I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Something else I feel I should add which could be related to the abuse:

 

 

She would never really offer to pay for things when we were out & about whether that be a meal, movies or drinks.

 

 

It was always me putting my hand in my pocket. Slowly over time I began to resist paying for things & just kind of gave up, only then did she step in and pay for some things.

 

 

So, do you think by not paying her way for things could be a factor in abuse or is it unrelated?

[Simon Phoenix]

In a way I do take some comfort in the fact that the abuse as such isn't aimed at me directly, her parents have been on the receiving end of it, the dog & god knows who else.

 

How the f--k does this give you comfort? If anything, it shows a greater pattern of horrible behavior on her part. It pretty much blows the "on off" theory you are hoping is true out of the water.

[Zahara]

believe what you will but i'm telling you she was the nicest and most friendliest girl you could meet who got on with everyone in my family.

 

does not match:

 

my parents have noticed that in their company she has got a bit horrible with me on occasion: for example if i asked her if she wanted a glass of juice or something, she would sulk back "no it's fine i'll tell you if i want something" whilst pulling a face.

 

she would also be sarcastic with me & blow small minor things out of proportion.

 

sometimes she would also be rude to me if i asked simply if she was ok or how was her day, she would snap back "i don't want to talk about it so stop asking right."

 

she's never really sworn at me no, but as i said in the original post she swore at her mum that night as well as being sarcastic to her.

 

she's sworn at her parents countless times & that tells me that she has zero respect for them. they let her away with it because i think they are afraid of her even.

 

Hopefully, along with all her other antics, with her ex and the dog, this is another indication that your rational thinking is skewed for now.

Edited September 4, 2014 by Zahara

[lauri]

Depressed, what advice would you give me if I was saying the same things you are? Honestly...if you were my good friend and found out my girlfriend tried to strangle me. I want you to start to re read your posts, comments from others and picture what you are writing as if you were an outsider. Picture it was me...tell me what you would say to me.

 

 

I'm curious to know.

[JunkYardDog]

Sorry to sound rude or not caring but.....

let the guy learn the hard way, I sure as hell did.

 

Sometimes thats the only way.

 

 

People who hit you, who assault you, who abuse you are your ENEMY.

Edited September 4, 2014 by JunkYardDog

[ExpatInItaly]

Something else I feel I should add which could be related to the abuse:

 

 

She would never really offer to pay for things when we were out & about whether that be a meal, movies or drinks.

 

 

It was always me putting my hand in my pocket. Slowly over time I began to resist paying for things & just kind of gave up, only then did she step in and pay for some things.

 

 

So, do you think by not paying her way for things could be a factor in abuse or is it unrelated?

 

No. That does not transform someone into an abuser.

 

Face it, OP: She is a very disturbed woman who is violent and unpredictable. No matter how you explain it, she is a terrible choice in partner and you would be incredibly foolish to build a future with her. She kicked you to the curb - one day,you will thank her for it.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

How the f--k does this give you comfort? If anything, it shows a greater pattern of horrible behavior on her part.

 

 

It gives me comfort because although I was abused by her, I wasn't the only one who has been on the receiving end of it.

[Simon Phoenix]

It gives me comfort because although I was abused by her, I wasn't the only one who has been on the receiving end of it.

 

That's a really ass backwards way to look at it. All it shows is that she has no problem abusing everyone and everything in your path. It shows that it's not an isolated incident and that it's who she is. You are so desperate grabbing for straws that you are making the fact that she abuses and berates everyone a good thing? Dude .....

[Hollywood-Tourist]

All it shows is that she has no problem abusing everyone and everything in your path. It shows that it's not an isolated incident and that it's who she is.

 

But this was the first time she had ever attacked me, so I'd like to think of it as a one-off - the attack on me I mean.

 

 

Ok, I knew from the start that she'd hit her ex & threatened her sisters boyfriends (so she says) and yes it did raise my eyebrows, but I never for one second thought she would inflict any of that behaviour on me.

[Simon Phoenix]

But this was the first time she had ever attacked me, so I'd like to think of it as a one-off - the attack on me I mean.

 

 

Ok, I knew from the start that she'd hit her ex & threatened her sisters boyfriends (so she says) and yes it did raise my eyebrows, but I never for one second thought she would inflict any of that behaviour on me.

 

Well, she did and she almost certainly will again if you ever get back together (which I hope to hell you don't for your sake).

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Well, she did and she almost certainly will again if you ever get back together (which I hope to hell you don't for your sake).

 

I hear you.

 

 

But that is a chance I am willing to take. I love her too much & from what we've done, been through & had in the 2yrs is too much to throw away over a struggle that got out of hand.

[Simon Phoenix]

I hear you.

 

 

But that is a chance I am willing to take. I love her too much & from what we've done, been through & had in the 2yrs is too much to throw away over a struggle that got out of hand.

 

And this is why you need counseling badly. This is just an unbelievably terrible train of thought. All you are saying is that she can do whatever she wants to you because you don't have the inner strength, backbone, dignity and self-respect to find otherwise.

 

I mean, if one of your friends came to you like this, I would hope you'd shake the s--t out of them if they were talking the nonsense you are talking. But hey, maybe you need to get the crap kicked out of you -- figuratively and literally -- before you join the real world and get out of this delusional fog you are living in.

[evanescentworld]

The blind resistance is strong in this one....

 

"Please give me advice on what to do."

 

 

"Leave."

"Leave."

"Leave."

"Leave."

"Leave."

"Leave."

"Leave."

"Leave."

"Leave."

 

"Thank you all for the advice, which is consistent and emphatic. I now plan to do the complete opposite, and ignore good, sound common sense. "

 

Is a summary of how this thread has developped....

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I can't help how I feel about her, everyone is different to how they respond & act on traumatic events.

 

 

If she'd had come at me with a knife then I wouldn't even be writing this post because it would be an immediate no-no & I would be running for the hills & have her charged.

 

 

But, it given the fact that it wasn't a knife & it was her hands that she used to choke me, although that is still in itself a serious thing, I don't consider it as bad as using a knife (I'm going to get slated for this I know.)

 

 

So, I am all for giving second chances (depending on the nature of the attack & the severity of it) and in this case as you can probably tell, I am prepared to do that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I can't help how I feel about her, everyone is different to how they respond & act on traumatic events.

 

 

If she'd had come at me with a knife then I wouldn't even be writing this post because it would be an immediate no-no & I would be running for the hills & have her charged.

 

 

But, it given the fact that it wasn't a knife & it was her hands that she used to choke me, although that is still in itself a serious thing, I don't consider it as bad as using a knife (I'm going to get slated for this I know.)

 

 

So, I am all for giving second chances (depending on the nature of the attack & the severity of it) and in this case as you can probably tell, I am prepared to do that.

 

But she dumped you...

[veggirl]

You're very self-absorbed. You seem to suffer from special snowflake syndrom in that you've convinced yourself its you and her against the world, we just don't get it and you guys are "soulmates".

 

Give me a break.

 

She attacked you. She's attacked a DOG. She attacked her exes.

 

And it might be a "one-off"?

 

Are you serious?

 

Anyway why are you even defending your (stupid) idea to give her a 2nd chance...does she WANT a 2nd chance?

[amaysngrace]

But that is a chance I am willing to take. I love her too much & from what we've done, been through & had in the 2yrs is too much to throw away over a struggle that got out of hand.

 

Wait...What??

 

Go get help for yourself and find out why you disregard yourself so easily please.

 

A healthy-minded person would say that they're too good to be treated this way...even once.

 

You're sick in your head to think dysfunctional behavior is okay. It's not and you're dysfunctional right now for thinking it is.

 

Please get help and work on your own self-esteem. A normal person wouldn't be in love with getting strangled...it'd piss them off and they'd be way too angry to be in love.

 

How dare she put her hands on you in such a life-threatening manner! What are you? Garbage?

 

And now she put you to the curb like garbage yet again....

 

Once is once too many.

[thekid36]

I can't help how I feel about her, everyone is different to how they respond & act on traumatic events.

 

 

If she'd had come at me with a knife then I wouldn't even be writing this post because it would be an immediate no-no & I would be running for the hills & have her charged.

 

 

But, it given the fact that it wasn't a knife & it was her hands that she used to choke me, although that is still in itself a serious thing, I don't consider it as bad as using a knife (I'm going to get slated for this I know.)

 

 

So, I am all for giving second chances (depending on the nature of the attack & the severity of it) and in this case as you can probably tell, I am prepared to do that.

 

Did you make out a list of pros and cons in relation with trying to salvage something here? It just seems that there is quite a bit of risk involved on your end. Yes, we all tend to make mistakes. Sure, we should consider giving our partner a second or even third chance. The only difference here is that your life was actually sort of threatened. Does not matter how she actually attacked you. The point here is that you have been attacked.

 

 

I also think that you should consider the caring versus love aspect of it a little more. Is your point of wanting to stay together saving her? It is admirable that you want to help. You can perhaps help be there still as a friend. This is just maybe not the best point to focus a fulfilling future relationship around.

[PegNosePete]

If she'd had come at me with a knife then I wouldn't even be writing this post because it would be an immediate no-no & I would be running for the hills & have her charged.

Yes because death by strangulation is a lot less severe than death by stabbing?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

She attacked you. She's attacked a DOG. She attacked her exes.

 

And it might be a "one-off"?

 

Are you serious?

 

I believe she does want a second chance.

 

 

I am going to contact her tomorrow to find out where we stand.

[GorillaTheater]

I believe she does want a second chance.

 

 

I am going to contact her tomorrow to find out where we stand.

 

If I was standing next to you, I'd give you a DiNozzo slap on the back of your head.

[amaysngrace]

How to Recognize a Potentially Abusive Relationship: 13 Steps

[Zahara]

I hear you.

 

 

But that is a chance I am willing to take. I love her too much & from what we've done, been through & had in the 2yrs is too much to throw away over a struggle that got out of hand.

 

A struggle that got out of hand -- or a sign of what's to come.

 

The woman has given you signs that she is abusive to her family, her ex, her dog, you -- and you're still zoning in on this one struggle as if it's an isolated incident.

 

She's a patterned abuser. It's not a one off.

Edited September 4, 2014 by Zahara

[Hollywood-Tourist]

A struggle that got out of hand -- or a sign of what's to come.

 

 

I know you're thinking it's a sign of what's to come. People can change (for the better) & I believe that when she attacked me that it really was a one-off.

 

 

That's why I want her back & am willing to give her a second chance.

 

The woman has given you signs that she is abusive to her family, her ex, her dog, you -- and you're still zoning in on this one incident.

 

Because I'm making myself go crazy with worry because I miss her so so much, it hurts so much.

 

 

I physically feel sick & just feel empty.

 

 

The Dr thinks I have clinical depression as a result of the incident.

[GorillaTheater]

The Dr thinks I have clinical depression as a result of the incident.

 

Then your priority is dealing with that, ASAP. The best combination is generally AD meds, counseling, and lots of exercise.

 

People make lousy decisions when depressed. The evidence of that is painted all over this thread.