I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[CarrieT]

I just feel like she's messing with my head.

 

Again, you want a future with someone who plays such games?

 

Whatever...

[Zahara]

I can't help the way I feel about her & despite what she did, I have forgiven her.

 

We have been through a lot in the 2yrs we've been together & I just cannot understand why she would just be so vindictive like that.

 

You can feel the way you feel but that doesn't mean you shut your eyes and walk around blindly. Love is one thing, but it is never a good enough reason to justify staying or tolerating abuse or a negative situation.

 

You haven't forgiven her. You've just put it behind you because you need her to validate and accept you.

 

Again, the duration and history of a relationship doesn't justify staying in an unhealthy relationship.

 

That's like saying -- it was right for my mother to stay with my abusive father because she's spent 40 years with him. It's a weak justification.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I would love to know the whole story here.

 

To summarize, I think.

 

Wonderful relationship. Engaged.

 

She's in a bad mood one day. Physically assaults you the dark to the point you defend yourself, you think you hit her in the face (though you're not sure), she immediately suggests you assaulted her, then announces immediately she will not be able to forgive you and needs total no contact.

 

Is that correct?

 

 

Yes, that is correct.

[ThorntonMelon]

I assure you, you're not on a temporary break. I feel for you, obviously you're in terrible distress right now.

 

You need your friends and family by your side to deal with this, because I fear when reality hits you it's going to crush you. Please lean on this site, your friends, family, whomever.

[Mint Sauce]

you may want to have a chat with her parents. They (should) know their daughter, and perhaps they can give you more insight in where you actually stand.

 

I'm pretty sure they'll (gently) tell you that it's most probably over.

 

There's a lot of good advice on this site on how to deal with the first agonizing weeks and months. Use it.

[Chi townD]

I can't help the way I feel about her & despite what she did, I have forgiven her.

 

 

We have been through a lot in the 2yrs we've been together & I just cannot understand why she would just be so vindictive like that.

 

 

 

You can forgive her. No one says you can't. You can forgive her as a person. But, as a girlfriend? I think she crossed a line.

[Carpe-diem]

You need to work on your self esteem and total lack of boundaries. You've pretty much admitted you'll put up with anything just to have her back? She'll feed on this and it will only get worse because you will always forgive her.

 

I'm guessing you're in your early 20's? Not much relationship experience? Your ex is really good looking? Can at times make you feel so good? You are insecure? Sex is really good? She is very social and great fun? She can also beat the crap out of you.

 

If you plan to get back with her can I suggest you save some time and give her your balls now. Sorry to be harsh but you're delaying the inevitable which is this girl will destroy you.

 

Be with your friends and family. See what real love and respect is.

 

Trust the process and give it time. x

[seekingpeaceinlove]

The highlighted part...this is what you need to pick apart and start analyzing, OP. Unless you can live, thrive and be happy on your own..how do you expect to be that way in a relationship? You can't. You will forever be tied to someone else's dysfunction, emotions, stability and/or instability as long as you believe that you , "cannot live without her."

 

YES, you can live without her. You can live without a person who thinks it's okay to choke you and blame you for her own violent behavior. You can live without a person who has no remorse for her harmful actions.

 

Your ex needs therapy...and so do you. I do believe everything happens for a reason and it's better now that you see your ex in this light now versus if you were married with children.

 

Get help, my friend.

 

 

Yes I am annoyed with her for choking me, but have since the fight forgiven her & want to forget about it, providing she gets professional help.

 

 

My self esteem has been battered slightly & my confidence has taken a bit of a dive if I'm honest.

 

 

I just struggle to function in life properly now & have lost interest in the things I used to like. I believe I am suffering from depression as a result of this breakup.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, she's my first real love & first proper relationship.

 

 

You're going to think I'm a nutter here but I really cannot live without her, she is what I lived for.

 

 

I just feel so low & miserable and have often wondered about ending it all because that's how upset & heartbroken I am.

[lauri]

Ugh - I love girls who try to turn a situation that is completely their fault and push the blame on the guy.

 

My ex tried to blame me for her getting "sexually harassed", when she decided to drive me to a park near a recreational centre when it was dark out (about 3 minutes from my house) to break up with me after I just moved back to Canada to be with her. After told me this, I got up and walked away...leaving her 200 metres away from her car. I went afterwards to go check video cameras and it showed that she did not get sexually harassed and lied...used this to turn people against me, her family against me...anything to not appear like the bad guy and to push me out of her life.

 

Let's say, for arguments sake, you did hit her in the face. You and her both know it was you protecting yourself...but she is, similarly to my ex, putting the blame on you for something that she provoked and caused against you. This is her out, her way to get rid of you, to make you the bad guy in the entire situation and make her seem like the victim.

 

Now, moving onto you. No offense, but you seem like a guy who doesn't have much self confidence...this is a turn off for women and you need to re-evaluate yourself. No girl is going to want to be with a man who lets stuff like this fly...c'mon she will lose even more respect for you if you try to get back with her.

 

Stop thinking so much about how you feel and start to assess how she feels. She clearly does not love, respect or even really care about you by the look of her actions. If someone truly did have the love, respect and care for you, none of this situation would have happened in the first place.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, lets not forget that HER OWN MOTHER, was pulling her off of him! Out of the two of them, mom tries to pull the daughter off the OP. Not trying to stop the OP from beating on their daughter.

 

 

They're not stupid, they know what happened. If they thought otherwise, the cops would be at the OP door.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

She clearly does not love, respect or even really care about you by the look of her actions. If someone truly did have the love, respect and care for you, none of this situation would have happened in the first place.

 

She does love me and always has done.

 

 

She told me that she still loves & cares for me when just before she threw me out the house so there is some hope.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Yeah, lets not forget that HER OWN MOTHER, was pulling her off of him! Out of the two of them, mom tries to pull the daughter off the OP. Not trying to stop the OP from beating on their daughter.

 

They're not stupid, they know what happened. If they thought otherwise, the cops would be at the OP door.

 

 

Yes, I believe they know full well that their daughter was wrong.

 

 

Their daughter was sat straddled on top of me when they entered the room still choking me, so they at least saw the end part of the attack.

 

 

Her Dad (who I get on quite well with) has told me in the past that with her previous exs she slashed the tyres on his car & pinned one of them to a wall.

 

 

Ok, to most people this is worrying & scary but I really believe she would change once it has sunk in what she did to me.

 

 

To this date so far, my car has not been vandalised in any way which I did wonder why??

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I'm guessing you're in your early 20's? Not much relationship experience? Your ex is really good looking? Can at times make you feel so good? You are insecure? She is very social and great fun? She can also beat the crap out of you.

 

 

I'm 26 & she is 23.

 

 

This is my first serious relationship & also the same for her.

 

 

She is no oil painting & not the type of girl you'd make a beeline for based on her looks, she is very plain looking actually & is a bit of a Tomboy.

 

 

She makes me happy but not 'feel good' as you put it.

 

 

Not sure if I'm insecure, but I know she was - there were many things she said to make me think this.

 

 

She is chatty & good fun yes.

 

 

Ok so I got hit by a woman, so what? I have no shame in admitting that.

[Zahara]

Her Dad (who I get on quite well with) has told me in the past that with her previous exs she slashed the tyres on his car & pinned one of them to a wall.

 

So, this event isn't a one time thing. A one off.

 

This is her true, core behavior. Even the dog suffers for it.

 

Maybe she slashed tires because the guy dumped her and she didn't like that. With you, it's the other way around. She's calling the shots.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

So, this event isn't a one time thing. A one off.

 

This is her true, core behavior. Even the dog suffers for it.

 

Maybe she slashed tires because the guy dumped her and she didn't like that. With you, it's the other way around. She's calling the shots.

 

It's a one-off for 'me' but not for her because she has acted violently in the past as I said.

 

 

Yes, a leopard never changes it's spots & all that and she has proved herself to be what she is......capable of violence & vindictive.

 

 

My eyebrows were raised when I saw what she did to the poor dog, she has never been tolerant of him.

 

 

As far as I know she has always been the one doing the dumping.

[ThorntonMelon]

Depressed - I realize that I am wasting the energy on this post, as you have no intention of listening to it. But I will try anyways.

 

You have lost your mind right now. if you read this in about 6 months you won't recognize the author. You are out of your mind with grief and agony and shock and you'd do anything for a hit of the drug that is her.. You are basically acting like a drug addict trying to secure a hit. Your discussion of temporary break and hope and how she loves you so much honestly is bat**** crazy. I am not saying this to be mean. I wish I could figure out a nicer way to say it to you, but even if all you do is get mad at me for saying it, you might remember it.

 

The girl you loved is dead for all intents and purposes. Evaluate this woman for how she is acting and treating you.

 

Please reach out to friends and family as you might actually listen to them when they put some sense into you.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

The girl you love is dead for all intents and purposes. Evaluate this woman for how she is acting and treating you.

 

I get good days & bad days. The good days are when I do begin to see her for what she is and I do think of what she did to me & how she has treated me and what her attitude was like.

 

 

The bad days I get all depressed & just want her again.

 

 

She isn't dead, she's alive.

[Zahara]

She isn't dead, she's alive.

 

As in the woman you thought she when you first met and fell inlove with is dead. This violent and vindictive woman, what she is showing you now, is who she is.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

As in the woman you thought she when you first met and fell inlove with is dead. This violent and vindictive woman, what she is showing you now, is who she is.

 

I suppose she may have had it brewing for some time & this violent outburst came in relation to this brewing mindset?

 

 

I can see the differences with her from being a nice, lovely, loyal, happy, fun & loving girl to a man beater.

 

 

But despite that, I still love her - crazy to you but it's true.

[Zahara]

I suppose she may have had it brewing for some time & this violent outburst came in relation to this brewing mindset?

 

She's slashed tires, pinned a guy to a wall, she treats the dog badly -- this is who she is. It's always brewing.

 

I can see the differences with her from being a nice, lovely, loyal, happy, fun & loving girl to a man beater.

 

OP, my father was an abuser. Yes, there were days he would be a sweet man, and then there were days he would draw blood. They're nice when things are in their control and everything is spinning on their axis. When things are not on their terms, they do a 180.

 

But despite that, I still love her - crazy to you but it's true.

 

Yes, it's normal that you love her. But LOVE is never justification to go back to someone that abuses you or handles you violently. Love her all you want, but while your heart feels that way, your brain needs to also step in and realize that you don't deserve to be in a relationship of this nature. And when you said you wanted her to be the mother of your children, that was your heart talking. Step out of your emotional bubble for just a second, ask yourself that question, and think about it rationally -- your answer will be quite different.

[lauri]

This seems like more dependence than love.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

This seems like more dependence than love.

 

From who's perspective?

[evanescentworld]

unquestionably yours.

[JunkYardDog]

Everyones.

 

 

Dude, no body here, and I mean no body is going to give you any other pointers or support other than GTFO!! I know how it feels man, Im going through it too as we speak, it f ing sucks. Pining is one thing but really take a step back and think about it. Forget about love cuz there never was any ok. All a mask.

 

 

What if I choked you out, would you want to hang out still?

Edited September 2, 2014 by JunkYardDog

[Hollywood-Tourist]

So basically there are to be no second chances for anyone the moment someone lays a finger on you?