I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

2. I'm not just talking about her attack on you. I'm thinking of the way she acts towards her parents, the dog etc.

 

She's made it plain by her silence she doesn't want a reconciliation. She's no longer your fiance, she's your ex.

 

It was clear to me that you were just talking about her attack on me because I don't remember you mentioning anything about her parents or the dog.

 

 

She IS my fiancé - she still loves me & cares for me is what she told me.

[CarrieT]

She IS my fiancé - she still loves me & cares for me is what she told me.

 

When was this?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

When was this?

 

When I phoned her 2 days ago.

[Mittens]

It was clear to me that you were just talking about her attack on me because I don't remember you mentioning anything about her parents or the dog.

 

 

She IS my fiancé - she still loves me & cares for me is what she told me.

 

Calling this woman a horrible excuse for a human being encompasses all her vile behaviour.

[Ronni_W]

One person just can't have their say & that's it. It takes two to tango & that applies when deciding on the outcome of the relationship

D-F, that is just NOT accurate! What you're also saying is that, if there is not mutual agreement/consent to end a relationship, then one of the people can be forced, AGAINST THEIR OWN WILL AND DESIRES, to stay in that relationship.

 

The decision to reconcile, yes, does require mutual desire...but the decision to break-up does not.

 

BOTH people must want to tango...but either one can decide to leave the dance floor AT ANY TIME and WITHOUT ANY REASON having to be given. When it comes to breaking-up, not continuing in a relationship then one person can absolutely just decide, declare it so...and that is it. No further discussion required if they do not want to discuss it further.

 

Free will, self-determination, autonomy, independent thinking, the right to make good choices or bad decisions...call it whatever you want.

 

Any other belief, understanding, expectation is just wishful thinking and does not demonstrate realization, acceptance of the (sometimes crappy) reality of every type of adult relationship that you'd care to mention.

[ThorntonMelon]

D-F -

 

Which is it? She refuses to break no contact or you spoke on the phone and she told you she still loves you?

[amaysngrace]

If she is so angry because I had punched her in self defence (not forgetting that she started choking me twice and was the instigator of the attack) then why didn't she go to the Police about me if she kept threatening to?

 

 

It's been 1 1/2 months since the fight.

 

 

Is it because she knows deep down that she is in the wrong, therefore in denial & wouldn't have a leg to stand on if the Police became involved?

 

Who gives a crap what she thinks or says?

 

She's a low-life abusive bitch...your bride.

 

Abusive people lie and manipulate to get what they want. That's just a fact jack.

 

You really need help. You're in bigtime denial.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Which is it? She refuses to break no contact or you spoke on the phone and she told you she still loves you?

 

I phoned her on the breaking her dumb stupid no contact rule.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Who gives a crap what she thinks or says?

 

 

That's the correct attitude to have.

 

She's a low-life abusive bitch...your bride.

 

 

Indeed she is. But she has to understand that with actions there are consequences.

 

Abusive people lie and manipulate to get what they want. That's just a fact jack.

 

 

Yes, and as I said above that with actions there are consequences.

 

You really need help. You're in bigtime denial.

 

Am I?

[amaysngrace]

But she has to understand that with actions there are consequences.

 

Am I?

 

You seem to be. You called her two days ago.

 

The consequence of her actions should be you gone from her life. Completely.

 

If you got her a ring tell her you want it back. Another consequence.

 

If she refuses file a lawsuit against her in small claims court. Another consequence.

 

You sound like you're still in love with her and you'd take her back in a heartbeat. That's being in denial.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

The consequence of her actions should be you gone from her life. Completely.

 

 

That's what I mean, yes me gone from her life but she doesn't seem to give a **** at the moment which I am surprised at.

 

 

If you got her a ring tell her you want it back. Another consequence.

 

 

Got it already. She chucked it at me the night she threw me out the house.

 

You sound like you're still in love with her and you'd take her back in a heartbeat. That's being in denial.

 

Absolutely correct.

 

 

I wouldn't say that it's being in denial, more a case of........believing my feelings.

[BC1980]

Indeed she is. But she has to understand that with actions there are consequences.

 

 

 

 

Yes, and as I said above that with actions there are consequences.

 

So far, I don't see any consequences to her behavior. She punches you, and her reward is that she gets to go NC on you and decided when she reaches out next. Seems like she is controlling everything right now.

[Ronni_W]

I wouldn't say that it's being in denial, more a case of........believing my feelings.

Denial of all the FACTS...not of your current feelings, emotions about all the facts.

[BC1980]

Absolutely correct.

 

 

I wouldn't say that it's being in denial, more a case of........believing my feelings.

 

No one is coming down on you for still loving her and being extremely upset. However, we are trying to get you to understand how she is manipulating and controlling you. We are infusing logic into this conversation because you are still at the point that you can't see the facts. You are still in a haze of grief, and you can't see straight.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

She punches you, and her reward is that she gets to go NC on you and decided when she reaches out next.

 

 

Actually I punched HER and SHE choked ME.

 

 

I'm deciding when I'm reaching out now, **** her no contact ****.

 

 

Seems like she is controlling everything right now.

 

Not for much longer as per above.

[amaysngrace]

I wouldn't say that it's being in denial, more a case of........believing my feelings.

 

Quit being so emotional and use your brain then. You agreed that she's a low-life abusive bitch.

 

Why would you love a person like that? She's broken and you can't fix her. It's who she is and who she'll be probably until the day she dies.

 

You don't deserve a nice person? You're a prick or something?

 

Or better to think about, who or what in your younger life made you feel like you didn't deserve to be treated well? Who made you think it's okay to disregard you so easily?

 

This isn't about her anymore...this is about you.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

No one is coming down on you for still loving her and being extremely upset.

 

 

I know that, it's still a sensitive subject for me though.

 

 

However, we are trying to get you to understand how she is manipulating and controlling you.

 

 

I don't fully understand though.

 

 

We are infusing logic into this conversation because you are still at the point that you can't see the facts.

 

 

Could you reiterate the facts if you don't mind?

 

 

You are still in a haze of grief, and you can't see straight.

 

 

Because I am clinically depressed.

[BC1980]

Actually I punched HER and SHE choked ME.

 

 

I'm deciding when I'm reaching out now, **** her no contact ****.

 

 

 

 

Not for much longer as per above.

 

I don't think confronting her is the answer. I really don't. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to work on this. She has been avoiding you, and that is probably because she does not want to admit fault. It might be different if she had immediately apologized and said let's fix this. Didn't she lie to her parents as well, omitting what precipitated you punching her? That's going to be difficult to come back from.

[Justaguy30]

I understand your pain, I still love someone who not only treated me 50 times worse than she treated you. Maybe 1000 times I don't know. The point is when you love someone you love them. Time will show you that it wasn't right for you anyway. The fight was about she didn't know how to break up with you and that was her way of doing it and she did. The physical fight had nothing to do with why she didn't talk to you after that. She was over it dude. Be glad it ended there and didn't drag on for months or years with her not being happy and treating you like crap. Go out and find an adult to marry, she sounds like a child.

[ThorntonMelon]

The facts are that she gave you your ring back, hasn't spoken to you in almost 2 months, and shows no sign of looking to reconcile.

 

An ex telling you they still care about you doesn't mean they want to be with you. Every single person on this site has had an ex tell them they still cared very much for them. It just means they care, not that they want to be in a relationship.

 

(I know I left all the violence out - OP doesn't see that as bad behavior so I am ignoring that. I'm only quoting actual incontrovertible, facts that cannot have opinion attached to them).

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Quit being so emotional and use your brain then. You agreed that she's a low-life abusive bitch.

 

 

I can agree that she is a scumbag low life bitch yes, BUT I can still have feelings towards her, feelings of love.

 

Why would you love a person like that?

 

 

She's broken and you can't fix her. It's who she is and who she'll be probably until the day she dies.

 

 

I don't love what she did to me, I love the person she is when she's not going doolally. She is believe it or not, the kindest, caring, loving & lovely girl when she's not riled up.

 

 

Like I said, this is the first time she's ever attacked me personally.

 

You don't deserve a nice person? You're a prick or something?

 

 

Excuse me?

 

Or better to think about, who or what in your younger life made you feel like you didn't deserve to be treated well? Who made you think it's okay to disregard you so easily?

 

 

Absolutely nobody did.

 

This isn't about her anymore...this is about you.

 

 

Yes but although I want the control now, I still want her back but under my terms as in she gets pro help.

 

 

Doubt she ever will agree to that but worth a shot. Just gotta be patient.

[Justaguy30]

There is nothing to understand when it comes to a controlling manipulator. They only care about themselves and are only out for number 1 and that person is not you. If doesn't make sense now because what she did doesn't make sense and it never will so don't sit around trying to figure it out for months. I did and it drove me crazy!!!! You figured out she doesn't want you anymore and be happy about that, she sucks dude!

[Ronni_W]

You are still in a haze of grief, and you can't see straight.

Because I am clinically depressed.

D-F, if you KNOW that you cannot see straight, then you cannot also say that you're not seeing straight for this or that reason.

 

Clinical depression is a real and serious condition...but be sure you don't USE it just as an excuse to make bad choices and stoopid (potentially hurtful, harmful) decisions against your own best interest.

[amaysngrace]

I can agree that she is a scumbag low life bitch yes, BUT I can still have feelings towards her, feelings of love.

 

I don't love what she did to me, I love the person she is when she's not going doolally. She is believe it or not, the kindest, caring, loving & lovely girl when she's not riled up.

 

Like I said, this is the first time she's ever attacked me personally.

 

Yes but although I want the control now, I still want her back but under my terms as in she gets pro help.

 

Doubt she ever will agree to that but worth a shot. Just gotta be patient.

 

This makes me want to throw up. Good luck to you. Have a nice life.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Didn't she lie to her parents as well, omitting what precipitated you punching her? That's going to be difficult to come back from.

 

Yes, she did lie to them saying I punched her...that's correct. This was her tactic of twisting it & making me look bad.

 

 

She even had the cheek to say to me afterwards that she is scared of me!! It should be the other way around with me telling her that I am scared of her.

 

 

Just her ****ty mind games.