I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

People make lousy decisions when depressed.

 

I can't help being depressed, it's just my body's reaction to a very painful experience.

 

 

It's not a nice place to be & it's pretty dam scary.

[amaysngrace]

The Dr thinks I have clinical depression as a result of the incident.

 

Nice so just one incident caused you that much mental distress?

 

What's your mind going to be five years from now?

[GorillaTheater]

I can't help being depressed, it's just my body's reaction to a very painful experience.

 

 

It's not a nice place to be & it's pretty dam scary.

 

Of course you can't help being depressed; people who are clinically depressed aren't there voluntarily. But what I said remains true, and I speak from personal experience: depressed thinking causes us to make poor choices.

 

Get yourself some help before you make any decisions regarding your relationship.

[Zahara]

I know you're thinking it's a sign of what's to come. People can change (for the better) & I believe that when she attacked me that it really was a one-off.

 

If she has never abused her parents, her dog, turned violent on her ex -- then you can say, it was a one off. She has never in her life behaved this way -- yes, then a one off. Maybe something to pay attention to. This was not a one off.

 

Change takes long-term commitment and effort. First, is acknowledging their shortcomings. Then dedicating themselves to wanting change. She doesn't even think she did anything wrong. She put it all on you and dumped you. What change are you speaking of?

 

That's why I want her back & am willing to give her a second chance.

 

You want her back because you are dependent and weak.

 

Because I'm making myself go crazy with worry because I miss her so so much, it hurts so much.

 

It hurts every single person that goes through a break-up. You are not the exception, not even the 2 years of history you have had. Hurt is never a justification or reason to go back to a toxic situation.

 

I physically feel sick & just feel empty.

 

And again, normal but never a reason to revisit a toxic situation. You're seeking to revisit because you need relief to comfort your pain.

 

The Dr thinks I have clinical depression as a result of the incident.

 

Then it would be wise to get that treated first before you make any decisions.

[lauri]

I'm sorry, but you are much better than this.

 

I'm disappointed in you for accepting someone who will treat you, her family, her ex's and her dog like trash. I'm disappointed that you refuse to take everyone's advice here, who have spent time and energy trying to help you be with someone better.

 

I'm disappointed because you have a chance today to become better, stronger and walk away from this clean. I can promise you, as I told you about my situation with my cousin, this girl is crazy enough to throw you in jail one day or do much worse to you. I understand you are depressed, but the good thing is you realize this. This means you can take the steps to move forward.

 

Stop pretending you are worthless. I believe you are much much much than that...your ex may not see it but I know it and so does everyone else. I know these are just words to you, but please don't contact your ex again. Instead, contact someone for help. Nothing will make me happier than to log on here in 6 months seeing you being in a better place after you've taken care of yourself.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Nice so just one incident caused you that much mental distress?

 

Yes it did.

 

 

People can become traumatised at the slightest of things.

[amaysngrace]

People can become traumatised at the slightest of things.

 

It wasn't the slightest of things. She strangled you with a crazy look in her eyes.

 

In time she will strip away any self-worth that you have left. And it will be even harder and harder to leave because you obviously don't care much about yourself already.

 

You're in denial my friend.

[veggirl]

I believe she does want a second chance.

 

 

I am going to contact her tomorrow to find out where we stand.

 

ooookay. You are one of those couples that god forbid you ever do get married will stand in front of your family and friends and talk about how many ups and downs you overcame w/ each other and zomg but we made it....then you'll be divorced in under 7 yrs.

 

I know you're thinking it's a sign of what's to come. People can change (for the better) & I believe that when she attacked me that it really was a one-off.

 

WHY do you think this was a one-off? WHAT would make you think that when YOU KNOW she has a history of this stuff? What makes you think YOU are so special that you can change her and you are the exception to the rule? You AREN'T. In case you haven't noticed!

 

 

The Dr thinks I have clinical depression as a result of the incident.

 

What dr? A therapist?

 

Are you trying to say a doctor says you have depression because you aren't with an abuser and so you should chase her back?

 

did the "doctor" say anything about your self-esteem, self-respect....?

[whichwayisup]

I hear you.

 

 

But that is a chance I am willing to take. I love her too much & from what we've done, been through & had in the 2yrs is too much to throw away over a struggle that got out of hand.

 

This isn't just a 'struggle' that got out of hand! That just opened the door to more violence to happen and next time it could be worse!

 

Her behaviour overall, the way she treats everybody, not just you. Such venom and disrespect to her own parents, why on earth would think she's going to treat you any better?

 

Nobody here can help you...You need to hit your own rock bottom, maybe be abused a bit more by her, both physically and emotionally before you wake up and realize the best thing is to NOT be in her life anymore.

 

Wish you luck and all the best.

[whichwayisup]

I can't help how I feel about her, everyone is different to how they respond & act on traumatic events.

 

As I stated earlier, nobody expects you to all of a sudden stop loving her. Of course you love her but you need to let go of her and grieve the loss so you can heal in a healthy way. Hanging on and wanting to have hope IS damaging to you so please do counseling.

 

 

If she'd had come at me with a knife then I wouldn't even be writing this post because it would be an immediate no-no & I would be running for the hills & have her charged.

 

Next time you could end up in the hospital.

 

The recent choking incident should be enough! That is your BIG RED FLAG to exit this relationship immediately.

 

 

But, it given the fact that it wasn't a knife & it was her hands that she used to choke me, although that is still in itself a serious thing, I don't consider it as bad as using a knife (I'm going to get slated for this I know.)

You have a victim's mentality's way of thinking and you're letting your emotions and love for her get in the way and cloud your judgement.

 

So, I am all for giving second chances (depending on the nature of the attack & the severity of it) and in this case as you can probably tell, I am prepared to do that.

 

She's done absolutely NOTHING to be given a second chance. She isn't remorseful, in fact she won't take responsibility for her actions. With you or anybody else.

 

Past behaviour is an indication of future behaviour...She is an abuser, fact!

[whichwayisup]

Yes it did.

 

 

People can become traumatised at the slightest of things.

 

Yet you're willing to go back for more. Even though you're depressed and feeling traumatised by the choking, it's not enough to make you walk away? You're now inviting more violence into your life....

[Ronni_W]

But this was the first time she had ever attacked me, so I'd like to think of it as a one-off - the attack on me I mean.

 

Ok, I knew from the start that she'd hit her ex & threatened her sisters boyfriends (so she says) and yes it did raise my eyebrows, but I never for one second thought she would inflict any of that behaviour on me.

DF,

you do not need a whole lot of logic to know that she is volatile and reacts violently whenever it suits her or she gets in a "mood". You also, I am sure, know deep-down that this will NOT be a one-off...she will have another "mood" at some point, and if you are around you will be her target AGAIN. And again, and again.

 

For whatever reason, you do not want to admit that to yourself right now -- yes, you actually did go ahead and fall in love with a verbally abusive and physically violent person -- but not wanting to admit something is not the same as not KNOWING it to be true, accurate, factual.

I can't help how I feel about her,

Of course you have control over your own feelings...and thoughts. If not you, then who???

You are not powerless and helpless over your own mental-emotional aspects and activities. You are not created/designed to be a victim of your own or anyone else's lowest, most base/animal instincts.

 

That you feel traumatized by this incident is your own mind-body WARNING YOU of danger. You most certainly can help yourself; you do have the power, authority, control to listen and to take proper steps; to do what is needed for YOU to remove yourself permanently from the 'danger zone'.

 

If you exclude all the stuff from the past...let's say, if this happened in the first month or so of the relationship, is this still the woman you would want to get to know better? And if so, why so?

[SoThatHappened]

18 pages of every single person telling you to stay away.

 

18 pages of every single person giving the same advice, over and over and over...

 

I understand heartbreak, but what else do you need man?

 

Just walk away.

 

It really is that simple.

 

Just walk away.

[Simon Phoenix]

I believe she does want a second chance.

 

 

I am going to contact her tomorrow to find out where we stand.

 

I mean, are you going out of your way to be stupid? If she hits in you a face with a cricket paddle will you finally get the hint?

Edited September 4, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[evanescentworld]

Depressed-Fiance, you keep 'liking' posts. Does this mean you're going to follow the advice therein, or you just like how pretty the letters look on a lighter background, and how effective the patterns are?

 

Because you can 'like' the posts all you want.

 

Unless you 'make' what the posts suggest, you might as well not bother, surely?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I'm 'liking' the posts because there's too many replies to answer to individually.

 

 

Can't believe that Simon dude being all arsey - what a tit.

[ThorntonMelon]

Depressed - he's really not being very arsey. You're so far out of your mind right now that you can't see it, but right now we're all very frustrated for you, whether you can see it or not. This is a board of people who are here to support each other through pain and it's very hard to watch someone who's suffering, and even worse, know that it's not going to get better any time soon.

 

Please let us know how your checkin with her goes. I am waiting anxiously.

[William]

Looks like we're over 250 posts in and things are getting a little heated so we'll take a break to help members preserve their posting privileges. Thanks for your participation.

 

Edited to merge similar thread and reopen to topical and respectful comments.

Edited September 7, 2014 by William
Merge and reopen thread.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

If she is so angry because I had punched her in self defence (not forgetting that she started choking me twice and was the instigator of the attack) then why didn't she go to the Police about me if she kept threatening to?

 

 

It's been 1 1/2 months since the fight.

 

 

Is it because she knows deep down that she is in the wrong, therefore in denial & wouldn't have a leg to stand on if the Police became involved?

[infamousma]

maybe because she only threatened you to stay away and to not hurt you because then it would get messier and I dont think either party wants that. At this point its not who's in the wrong because both of you are thinking the same thing that "he/she is in the wrong" and trust me in this case Man V Woman, with police woman will ALWAYS win no matter what...

[Hollywood-Tourist]

maybe because she only threatened you to stay away and to not hurt you because then it would get messier and I dont think either party wants that.

 

 

It will get messier because she has basically not given me a chance to listen to her side of the story on why she choked me & has basically f*cked off imposing a no contact rule so she doesn't have to deal with the aftermath.

 

 

There's no closure for me especially when I'm the victim.

[W101]

If I was you guys, I'd stepback from the facts and just apologize, you was wrong because you punched her (if she attacks you again, just run away...), she was wrong because she choked you, unless either of you are going to do this again and want to go through court drama, why bother?, you've had your warning, why should you have to hear it from an officer of the law?, I would think your closure would be that she choked you TWICE, by human instinct, anyone happily choking the life out of anyone should have you running for the hills and wanting to be far away from her, my advice, leave her to it and when she wants to be heard, let her be heard, until then, keep quiet, not a peep, the strangler is in town!

[whichwayisup]

If she is so angry because I had punched her in self defence (not forgetting that she started choking me twice and was the instigator of the attack) then why didn't she go to the Police about me if she kept threatening to?

 

 

It's been 1 1/2 months since the fight.

 

 

Is it because she knows deep down that she is in the wrong, therefore in denial & wouldn't have a leg to stand on if the Police became involved?

That's exactly why she hasn't gone to the cops. She choked you and she knows that the punch was in self defense and your attempt to get her to stop choking you.

 

It will get messier because she has basically not given me a chance to listen to her side of the story on why she choked me & has basically f*cked off imposing a no contact rule so she doesn't have to deal with the aftermath.

 

There's no closure for me especially when I'm the victim.

 

You need to make your own closure. She doesn't want to talk to you, she's shut you out so she doesn't have to deal with your anger, your sadness, your disappointment. Let her go.

[ThorntonMelon]

It's because she is a lunatic who would say anything at any time to satisfy her juvenile and underdeveloped emotional needs, whatever they are in any situation.

 

You're all over the place here. We ask what happened when she contacted you, you say you have your answer but you're not going to tell us because we're not sympathetic, we're too nosey, then you're asked again, you say you don't have an answer, you're still in no contact, now you're starting a new thread about the police.

 

Obviously you've been dumped. We don't go 45 days without speaking to people we want to be with. You're in complete denial on this because of your severe depression and trauma. You got closure, you're just in total and complete insanity and denial right now.

 

I can only tell you that if you don't get therapy, your life will be far worse for it. I really hope you do.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

That's exactly why she hasn't gone to the cops. She choked you and she knows that the punch was in self defense and your attempt to get her to stop choking you.

 

 

I agree with this 100% - she knows she's in the wrong so it would be too much hassle for her to go to them.