I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[Simon Phoenix]

Holy crap at this thread. I'm not sure what has happened to the OP to make him want somebody like this, but you get treated the way you allow people to treat you. Since the OP has no personal pride, dignity or self-respect, maybe he needs to be with this abusive biatch. I mean, he's spent 10 pages clamoring for a reprehensible, disgusting person who physically attacked him, has attacked others, defaced other peoples property, and abused animals.

 

Dude, this woman is all of the bad things she does. That's part of who she is. You are so blind and deluded and lacking self-esteem that you don't know up from down right now. I seriously doubt she hasn't shown any of these characteristics -- I just think the OP is so weak and afraid after years of this that he's willfully overlooked the red flags until he was getting the s--t choked out of him. And now he wants to go back to that person. There are much bigger issues with the OP than this woman.

 

I don't understand the love you have for this person, but I'm guessing the reason you "love" this person (more like codependent) is based on things that happened way before this and are way out of our pay grade. Every time I think I have heard the most sad, downtrodden, pathetic thing on this website, someone ups the ante. This one is number one. Just an awful situation. I think this chick could beat him with a 2 x 4 and he'd find a a way to justify it.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean or insulting, but to give you an idea of how hopelessly lost you are. Hopefully you'll work toward seeing the light, but I seriously doubt this. At least not without months/years of comprehensive counseling.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Holy crap at this thread. I'm not sure what has happened to the OP to make him want somebody like this, but you get treated the way you allow people to treat you.

 

 

It's called having a deep deep love for her, that's what makes me want her.

 

 

I disagree with you saying that it's down to how you allow people to treat you etc. I was nothing but kind, loyal, patient, caring, loving & nice to her so that doesn't warrant her to suddenly have a violent outburst because of necessarily my behaviour towards her.

 

Dude, this woman is all of the bad things she does. That's part of who she is.

 

 

Now she's shown her true colours I can see some of that, yes.

 

I don't understand the love you have for this person, but I'm guessing the reason you "love" this person (more like codependent) is based on things that happened way before this and are way out of our pay grade.

 

She was the nicest girl you could meet, she got on with my family & friends and would make an effort to be interested in people even if there was someone in particular that she wasn't fond of.

 

 

It's just bizarre of her to just drop me like a hot stone & I'll never get my head round why.

[ThorntonMelon]

Hold on - is she the nicest girl ever or a tire slashing, animal abusing maniac?

[Mint Sauce]

She was the nicest girl you could meet, she got on with my family & friends and would make an effort to be interested in people even if there was someone in particular that she wasn't fond of.

 

Simon actually meant that he believes something traumatic in your childhood predestined you to an unhealthy, codependent relationship. Something you should seek individual counseling for (hence his pay grade remark).

 

Did you ever feel like a "knight in shining armour on a white horse" in this relationship? The strong guy she could lean on? Her saviour?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Hold on - is she the nicest girl ever or a tire slashing, animal abusing maniac?

 

The latter although in my loved up eyes she is the nicest girl.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Did you ever feel like a "knight in shining armour on a white horse" in this relationship? The strong guy she could lean on? Her saviour?

 

Not really no, I felt more like her lover and not so much her knight in shining armour.

 

 

We were best friends as well as lovers & had a lot in common which we came to realise soon enough.

 

 

Do remember she was a Tomboy & this is not behaviour that Tomboys want or expect from a lover i.e. being 'the man' because she was very independent.

[lauri]

Depressed, why do you think you can't find someone else? You realize you can, right?

 

Do you know how many girls would die to have a guy who is loyal, loving, caring and respectful towards them? Tons.

 

You are missing out on a lot of women who would appreciate you and not hurt you - forget the aspect of the love you have for her or she has for you. It is irrelevant...you've made it very clear in this thread that this girl has taken it way too far and will never change.

 

You claim you stood up to her, but you haven't. Standing up to her means that you won't put up with her BS anymore. You will walk away and move on...that is standing up. By you going back to her, which I know you will, shows me that you are going to "forgive her" for what she has done and turn a blind eye to her faults. You have denied, ignored and pretended this entire thread that what you are saying is "okay" and makes sense because of "love".

 

I'm sorry, but the way you are now, will only cause her to get worse and abuse you more.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Depressed, why do you think you can't find someone else? You realize you can, right?

 

Do you know how many girls would die to have a guy who is loyal, loving, caring and respectful towards them? Tons.

 

 

I think I can't find anyone else because I am a quiet & shy guy who finds it hard to go out & meet girls.

 

 

I met my fiancé on Facebook of all places (friend of a friend) so I know I won't be going out there actively looking for a woman, for me it's just got to 'fall into place'.

 

 

I know there are a large amount of women out there who as you say would die for a guy like me but although this sounds selfish, I am not prepared to give my love/care to any other girl - it just doesn't feel right (even the thought of it.)

 

 

My fiancé is my first real love & proper relationship and I know for sure that she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with (hence why I asked her to marry me.)

 

You are missing out on a lot of women who would appreciate you and not hurt you - forget the aspect of the love you have for her or she has for you.

 

I know not all women are bad & wouldn't hurt me but I can't get past my fiancé, she was the best thing that's ever happened to me - I feel lost without her & am missing her terribly.

[ThorntonMelon]

Depressed - I apologize for my earlier commentary regarding you being a troll. I will admit that this thing has gone in so many directions that it's hard to believe it all, but I can appreciate that things in your world are just crazy right now.

 

I'm going to ask you 5 questions and if you can answer them as best you can, I am really going to try to help.

 

1. You said above that "in your loved up eyes" you're not seeing things clearly. Are you willing to accept that it's possible that right now you're not seeing things clearly?

 

2. If your ex-girlfriend met a man right now, do you think she would say she has a fiance? Be honest.

 

3. Is it fair to say "I can't get past my fiance" when you are on this message board telling people she is your fiance and that you're on a temporary break? Obviously you're not trying to get past her.

 

4. Do you believe that the title of this posting is accurate, that is, do you believe you hit her in the face?

 

5. Are you willing to get professional help to make things better (individual, for you. Not couples counseling, not counseling for her. For YOU)?

 

I await your response.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

TM,

 

 

Thank you for your apology. I do accept it & can possibly see why you doubted my story but I can assure you it is a real life story.

 

 

Anyway, to answer your questions:

 

 

1. You said above that "in your loved up eyes" you're not seeing things clearly. Are you willing to accept that it's possible that right now you're not seeing things clearly?

 

 

Yes, I admit that due to my depressed & emotional state right now - it is possible that I'm not seeing things clearly.

 

 

Time will tell on whether I recover or not.

 

2. If your ex-girlfriend met a man right now, do you think she would say she has a fiance? Be honest.

 

 

Probably not. I still think she has so much anger in her right now even though she's no real reason to have.

 

3. Is it fair to say "I can't get past my fiance" when you are on this message board telling people she is your fiance and that you're on a temporary break? Obviously you're not trying to get past her.

 

 

I think it is fair to say that's she's my fiancé because I still regard her as my fiancé. As far as I'm concerned we're on a break just now & although she chucked the ring back at me, I think that was a decision made in the heat of the moment.

 

4. Do you believe that the title of this posting is accurate, that is, do you believe you hit her in the face?

 

 

Yes I believe the title of this post is correct because I stand by what I said & I do believe that I did hit her in the face accidently/self defence and definitely not on purpose.

 

5. Are you willing to get professional help to make things better (individual, for you. Not couples counseling, not counseling for her. For YOU)?

 

Yes, I have told her this on the night it happened that I would get professional help & she said she was pleased to hear that (slightly encouraging news from her.)

[ThorntonMelon]

1. Excellent. So I would recommend to you that you ask the people on this forum who are helping you if you are seeing things clearly right now. We're all objective on this. You might be surprised at how consistent the feedback is.

 

2. I do think she has anger issues, but not necessarily at you. She's a lunatic, you just can't see that (which I can appreciate). Why don't you have one of your friends ask her if she still considers you engaged? I mean, you do understand your fiancee should be the most important person in your life and you haven't spoken to her in a month, so it does stand to reason...she's probably not your fiance.

 

3. She isn't wearing the ring. She hasn't spoken to you in a month. There have been a lot of moments in a month. I don't think you're seeing this clearly.

 

4. OK. I question whether you even hit her. But I wasn't there.

 

5. That's great.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

1. Excellent. So I would recommend to you that you ask the people on this forum who are helping you if you are seeing things clearly right now. We're all objective on this. You might be surprised at how consistent the feedback is.

 

 

Ok, I will ask it flat out...........do you think I am seeing things clearly right now? Do take into account my emotional state.

 

2. I do think she has anger issues, but not necessarily at you. She's a lunatic, you just can't see that (which I can appreciate). Why don't you have one of your friends ask her if she still considers you engaged?

 

 

She could just be an angry person in general although I never saw this in the 2yrs we were together until the night of the fight.

 

 

I don't have many friends to ask if she still considers us engaged but if I know her like I think I do, then I'm sure she would be stubbornly bitter about it still & may resent me still - I don't know?

 

 

I can't believe she would just drop me like a hot stone considering I meant the world to her & given our relationship to each other (fiancé.)

 

 

I now feel lovesick & heartbroken at the moment, it never gets easier - honest it doesn't.

 

 

3. There have been a lot of moments in a month. I don't think you're seeing this clearly.

 

 

Can you clarify this point please?

 

4. OK. I question whether you even hit her. But I wasn't there.

 

I'm 95% sure I did as I'm not sure how else she would have got a bloodied nose.

[Chi townD]

Ok so I got hit by a woman, so what? I have no shame in admitting that.

 

 

 

But, the point is, you shouldn't HAVE to get hit by a woman! No one deserves to get beaten on! MAN OR WOMAN!

 

 

Women are just as violent as men are and in some instances, even more so! And yet, society views this as being okay and it's NOT okay!

 

 

You think I'm lying? Picture this scenario. You're at a party and your friend and his girlfriend are there. Your friend is at one end of the party and his girlfriend is at the other end. You witness his girlfriend storm over to him in a huff and the SLAPS him across the face; turns and storms out of there. Most people would be like, "DAMN!!!!!......What did he do?!?!"

 

 

But if your friend walked across the room and slapped her, he wouldn't even make it to the door without everyone being on him. Why is one scenario acceptable and the other is monstrous? It shouldn't be. Neither scenario is acceptable.

 

 

You don't deserve to be beaten on or strangled. Trust me, there are girls out there that will not raise their hand in anger. Go find those and leave this one alone. I mean, her father has also informed you that she has been violent with other boyfriends. Leave this one behind. Leave this one alone.

[ThorntonMelon]

I think you're absolutely out of your right mind. I actually think you're experiencing post traumatic stress disorder and if you were my brother or son I would probably have you at a minimum in a pyschotherapist's office today and maybe actually stay somewhere for a couple of days. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, you mean well, but some of your postings are about the most bat***** crazy stuff I've ever seen.

 

That good trait/bad trait thing is the most mind blowing thing I've ever seen.

 

2. You said she is bad to animals and slashes tires - again, why do you ignore this when saying she's not an angry person?

 

3. You think she threw her ring at you and broke off the engagement in the heat of the moment. My response is there are a lot of moments in a month. If it was temporary she'd have asked for you back right now. I am very worried for your state of mind once you realize this.

 

I don't know how she got the bloody nose but I am wondering if she did it to herself. Again, I wasn't there. But it seems clear she provoked this fight in order to end your relationship. Because she's nuts.

 

With the best of therapy it will take a while to get over. I am rooting for you because you seem a good man who is being forced to deal with the impossible.

[Zahara]

Ok, I will ask it flat out...........do you think I am seeing things clearly right now? Do take into account my emotional state.

 

No, you are not seeing things clearly because of your emotional state.

 

She could just be an angry person in general although I never saw this in the 2yrs we were together until the night of the fight.

 

Really? The way she has been treating the dog isn't a sign to you that there is a darker side to her than that one episode with you? The fact that she has slashed tires and pinned a man to a wall, doesn't strike you that just maybe this is who she is but has been vigilantly maintaining a different persona with you? Most times people don't really show you who they truly are in a relationship until it's been truly settled into.

 

I don't have many friends to ask if she still considers us engaged but if I know her like I think I do, then I'm sure she would be stubbornly bitter about it still & may resent me still - I don't know?

 

I still don't understand why you're not throroughly pissed and turned off at the way she attacked you and treated you. But your main focus is if she still accepts you.

 

I can't believe she would just drop me like a hot stone considering I meant the world to her & given our relationship to each other (fiancé.)

 

If a man meant the world to me, the last thing I'd be doing is choking the life out of him. "Fiance" doesn't mean anything. People that are husband and wife, that have had decades together with years of history have ended up going separate ways for whatever the reason. You need to start focusing on what's relevant in that fiance or not, love or not, abuse is something you shouldn't be tolerating.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Women are just as violent as men are and in some instances, even more so! And yet, society views this as being okay and it's NOT okay!

 

 

I absolutely agree. The thing is she is a tomboy & has a lot of mannish mannerisms and tendencies, I don't know if this personality trait has contributed to her behaviour presently & in the past. Do you think it could have?

 

 

But as I say this is the first time in our relationship that I've witnessed violence on a human being, yes sure she's made threats to other humans & I have seen her mistreat the dog but never has she raised a finger to me until the 25th of July.

 

 

I would never dream of hitting a woman unless it was in self defence.

 

You don't deserve to be beaten on or strangled. Trust me, there are girls out there that will not raise their hand in anger. Go find those and leave this one alone. I mean, her father has also informed you that she has been violent with other boyfriends. Leave this one behind. Leave this one alone.

 

I know the bottom line is that you should never return to an abuser but I do believe that with me this was a complete one off. I would ensure that it was by suggesting that she gets help, just so that it eliminates any anger in her & it would also give me peace of mind.

 

 

I was slightly alarmed when her father told me about her previous violent streak and tendencies but never once did I think that in our relationship would she do anything like that to me.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

2. You said she is bad to animals and slashes tires - again, why do you ignore this when saying she's not an angry person?

 

 

I just meant that she could get angry at the outcome of some situations & would act out in a violent manner before stopping to think about how she would deal with it, but by which time it's too late.

 

I don't know how she got the bloody nose but I am wondering if she did it to herself. Again, I wasn't there. But it seems clear she provoked this fight in order to end your relationship. Because she's nuts.

 

Who knows, if she did do it to herself (which I highly doubt) then she is mentally nuts as you say.

 

 

Of course she provoked the fight, but whether it was to end the relationship specifically I don't know. I keep thinking that because I punched her, she can't get over this/deal with it & is now 'punishing' me for that unnecessarily?

 

 

It's all confusing to me.

[Zahara]

I know the bottom line is that you should never return to an abuser but I do believe that with me this was a complete one off. .

 

Yes, you're just so special, the exception to the rule. You're still forgetting that it doesn't change who she is.

[whichwayisup]

I felt both her hands round my neck pressing really tightly & this look of madness in her eyes. : : I found myself doing the same to her (to try and free myself.) This was the first time we have ever had a physical confrontation or even argument in the 2yrs we've been together (it has always been a honest, loyal & happy relationship.)

 

I pushed her onto the couch & I stumbled forward slightly, I then stumbled back by which point she leapt up, jumped on & sat on me & started choking me again. There was no speaking throughout this scuffle.

 

She has a problem, anger or she had a mini break down or something.

 

This woman, your (ex) fiance is mentally unbalanced and needs help asap.

 

Do NOT go back. Stay away and stop calling her completely.

[whichwayisup]

 

Of course she provoked the fight, but whether it was to end the relationship specifically I don't know. I keep thinking that because I punched her, she can't get over this/deal with it & is now 'punishing' me for that unnecessarily?

 

 

It's all confusing to me.

 

She doesn't see that she is messed up in the head. I've never ever heard of someone just going nuts like that, choking you not once, but twice!!

 

I'm telling you, she is in total denial.

 

Yes you should not have punched her but honestly, she was 'gone' in that moment, this punch etc, was out of total self defense to get her away from you! You didn't punch her out of anger or try to hurt her on purpose.

[Simon Phoenix]

Honestly, i don't think you are on the same planet as someone who sees things clearly. You are lost in a wilderness of delusion and, quite frankly, I don't believe you for one instant when you say this person was sweet for two years before suddenly turning on you, especially when she abuses animals and other exes. And if this was the "nicest, sweetest" person you've ever met, that makes me think your upbringing was abusive and negative and awful, because everything you have typed about this woman (and you have tried so hard to put her in a positive light) would make her one of the worst people I've ever met.

 

That's why I think there are other things at play here that date back many years and why counseling and therapy is necessary.

[movingonnow1]

You claim you stood up to her, but you haven't. Standing up to her means that you won't put up with her BS anymore. You will walk away and move on...that is standing up. By you going back to her, which I know you will, shows me that you are going to "forgive her" for what she has done and turn a blind eye to her faults. You have denied, ignored and pretended this entire thread that what you are saying is "okay" and makes sense because of "love".

 

I'm sorry, but the way you are now, will only cause her to get worse and abuse you more.

 

^^^ This. I think you need to realize that everything you have said here has shown you have NOT stood up to her. You realize in your current state it is actually a turn off to women?

 

Tell me what girl is going to want to be with a guy who is so broken, who lacks self confidence and that is as weak as you are right now? You need to fix yourself FIRST before you can even consider being with her. Get help, please.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

The way she has been treating the dog isn't a sign to you that there is a darker side to her than that one episode with you?

 

 

Of course it is a sign to me that she is unstable if she is doing that to a poor defenceless dog.

 

 

Then when she attacked me, that is just a way for her to 'transfer' the violence to keep it 'moving'.

 

 

The fact that she has slashed tires and pinned a man to a wall, doesn't strike you that just maybe this is who she is but has been vigilantly maintaining a different persona with you?

 

 

Most times people don't really show you who they truly are in a relationship until it's been truly settled into.

 

 

I can see that now yes that with her abnormal behaviour unravelling, she is now showing me that this is what her real character is & also what her capabilities are.

 

I still don't understand why you're not throroughly pissed and turned off at the way she attacked you and treated you.

 

 

Although I've never said that I'm pissed off with her (a small percentage of me is actually pissed off at her) but it's more 'anger' at the moment & despair.

 

 

I'm not entirely turned off at the way she treated me because I know her & I am convinced that she would never attack me like that again - if she did however, then heck yes I would be out of there.......no second chances.

 

 

You need to start focusing on what's relevant in that fiance or not, love or not, abuse is something you shouldn't be tolerating.

 

 

There are a number of factors that I need to establish. Number one is yes that abuse should not be tolerated but saying that, being a reasonable man that I am, I would allow this to be put down to maybe a 'breakdown' within her & providing she is willing to accept help, I would help her with the aim to reconciling afterwards.

[carhill]

OP, here's a thread to read:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3364990

 

Pay particular attention to the postings from member 'Downtown'. See if anything scans with your situation.

 

Bear in mind I only read the starting post; for myself there was enough stuff there to recommend this reading. No easy answers IMO. Good luck.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

You're still forgetting that it doesn't change who she is.

 

I know that, deep down.

 

 

She has a problem, anger or she had a mini break down or something.

 

This woman, your fiance is mentally unbalanced and needs help asap.

 

I think it was the latter, she just had a disturbing episode that night & something, just something triggered it.

 

 

I wish I could help her get some help but it's quite difficult since she's imposed this no contact rubbish.