over debt, but usually after years of being hounded from pillar to post for sums they can't possibly pay, and often for a debt that was unfair from the get-go. Your case has none of those factors.)

 

I was EXTREMELY and horribly upset those first days; I have never felt so much guilt.

Somehow, I'm wondering if that was in fact the point. Just petty meanness on his part...taking advantage of your trust and love. What a turd.

[Georgia2014]

I have hesitated whether or not to update this thread. Finally decided I might as well.

 

Ex-MM attempted suicide about 2 weeks ago. He did not succeed, but came very close. It apparently was touch and go for several days as to whether he would succeed.

 

I was EXTREMELY and horribly upset those first days; I have never felt so much guilt. To make it worse, the guy who I had been dating (and who knew all of this back-story) told me "what did I expect, suing an unstable man?" So I no longer talk to him or date him because of that accusatory statement (coming from a man whose first wife committed suicide).

 

I do know that my attempting legal action threw ex-MM over the limit of what he could tolerate. He had made one payment to me regarding the loan. At this point I don't blame myself but I wish I would not have pushed it. I should have just let it go.

 

Speaking as a suicide survivor you did the right thing in pushing suing him. If he can't take it he shouldn't have had an affair to begin with. He decided to take his own life you didn't make him do it. He sounds like a pathetic low life wimpy scum bag. He is getting what he deserves being sued. I do hope his wife finds out how awful he is so she can leave him. You are doing the RIGHT thing in suing him.

[anika99]

To be fair, I don't think anyone here knows why this man attempted suicide. Being sued by the OP may have been the least of his problems and if one were to talk to him he may say the notion that being sued by Hope drove him to suicide is laughable. Nobody but him knows why and since we don't know perhaps we shouldn't be calling him names like weak, cowardly and pathetic.

 

 

I think when people are quick to take on responsibility or guilt for somebody else's actions that they may be over inflating their importance and their ability to impact everyone's life. I don't think the OP should feel responsible or guilty because I think its unlikely that her actions had much to do with his suicide attempt.

[JustJoe]

He did this to himself, so don't feel guilty. Feel bad for him, have compassion, that's it.

 

As for the recent break up, good for you for dumping that guy. What an ahole to say such a thing. He isn't worthy of you.

 

Hugs to you, you've been through too much.

Perhaps you should cut your ex-BF a little slack. If his wife committed suicide, then he is, very probably, sensitive about the subject, and your intolerance of his remark was out of line. Who are you to judge?

[Hope Shimmers]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

 

I did take a few days to visit my sister later that week and talked to her. That helped. She said a lot of the same things that many of you did.

 

Could it all be a made-up ruse? Anything is possible, but I don't know why these people would go along with it, as everyone (our mutual friends) took sides after the end of the relationship and literally no one took his side. These people are actually my friends now, not his, so I don't believe they would go along with such a thing. I don't think he would do it either.

 

When I was setting things up with the attorney ex-MM sent me a long e-mail detailing (financially) why he could not afford to pay. At that time he made comments about not being happy and just living for everyone else except himself and what he wanted. But there was nothing in there about any intention to harm himself - I've read and re-read it a hundred times. I actually didn't react very well to that e-mail and didn't feel any sympathy for him, as he made certain choices that led to things being the way they are financially for him. It was not all just bad luck.

[Hope Shimmers]

To be fair, I don't think anyone here knows why this man attempted suicide. Being sued by the OP may have been the least of his problems and if one were to talk to him he may say the notion that being sued by Hope drove him to suicide is laughable. Nobody but him knows why and since we don't know perhaps we shouldn't be calling him names like weak, cowardly and pathetic.

 

 

I think when people are quick to take on responsibility or guilt for somebody else's actions that they may be over inflating their importance and their ability to impact everyone's life. I don't think the OP should feel responsible or guilty because I think its unlikely that her actions had much to do with his suicide attempt.

 

So you think that I am falsely elevating my importance to him?

 

You may be right. Actually I said before that if anything, this was only the straw that broke the camel's back. There are many other things in his life (unrelated to me) that are totally bad right now and I'm sure the finances were just one more thing.

[Hope Shimmers]

Perhaps you should cut your ex-BF a little slack. If his wife committed suicide, then he is, very probably, sensitive about the subject, and your intolerance of his remark was out of line. Who are you to judge?

 

Who am I to judge? You're kidding, right?

 

I am the person who he directly (with his comment) accused of being responsible for ex-MM's suicide attempt.

 

Of all people who should know better than to accuse someone of being responsible for another person's actions, it should have been him.

Edited October 30, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[AlwaysGrowing]

Hope,

 

All because he attempted suicide does NOT vault him to innocent/injured party.

 

You did exactly what a reasonable person who is owed a debt would do. Nothing more.

 

He is responsible for how he has chosen to run his life. He owns the rewards and the consequences. Just like everyone else.

 

Don't pick up **** that isn't yours.

[jellybean89]

Hope,

 

I'm amazed by your grace...not that I don think you are capable, that's not what I mean at all. Ill most likely not explain it right so let me just say I'm proud of you for standing your ground with both of these men and for not allowing either of them to manipulate you nor make you doubt yourself.

 

You have come such a long way and, in case you were wondering, you are a dang amazing woman. I hope you are proud of the woman you see in the mirror. You've been through a lot and you pull no punches, but you have compassion and a tender heart, as evidenced by your emotions after finding out about xMM. I'm glad you are staying the course with the lawsuit. That is money owed to you and your beneficiaries and whether you need it to live off of or not, debts and loans must be repaid, period. Part of the problem with society is the "gimme gimme gimme" attitude of the younger generations and thy need to see that if you borrow something, you pay it back..that is your financial obligation no matter the status of the relationship. Pay your debts, work hard and treat others as you want to be treated.

 

Off my soapbox....just want to say you are pretty awesome.

 

The guy who wins your heart is gonna be in for a lifetime of happiness and excitement!