I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[amaysngrace]

Absolutely, I do honestly believe she did love me.

 

No she didn't. You can't hurt somebody that you love by strangling them.

 

You.just.cant.

 

Seeing something or someone hurting makes you hurt if you love them. You'd never bring that pain to them. And if there was an accident and you hurt a loved one unintentionally you'd feel real bad about it.

 

Her actions were all on purpose.

 

Also once somebody is in your heart they will always have a special place for you there.

 

She doesn't care at all about what her actions are doing to you. She devalued you and she doesn't even care.

 

That's not love.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

No she didn't. You can't hurt somebody that you love by strangling them.

 

You.just.cant.

 

 

Yes I agree that you wouldn't hurt someone if you really loved them.

 

 

But what if (and I'm not using this as an excuse) she is suffering from some sort of mental illness, could that be a mitigating factor for her dreadful behaviour or am I just being daft?

 

Seeing something or someone hurting makes you hurt if you love them.

 

 

Of course it does. I was hurting when I realised I'd punched her and saw the blood coming from her nose.

 

 

However, although I stand by what I said there - it was justified and would not have happened if she hasn't have choked me in the first place.

 

 

You'd never bring that pain to them. And if there was an accident and you hurt a loved one unintentionally you'd feel real bad about it.

 

 

I did feel bad for weeks afterwards for hitting her nose but the more I think about what she did to me, the less I feel sympathy for her.

 

 

It's an evolving change of feelings.

 

Her actions were all on purpose.

 

 

Premeditated?

 

Also once somebody is in your heart they will always have a special place for you there.

 

 

She will always be in my heart no matter what.

 

She doesn't care at all about what her actions are doing to you. She devalued you and she doesn't even care.

 

That's not love.

 

She didn't care about what her actions did to me that night agreed, and if she had a shred of decency then the first thing she would do is accept that she was responsible & would be offering an apology all of which I've still not had and probably never will get.

 

 

Do you think abusive people re incapable of loving people genuinely or do they claim to love for hidden selfish reasons?

[amaysngrace]

She didn't care about what her actions did to me that night agreed, and if she had a shred of decency then the first thing she would do is accept that she was responsible & would be offering an apology all of which I've still not had and probably never will get

 

Do you think abusive people re incapable of loving people genuinely or do they claim to love for hidden selfish reasons?

 

She didn't apologize and she deliberately hurt you. You apologized and it wasn't even your fault because she is the one who attacked you.

 

You love her. You're normal. Feeling remorse is a natural human reaction.

 

She lacks empathy. If she can hurt a dog she is devoid of that basic human emotion.

 

Do you know what a narcissist is? She sounds like one to me.

 

When it goes bad they leave their victims thinking "wtf just happened" which is exactly where you seem to be right now.

[ThorntonMelon]

I could tell when I looked into her eyes at times that she did love me

 

Seriously? This is the woman you've said should be the mother of your kids and you want to spend your life with, and you had no clue was a maniac even though she abused dogs and was nasty to her family. But yet we should believe you possess so much intuitive ability to read people that you knew just looking into her eyes how you felt?

 

This is the whole point of the exercise. All of us are on here because we are trying to reconcile reality to our wishes and hopes and dreams. You saw in her eyes what you wanted to see. That isn't abnormal, we all do it. The difference is adjusting once reality proves otherwise. Anyways, you know nothing about her feelings from her eyes. And that's not an insult- everyone who's ever been dumped suddenly has gone through the concept of not being able to understand what happened and why.

 

She will always be in my heart no matter what.

 

Probably. She represents something incredibly important to you - your first love, your first adult vulnerability. But here's where you HAVE to understand that in your warped view of the world right now, you believe your loyalty to her will be rewarded. And it won't. Life doesn't work that way. There are amazing athletes who still lose the big game. Amazing parents who have to go through the unthinkable agony of losing a child. Amazing boyfriends who are dumped by girlfriends through no fault of their own.

 

The only loyalty that is guaranteed to be rewarded is loyalty to yourself.

 

Do you think abusive people re incapable of loving people genuinely or do they claim to love for hidden selfish reasons?

 

That's a really hard question. I would re-frame it. Are people suffering from personality disorders or mental illness able to love or co-exist with people in the same way that people who aren't disordered or mentally ill do?

 

I think I would generally say that Disordered people love with all the ability that they have, but their disorder simply doesn't allow them to do it in a healthy way. It's kind of like asking if someone with one leg is as good at running as someone with two legs - you can't compare them, they're operating with different machinery.

 

I am generally an optimist. I believe that your girlfriend is doing the best she can in a world that for her is extremely disordered, for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Everything about you screams that you have major self-esteem issues, and as such you likely were very attractive to her in her dis-ordered state, especially because you wouldn't push back on her bad behavior. You were willing to accept anything she would do.

 

The bad news for you isn't that you lost your girlfriend. The bad news is unless you fix your underlying self esteem issues, you're probably going to fall in love with someone worse the next time around.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

She didn't apologize and she deliberately hurt you. You apologized and it wasn't even your fault because she is the one who attacked you.

 

 

She has just shown that she is a cold, hard & callous girl that is incapable of being empathetic or considerate of other peoples feelings and emotions.

 

 

She was quick to cry her eyes out one time when she thought I was going to leave her after I caught her wanting to go for a coffee with one of her male friends a while back.

 

She lacks empathy. If she can hurt a dog she is devoid of that basic human emotion.

 

 

Agreed. It's like she is this robot who will do anything she can to avoid showing emotion and will just create this destruction.

 

Do you know what a narcissist is? She sounds like one to me.

 

 

I've no idea what a narcissist is!

 

When it goes bad they leave their victims thinking "wtf just happened" which is exactly where you seem to be right now.

 

 

Why do they leave them feeling like this, is it because it's the easiest way out?

[CarrieT]

How timely.

 

In today's New York Times, a great article: How To Get Over Your Ex.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Unless you fix your underlying self esteem issues, you're probably going to fall in love with someone worse the next time around.

 

So are you saying that it was all my fault?

 

 

Because you seem to think I have self esteem issues, I pretty much can't tell a good from bad person - that's how you're making me feel.

 

 

As I've now come to realise, this was pretty much an act on her half where you think she claimed to love and adore me, but under it all she had other intentions.

 

 

You seem very conceited Thornton & that's not a thing to be proud about.

[amaysngrace]

Why do they leave them feeling like this, is it because it's the easiest way out?

 

They leave you feeling that way because you were blindsided. The relationship that you were in isn't the same one that they were in and you finally realize it.

 

They pretended while your feelings for them were real.

 

And because they show you such opposite extremes you're left in shock. Normal people done fluctuate from loving to hating that way. From gentle to aggressive.

 

You're left in a complete state of disbelief.

[ThorntonMelon]

D-F I will not post in any of your threads anymore, as this is the second time you've insulted me personally.

 

The sad thing is that the reason I have been so passionate in your threads is because I have been the victim of emotional abuse by ex's because of my own inability to separate their behavior from my blind love for them, or moreso because of my blind desire for how they made me feel. I was exactly you. I have been through so much trying to understand that I need to build myself up so that I can get what I deserve from a lover, not just what they're willing to give me. The 26 year old you was the 26 year old me.

 

I've spent the last 5 years divorcing a terrible woman, seeing my kids hate me for leaving their mom, getting into other relationships with BPD women, all because they loved me not for me, but because of what I did for them. I've been in therapy, had my self-esteem annihilated, and realized I wasn't remotely the person I wanted to be.

 

In you I see or saw an opportunity to give back for all the crap I have been through. I'm watching someone else be tortured like I was. So I'm sorry for my passion on this, but let's say it cuts close to home. Your judgement of me is more inaccurate than your judgement of your ex-fiance. Impressive.

 

I believe you (and I before therapy) wanted to feel loved so badly we refused to evaluate the behavior of the people we attach to. We believe if we just were more loyal, more attractive, more...whatever, they'd love us like we loved them. That we can be special by tolerating everything, tolerating behaviors no one would, and that the people we love will love us back for our undying loyalty.

 

And they don't. Our self esteem causes us to stop viewing things as they are, and instead view them through the dream of what we want them to be. And it sucks and it terrifies me that I'll make the same mistake again, and it's why I will go to therapy every week for the rest of my life if I have to.

 

Good luck to you. I'll read this because I want to, but I won't spend my energy on someone who insults me. While I have told you that you're crazy (and you are, but you know what - I've been crazier in my own life dealing with the insanity I've seen...), I have never once attacked your character.

 

Good luck.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

They leave you feeling that way because you were blindsided. The relationship that you were in isn't the same one that they were in and you finally realize it.

 

They pretended while your feelings for them were real.

 

 

So in other words, they're just con people essentially just in it for themselves?

 

And because they show you such opposite extremes you're left in shock. Normal people done fluctuate from loving to hating that way. From gentle to aggressive.

 

You're left in a complete state of disbelief.

 

Yes, it was certainly an unexpected outcome.

 

 

They're intentions all along are to make you feel small, victimised, worthless amongst an array of other things.

[amaysngrace]

So in other words, they're just con people essentially just in it for themselves?

 

Yes, it was certainly an unexpected outcome.

 

They're intentions all along are to make you feel small, victimised, worthless amongst an array of other things.

 

I don't know why they act the way they do to be honest but I do know that they just aren't wired properly. And to my knowledge it can't be fixed.

 

How to Spot A Narcissist and Walk Away

[Hollywood-Tourist]

That's a good read that guide & she ticks just about every box.

[lauri]

Out of curiosity, what are your next steps? What are you looking to do now?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Out of curiosity, what are your next steps? What are you looking to do now?

 

As of right now, the next steps I'm taking are:

 

 

To try & move on

Never contact her again

 

 

I would like to keep in touch with her in a weird way because I think we could at least try to be civil.

[CarrieT]

I would like to keep in touch with her in a weird way because I think we could at least try to be civil.

Here is the deal with being "friends" with Ex's...

 

It CANNOT EVER HAPPEN when one/both are still emotionally invested in the hopes of a relationship.

 

I am friends with almost all of my Ex's (the only one I'm not friends with is living on skid row in a half-way house). My new husband has met a number of my Ex's because I am friends with them. And the reason is because so much time has passed between the ending of the romantic relationship so as to make a "civil" meeting plausible.

 

Not only is this not plausible for you right now, it is not remotely feasible that it ever will be based on how you describe her reacting.

 

So walk away, 100%. Don't try and "keep in touch" because there is nothing to keep in touch about.

[Strength in Healing]

I am friends with almost all of my Ex's ..... My new husband has met a number of my Ex's

 

 

Why on Earth would you want to be friends with your ex's? Is there not enough people that live in this big blue world that you could have been friends with instead of past lovers?

 

God bless your husband, seriously. I'd have dropped you 10 ways to sunday.

[lauri]

As of right now, the next steps I'm taking are:

 

 

To try & move on

Never contact her again

 

 

I would like to keep in touch with her in a weird way because I think we could at least try to be civil.

 

I'm proud of you for trying to move on. This is a huge improvement from the beginning of this thread and I'm happy you are coming to this realization. You are worth a lot more than what happened and the only person who can make others realize this is yourself. Moving on is the first step.

 

Being civil with an ex is okay after you have FULLY moved on. Do not talk to her or speak with her if your goal is to become indifferent and strong again. She will need to contact you and apologize for her actions (which she will 100% if you maintain NC and move on, I promise you). You will start to notice the less power she holds over you the more she starts to gasp at straws trying to draw you back in. When this happens, do not cave. Do not give in until she says these words "I am sorry for what I did to you". Those words will come as long as you stay strong and maintain NC. By that time, you will be able to make a sound decision if you want to be civil and friends with her.

Edited September 8, 2014 by lauri

[CarrieT]

Why on Earth would you want to be friends with your ex's? Is there not enough people that live in this big blue world that you could have been friends with instead of past lovers?

 

God bless your husband, seriously. I'd have dropped you 10 ways to sunday.

 

I've posted about this in a dozen other threads about "can you be friends with Ex's?"

 

Go there for answers instead of detailing D-F's plight.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

A few more signs & symptoms I found that again she ticks all the boxes to:

 

 

• Does he/she text + call you all the time?
  
• Does he/she want you to spend ALL your time together?
  
• Does he/she get jealous when you chat to friends + other boys/girls?
  
• Does he/she make you wear clothes he/she likes?
  
• Does he/she pressure you to take the relationship further?
  
• Does he/she try to humiliate you when you fall out?
  
• Does he/she say they would KILL them self if you left him/her?
  
• Does he/she get violent with you?
  

[lauri]

A few more signs & symptoms I found that again she ticks all the boxes to:

 

 

• Does he/she text + call you all the time?
  
• Does he/she want you to spend ALL your time together?
  
• Does he/she get jealous when you chat to friends + other boys/girls?
  
• Does he/she make you wear clothes he/she likes?
  
• Does he/she pressure you to take the relationship further?
  
• Does he/she try to humiliate you when you fall out?
  
• Does he/she say they would KILL them self if you left him/her?
  
• Does he/she get violent with you?
  

 

It seems like you're really realizing some key things about her now. I'm glad you are.

 

Has there been anything else you've learned through this?

[whichwayisup]

As of right now, the next steps I'm taking are:

 

 

To try & move on

Never contact her again

 

 

I would like to keep in touch with her in a weird way because I think we could at least try to be civil.

 

Impossible. She is an abuser! Let go and avoid seeing or speaking to her.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Has there been anything else you've learned through this?

 

That she is hungry for power and control.

 

 

She is like an actor, portrays herself to be someone she's not.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

A couple of times recently I've been having dreams about my fiancé which has probably lasted throughout the length of the time I've been sleeping.

 

 

It has woken me up early in the morning sometimes and then left me feeling depressed because I realise she's not in the bed next to me anymore.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I know many of you here have told me to walk away from my fiancé & to never go back, but something I have only just today realised is that every time I think of her there is always a flood of emotions that resurface & I kind of get a knot feeling in my stomach.

 

 

I have deliberately tried to forget about her (which is extremely difficult) and do things like go for a walk etc. but it only works for a short space of time and is never a permanent fix.

 

 

I have now started to try and turn my love for her into anger, anger at what she did to me at the very end. It works......but deep down I still have a 'soft spot' filled with love & desire for her which I can't seem to eliminate.

 

 

I have taken some of your advice on board regarding feeling anger towards her now and yes it does work as I said, but just when I feel that I am beginning to resent her I had a stupid dream about her last night & it woke me up in the early hours bringing all my feelings back for her & it's put me in this depressive mood again today.

 

 

So, all that being said, I need to ask this:

 

 

• Do I report her to the Police (not only out of revenge but for my safety & her safety?)
  

I feel that because she has 'called the shots' by imposing a no contact thing, said she wants space & has basically f*cked me up emotionally that I have to get back at her in some form, I can't let this go until I get even.

 

 

 

 

• Forget about her? (but let myself be messed up even more emotionally)
  

• Or stuff her poxy rules & go round to her place effectively taking control of the situation by verbally putting her in her place?
  

The only thing that is stopping me & has stopped me from going to the Police so far is incase I get charged with assault and end up with a criminal conviction unfairly.

 

 

Will the Police genuinely see through her or will they believe her since she is a woman & has come out of the fight with more physical injuries than me?

 

 

My 'injuries' are/were bruises to my neck (which I have date stamped photos of) & I am emotionally wrecked. Everyday is a struggle and I have not felt like my usual self since the night of the attack.

 

 

I can actually feel the chemical imbalance of my brain through the emotional trauma, so surely that is a factor from the fight?

[mightycpa]

Do none of those things. They are all wrong.

 

Go cry in your beer for a while. Feel your emotions, don't run from them, don't try to manipulate them. In fact, having read through this, I see you're processing them now. Realize that it will take time, lots of time. You'll feel better, you'll feel worse, you'll feel better again. Perfectly normal, consider it progress.

 

Also, she's like radiation, just stay away or you'll get sick. Stay away in all forms. No cops, no social workers, no visits, no taking charge, no texts, no phone calls, no nothing. Feel the overwhelming need to visit? Bury a picture of her in the back yard and visit her grave. You'll feel sufficiently stupid about doing that after a while, and it will give you some perspective on your own feelings.

 

Walk, run, exercise, do something to wash the breakup chemicals out of your system and replace them with nice calm and happy chemicals.

 

Remember, nothing will happen overnight. You're in this for the long haul. Time to man up, and put in the work. You'll be ok.