I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[Antares]

So, all that being said, I need to ask this:

 

• Do I report her to the Police (not only out of revenge but for my safety & her safety?)
  

I feel that because she has 'called the shots' by imposing a no contact thing, said she wants space & has basically f*cked me up emotionally that I have to get back at her in some form, I can't let this go until I get even.

 

• Forget about her? (but let myself be messed up even more emotionally)
  

• Or stuff her poxy rules & go round to her place effectively taking control of the situation by verbally putting her in her place?
  

The only thing that is stopping me & has stopped me from going to the Police so far is incase I get charged with assault and end up with a criminal conviction unfairly.

 

 

Will the Police genuinely see through her or will they believe her since she is a woman & has come out of the fight with more physical injuries than me?

 

 

My 'injuries' are/were bruises to my neck (which I have date stamped photos of) & I am emotionally wrecked. Everyday is a struggle and I have not felt like my usual self since the night of the attack.

 

 

I can actually feel the chemical imbalance of my brain through the emotional trauma, so surely that is a factor from the fight?

 

 

Noooooo. You have to move on. Calling the police is not the right course of action. Certainly not out of revenge or some sense of security for those around her. Your head is a mess right now...you're literally spinning from playing the Hero and calling the cops to protect others against her abuse to running over to her to her house and putting her in her place.

 

Listen. She is not your problem anymore. End of.

 

I just read through this entire thread and I feel for you. You're basically put into two categories; dumped and abused. Those of us who have been dumped feel that desperate need to contact the Dumper, want more closure, reconciliation, etc. But you've been abused in an unhealthy relationship so that adds another more intense aspect to this situation.

 

Judging from your posts - if everything is factual - than I'd say that you and your Ex have self esteem issues. You've been in a bad relationship and dumped and those of us who have been dumped can relate to the desperation of longing for the Dumper.

 

But you're also the poor dog as well. I don't mean to be offensive, but I think she really had you in her web. It's tough to see in the moment, and it's not really your fault either. I mean, I'm sure you had great times and loved her dearly, but she also clearly used that love to control you. (And how she interacts with everyone)

 

From the examples you've posted, I get the sense that her abusive actions towards to and others stems from her desire for control. She's completely narcissistic, self centered and ... perceives herself as the true victim. She also has communication issues and blames others for not fixing her issues when and how she wants them fixed.

 

Notice how she lashed out at you when she believed that you liked someone on FB. She immediately feared loosing control over you. And then she acted out.

 

That's why she probably truly believes it's your fault. It's the dogs fault. It's her parents fault. It will never be her fault because in her mind, she's always the victim. And she's the victim because she doesn't get her way.

 

Going to the Police now, or even calling her in any way would only allow her to feel like the victim more so and, oddly, allow her to feel justified in 'defending' herself against her perceived attacks. She'll lash out more against you because you're wrecking the image she has in her mind of events. She will not let anyone alter that.

 

As tough as it is, the best course of action is to walk away. NEVER speak to her again. I know that's tough. Going from an engagement and wedding bells and a lifetime of love to never speaking again, but that's what this is. And you should count yourself lucky.

 

Imagine if you had married her, this would come out eventually. And honestly, deep down she doesn't respect you (or anyone for that matter) Eventually her self esteem issues would manifest, her trust in you would decrease and she would find a reason to make you the bad guy. You would then do all you could to make her happy, to fix her, to make the situation better. And nothing would work. You two would spiral downward into a loveless life. (Or a life where she hates you and you love her entirely). Almost like that poor puppy who needs his owner to love him. You would eventually realize how much she hates you and everyone else. You might even witness her actions against her children and others.

 

Is that the life you want?

 

I doubt it.

 

I know you really don't want revenge. But the best revenge you can give her, is to never speak to her again. Honestly she will never feel remorse or accountability anyways and if you ever got back with her, she would use this incident against you for the rest of your life. She would hang it over your head and guilt you forever. She will have thought she 'won', and you would have 'lost'. She would be in control. You, not.

 

You want the perfect picture you had in your head of what your relationship was. That's what you want back. But it's gone. It may have never even existed. Now it's your chance to learn from this, and to find it with someone else.

[BC1980]

Even if you went to the police, you have no proof that would hold up in a court of law. You have pictures, but what proof do you have that she was the cause of the bruises? You would be buying yourself more time and trouble going that route. Definitely don't go to her house. The situation is far too volatile for a face to face confrontation.

[amaysngrace]

You're dreaming of her because you're struggling with your feelings for her in your waking life.

 

That's normal.

[tim_tom]

DF.. i think our stories are a bit similar... I'd suggest you go to therapy asap.. I just came back from my first appt and feel better then I have in a long time (even back into the relationship)

 

My ex was controlling and abusive, and I was too much of a doormat to stand up for myself, hearing a trained psychologist tell you that, rather then friends.. goes a long way towards waking you up..

 

I am sure I will have more setbacks, and am by no means "cured"... but feeling good here and now, feels awesome.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I am slowly getting better each day but know deep down that I still have a long long way to go before I feel 'normal' again.

[Strength in Healing]

I am slowly getting better each day but know deep down that I still have a long long way to go before I feel 'normal' again.

 

You're ahead of the game then. Most people feel good for a day and think YAY I AM OVER MY EX!

 

In reality, it's a roller coaster that you didn't ever want to ride, and it causes everyone to get sick.

 

You go through many ups and downs. The difference is, with each down, they become less and less frequent.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

You're ahead of the game then. Most people feel good for a day and think YAY I AM OVER MY EX!

 

In reality, it's a roller coaster that you didn't ever want to ride, and it causes everyone to get sick.

 

You go through many ups and downs. The difference is, with each down, they become less and less frequent.

 

I get good & bad days but the more I think of how she treated me at the end & how she manipulated me, that helps me see her in a different light.

 

 

The 'anger' comes through and I see the cow for what she is........a narcissist sociopath.

[Strength in Healing]

I get good & bad days but the more I think of how she treated me at the end & how she manipulated me, that helps me see her in a different light.

 

 

The 'anger' comes through and I see the cow for what she is........a narcissist sociopath.

 

A narcissistic sociopath? That's pretty rare. I am getting my dr. in psychology. Tell me about her behavior?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

If you know what a Narcissistic Sociopath is then you'll know what they are capable of and what their 'traits' are.

 

 

She ticked just about every box.

 

 

She was violent at the very end.

[Jules Dash]

Diagnosing someone with a psychiatric condition is complex and takes at least 8 years of medical training in addition to passing medical boards to weed out those who probably shouldn't be diagnosing people with complex psychiatric conditions in the 1st place.

 

This sort of practice of medicine is common here and I am sure it is more related to anger than so many physicians hanging out on a relationship site. You two were not compatible. That is more likely than any thing else.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Made an appointment with my GP again today, I'm going next week to discuss my Depression.

 

 

It's now getting quite severe I feel, I feel suicidal now so I'm getting help before it's too late.

 

 

I know I'm doing the right thing.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Update:

 

 

Today I logged into Facebook & I had a friends request come through from one of my fiancés best friends.

 

 

Now I don't know her best friend, I just know of her & have met her once or twice.

 

 

I don't understand why she would send me a friends request now when throughout the 2yrs of our relationship I was never asked to be her friend (well because there was no reason to & there still isn't any reason to.)

 

 

It's got me wondering.

 

 

What do we reckon?

[tim_tom]

Update:

 

 

Today I logged into Facebook & I had a friends request come through from one of my fiancés best friends.

 

 

Now I don't know her best friend, I just know of her & have met her once or twice.

 

 

I don't understand why she would send me a friends request now when throughout the 2yrs of our relationship I was never asked to be her friend (well because there was no reason to & there still isn't any reason to.)

 

 

It's got me wondering.

 

 

What do we reckon?

 

 

Reject it and move on.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Reject it.

 

 

I did do.

 

 

But I don't understand why I would get a request from her, I barely know her.

[tim_tom]

Made an appointment with my GP again today, I'm going next week to discuss my Depression.

 

 

It's now getting quite severe I feel, I feel suicidal now so I'm getting help before it's too late.

 

 

I know I'm doing the right thing.

 

Ah buddy, get into therapy quickly. It's done me a world of good.

 

This goes for the post above too, but my therapist lets me talk a bit about my ex but then anytime I bring her up she tries to steer me towards the future.. ie. That person is in your past, the relationship wasn't healthy for you and continuing to go over it from different angles will only delay you escaping from depression.. Move forward, like time.. second by second just keep going forward

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Ah buddy, get into therapy quickly. It's done me a world of good.

 

 

I am looking forward to the therapy because I no longer feel like myself & just want to be myself again.

 

 

But I disagree when you said the relationship wasn't healthy or right, we were so happy together & had made so many plans, my family loved her & got along, as did I to her family.

 

 

It's just the fight part that has really messed things up, especially when she is the one who is at fault there mainly.

 

 

I just want to put it right & have done all I can in the meantime..............

[tim_tom]

I am looking forward to the therapy because I no longer feel like myself & just want to be myself again.

 

 

But I disagree when you said the relationship wasn't healthy or right, we were so happy together & had made so many plans, my family loved her & got along, as did I to her family.

 

 

It's just the fight part that has really messed things up, especially when she is the one who is at fault there mainly.

 

 

I just want to put it right & have done all I can in the meantime..............

 

From what I read you were with an abusive controlling person. One of my female friends had asked a bunch of questions about my relationship and tried to tell me this, I thought she was trying to make me feel better. I thought we were happy and loving. My therapist asked me a bunch about the relationship and told me the same thing, which validated it. I simply confused her controlling and jealous behavior as being a symptom of love, not abuse . Reading that link I sent you a week or so go, about signs of a potentially abusive was really eye opening. Did you read it? I bet she ticks a lot of those boxes as mine did

[whichwayisup]

Update:

 

 

Today I logged into Facebook & I had a friends request come through from one of my fiancés best friends.

 

 

Now I don't know her best friend, I just know of her & have met her once or twice.

 

 

I don't understand why she would send me a friends request now when throughout the 2yrs of our relationship I was never asked to be her friend (well because there was no reason to & there still isn't any reason to.)

 

 

It's got me wondering.

 

 

What do we reckon?

 

I hope you rejected the friend request.

 

Don't read into it. Just reject and forget about it.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

From what I read you were with an abusive controlling person. One of my female friends had asked a bunch of questions about my relationship and tried to tell me this, I thought she was trying to make me feel better. I thought we were happy and loving. My therapist asked me a bunch about the relationship and told me the same thing, which validated it. I simply confused her controlling and jealous behavior as being a symptom of love, not abuse . Reading that link I sent you a week or so go, about signs of a potentially abusive was really eye opening. Did you read it? I bet she ticks a lot of those boxes as mine did

 

Yes I did read the link and she did indeed tick all of the boxes, it was a very interesting link.

 

 

I can't believe how similar our stories are!

 

 

I hope you rejected the friend request.

 

 

Yes I did reject it.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I found this particular interesting section about when you part ways with a sociopath partner:

 

 

When a relationship with a sociopath ends, it’s on par with losing someone through death. Why is the grief so intense? Probably because there was never a normal closure when a so-called relationship with a sociopath ends.

 

When we end romantic relationships with healthy partners, there is usually the final, mutual conversation where one side says, “I love you but it’s just not working” and the other side says “I love you, too, and I agree it’s not working.” You go your separate ways; there is no drama; there is no second-guessing. You move forward and deal every day with the gradual subsiding of the pain and grief of losing a person you once shared a life.

 

And you always remember that person and how he/she shaped you and helped prepare you for the next relationship.

When the toxic relationship with a sociopath ends, we never experience the mutual conversation or the drama-free exit and separation. Instead, what we get from a sociopath is emptiness and lies.

 

If you leave the sociopath, she’ll say, “Thank God I don’t have to endure you any more. I should have realized long ago that I was wasting my energy on you.” If he is the one to leave, he’ll say, “It’s just not working out. I don’t love you and never really loved you the way you wanted me to love you. We would have made each other miserable. Have a great life.”

[Georgia2014]

I will try to keep this as short as possible. I'm hoping you can help/advise me asap as I feel I am losing the love of my life.

 

Just over a month ago I went to see my fiancé at her place (she still lives with her parents) in the early evening to catch up etc. She appeared to be quiet & snappy with me after a few hours of being in her company which I put down to her long week at work.

 

As the evening went on I asked her if she was ok to which she said that she was fine. Later on I asked her again & she snapped that if there was something wrong she would tell me - fair enough!

 

She didn't want dinner so I ordered a take-away for myself. When it arrived I was eating in the garden as it was sunny (she was sat next to me sunbathing) & then she went inside as she said she was too hot.

 

I followed inside 5mins later & sat downstairs. She had disappeared upstairs & around 20mins after I finished my dinner I went up to see if she was ok, she appeared ok but looked moody. So I went back downstairs to sit with her parents (giving her space - sensing her mood.) She later came down & we all watched tv.

 

As the night went on she was snapping at her mum for the most minor of things & was getting a bit sarcastic - becoming rather nasty. Her mum did say to her to stop swearing etc. Throughout the tv watching she barely said anything to me.

Shortly after her parents decided to go to bed so they went & turned the light off leaving the tv on for us. 20mins went on & I tried to make small talk with her which resulted in one worded responses.

 

At this point I'd had enough so I said to her that I was going home & not to contact me until she had snapped out of this horrible mood. She then grabbed my arm & said "don't leave me" so I said I'm not leaving you, I'm just leaving the situation.

 

She then said that her gran was unwell & that she felt she was the only one looking after her. She then accused me of saying that I like a picture of a famous woman on facebook. WTF!

 

Now the scary part..........

 

So I took a deep breath & stood up, & as I turned round (she must have shot up) & I felt both her hands round my neck pressing really tightly & this look of madness in her eyes. : : I found myself doing the same to her (to try and free myself.) This was the first time we have ever had a physical confrontation or even argument in the 2yrs we've been together (it has always been a honest, loyal & happy relationship.)

 

I pushed her onto the couch & I stumbled forward slightly, I then stumbled back by which point she leapt up, jumped on & sat on me & started choking me again. There was no speaking throughout this scuffle.

 

I was shocked & scared at this then suddenly her mum & dad came running downstairs panicking wondering what was going on. Her mum tried to pull her off (with some force as my fiancé is strong for a woman.) I then remember lashing out shouting "get off me" as she was pulled away with a struggle from her mum.

 

As she got up her dad switched the light on & my fiancés nose was bleeding so she ran for a towel then stormed over to me & slammed the engagement ring into my hand & said get out this house before pushing me outside. I apologised & said I didn't realise I had punched her (especially to her face) as I couldn't see exactly where I was 'aiming' because it was pitch black but she said get out so I did & went home.

 

I phoned my parents explaining what had happened & they said not to phone her that night as it will make things worse. So I waited until the next day before phoning her but she ignored my call, I left a message & she texted me to say I could meet her that evening outside. We talked & I apologised profusely & she said she could forgive me for the struggle but not for the punch & that she wanted space for a few days with no contact.

 

Basically I want to know if there is anyway I can get my fiancé back as I truly love her, don't want to lose her especially of this & she said she still loves & cares for me (when I met her the following day?)

 

I am not a violent person & have never hit a woman before but this was a genuine accident. I have told her I will seek counselling for my 'anger' hoping this will help & she said she was pleased to hear this.

 

I hope you can help me here as I'm so depressed & miserable right now & this was just a silly incident that got out of hand.

 

Many thanks

 

You are crazy to want a woman who tried strangling you to death. You hit her in self defense. She sounds like a nut job. Count yourself lucky you didn't marry this woman.

[rosycheeks]

You both aren't healthy for one another.

 

No matter how much you may love her and want her back, this isn't a relationship you should look forward to try and enter again.

 

She strangled you, you hit her...its a done deal.

 

There's nothing left to do except move on and find someone where you'll both live healthy lives and relationships.

 

I certainly would never let my S/O hit me or strangle me and want me back.

That's it after that. No matter how much I loved them, they hurt me physically which is frightful all in itself.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

No matter how much you may love her and want her back, this isn't a relationship you should look forward to try and enter again.

 

 

Just due to the violence?

 

She strangled you, you hit her...its a done deal.

 

But I am the only one who has shown genuine remorse & sorrow for my actions....she hasn't whatsoever.

 

 

I certainly would never let my S/O hit me or strangle me and want me back.

That's it after that. No matter how much I loved them, they hurt me physically which is frightful all in itself.

 

Even if you started it and he hot you would that still be the case?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

You are crazy to want a woman who tried strangling you to death. You hit her in self defense. She sounds like a nut job. Count yourself lucky you didn't marry this woman.

 

Yeah, your totally right and I know this deep down.

[BC1980]

I found this particular interesting section about when you part ways with a sociopath partner:

 

 

When a relationship with a sociopath ends, it’s on par with losing someone through death. Why is the grief so intense? Probably because there was never a normal closure when a so-called relationship with a sociopath ends.

 

When we end romantic relationships with healthy partners, there is usually the final, mutual conversation where one side says, “I love you but it’s just not working” and the other side says “I love you, too, and I agree it’s not working.” You go your separate ways; there is no drama; there is no second-guessing. You move forward and deal every day with the gradual subsiding of the pain and grief of losing a person you once shared a life.

 

And you always remember that person and how he/she shaped you and helped prepare you for the next relationship.

When the toxic relationship with a sociopath ends, we never experience the mutual conversation or the drama-free exit and separation. Instead, what we get from a sociopath is emptiness and lies.

 

If you leave the sociopath, she’ll say, “Thank God I don’t have to endure you any more. I should have realized long ago that I was wasting my energy on you.” If he is the one to leave, he’ll say, “It’s just not working out. I don’t love you and never really loved you the way you wanted me to love you. We would have made each other miserable. Have a great life.”

 

I really doubt that your ex is a sociopath. You have no medical degree that would enable you to diagnose anyone with a psychiatric illness, so stop focusing on her. She sounds messed up, but it's not right to go around calling her a sociopath. That's just ridiculous and melodramatic.

 

No breakup ends with the mythical closure you are looking for. I don't know where you found this information you have posted, but I can tell you that very few breakups end on good terms. It's ridiculous to think that two people just agree to breakup and go their merry ways, looking back fondly on the time spent together.

 

Where in the world did you get this information?