I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[BC1980]

 

I don't fully understand though.

 

Could you reiterate the facts if you don't mind?

 

She is manipulating and controlling you because she holds the cards. She decides when you can talk and when you can't. She knows that you will return at the drop of a hat. If she can physically assault you, and you still want her back. . . . well, I'm not sure how far she would have to go for you to actually decide to leave her. She could probably cheat on you, and you would take her back.

 

You tried to assert some control by calling her, but she shut you down again. She said you need to wait for her to reach out. Her reaction is causing you to feel completely out of control, and you want to call her again. Again, she pulls the strings here, which is why you have become so angry.

 

The facts: she abused your boundaries and trust, threw the engagement ring at you, and kicked you out of the house. You want her back, but she is currently not speaking to you.

[Justaguy30]

How would she feel if you did that to her? Do you think she would still care about you. That is about the most childish way to end a relationship there is. My ex and I got into it a few times and she beat the **** out of me and I pushed her down on the couch because she was punching me in the face. Did she stop talking to me the next day because of it, no. Should I have left her the first time she did that to me, YES! So stop trying to figure out how she feels and realize you want nothing to do with someone who would hit you man! If you hit someone or try and choke them you don't love them. It sounds like she has a personality disorder or something. She doesn't know how to deal with her emotions so they come out violently sometimes. You do not want that trust me. I went through it my ex's husband put up with it for years and years. Just be happy its over dude. Remember every time she acted like a little child and move on.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

There is nothing to understand when it comes to a controlling manipulator. They only care about themselves and are only out for number 1 and that person is not you.

 

 

 

Would you agree that they can appear normal & charming from the start of the relationship and change when they start wanting different things?

 

 

I really don't understand it because she was just 3 days beforehand saying that we should go to look at wedding venues bla bla & that she had bought her dress etc.

 

 

And don't say it's because she had doubts about marrying me because that is utter tosh.

 

 

If doesn't make sense now because what she did doesn't make sense and it never will so don't sit around trying to figure it out for months.

 

Can't help it though. I'm like a detective trying to understand her motive & that's what's driving me insane not being able to know, she owes me that at least.

[ThorntonMelon]

Her motive is that she no longer wants to be with you.

[amaysngrace]

Her motive is that she no longer wants to be with you.

 

...or wanted him dead

[Hollywood-Tourist]

She is manipulating and controlling you because she holds the cards. She decides when you can talk and when you can't. She knows that you will return at the drop of a hat. If she can physically assault you, and you still want her back. . . . well, I'm not sure how far she would have to go for you to actually decide to leave her.

 

 

If it's any help, she has always been sulky/moody in general & would sometimes have quiet/silent spells not just with me but even with her parents & sister.

 

 

She is cocky, outgoing, sly, vindictive, full of herself & a fantasist.

 

 

But I didn't get as far as being able to tell her that I want her back providing she gets some professional help, if I could have just got that through to her then who knows?

[Justaguy30]

Have some self respect. I made a total fool of myself with a woman, she cheated, beat me and did all sorts of horrible things and I still loved her. Do not do that to yourself because its not worth it. You just look weak. Block her, be an *******. Do not care, she doesn't why should you. Be a man and walk away. I wish I would have....

[Justaguy30]

She had been questioning the whole thing the entire time and was just going along with it. Don't look at yourself and think you are not good enough for her. Its not you dude its just what she wants and its nothing to do with you. You could be everything she ever wanted but maybe that isn't what she wants. Some people are nuts.. The fact is yeah she doesn't want to marry you. I am not trying to be harsh and I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings I just want you to see that its over so you can save yourself all of the BS I went though and it was a lot man! I made myself look like a real chump and I am not. I was just so love sick. Be love sick, be hurt, feel the pain but do not let her know about it. Talking to her will not help anything it will just make you look pathetic and if she is going to come back it won't be because of anything you have said it will be because you have not said anything. NC is the only way she would come back if she was going to and you don't need someone like that in your life anyway. Go sell the ring and throw a ****ing party!

[Hollywood-Tourist]

How would she feel if you did that to her? Do you think she would still care about you. That is about the most childish way to end a relationship there is.

 

 

She'd feel outraged if I did that to her. No she wouldn't care about me after that I'm quite sure.

 

 

But there was no reason for her to want out of the relationship IF that's what it comes down to.

 

 

We were talking about & making future plans so there's no reason for her to want that.

 

 

So stop trying to figure out how she feels and realize you want nothing to do with someone who would hit you man!

 

 

She is a man beater.

 

 

If you hit someone or try and choke them you don't love them. It sounds like she has a personality disorder or something.

 

 

Her Dad told me that a few years ago she apparently had 'an episode' and was treated for depression too - could be related to the attack?

 

 

She doesn't know how to deal with her emotions so they come out violently sometimes.

 

 

Is that part of a personality order?

[Justaguy30]

Its hard to say if she actually has a personality disorder. She attacked you because she felt really bad about something she did. Which may have been breaking up with you. Do yourself a favor and just realize that its over and start the healing process there. Stop hanging on to the why and how and it was a good relationship stuff. Its over bro

[Hollywood-Tourist]

She had been questioning the whole thing the entire time and was just going along with it.

 

 

I don't believe that - I just don't get why she would.

 

 

She was so in love with me it was overwhelming in a way, even family & friends said they had never seen a couple so in love with each other & that it was refreshing.

 

 

The fact is yeah she doesn't want to marry you.

 

At the moment.

 

 

And she was the one who kept mentioning wanting to marry me after 6 months of dating & even when we were engaged she kept saying how she couldn't wait until the wedding etc.

 

 

She's a ****ing puzzle.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Do yourself a favor and just realize that its over and start the healing process there.

 

Very well, but I can't rest until I know some reasons from her for the attack besides other factors.

 

 

I am owed that and at the very least an apology from her.

[whichwayisup]

But this was the first time that we had ever had a violent altercation, of course we've bickered in the past but never ever been violent before.

 

 

She lost it that night & now I'm being made to pay the price for it - where's the fairness in that?

 

You know the truth. It doesn't matter if she is blaming you, she is messed in the head and abusers blame everybody but themselves. I'm sure she's blamed her parents for things as well.

 

I disagree about it being the need to end it on my terms.

 

 

I didn't want it to end the relationship (which is the way it's looking) so it was basically her calling the shots & was in no way a mutual agreement.

 

 

It's the fact that she calls the shots, I don't get any say in the matter & her decision is final attitude that fobs me off.

 

Welcome to life. Things sometimes don't go your way. In relationships, when one person wants out and they are done, there's absolutely nothing you (general you) can do to hang onto the person and make them stay. You can try to get her back but you're wasting your time. She chose to end it and means it. You have no choice but to accept it and not try to woo her back. Especially since she is an abuser...Some people are not worth fighting for!

 

Something inside of her switched, she's had some kind of break down and obviously this was building for a while, she just exploded on you! ONE time is enough so I hope for your sake you don't get her back, unless you want end up in the hospital next time.

[whichwayisup]

Very well, but I can't rest until I know some reasons from her for the attack besides other factors.

 

 

I am owed that and at the very least an apology from her.

 

Yes but you'll never get the apology you're hoping for.

 

And, she probably isn't going to give you reasons as to why she lost it on you, why she ended it with you.

 

Allow yourself time to process this and journal out your thoughts with pen and paper. It's theraputic.

[Justaguy30]

Trust me dude, you do not want to invest anymore in this woman and especially not in marriage. She is not stable, that whole she was so in love with you it was weird is a red flag!!! Just let it be over because it won't get better until she does. Maybe she will seek help and get balanced and a year from now you guys will try again but not now.. Not like this... Focus on getting over her with no hope of getting back together. Its for your own good man. I was in a relationship with a woman that beat me up and I almost got put in the hospital, she wound up threatening me with knives.. Its a protective thing, you were challenging her and she struck. Until she figures her emotions out and gets balanced she will always be like that. Always. Think man! Do you want to marry someone that will treat you like crap. Also if she is BPD you can look forward to being constantly lied to and probably cheated on.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

It doesn't matter if she is blaming you, she is messed in the head and abusers blame everybody but themselves. I'm sure she's blamed her parents for things as well.

 

 

All of that I believe & especially about blaming her parents. She would fall out with them from time to time & would say things like she didn't want to hear there response & would generally sulk for days before speaking to them (petty but true.)

 

 

She would swear at them & think nothing of that behaviour nor would she apologise. I do actually think her parents are scared of her, hence why they let her get away with things.

 

Something inside of her switched, she's had some kind of break down and obviously this was building for a while, she just exploded on you!

 

 

If I hadn't have been there that night who knows, would her parents have been on the receiving end of her 'explosion'?

 

 

Either way, what a ****ty way to deal with it.

 

 

ONE time is enough so I hope for your sake you don't get her back, unless you want end up in the hospital next time.

 

 

You're talking me round & making me see sense, more sense than I had earlier tonight.

[Justaguy30]

He is absolutely right, if she is willing to treat her family like that she will definitely do it to you. It sounds like she has a personality disorder. Be rid of her!

[tim_tom]

And she was the one who kept mentioning wanting to marry me after 6 months of dating & even when we were engaged she kept saying how she couldn't wait until the wedding etc.

 

 

She's a ****ing puzzle.

 

Same thing happened to me my friend, my ex was taking me around look at rings a week before BU and showing my family and children the wedding venue she wanted 4 days before BU. She was more anxious to get married then me.

 

I will never understand that as long as I live.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Trust me dude, you do not want to invest anymore in this woman and especially not in marriage. She is not stable, that whole she was so in love with you it was weird is a red flag!!!

 

 

Yeah, the more you throw these words at me such as her not being stable or ****ed in the head, the more I start to begin to see what a fruitcake she is.

 

 

I do believe she did love me, she wouldn't have wasted 2yrs with me if she felt nothing surely? C'mon man!

 

 

Maybe she will seek help and get balanced and a year from now you guys will try again but not now.

 

 

I can't think that far ahead. I just want it to be done with and no more torture.

 

 

Do you want to marry someone that will treat you like crap. Also if she is BPD you can look forward to being constantly lied to.

 

 

Ideally not but then again that is part of her 'package'.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Same thing happened to me my friend, my ex was taking me around look at rings a week before BU and showing my family and children the wedding venue she wanted 4 days before BU. She was more anxious to get married then me.

 

I will never understand that as long as I live.

 

That's women mate!

 

 

I presume you're not with her any more?

[tim_tom]

That's women mate!

 

 

I presume you're not with her any more?

 

 

BU was a month ago. She asked me to lunch tomorrow, I didn't respond. Not interested. It will only make moving on harder, and frankly, someone who could leave so quickly and coldly is not someone I want to move further with. I'd never trust her enough to marry her. Having been through a divorce with kids, I can promise you this.. getting out now before the financial entanglements and children is a godsend. I still haven't recovered financially from divorce, and my ex is so difficult I get I fight with her like once a month about the kids. Just a mess

[Justaguy30]

I am not saying she didn't love you, I am sure she did but when you are in love with someone you want to talk to them every day and be with them. She isn't in love with you anymore. She might love you like I love my friend who ever but not the kind of love you have in a good relationship. The problem is you still love her and that will honestly take some time to heal from. The point that I am trying to get across to you is that you need to start healing from the stance that its over and that you are over it for such and such reasons. Not healing from the idea that she left you. Also if I were you I wouldn't go poking around trying to get info because it will just make things worse. Block her from everything, unfriend her family on FB. Just be done with it. When you do get all healed up you will feel much better about yourself having not dragged yourself through the mud trying to get her back. I made that mistake and I am ashamed with myself. Listen to everyone here, if she ended it its over. If she wanted a chance of having you back she would still be contacting you saying things like she needs time or blah blah. Plus everything in your lives would always be your fault. She will not take responsibly for her actions. Number one, never ever date someone that refuses to say sorry. Never.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

BU was a month ago. She asked me to lunch tomorrow, I didn't respond. Not interested. It will only make moving on harder, and frankly, someone who could leave so quickly and coldly is not someone I want to move further with. I'd never trust her enough to marry her. Having been through a divorce with kids, I can promise you this.. getting out now before the financial entanglements and children is a godsend. I still haven't recovered financially from divorce, and my ex is so difficult I get I fight with her like once a month about the kids. Just a mess

 

Good for you mate, seems you've got the right attitude.

 

 

By not responding to her lunch request, that's bound to sting her in the tits - sod her, she deserves it from what you've said.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

She will not take responsibly for her actions. Number one, never ever date someone that refuses to say sorry. Never.

 

Why, is it because she is dangerous?

[Justaguy30]

Believe that my friend, Just wait until its 5 years from now and two kids. See how that works out for you. It won't.