The baby is here. I'm still hurt.

[HollyGolightlly]

I was on here a while back. First, asking advice on what to do about keeping the baby or not. Then about some other things ( can't even remember now)

 

Well, I had my baby. She's five weeks old now.

 

I really don't know where else to turn. I don't really talk about this to 100% of my friends because I don't want them to know what she was born out of...but every single day I'm just so, so sad.

 

He never came around BUT DON'T think I had the baby to keep him, I had the baby because I couldn't get myself to have an abortion...and my gosh she is the sweetest thing alive. I don't really associate her with him in my mind because I'm really attached to her and she brightens my day up like no other.

 

Anyways, when I was 4 months pregnant he got lawyers involved and told me to leave him alone, and I did, haven't contacted him since Feb except once..and he got his lawyer to tell me to talk through council . To this day, it still hurts. I always held on to this hope that part from the pregnancy- that he still loved me. I was with him for 7 or 8 months and he was my dream. I miss him so much, and I fall asleep everyday asking "Why, why why?"

 

When the paternity test came back proving he was indeed the father (it was for child support purposes, and whatnot ), I didn't even get a "sorry" from him for all that he put me through. I've had to pay everything on my own. I went through so much suffering and lost everything I had built career wise to keep the baby.

 

I know he is never coming back, but why can't I accept it? Why do I still think maybe one day he will come back to me? Come back to us?

 

I almost don't want to let go of my false hope because I feel like it's an unbearable thought. Even though he has put me through hell and back, I still crave him and think about him all the time.

 

I sound so pathetic.

 

I have tons of friends and social things to do. They only help in the moment. Therapy didn't help, they didn't understand. The baby is the only one who makes me happy...but when she's sleeping and I have nothing to do I just find myself falling all over again and I end up crying and looking at his twitter and crying even more ( I don't look at anything else, twitter is enough to just kill me some days)

 

I keep asking myself.. What did I do? My poor baby will never have a father, I will never be in love again..I know I'll never love again and that's the part that hurts the most.

 

Actually, knowing that this is all my fault hurts the most. I know I deserve getting left because I'm sure she went through pain herself.

 

I just don't know how to fix any of this. My heart, my motivation, my confidence...it's all shot.

 

Time? It's been almost a year since he left me ( November) I haven't moved an inch. What am I doing wrong? How do I move on?

[bathtub-row]

I don't really know the back-story here but it sounds like this man treated you horribly and he has no accountability. I don't know if it helps but the reason women have so much trouble letting go is because we're wired that way. It's an actual chemical reaction that we have. I read this in a book. I think it was entitled "Getting To 'I Do'". It kind of helped me to know sometimes that this attachment that we can feel to someone is actually just a chemical tricking us. It can probably work well for us at times, but I can definitely see how it works against us, too.

 

The point of the book is that women need to be much more cautious than men about who we let into our lives. There are reasons why we're geared to be that way and we shouldn't ignore that. When we do let the wrong person in our lives, we pay a big price emotionally. Maybe that would be a better way to view this. You're attached for nonsensical reasons. This idiot has shown you no humanity at all and the sooner you get your pride back and walk away from this heartless creep, the better off you'll be. Write it off to a chemical reaction that you're going to need to make yourself move past.

 

And, btw, you will fall in love again someday and you'll look back on this and ask yourself, "What did I ever see in that guy??"

 

Congrats on your baby girl. Find your deep joy in life again and be the person that would make your daughter proud.

[bastus]

<p>, i agree with previous post , that man is totally dont deserve a woman like you, right now, i believe your new-born baby will be the best remedy to cure those painful memories..</p>

[MissBee]

I'm very sorry that you're going through this Holly...but it's not even been a year. It took me almost 2 years once to get over a breakup (partly because I kept myself emotionally involved by breaking NC and online spying). Saying that to say, how you feel now does NOT determine how you'll feel 2, 3, 5, 10 years from now. Your feelings are all still pretty normal given the time frame and what happened.

 

Be gentle with yourself and give yourself more time.

 

I vaguely remember your story. Correct me if I'm wrong, but were you in college and the MM was much older?

 

STOP looking at his FB...consciously make yourself do something else when you want to look. It's not worth it. It keeps you plugged into his life. What he did was terrible indeed and while yes you chose to hedge your bet with a MM, you are not all to blame. Accept you made a mistake and it hurts but that people have gone through similar stuff and did heal and move on.

 

You're not the only person, unfortunately, to have been abandoned with child by a MM but many of these people did end up thriving after moving on from it. So believe that you can too. Give yourself more time and focus on your baby and yourself. Also, perhaps give therapy another try. Sometimes it's about fit and where one therapist wasn't helpful another could be.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Holly,

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I would suggest just giving yourself some slack right now. You just had a baby. And you've been through a lot on top of that. Of course you are emotional, your hormones are on crazy overload right now. Plus with a newborn I bet your sleep is way off...they use sleep deprivation as torture for a reason! Right now concentrate on taking care of yourself and your little girl. Though if things seem so overwhelming that you're having trouble functioning, please visit your doctor ASAP.

 

Maybe in a few months when things have settled you can try talking with a counselor again. You and your daughter will survive and thrive. Hugs.

 

BSW

[Popsicle]

He showed his true colors in the end. What you are still in love with is a fantasy. It was not the real him. This baby is your reality now, and for her sake, you should go forward with collecting child support.

 

In time, you will also find love again but you have to open your heart and mind to that.

Edited September 1, 2014 by Popsicle

[Mascara]

Congratulations on your new baby. She'll be the best thing in your life.

 

I did it, I raised a baby from day one, 21 years ago. Admittedly not by a MM, but that's irrelevant now. At 5 weeks post birth, you are vulnerable. I was too. I also cried and raged against an injustice of knowing that this small tiny creature wouldn't know its father, and hoped he'd come around.

 

And then my heart and hormones healed, and I raised my child. You will too.

 

In your future is a life of love, because nobody loves you like a child. Hold onto that and nurture it. You'll find someone worthy of you, but for now enjoy these irreplaceable days of falling in love with your baby.

[MayP]

Honey... you will love again. You will meet the man that will love you and only you wholeheartedly. And your baby too. What you have described, I wouldn't have 'recover' in a year, perhaps 3-4 years? I will need to heal and I assume you needed that too. You are not a weirdo, you are what you are made of. A woman. Find yourself back. Hugs.

[HollyGolightlly]

I don't really know the back-story here but it sounds like this man treated you horribly and he has no accountability. I don't know if it helps but the reason women have so much trouble letting go is because we're wired that way. It's an actual chemical reaction that we have. I read this in a book. I think it was entitled "Getting To 'I Do'". It kind of helped me to know sometimes that this attachment that we can feel to someone is actually just a chemical tricking us. It can probably work well for us at times, but I can definitely see how it works against us, too.

 

The point of the book is that women need to be much more cautious than men about who we let into our lives. There are reasons why we're geared to be that way and we shouldn't ignore that. When we do let the wrong person in our lives, we pay a big price emotionally. Maybe that would be a better way to view this. You're attached for nonsensical reasons. This idiot has shown you no humanity at all and the sooner you get your pride back and walk away from this heartless creep, the better off you'll be. Write it off to a chemical reaction that you're going to need to make yourself move past.

 

And, btw, you will fall in love again someday and you'll look back on this and ask yourself, "What did I ever see in that guy??"

 

Congrats on your baby girl. Find your deep joy in life again and be the person that would make your daughter proud.

 

 

Thank you, that was very helpful. I suppose it makes sense in a way. I feel nothing for my ex boyfriends at all what-so-ever. But if I were to see a photo of him,I just miss him like crazy and I just sit there and question everything I've said and everything I've done.

[Ronni_W]

First, congrats and welcome to your Baby Girl

I do wish for you both good health and the best, happiest, most joyful times together.

In the meantime, if you do suspect some post-partum blues, then the maternity ward or your doctor may be able to help with relief.

 

But if I were to see a photo of him,I just miss him like crazy and I just sit there and question everything I've said and everything I've done.

Bigger picture is that everything you've said and everything you've done has helped you to score "the sweetest thing alive" who "brightens your day like no other"

 

The thing also is, if you keep questioning the 'why and how' of how she got here, of her existence, of your part in bringing her into this world...what if somehow that "vibe" or "energy" or whatever gets transmitted in such a way as she can pick up on it, even as an infant?

 

Her father...yeah, is a first-class jerk. Sounds better off without him as any type of influence in your lives. Other than, I trust you've "gone through counsel" -- since that is what he told you he prefers (bloody moron) -- to put in place his child support payments.

 

Hugs and best.

[Blueskysandybeach]

I joined so I could reply to this! I just wanted to say what an amazing mommy you sound, and that your little one is blessed to have you, as well as the other way round! It is such a crazily emotional time in the weeks after giving birth, and what with all the sleep deprivation and hormones you are going to be feeling extra sensitive. It must hurt a lot that he acted the way he did but you know what, you will meet a wonderful guy in time who will also be a great daddy to your little baby and you will think thank God that loser never stuck around, he did me one very big favor.

 

Good luck and no matter how hard it feels at times, remember that you are doing an amazing job and just put one foot in front of the other until suddenly things are easier, and better, and you also couldn't care less about this stupid guy anymore.

[2sunny]

Since the paternity test showed him as the father - did you petition the court for child support?

 

At minimum he should be paying support each month.

 

Glad you and baby are bonding.

[Lovemesomehim]

Holly - congratulations on the birth of your baby.

 

 

I know you're hurting. I went through something similar (not with a mm) and the fortunate truth is, you will be okay and you will love again. Take it one moment at a time and heal from it so when love presents itself in the future, you will be able to know it is the real thing.

[HollyGolightlly]

Since the paternity test showed him as the father - did you petition the court for child support?

 

At minimum he should be paying support each month.

 

Glad you and baby are bonding.

 

 

Yes, for sure. At 4 months pregnant he served me with papers to demand a paternity test and to set up child support. At the same time he sent me an Email saying to never speak to him again.

 

I ended having to move back home because I got really sick during the pregnancy and couldn't work...I tried SO hard to keep working but I was just such a mess, throwing up and falling asleep in meetings that I just gave up my home in Texas and moved back home to be with my family. And because I did that, I had to have HIM served from FL.

 

When he first found out I was pregnant, he and his wife actually sent me an Email and in the body of it they asked me "Aren't you afraid you won't find a partner with three children?"

 

Hands down, this has been the most painful experience I have ever been through in my entire life. And, he's an idiot because if he would have at least been NICE to me, I wouldn't be asking for full child support, I was just going to ask for half the price of diapers and whatnot...He went from having to spend maybe $300 a month at the MOST to now whatever the judge decides is fair (which will be much,much more). And I'm not sorry about it anymore.

 

I'm still so insulted and hurt, but my revenge is probably the financial burden this has been placed on him since he loves his money above her, or I, or all of the children involved.

 

Whereas, I never cared about the money. I also didn't even think I could get pregnant to begin with, and I bet he doesn't realize how much I've lost because of the pregnancy either.

 

I think what hurts the most is that I feel like a concubine that was used, and the wife is just like "whatever, get a lawyer involved and send the whore her way with the child"...and I feel like absolute dirt. I look in the mirror and I like what I see, and I see how many friends I have and how loved we are but for whatever reason his opinion of me is all that I care for..

 

I wish I could just see how bad of a human being he is instead of remembering how much I loved him, and how happy he made me and how amazing I thought he was. He chewed me up and spit me out and stepped on me and my daughter.

 

I wish I would have come in the forum sooner, it's nice to actually talk about it as the OW...I don't mention it to my friends.

 

ahh man, thanks for letting me vent

[HollyGolightlly]

I joined so I could reply to this! I just wanted to say what an amazing mommy you sound, and that your little one is blessed to have you, as well as the other way round! It is such a crazily emotional time in the weeks after giving birth, and what with all the sleep deprivation and hormones you are going to be feeling extra sensitive. It must hurt a lot that he acted the way he did but you know what, you will meet a wonderful guy in time who will also be a great daddy to your little baby and you will think thank God that loser never stuck around, he did me one very big favor.

 

Good luck and no matter how hard it feels at times, remember that you are doing an amazing job and just put one foot in front of the other until suddenly things are easier, and better, and you also couldn't care less about this stupid guy anymore.

 

 

Thank you, you're so sweet I hope that when the hormones die down I'll be back to my normal, happy self again.