In order to be successful in dating, is having a social life/friends a must?

[preraph]

You're constantly interjecting your "facts" into the conversation when that's not what anyone said. No one said you had to have 60 friends or pretend to be friends. They said you need to be social enough to have some friends, real friends, or you're not social enough to sustain a romance. Clearly, you're very defensive on the subject and determined to convince yourself you're right and the rest of the world is wrong. When you get that far out in left field, it's time to get professional help and find out why. Nothing wrong with enjoying a lot of time alone. I'm that way and probably to a fault, but it's not good if you can't have relationships.

[hotpotato]

I don't have a best gf, and I'm sure that's very different from most women. My ex though it was weird. I do have few male acquaintances.

 

I think if a guy likes you enough he'll look past it.

 

Not having a social life by it's nature means it will be harder for you to meet men.

 

Also, I do plenty of things without an SO or a close gf. It isn't necessary to have a life. Many of the things I like to do don't require a second person.

[hotpotato]

 

 

Sounds like female logic to me lol.

 

Yes, it's most definitely female logic.

 

Men not having close freinds-no big deal

Women not having close friends-ermahgawd what's wrong with her!?!?!?

 

There is a lot more stigma around women who don't have friends, especially close girlfriends. Part of it is the mythology around female friendships.

[MissBee]

Having friends and a social life are a normal part of being a well-adjusted person.

 

You don't need a ton of friends but it is weird if someone has NO friends, no one they ever go out with, nothing they ever do socially, no one they call for advice or help, no one their kids would know as a family friend, I mean...I find it difficult to understand how they could possibly be interesting enough to date or sustain a relationship if they can't even have ONE friend and I can't fathom if they ever break up how hard it would be since their only friend was their boyfriend/gf. It seems like an isolated life.

 

I can identify two women I'd say are my mom's closest friends, then she has other women she calls or does stuff with from time to time. My dad also has friends. I can't say my dad has a best friend but he at least has other men whom he talks to, who will call him for something or drop by their house or he'll go to their BBQ or go watch the game at their home or attend their wedding or a party for NYE's or something and growing up I have known people who are family friends. I just can't imagine a life where the ONLY social interaction you have is with your SO.

 

I am more social than my boyfriend, mainly because I am a grad student so I just have a bigger friendship circle and most of my friends live close by and I tend to have lots of school social events as well as events of friends to attend and so on. He works full time and doesn't have as big a social circle and most stuff we go to with friends is us going to stuff for my friends BUT he has his 3 really good friends then he is also friendly with work folks and does social stuff other than with me sometimes. I find it a red flag if someone has NO friends, not even casually whom they can even go grab a bite to eat with, even if you aren't sharing your deepest darkest secrets with them.

Edited September 2, 2014 by MissBee

[hellon]

I only have like 3 close friends at the moment, I really don't have a social life when it comes to going out with friends, eating out, weddings, that type of thing etc, etc... I do enjoy meeting new people and if someone is interested in being my friend, then I'm all for it. Friends just come and go in my life.

 

I mean...

 

You say that you have 3-ish close friends "at the moment"- are you not planning on them sticking around? Friendships are relationships, so a lot of people look to friendships as an indicator of how someone might be in a romantic relationship.

If you don't have friends, they may wonder if you can maintain a romantic relationship, or have some issues socially, hence the red flag.

 

That being said, everyone is different. So if it's really just that you don't like going out or being around a ton of people, you're bound to find someone else who's similar and will accept that.

[HappyLove]

You're constantly interjecting your "facts" into the conversation when that's not what anyone said. No one said you had to have 60 friends or pretend to be friends. They said you need to be social enough to have some friends, real friends, or you're not social enough to sustain a romance. Clearly, you're very defensive on the subject and determined to convince yourself you're right and the rest of the world is wrong. When you get that far out in left field, it's time to get professional help and find out why. Nothing wrong with enjoying a lot of time alone. I'm that way and probably to a fault, but it's not good if you can't have relationships.

 

Hahaha, thanks for this laugh. I'm just imagining you looking like a wild banshee going off about this. Ummm, it's not that serious! My 60 friends was an EXAMPLE not fact. No, I'm not trying to convince the world either. Take some of your advice and seek help.

[GravityMan]

I prefer to date women who have friends of BOTH genders, and who has reasonable boundaries with regard to male friends. That is a sign of maturity and of good emotional health.

 

What about very few friends?

 

As long as the number is at least one or two, I don't think it matters that much. I also don't think it matters if it's a few close friends, or 10 casual friends or work friends or whatever. As long as you're capable of being likable and able to connect with at least a few people, and have at least one person (doesn't necessarily have to be a friend) that you're comfortable being vulnerable around...you'll probably be fine. In general it is far easier and more likely to connect well with others on a friendship level than on an intimate romantic level. Even most shy people and loners tend to have at least one friend. If a person has no friends, there's a reason why and there's a 95% chance that reason is not good. Being asocial is pretty bad and being antisocial is worse...that's one of the worst traits a person can have.

 

This extends beyond dating, IMO. A major factor in accomplishing things in life revolves around who you know and your ability to form, grow and maintain interpersonal relationships. If you can't connect with others, if you're unlikable, if you struggle to work well with others...you may have a hard time in many facets of your life. And it's likely that whatever caused that originated during your childhood. Humans are wired to be social. Dating is usually highly social.

 

There are cases of very bright people...geniuses even...who fell short of their potential (in relationships, career, etc) either because they struggled to relate with and form emotional bonds with others, or because they were unlikable a-holes.

 

Interesting people are interesting because (a) they have had fun experiences with others, (b) they are critical and insightful thinkers and are willing to speak their mind even if it goes against the grain, © they have interests of their own, value those and are open to trying new things, (d) they are able to "let go" and (e) they have genuine interest in others and know how to engage them. Face it, for most of us, our most exciting and/or funniest moments in our lives did not occur while we were alone...we were with others. Friendless people tend to be boring. Plus, most of them want emotional connections just like the rest of us (although some are in denial about that) and when they find someone they make the mistake of being clingy or smothering.

 

Social skills, humor, wit, empathy, emotional intelligence, ice breakers, able to make others feel at ease...those things are just as important as school education, and ideally a person should be decent at some those before he or she finishes high school. Confident men and women who have attractive demeanor tend to be naturals in all of those things, plus they have charm and/or charisma. Friendship opportunities come very easily to them.

 

If you don't have any friends at all, then you aren't a well-adjusted person and you likely have self-confidence issues.

[WesternWizard]

I've never had any friends who weren't the fair-weather kind.

 

So I guess I must be toxic, right?

[rester]

I value my friendships a great deal, have many I've kept in touch with for over 30 years (in real life; not social media), and as such, prefer someone that does the same. I would be hesitant to date anyone that hasn't placed their friends high on their priorities list.

 

That said, if you don't do the same, you may do great with other people that feel the same way. It's like anything, two people will see eye to eye the best when their priorities in life match up. This could be eating habits, sexual appetite, exercise, time spent on career, travel preferences, etc.

[SpiralOut]

What about people who have friends, but they don't live in the same city?

 

I would say I have an okay social life. I go out and meet people. I have lots of aquaintences. None of them have evolved into a friendship really, not even the casual type where I can call them up to meet for a coffee. That might happen eventually but not yet. Most of my actual friends don't live here and I only see them a few times a year.

 

Red flag?

[guest569]

I'm going to answer no, it is not a must.

 

I have a few friends but we aren't that close. But I have successfully dated because I am an introvert who loves to spend time alone. I dont get clingy or bored and it doesn't mean I am incapable of human interaction or socializing. It just means that I haven't found the right people to share friendships with.

 

I dated a guy who didnt seem to have many friends, it doesn't bother me. I see an orange flag on people who hate their family but I can look past it.

[Lonelyyou]

I wouldn't date someone who doesn't have friends. If you don't have friends, that tells me you have problems relating to people.

 

Wow. Its sad that people can be so preemptively judgmental. What if they've just landed in a new country and don't know anyone there? What if they've gone through a difficult live experience (and have not been able to maintain friendships) and are just recovering?

 

Whilst I agree that there are people out there with whom I am personally not compatible with (and thus would not date), the fact they do/don't have friends is irrelevant. I'd prefer to get to know them personally first, before deciding they are dating material or not.

 

To answer the OP's question, you don't need friends to date people. With that in mind, having friends enhances your social skills and equips you with techniques in understanding people and making them feel more comfortable. This, in turn, means you'll probably charm/attract more people and will date more. Hope that made sense.

Edited September 6, 2014 by Lonelyyou

[organizedchaos]

Wow. Its sad that people can be so preemptively judgmental. What if they've just landed in a new country and don't know anyone there? What if they've gone through a difficult live experience (and have not been able to maintain friendships) and are just recovering?

 

Whilst I agree that there are people out there with whom I am personally not compatible with (and thus would not date), the fact they do/don't have friends is irrelevant. I'd prefer to get to know them personally first, before deciding they are dating material or not.

 

To answer the OP's question, you don't need friends to date people. With that in mind, having friends enhances your social skills and equips you with techniques in understanding people and making them feel more comfortable. This, in turn, means you'll probably charm/attract more people and will date more. Hope that made sense.

 

Some of the struggling dudes on this board should read that last paragraph a few times and comit it to memory. Not that it hasn't been said many times before.

[iiiii]

I'm very introverted, and I'd see it as a red flag if a guy had no friends.

 

A few good friends is fine - I don't want to date a party animal because we'd likely be pretty incompatible - but no friends at all would worry me.

 

I'd worry that the person couldn't sustain a romantic relationship, if they can't sustain a platonic one.

[Joaquin]

Since I left college many years ago I don't seem to have as many friends as I did when I was 25. Back then I had people to do stuff with any day of the week.

 

People move cities for work or family, people settle down and over the years communication frequency drops. Some people change and stop being friendship material. I'm sure Ive also changed. People Ive meet at work haven't really become friends, we can socialise with but couldn't classify them as friends as we are ultimately professionals doing our job. And work colleagues move jobs and you dont see them as much then.

 

No. As I see it after college if you can maintain a few mates you have you are doing very well.

 

I think social circles are useful for dating. Thats kind of a no brainer. But is having friends about helping you get laid? To measure someones dating worth according to current social status shows a lack of life experience and indicates a superficial approach to relationships and to friendship.

[ASG]

For me it would be a red flag.

 

I'm not saying you need to have tons of friends. But a couple of close friends or at least people you socialise with, are a must for me.

[organizedchaos]

Since I left college many years ago I don't seem to have as many friends as I did when I was 25. Back then I had people to do stuff with any day of the week.

 

People move cities for work or family, people settle down and over the years communication frequency drops. Some people change and stop being friendship material. I'm sure Ive also changed. People Ive meet at work haven't really become friends, we can socialise with but couldn't classify them as friends as we are ultimately professionals doing our job. And work colleagues move jobs and you dont see them as much then.

 

No. As I see it after college if you can maintain a few mates you have you are doing very well.

 

I think social circles are useful for dating. Thats kind of a no brainer. But is having friends about helping you get laid? To measure someones dating worth according to current social status shows a lack of life experience and indicates a superficial approach to relationships and to friendship.

 

I don't think anyone is saying you need to have a large social circle. A few close friends is not a red flag. NO friends you can call close is a different story.

[Joaquin]

I think circumstances change and its not uncommon for an otherwise social person to find him or herself being a billy no mates at times.

Edited September 7, 2014 by Joaquin

[NGC1300]

Threads like this illustrate just how disgusting some human beings are. A person has no friends (for whatever reason) so let's marginalize them even more by concluding they're incapable of romance or giving affection to the opposite sex.

 

I don't have any friends. This wasn't always so, but times change and lifestyles change. Everything is dynamic and sometimes you start to have less and less in common with people. This is life. None of this has resulted in feeling a need to acquire "replacement" friends. Most of the activities I enjoy don't require other people, plus I work full time, so why do I need to make time for new friends I don't even want? Why do I need to waste time on this to be considered worthy of affection and romance?

 

I'll always have that desire to be with a woman, but lately I'm starting to think "romance" isn't even worth it given all the superficial requirements you have to meet.

Edited September 7, 2014 by NGC1300

[NGC1300]

Having friends and a social life are a normal part of being a well-adjusted person.

 

Well-adjusted is overrated, especially when it's to be determined by someone else's standards.

 

Isaac Newton and Nikola Tesla, two men who lived isolated lives and died virgins, contributed much more to this world than most "well-adjusted" people.

[No Limit]

Due to rather traumatic circumstances I don't give titles like "best friend" to anyone anymore. For many, that is weird enough; some are even offended or think I'm arrogant for not telling everything.

 

In the end I don't think you need to have a big friend circle. You just need enough social skill to be capable of knowing who's the rat in the pack.

[MissBee]

Well-adjusted is overrated, especially when it's to be determined by someone else's standards.

 

Isaac Newton and Nikola Tesla, two men who lived isolated lives and died virgins, contributed much more to this world than most "well-adjusted" people.

 

 

I thought the thread was about having no friends and dating and what folks thought of that NOT whether or not people with no friends who are virgins could contribute to the world .

 

You're getting way beyond the scope of the question. It's well known that lots of geniuses are social recluses or not well-adjusted people. They may have been able to create things or make technological or scientific contributions to the world but in terms of their personal happiness and relationships, that was lacking. It's also common knowledge that the skill set one needs to sustain romantic and platonic friendships are different from what it takes to excel in your career or hobbies. The two haven't a thing to do with the other. The question is about what folks think of dating and having no friends or social life not about if people who have no friends or are virgins have the capacity to create things or produce knowledge...

 

If for you those are your role models...have at it. But for me, I more so admire people who are well rounded, who are not only brilliant or contribute their minds to the world but who also have the ability to form and sustain human connections. I'd rather be a person who was able to have meaningful friendships and relationships in my life, where when the going gets tough I have people to call on and when it's all said and done I have people surrounding me who will genuinely mourn my passing because I mattered to them. I would much rather that than contributing a certain technology to the world but having no meaningful relationships beyond strangers who know my name and what I've done but don't know ME personally or where on my death bed nobody is there because I have no friends or interpersonal relationships.

 

As others have said, it's not that one needs to have tens of friends and be a social butterfly but to literally have ZERO human beings you call friends, is pretty strange to most people. It hasn't a thing to do with being shy or introverted, as I am an introvert myself but have meaningful friendships and at the least casual acquaintances I can even grab lunch with. But as it goes in dating, it's all a matter of preference. I'm sure some folks don't care if you have friends...good...date those people. But if other people prefer partners who have friendships, allow them that very normal preference.

[OwMyEyeball]

Do guys think its weird if a girl he's interested in doesn't have friends, and not even a best friend?

I wouldn't pass judgement on her for it. There are a lot of reasons people can find themselves friendless, or at least feeling that way, which have little to do with their character and social skills.

[Teknoe]

How about acquaintances?

 

I'm an introverted homebody, so I already know I wouldn't be compatible with a jet setter. In fact, on the online dating sites I'm on, I almost always skip a girl as soon as I read "Love being outdoors, looking for someone adventurous and who loves to travel like I do."

 

Why even bother at that point? I enjoy staying home and saving money.

 

Anyway, I have "friends." But I don't see them often. They might be moreso acquaintances. I have a childhood best friend of 25 years that I KIT with on a monthly basis, but it's not like we're hanging out weekly or talking to each other weekly. I see him maybe 3-4x a year?

 

I work M-F and crash Friday night through Sunday night. I do chat with friends on GChat, but I rarely have telephone conversations or hit the local restaurant with them. Meh... just like being to myself I guess. Maybe it's a reason why I'm still single, but I've made peace with it, and don't mind being alone. I might be alone, but I don't feel lonely.

[lino]

It isn't a must but it definitely helps.

 

I know of people who are loners and have had successful relationships.

 

This is something more crucial for blokes as women are more concerned with a guys 'social proof' and popularity than the other way round.

 

Having said that, I can't imagine a life without friends.

When you get F#cked over by your partner, friends will always be there.

 

For me, a life without good friends is a life not lived to its fullest.