Thought I was 'safe' to break no contact. Wrong.

[Scorpio Chick]

I've talked the tough talk on here, I thought I got to the point of indifference towards the guy I had a sexting thing with. So I emailed him a very short email just saying hoped he was good and maybe we could talk again. I think now I was kidding, lying, whatever to myself. But with what transpired, and what transpired from the very beginning of this, I am now pissed and really having a hard time.

 

Me and this guy graduated from high school together. Long time ago. I had a 3 year long crush on him. Fast forward to about 4 years ago and at our class reunion, he shows up without his wife, one of the few guys that did that. I didn't tell him about the crush. I didn't think it would be right. We were FB friends for many years. He would like my posts, etc...far more than I did his. His wife doesn't have a FB, plus his profile pic is just him. His stats say he's married. Anyway, I'm trying to be concise with relevant points. Anyway, I liked that he liked my posts, but I wasn't feeling in love with him or anything. He was married and that was that.

 

Because of nothing in particular, for a change, etc...I deactivated my FB. I was enjoying the sudden peacefulness of doing that, which I didn't expect. Didn't think about my high school crush either. At all. I just carried on about my normal life. One day, about 3 months of deactivating it, I get a very short email from him saying he noticed I hadn't been on and hoped I was doing okay. Long story short, we start emailing. In one of those email exchanges, I told him I had had a crush on him in high school. He said he wished I would have told him at the reunion when we were 'face to face'. Then he immediately started responding that he had his eye on me in high school and that I had some magnetic aura, blah blah blah.

 

We email, like once a week, nothing ridiculous. Then we started texting. Texting quickly turned to sexting, as he posed an obviously sexual question and was making sexual innuendos.

 

I don't want to rehash other stuff I've already posted here, as it is, I feel very tired and depressed over this. I know I have some blame here, but honestly, he bears the vast majority. This is what I am pissed about. When I broke no contact, with my email, I didn't make any innuendos, etc...it was just a maybe we could be friends again, nothing too serious happened (we never were physical), but HE, again, was the first to say something sexual. He said in one text, HE started the texting again, that he was on his way home and was going to go cook dinner and that he usually cooks dinner only wearing an apron.

 

To speed up to the relevant points, I finally asked him what had never been brought up or discussed. Was he happily married? He said yes, he was happily married. Among other things he said, some because I questioned him, others he volunteered, was that it would probably never happen that he and I would get together, i.e., meet up. Even though HE was the first and only one of us two that had ever suggested that, and a specific situation. I asked if he'd ever cheated before or sexted another woman before and he said 'no', to which I asked, then why me? He replied, because I am good at it and because he had had some interest in me in high school and when he found out I had a crush on him, it intrigued him.

 

I ended up texting him recently that I think I am in love with him and that if he wasn't, that I wanted to just settle it all with us with the text I was sending, that I didn't even want to hear back from him, that I needed to really completely move on, etc...I said 'I don't even want to get an 'ok' response from you'. I made it so clear in that text, because I was expressing my feeling of feeling I was in love with him that I wanted to accept silence as my answer that he wasn't in love with me.

 

Instead, he texts me back, 'wow, I can't imagine with your strong feelings for me, what you're going through'. And he said a few other things, nothing earth shattering. I responded, 'I thought I made it clear that I didn't want any response if you're not in love with me' and I asked him again to just not respond, just let me have some dignity back. He responds that he didn't want to leave it like that and that let's give it time and that maybe we could be true friends again (which I suggested earlier in the first text where I asked him to please not respond if he wasn't in love with me, I said maybe with time, distance, whatever, we could be true friends one day, but we couldn't right now given my feelings).

 

This man has a charmed life. He's rich, he's got a strong family, he just bought a lakehouse in another state. He and his wife don't have kids, I don't know what happened why they don't, but they don't, and they've been married for 26 years.

 

I cannot believe he had the gall to respond when I couldn't have made it clearer that I didn't want him to. How freaking selfish! And arrogant! HE didn't want to leave it that way!!! My question is, to me, it is clear and very upsetting, that he set out to use me. Just use me and not even get together with me, but use me in the worst way, by having the cheapest and safest for him, thrills of, sexting. I am really considering telling his wife. He has the nerve to do all that, to use me, to saying 'I can't imagine what you're going through with your strong feelings for me...' but claiming to be happily married.

 

What an *********. All these many, many years, I thought he was a very nice, super decent person. Another major illusion shattered. I don't feel like letting this go. I feel like telling his wife. Why shouldn't HE have ANY repercussions to HIS actions, when they are so glaringly disgusting?

Edited September 1, 2014 by Scorpio Chick

[jellybean89]

I'm confused.

 

You, for whatever reason, engaged in sexual texts with a MM who told you previously that he was happily married and there would never be a "meet up" to have sex. You then believed you were in love with him, even though you really don't know him as a person, but I guess your infatuation from 20+ years ago made you think you were in Love with him. When he didn't reciprocate those feelings, you send him a text saying unless he is in love with you to not text you anymore, and when he responds, you keep texting with him and you find the fact that he responded to your texts disrespectful and now you want to tell his wife so that he can "get in trouble" with her cause you feel used by this rich guy who didn't want to meet up with you and doesn't love you, but enjoys the sex talk?

 

Close the chapter of your life that includes contact with him. He's a jerk.

[Popsicle]

Oh, I love when they say "I'm happily married, but I'm [contemplating or had] having an affair". Yeah, right, you're happily married.

 

I interpret his response to mean that he is definitely open to getting involved with you again, but he wants you to take it SLOW. And, by that he means you both play dumb with each other by acting like you're just friends for a while until it builds/heats up to sexual explosion. This helps with his conscience.

 

If he were serious about his marriage or about being "happily married", he would have not responded.

Edited September 1, 2014 by Popsicle

[chelsea2011]

Whoa whoa whoa slow down a minute. You texted him and opened that can of worms and told him how you felt and you received a response that wasn't to your liking. What made you think it would be any different? You can't send a message like that to a married man who cheats on his wife. That's like cutting yourself on purpose while in the ocean and then getting mad that a shark comes by and wants a taste.

 

He showed you who he was from the beginning and now it's time to accept responsibility that you opened the door and subjected yourself to that hurt. He didn't...he was just responding. He didn't respect your feelings before and he won't respect them now. Accept it, lick your wounds and learn from it. Don't open yourself to a situation like that again.

 

He was just being himself - a married guy who thought an opportunity came a knockin. Look at the reason why YOU opened the door knowing you were playing with fire. Don't beat yourself up though because it happens. We all make mistakes and it's on us to learn from them so they don't happen again.

[chelsea2011]

Ask yourself if you would be inclined to tell his wife if responded that he loved you too. If the answer is no then why tell her now?

[Popsicle]

Scorpio Chick, regardless of his M unhappiness, be forewarned though, this man sounds like he likes his life and would not ever leave his wife.

[Scorpio Chick]

I'm confused.

 

I can see why you're confused. You likely did not ever read my initial postings on here. And you didn't really read this one, or your reading comprehension of this posting was inaccurate.

 

"You, for whatever reason, engaged in sexual texts with a MM who told you previously that he was happily married ..."

 

He had never discussed his wife previously. I broke contact and went no contact for 3 and a half months. When I reinitiated contact and said maybe we could just be friends, based solely on a friendship only history of 20 plus years, HE is the one to start with the sexual texting, not me, nad I didn't reciprocate with that. And because I broke no contact with the purpose of not holding a grudge, my intention was to try and be friends. Please re-read my post. When he starting sexualizing his text messages, that is when I asked him if he was happily married. I didn't know if he was or wasn't, even when I went no contact on him in April. Are you less confused now?

 

"and there would never be a "meet up" to have sex."

 

He sent me a text very prior to my April cut off : "I'm thinking it's time for a business trip, do you know what I mean?" I responded that I did know what he meant. To MY credit, I left it at that, meaning, I didn't press him for details of when we would meet, etc... And believe me, I wanted to see him, even if just to hold his hand, not necessarily jump his bones, but see him. He never mentioned it again nor did I. But it's important that you realize, HE brought it up, I NEVER questioned him about it, never brought it up either, all I did was respond to it when he brought it up and that was to say, "yes, I do know what you mean." Does this also help clear up your confusion as to why I might be upset at him?

 

"You then believed you were in love with him, even though you really don't know him as a person, but I guess your infatuation from 20+ years ago made you think you were in Love with him"

 

Who knows WHY anyone thinks they're in love with anyone???

 

"When he didn't reciprocate those feelings,"

 

He didn't reciprocate those feelings, but he led me on big time, as everything I've posted has shown. And I gave him a very nice way of concretely letting me know via some sort of action that he didn't love me, and that was to just not respond to my text. Yet he did. Are you STILL confused as to why I might be upset?

 

"you send him a text saying unless he is in love with you to not text you anymore, and when he responds, you keep texting with him"

 

Wrong. I sent him one more text saying I thought I made it clear to not respond and how could he do that. That is not quite what you're characterizing as me "keep texting him", and you know it.

 

"and you find the fact that he responded to your texts disrespectful"

 

It WAS beyond disrespectful. HE'S married, HE PURSUED ME, NOT THE OPPOSITE, and why was it okay and respectful of him, claiming to be happily married and not in love with me, to just NOT RESPOND TO MY TEXT???????? What the hell is confusing about that?

 

"and now you want to tell his wife so that he can "get in trouble" with her cause you feel used by this rich guy who didn't want to meet up with you and doesn't love you, but enjoys the sex talk?" Bingo. Yes. That IS how I feel.

 

Close the chapter of your life that includes contact with him. He's a jerk.

 

I have closed the chapter and precisely because he is a jerk I would like him to have some repercussion for using another human being. Why shouldn't his wife know? If he used me, you think he's not using her?

[Scorpio Chick]

It's true what so many of you say. And I am hurting so bad right now, it's pathetic. I feel like a loser. I've been a single parent for so long, I'm lonely, I lost 2 family members tragically, which he knows about, it just seems like life is just one big joke on me. Whoever said if he said he loved me, would I tell his wife then, you're right, I wouldn't. Why are we so wicked? I know that's wrong. My text to him, telling him I thought I was in love with him, and that if he wasn't, was a nice text. I didn't say anything in a mean way, I was just saying basically, stop with the romance talk, the sex talk, etc... and then for him to say he 'couldn't imagine how I felt having such strong feelings for him' , it cut like a knife. I would never do that to someone, but maybe I did? Maybe I did it to his wife, even though she doesn't know about it? I am so upset and cannot stop thinking about it. I feel like such a fool.

[Mount]

I am very confused. Seem to me in real life nothing really happened, you two just email, text, talking, no EA no PA. So that is it, not sure how old you are, but you mentioned 25 years ago something like that, shouldn't you pass the juvenile thinking stage?

 

I am just confused after reading your post as mostly here OWs were talking about they have been in a few years relationship with MMs, MMs' future talking, MM left wife then went back, even some OWs got pregnant...etc etc real stuff. It seems to me, everything you described just in your mind only.

 

It's true what so many of you say. And I am hurting so bad right now, it's pathetic. I feel like a loser. I've been a single parent for so long, I'm lonely, I lost 2 family members tragically, which he knows about, it just seems like life is just one big joke on me. Whoever said if he said he loved me, would I tell his wife then, you're right, I wouldn't. Why are we so wicked? I know that's wrong. My text to him, telling him I thought I was in love with him, and that if he wasn't, was a nice text. I didn't say anything in a mean way, I was just saying basically, stop with the romance talk, the sex talk, etc... and then for him to say he 'couldn't imagine how I felt having such strong feelings for him' , it cut like a knife. I would never do that to someone, but maybe I did? Maybe I did it to his wife, even though she doesn't know about it? I am so upset and cannot stop thinking about it. I feel like such a fool.

[whichwayisup]

Leave it alone and move on. This guy likes knowing you love him and has enjoyed a huge ego feed. Just stop. Change your number ,your email address, the whole nine yards.

 

I get you're hurting but you opened this door again, knowing full well he was still married. Instead of putting all the blame on him, look at your own actions in this and now the consequences... You set yourself up for another hurt and a huge fall because you opened up about how you felt.

 

There is no 'true' friendship. Not anymore. In the past, maybe there was but all that ended when you two started sexting.

 

Focus on real people in your life, those who care about you and enjoy your company. Forget him.

[herself]

Sending a hug. Just know you can never be friends. Its sad to say but I learned too many times the hard way and every time in the back of my heart I reciprocated a text or email...eventually it would lead there again.

Its a drug, its bad for you.

Right now get back to where you were when you first deleted your fb page and you weren't thinking of him.

Your life will go on just fine without him.

Imagine if you were his wife...look what kind of respect he has for her...that would answer why he disrespected you...hes selfish.

[Scorpio Chick]

You're right, Mount. Nothing 'real' happened. Thank God we never met up. He and I never kissed, never held hands, nothing. It wasn't one sided texting and emailing. That was real. But maybe because nothing physical happened, is why I'm so upset at being upset about it. Why should I be having these strong feelings when we never dated? I think it was just who I thought he was, even in high school. I had a boyfriend for 2 years in high school and felt guilty because I liked this guy so much (the guy I'm talking about). I guess there was such a innocent sweetness to it, and then when I told him, merely told him so, so many years later I had had that crush on him, he almost pounced on the opportunity to talk romantic, etc...and I got sucked in. No, I didn't get sucked in, I did it of my own free will, etc...I'm not going to blame him for my actions as an adult.

[Scorpio Chick]

When I cut contact, I unfriended him. When we resumed contact, I refriended him. Should I unfriend him again? Once and for all?

[Mount]

Again, I am still very confused about your post, what you want to get out of it, what is your goal?

 

Remember, any man is not interested in anything non-real, they want the real deal

 

- You want to be his OW, then go ahead , meeting up with him then $$%

 

- If not, then just cut off connection, as eventually he will be investing effort into the real deal in his life (I think you know what I mean)

 

Assuming you are at ageo 40- 50 range, and you should not ask the juvenile question such as if you should friend or unfriend with him, as apparently that you and that guy are standing on different pages of perception.

 

 

When I cut contact, I unfriended him. When we resumed contact, I refriended him. Should I unfriend him again? Once and for all?

[herself]

When I cut contact, I unfriended him. When we resumed contact, I refriended him. Should I unfriend him again? Once and for all?

 

Could you honestly say he is a friend?

I think you're asking this because deep down you want to have a way for him to see you and contact you. Be real with yourself.

It sucks but he has to be iced out of your life and heart.

No friend would treat u this way.

[Scorpio Chick]

Herself, that's what I've been thinking. He even said that after my last text where I told him I couldn't believe he responsed. It's like, I KNOW you're not in love, so just don't respond anymore, and let's leave it at that. He started off his response text, "I still consider you a good friend". WHA?!?! I'm going to unfriend him. This is it. I've unfriended him and cut contact once, and did good for 3.5 months, I can do it again, forever. It's the right, and only thing to do. Thank you,herself, for your reply and advice. I kind of knew it but I wanted to hear it from someone else.

[PachucaSunrise]

When I cut contact, I unfriended him. When we resumed contact, I refriended him. Should I unfriend him again? Once and for all?

 

YES.

 

If you want to eventually move past this - for YOU - you need to unfriend him. Like, NOW. Shut that door. AND LOCK IT!

 

I know how difficult it is. I truly do, but having him as a 'friend' is not going to help you in any way. You need to get the 'idea' of him out of your mind, that fantasy from years ago, and unfriending him will only help you with that.

 

Think about it this way - what kind of advice would you give your best friend if she were in this same situation?

 

He is not your friend. A 'friend' would never treat you in this manner. And he certainly doesn't deserve any continued ego boosts from you. You're better than that.

 

You need to do this for YOU.

 

If I can do it, so can you, but you gotta be strong. DEMAND respect. You can do this!!

[peaksandvalleys]

I have closed the chapter and precisely because he is a jerk I would like him to have some repercussion for using another human being. Why shouldn't his wife know? If he used me, you think he's not using her?

 

I would say tell his wife. The only that I don't quite understand maybe you can help me out. You said, " You think he is not using her?" Did you think that before he gave you a response you did not want? Wasn't he using her when communicated with you from the beginning? Why did you want to tell her then instead of now? I am genuinely curious as to your reasoning of the situation.

[Scorpio Chick]

Peaksandvalleys, I have no decent answer as to why I would tell her now. I know it is just to punish him. I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to 'let her know'. My human side thinks, I want him to have some emotional pain from this like I am, but my better (?) side says I was wrong the first time I engaged in ANY kind of flirtatious talk with him, let alone all the sexting we did. Never any pictures, but some very heavy sex talk.

 

I unfriended, blocked him and went a step further than I did last time, and that was to also block him via email. If I can block him on my phone, I will do that too. I"m charging my phone right now. I'm closing the book on him FOREVER. I promise.

 

I guess I was having a pity party too about it all. He's rich (not his 'fault') and it just seems like he has a wonderful charmed life and it just seems unfair. I realize that statement makes me look pretty bad, but it's the truth of how I feel. More than anything, more than even getting over him, I want to get over feeling like he should suffer somehow for his utter selfishness.

[Mount]

I am just going to be very straightforward here, you have mentioned the guy (I am not even writing MM as he is not your MM and you guys are not in real relationship at all) is RICH multiple times, and you said yourself is a single mom for many many years.

 

So I am going to ask you AGAIN, what is your goal towards that guy, what is your (hidden) agenda, do you hope to develop affair with him? It seems to me, the guy has not even made his move towards you which means he might not be interested in you despite the childish texting, so are you disappointing?

 

Because this guy has really nothing to do with you, you want to tell his wife?! Really?

 

Peaksandvalleys, I have no decent answer as to why I would tell her now. I know it is just to punish him. I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to 'let her know'. My human side thinks, I want him to have some emotional pain from this like I am, but my better (?) side says I was wrong the first time I engaged in ANY kind of flirtatious talk with him, let alone all the sexting we did. Never any pictures, but some very heavy sex talk.

 

I unfriended, blocked him and went a step further than I did last time, and that was to also block him via email. If I can block him on my phone, I will do that too. I"m charging my phone right now. I'm closing the book on him FOREVER. I promise.

 

I guess I was having a pity party too about it all. He's rich (not his 'fault') and it just seems like he has a wonderful charmed life and it just seems unfair. I realize that statement makes me look pretty bad, but it's the truth of how I feel. More than anything, more than even getting over him, I want to get over feeling like he should suffer somehow for his utter selfishness.

[Scorpio Chick]

Mount, thank you for your repeated interest in my post. To give you a straightforward answer to your (finally) straightforward question - now I see you aren't "confused" anymore:

 

I wanted this guy to be in love with me. I wanted him to say he has been thinking of me since high school (actually, in an email, he did say he has thought about me across the years, and even in a specific way, he said he remembers watching me in band play the flute and how he "had to admit" I "was an attractive flute player" and that he "had thought about that across the years". So, to continue, I wanted him to say, you know what, Scorpio chick, I have thought about you all these years, I am miserable with my wife, I want you, I will start what I need to do to get divorced and I want us to be married. That is what I wanted. He hinted at stuff, not marriage, but big hints, including sending me two videos that all but said he was possibly in love with me. He said if we weren't 4 states apart, he would be with me. So what I wanted, to be very clear, and what I fantasized about, was being with him. With him MAKING LOVE to me. To dancing with him at our wedding reception.

 

Does this answer your question?

[Mount]

Yes you answered my question clearly. You want him to pursue you being an OW first, then you want him to marry you.! Good Luck with that.

 

Certainly I do not disagree what you want, and also if you do want to acheive your "goal", then you need to take action.

 

Text is not action, Text is kids stuff, you need to stop juvenile stage. Sending you video does not mean he is interested in you, sending you Air ticket to see him that means something (that is how affair is being carried on in this world/reality). That is all.

 

Mount, thank you for your repeated interest in my post. To give you a straightforward answer to your (finally) straightforward question - now I see you aren't "confused" anymore:

 

I wanted this guy to be in love with me. I wanted him to say he has been thinking of me since high school (actually, in an email, he did say he has thought about me across the years, and even in a specific way, he said he remembers watching me in band play the flute and how he "had to admit" I "was an attractive flute player" and that he "had thought about that across the years". So, to continue, I wanted him to say, you know what, Scorpio chick, I have thought about you all these years, I am miserable with my wife, I want you, I will start what I need to do to get divorced and I want us to be married. That is what I wanted. He hinted at stuff, not marriage, but big hints, including sending me two videos that all but said he was possibly in love with me. He said if we weren't 4 states apart, he would be with me. So what I wanted, to be very clear, and what I fantasized about, was being with him. With him MAKING LOVE to me. To dancing with him at our wedding reception.

 

Does this answer your question?

Edited September 1, 2014 by Mount

[Scorpio Chick]

Mount, I am not interested in having him anymore. I entertained all the thoughts if he and I were to become physically involved, and I knew, in my heart of hearts, if I were to become his wife eventually (something I KNEW wouldn't happen anyway), I would never be able to trust him. I know some people believe in affairs but I don't. I want real love. He said he was happily married. HE might think he's happily married, because clearly he believes it's okay for HIM to have his cake and eat it too, but I know for a fact he hid our texts from his wife. So would his wife think they were happily married?

 

No. When I was young, and innocent, and sweet, and idealistic, he is the kind of man that would make me puke. I'm JUST starting in on the nausea towards him. He's not the nice, decent person he portrays. I guess THAT is what I would like not only for his wife, but for others to know - that he is deceptive and sneaky. But then again, so was I. So just to make clear, I WANT NOTHING FROM HIM NOW OR EVER. The book is closed. Finished.

[Mount]

I believe there has really nothing happening between you and this guy , not even EA - whatever text says is just text at that moment, so I don't think the definition of having cake and eat it too applies to this guy, unless he has already one OW or multiple affairs in his life/city.

 

But again, what I am trying to say is that, everything in your post is just what your mind activity is, that you invest so much time to think, to recall the 25 years ago stuff, to guess, to replay...etc, the guy has really nothing to do with you, he just simply typed some words, or paragraph. If he wants to see you, he will fly to see you or sending you ticket vice versa.

 

And I don't think the book you refered was even opened, so better never start to open as per your current thoughts. By the way, your last paragraph that bolded seems to me not very logical. It says loud - because the guy wants nothing to do with you , you want to tell his wife he is BAD?!

 

 

 

Mount, I am not interested in having him anymore. I entertained all the thoughts if he and I were to become physically involved, and I knew, in my heart of hearts, if I were to become his wife eventually (something I KNEW wouldn't happen anyway), I would never be able to trust him. I know some people believe in affairs but I don't. I want real love. He said he was happily married. HE might think he's happily married, because clearly he believes it's okay for HIM to have his cake and eat it too, but I know for a fact he hid our texts from his wife. So would his wife think they were happily married?

 

No. When I was young, and innocent, and sweet, and idealistic, he is the kind of man that would make me puke. I'm JUST starting in on the nausea towards him. He's not the nice, decent person he portrays. I guess THAT is what I would like not only for his wife, but for others to know - that he is deceptive and sneaky. But then again, so was I. So just to make clear, I WANT NOTHING FROM HIM NOW OR EVER. The book is closed. Finished.

Edited September 1, 2014 by Mount

[peaksandvalleys]

Peaksandvalleys, I have no decent answer as to why I would tell her now. I know it is just to punish him. I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to 'let her know'. My human side thinks, I want him to have some emotional pain from this like I am, but my better (?) side says I was wrong the first time I engaged in ANY kind of flirtatious talk with him, let alone all the sexting we did. Never any pictures, but some very heavy sex talk.

 

I unfriended, blocked him and went a step further than I did last time, and that was to also block him via email. If I can block him on my phone, I will do that too. I"m charging my phone right now. I'm closing the book on him FOREVER. I promise.

 

I guess I was having a pity party too about it all. He's rich (not his 'fault') and it just seems like he has a wonderful charmed life and it just seems unfair. I realize that statement makes me look pretty bad, but it's the truth of how I feel. More than anything, more than even getting over him, I want to get over feeling like he should suffer somehow for his utter selfishness.

 

Fair enough. I am one of those women who no one told. I think he should suffer and many here would label bitter for that thought. I appreciate the honest answer.