I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't believe you for a second when you say you'd leave her if she did it again. Look at what you've done for 12 pages trying to spin this. Honestly, the fact that you not only won't leave her now, but are actually eager to win her back is a huge red flag and shows a lack of self-respect and boundaries. A healthy person does not allow another person a "you can brutally attack me once" card.

 

You are a doormat and codependent.

[ThorntonMelon]

since she's imposed this no contact rubbish.

 

Since she's broken off your engagement.

 

I think we are all wasting your time right now.

 

You believe she's a wonderful person who had a bad night that will never happen again. There isn't anyone who'd take these facts right now and see them as you do, but alas, it's your life.

 

I beg of you, beg of you, please immediately start seeing a therapist.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

She doesn't see that she is messed up in the head. I've never ever heard of someone just going nuts like that, choking you not once, but twice!!

 

I'm telling you, she is in total denial.

 

 

Part of me wonders if she'll ever realise that she's messed up in the head or is she too stubborn to grasp that fact?

 

 

Choking me once is bad enough but the second time was overkill & totally uncalled for.

 

 

I think you've nailed it on the head when you say she's in total denial.

 

Yes you should not have punched her but honestly, she was 'gone' in that moment, this punch etc, was out of total self defense to get her away from you! You didn't punch her out of anger or try to hurt her on purpose.

 

I do regret the punch & have thought non-stop at a few factors:

 

 

* Should I have just restrained her wrists

* Let her continue to try & snuff me out

* Was my punch reasonable force & justified (which I now think given all of the posters' opinions that it was justified

 

 

But of course it all happened so quickly, when you're in that situation you don't always think before you act because your natural instincts take over beforehand.

 

 

It's not like I continued to beat her to a pulp, it was one simple punch from when I lashed out, that was more than enough force in my opinion. I had to get her off me before she inflicted anymore pain on me.

 

 

I don't believe you for one instant when you say this person was sweet for two years before suddenly turning on you, especially when she abuses animals and other exes.

 

 

Believe what you will but I'm telling you she was the nicest and most friendliest girl you could meet who got on with everyone in my family.

 

 

Sure she made enemies with ex friends of hers now & cut them out her life for petty reasons when most of the time it wasn't their fault.

 

 

I believe that when she turned on me, that was because something triggered that (still haven't established what that is.)

 

 

She's in denial still.

 

 

And if this was the "nicest, sweetest" person you've ever met, that makes me think your upbringing was abusive and negative and awful, because everything you have typed about this woman (and you have tried so hard to put her in a positive light) would make her one of the worst people I've ever met.

 

 

I'm quite offended that you said that, you think my upbringing was abusive.

 

 

I can assure you that it was the complete opposite - I had nothing but a normal, happy & loving childhood and having nothing but fond memories so you're totally wrong on that front.

[carhill]

I can assure you that it was the complete opposite - I had nothing but a normal, happy & loving childhood and having nothing but fond memories

 

Fertile ground for a caretaker personality. IME, more tolerance for abuse. More 'benefit of the doubt'. Stuff like that. IC might help clarify some of this stuff. A book that might help is 'walking on eggshells'. Even if it doesn't directly address the dynamic, there are tools to help process what's currently on your plate. A good IC could help with that too. Up to you. At worst, such resources might facilitate acceptance of the real. IMO, that's the first step to moving forward, regardless of the end-game.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm quite offended that you said that, you think my upbringing was abusive.

 

 

I can assure you that it was the complete opposite - I had nothing but a normal, happy & loving childhood and having nothing but fond memories so you're totally wrong on that front.

 

Well, something f--ked you up then, because your reaction to this, and your longing for someone who treats you like this, is not normal and suggests some sort of early trauma in your life, be it from family, peers, or something. The way you are reacting to this is not remotely healthy.

 

Get offended all you want, though you should spend less time getting offended by people on here trying to help you and more time getting offended by the person WHO TRIED TO CHOKE YOU OUT instead of pining for that person, clamoring for her and dismissing that behavior. Even if it's one-off (which I doubt, she's an animal abuser) the fact that it happens once is one time too many.

 

Use your fighting spirit (whatever is left) to find someone who doesn't abuse you, abuse other people, abuse animals. Get your head on straight, and go talk to a professional to guide you in the right direction to do that.

[CarrieT]

DF, you are 13 pages into this thread.

 

You haven't heard from her in a month.

 

What are you holding on to? You have pages and pages of advice to move on and outlines of how unhealthy this relationship is. You have vacillated between notifying the police and trying to get her back; those are two opposite ends of a spectrum.

 

It seems you are trying to grasp at straws but I seriously doubt you are still engaged or that you are going to hear from her again.

 

What is stopping you from moving on and trying to heal other than beating this dead horse?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

What is stopping you from moving on and trying to heal?

 

 

Probably the fact that I don't want to & cannot move on.

 

 

I can't heal because I'm still emotionally ruined at the moment, so for me that process has not even nearly begun.

[whichwayisup]

 

I wish I could help her get some help but it's quite difficult since she's imposed this no contact rubbish.

 

Let her parents get her help. Your relationship with her is over. What she did, choked you and with such intent to injury you, is unforgivable...UNLESS she seeks anger management and receives medical help (aka a full assessment as she could be bi polar), having anger is one thing, she took it to another level and it had been building. That could have easily been her mom or dad on the couch with her being choked! Either way, it's good NC is in place because she's not thinking clearly and physically IS dangerous. She's damn lucky you didn't call 911.

[SoThatHappened]

Bottom line, DF.

 

If you don't run away from this woman, you can possibly ruin the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

 

If you and her reconcile and have kids, you would be bringing in a permanent tie to this woman. What if she does this to you again? Or her child?

 

You're 26. Don't ruin the rest of your 60+ years for falling for someone like her.

 

The ONLY thing you can do is run away. The only thing that can possibly condone reconciliation with her is if she gets therapy and gets "fixed." If that's even possible. But don't even consider being with her until AFTER she has changed.

 

Don't throw your life away for someone like this. Just don't do it.

 

Work on yourself and be by yourself until you're over this situation. The 50-year-old you will greatly appreciate it if you did those things.

[whichwayisup]

Probably the fact that I don't want to & cannot move on.

 

 

I can't heal because I'm still emotionally ruined at the moment, so for me that process has not even nearly begun.

 

Deal with today and today means, no contact with her. If she really has ended it and wants nothing to do with you, you have no choice but to accept things are over and she doesn't want to marry you.

 

I get that you love her and probably are in total shock that she did this, let alone was capable of this but think long term, not just today and tomorrow.

 

Imagine you two together, having a little baby or a young toddler and she turned and choked your baby!! Would you still want to work on the marriage and be with her all because you love her? Or would you/could you BE objective and smart to see that she is ill in the head and you and your child's safety is most important?

 

Grieve the loss and don't try to win her back. Let go and cry... Seek counseling if need be because if you can't see what/who she is right now, you're begging for more pain.

[pteromom]

maybe we are....maybe we are not....but on here my rule of thumb is to believe someone who takes the effort to type a post is seeking genuinely for someone to listen...and answer accordingly....

 

Mine too. Here's the way I look at it. Even if an OP is a troll, someone lurking on the site may see a response that speaks to them and helps them. Look how many views are on any post on this site... you are never only speaking to an OP.

[pteromom]

Probably the fact that I don't want to & cannot move on.

 

 

I can't heal because I'm still emotionally ruined at the moment, so for me that process has not even nearly begun.

 

You can't just heal. You need to replace bad habits with good ones.

 

So... instead of sitting around thinking about her, take up running. Or volunteering. Or hanging out on open mic night at a coffee shop. Or SOMETHING.

 

Instead of listening to songs that remind you of her, make yourself listen to upbeat songs that help your mood.

 

Indulge yourself in something that reminds you of who you were before you knew her. A marathon of a favorite childhood show; calling an old friend; listening to the first album you ever bought.

 

Do a project you've been meaning to do, so that you get that feeling of accomplishment.

 

Go out with friends.

 

Get rid of things at your place that remind you of her. Replace them with things that YOU love.

 

Read books with messages of courage and bravery... memoirs, self-help, etc.

 

You can't just sit in front of your computer and command yourself to heal. It doesn't work that way. It's a slow process, but it takes more than time to heal wounds - it also takes action.

[whichwayisup]

Mine too. Here's the way I look at it. Even if an OP is a troll, someone lurking on the site may see a response that speaks to them and helps them. Look how many views are on any post on this site... you are never only speaking to an OP.

 

he could have battered man's syndrome or has been bullied/manipulated/emotionally abused subconsciously without realizing how unhealthy his relationship is with this woman. Don't laugh and don't rule it out. Many men are abused by women but rarely come forward from shame and embarrassment.

 

He loves her and that's all he can see and focus on, losing her means losing himself too.

 

Depressed Fiance, has she acted moody/bitchy/rude/mean before? Swore at you, her parents and just been cruel in the past? if so, then she does have some mental illness and things escalated and turned violent. And that's not good at all, you should be cautious of her, and keep your distance... And not wanting her to take you back, hoping she isn't mad or disappointed in you.

 

This is why I am questioning your own mindset about this. Really think about your R with her and shi.tty she's made you feel at times.

[Simon Phoenix]

he could have battered man's syndrome or has been bullied/manipulated/emotionally abused subconsciously without realizing how unhealthy his relationship is with this woman.

 

I think this is exactly what has gone on.

[pteromom]

he could have battered man's syndrome or has been bullied/manipulated/emotionally abused subconsciously without realizing how unhealthy his relationship is with this woman. Don't laugh and don't rule it out. Many men are abused by women but rarely come forward from shame and embarrassment.

 

Nope, I'm definitely not laughing. I feel for the guy and hope he's able to move past this and find a healthy relationship.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

What she did, choked you and with such intent to injury you, is unforgivable...UNLESS she seeks anger management and receives medical help (aka a full assessment as she could be bi polar), having anger is one thing, she took it to another level and it had been building.

 

 

I know it really is unforgivable but I am the type of guy who is reasonable & I have told her that I do forgive her.

 

 

She used such force that there were bruises left all round my neck for days after that, I got my parents to take photos of my injuries (just incase.)

 

 

I agree that her anger had been building & she was looking for something to explode over, no matter how trivial it may seem.

 

 

Either way, it's good NC is in place because she's not thinking clearly and physically IS dangerous. She's damn lucky you didn't call 911.

 

I have been screaming that to myself that she isn't thinking clearly & is in denial. I know her sisters boyfriends are scared of her after her threats & understandably so.

 

 

I just don't know what gives her the right to threaten to harm anyone who wrongs her sister, that should be the fathers job (if he absolutely must have to in a situation where the boyfriend turned goofy.)

 

 

Yes, well I didn't want to dob her in it to the Police because I love her & genuinely thought at that time that I could get her some help but she didn't want to listen.

 

 

She even had the cheek to say to me "if anyone asks why we're on a break, tell them that we had an argument because I'm sure you wouldn't want them to know the real reason would you?"

 

 

What's the real reason then? Because you assaulted me? Cheeky mare suggesting that, couldn't believe it!

[ThorntonMelon]

I apologized for the troll accusation.

 

And there's nothing laughable here.

 

I think the thing that is most illustrative to me ( and I think I may suffer from to a degree) is that he doesn't see bad behavior (animal abuse, tire slashing, raging behavior) as bad or as connecting to the person doing the behavior. It's almost as if he splits the behaviors from the person. Which in essence means the person can do no wrong, because their actions are not a reflection of who they are, just isolated occurrences.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

He loves her and that's all he can see and focus on, losing her means losing himself too.

 

 

Spot on. Can't help it but it's how I feel currently.

 

Depressed Fiance, has she acted moody/bitchy/rude/mean before? Swore at you, her parents and just been cruel in the past?

 

 

Yes. My parents have noticed that in their company she has got a bit horrible with me on occasion: For example if I asked her if she wanted a glass of juice or something, she would sulk back "no it's fine I'll tell you if I want something" whilst pulling a face.

 

 

She would also be sarcastic with me & blow small minor things out of proportion.

 

 

Sometimes she would also be rude to me if I asked simply if she was ok or how was her day, she would snap back "I don't want to talk about it so stop asking right."

 

 

She's never really sworn at me no, but as I said in the original post she swore at her mum that night as well as being sarcastic to her.

 

 

She's sworn at her parents countless times & that tells me that she has zero respect for them. They let her away with it because I think they are afraid of her even.

 

 

if so, then she does have some mental illness and things escalated and turned violent. And that's not good at all, you should be cautious of her, and keep your distance.

 

 

I would naturally be wary of her if we got back together & would feel like I'm looking over my shoulder all the time which essentially is not the right normal way to live, it would just be caution all the time.

 

This is why I am questioning your own mindset about this. Really think about your R with her and shi.tty she's made you feel at times.

 

 

A few times but not that often.

[amaysngrace]

You escaped a bullet. Please don't go back to her.

 

Once you're married it just makes it more difficult to leave. Once you have children, even more so.

 

How would you feel about going to work knowing that you're leaving your toddler alone with her to be looked after?

[GorillaTheater]

Spot on. Can't help it but it's how I feel currently.

 

I hope time cures you of it, and the less time the better.

 

Right now you're a person who's apparently addicted to something very toxic. Like meth, or Desperate Housewives.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

You escaped a bullet. Please don't go back to her.

 

Once you're married it just makes it more difficult to leave. Once you have children, even more so.

 

How would you feel about going to work knowing that you're leaving your toddler alone with her to be looked after?

 

I would be quite wary I must add if I went to work knowing that she can harm someone, it would always be on my mind if I'm honest.

[amaysngrace]

I would be quite wary I must add if I went to work knowing that she can harm someone, it would always be on my mind if I'm honest.

 

That's your future. I know it's not a patten of how she's been all along but she has shown you just what she is capable of.

 

It's scary isn't it?

 

Forget anything good about her. That's the side she portrayed for you to put a ring on her finger. This other side will show up more and more often once you walk her down the aisle.

 

And you will be stuck in a life that is miserable.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

That's your future. I know it's not a patten of how she's been all along but she has shown you just what she is capable of.

 

It's scary isn't it?

 

Forget anything good about her. That's the side she portrayed for you to put a ring on her finger. This other side will show up more and more often once you walk her down the aisle.

 

And you will be stuck in a life that is miserable.

 

Yes it is scary that behaviour she portrayed.

 

 

I think your post has summed her up very well.

[amaysngrace]

Yes it is scary that behaviour she portrayed.

 

I think your post has summed her up very well.

 

I lived it, that's the only reason how I know.

 

Abusers can be so charming, especially to weak prey. So stay strong and she will find someone else to treat terribly but it won't be you.

 

Stay strong.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Abusers can be so charming, especially to weak prey. So stay strong and she will find someone else to treat terribly but it won't be you.

 

 

And the same will happen again, she will defeat them & then the next victim and so on.

 

 

Do you think she is destined for a life on her own?