alayvoa Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 ok-i did all the wrong things-had an affair w/married co-worker-fell in love-he divorced her-was never happy-she materialistic-he down to earth. Now that's out, u can slander me but I do believe we had the best friendship & love ever in existance. Then the inevitable, they were seperated & he had a sexual incident w/her, broke my heart but I know he didn't have to tell me & we decided to try again. Of course it changed alot of my feelings, but it's hard to leave your best friend. I can't say that I don't regret not packing up my losses & leaving but I didn't & 6 months later I can't throw that back into his face & leave. So now he's divorced & breaking his back trying to prove his faithfulness...except since his divorce he's been talking about living together. We've discussed it 100 times & all the times we do the next day he never mentions it. Finally I told him that I am sick & tired of this wishy washy behavior & what the heck is going on. At first he got defensive & said he thought I was trying to corner him. Oh boy, I got upset & told him he created a monster & now he's mad about his own creation. I never asked him to live together, it was always him. After he realized I was correct he said he was sorry & could not understand his behavior either. He promised never to do that again & he hasn't but now I feel worse because I keep wondering what was the purpose. He even told his children that we were all getting a new home in the spring & asked them if they would like 'me' to live with them. This is nuts...what's going on inside this guy's head? Do you all think I should bail or give it time? He's not a bad guy, he & I have been through alot together & he always rights his wrongs. I have alot of respect for him when it comes to that. Please don't say of course he's gonna cheat...I already know that line. I have one foot on the ground. I just don't understand the 'living together' thing. Thanks for hearing. Link to post Share on other sites
Ed Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 "This is nuts...what's going on inside this guy's head?" There are so many intense feelings flying around in this situation. It's hard for me to sort them out. Your guy is probably racked with guilt. He cheated on his wife. Then he cheated on his girlfriend. Now he's worried about his kids, you and is still having to deal with his ex-wife to some extent. All this while, I assume, holding down a job to take care of himself and everybody else too. I'm having a nervous breakdown just thinking about it! He must be using some kind of medications (alcohol, legal or illegal drugs) to keep it all together. "Do you all think I should bail or give it time?" You are the only one who can answer that question. You apparently had some want or need fulfilled by this relationship. What want or need was that? Can it still be fulfilled or do you even have that desire anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 This guy is ridden with a massive amount of guilt and confusion. You need to take things very slowly with him. I can never understand how people can just go out, have an affair, and expect the emotional aspects of the affair, divorce, etc. to resolve themselves so quickly. You also have to understand that a lot of this guilt and confusion relate to his children. He wants to accomodate them the best way he can and keep them important in his life. You can't blame him for that. My vote is to hang in there. It seems he did a lot of this in a hurry to be with you He needs time to become accustomed to this radical change in his life and to resolve the intense and confused feelings he has. Now, I will tell you. People generally have affairs out of desperation. That may be a good time for an affair but it's not the best time to crank up a new life long relationship. Once he gets his head on straight and the dust settles, he could want to remain with you or he could want to go in a different direction. Hang in there, pay attention, and cut him some slack. In the months ahead, you should be able to more clearly see exactly what his intentions are. In this particular case, you need to have some very excellent ongoing communication with him so you will know from day to day where his head is. However, it would not be productive for you to put pressure on him or give him ultimatums. He's in no state of mind for that sort of thing right now. Link to post Share on other sites
alayvoa Posted February 16, 2001 Share Posted February 16, 2001 It happened this morning-I broke it off. I was gentle but I told him that after our open conversation about living together I had to back off & go from 150% giving to this relationship to a 75% & I don't know how to do that. I love 150% & I am responsible for my own happiness. I want to take both feet off & I felt we were very lucky to have the feelings we shared. It's a rare find to love your best friend. I just deserve more & it's unfortunate if it's bad timing for him. I guess time is not of the essance for me when I think something is right. The two of you were so cool not to judge & you're absolutely right about the guilt. I'm sure that's an ongoing thing for him. We talk about everything & if the guilt is so there why doesn't he talk to me about it. I asked him to love me enough to let me go if he's confused, come back when he's not. You guys have to realize we have been together since Oct 99. He seperated in Apr of 2000, & divorced in Oct 2000. She played games w/signing the papers. But in the past year the things I've heard have been forever...a team...best friend...greatest love in his life...have my baby...move in w/me....let's get a new start & get our own place... What I've seen have been....greatest love in his life...looking for a place...a team...best friend...not much different than what I've heard. I suppose it sounds bad because I am judging the strength of his feelings by his readiness to live together. I wouldn't have even entertained the thought if he wasn't the one to literally pull up the car & say lets go find us OUR new home, looking in the real estate ads...measuring his room for my bedrm set. I am hurt because I thought our future was together & he is asking me to stop my thoughts now dead in the middle of them and change gears. THANK YOU for your insight. Does any of this change what you think...guys are more in tune to guys actions. Help me out here...He wants to talk later & I don't want to pressure him but I am not going to sacrifice my happiness, needs, & sanity if I don't know what I am doing it for. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Ed Posted February 17, 2001 Share Posted February 17, 2001 I was afraid and also pretty sure that you were going to finally end this affair. In my first reply, I didn't tell you all that I was thinking about your situation. Since you asked for it, I will say some more. But, this time you may not thank me. You did make a huge mistake by getting involved with this man from the very beginning. And he getting involved with you was an even bigger mistake. I really place more of the blame on him. But, I think you are feeling more guilt about it than he does. You had a very passionate fling with a married man and he ended up falling in love with you. Maybe his marriage did suck and it would have ended sooner or later, with or without you; who knows? The fact is, he pretty much left his wife and family on account of you. And you know that. I think you have known for some time that you did not want things to go this far, but, the guilt kept you in it, with the hopes that your feelings for him would change. Well, they didn't. And now you have to live with the fact that his marriage is over and you don't want to be with him anymore. I feel very sorry for you. You are rationalizing the ending of this by blaming him for not committing to you. Hell, he left his wife and family for you! This is such a screwed up situation. It probably is best that you do end it. I don't know what you are going to do now. But, I sure as hell hope you never get involved with another married man, for your own sake! Link to post Share on other sites
alayvoa Posted February 17, 2001 Share Posted February 17, 2001 Don't get me wrong-I asked for it but I don't want it to end. I've been trying to tell him that. I know I made the first mistake but that mistake turned into a beautiful thing. I don't understand why you think I want it to end. This man is my soul-mate, my bestfriend. We both feel that way. I just feel as if a person tells you they want to live together, flirted with the idea of marriage, wants you to have a child with him & then never follows through with these thoughts there is something wrong. He has his children almost every night. Every night for the past 4 months I have been at his house having dinner with them, reading 1 a book while he reads the other, sitting at the kitchen table looking at the real estate ads with him. For what? For him to tell me that he has no idea why he says what he wants to do but doesn't follow through? We even went to the bank to get a pre-approval for a home loan. How can you say that I don't want this relationship, I'd move in with him in a heart beat, I just want him to know as strongly as I do that this is what he wants. When you 'hear' things & don't 'see' the same things there is something wrong...right? Is there really something I am not seeing about myself here? Your opinion is valuable to me please don't stop giving it, even if it is confusing to me. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
alayvoa Posted February 18, 2001 Share Posted February 18, 2001 oh...so you do have a life!!! (?) Link to post Share on other sites
Ed Posted February 19, 2001 Share Posted February 19, 2001 Yes, I do have a life, with my own set of conflagrations. I'm sorry I could not respond to you sooner. I did make many assumtions in my response, some without basis, but that's how I saw it. I can see that you two are both under a lot of stress about the future. You both have a great deal invested in this relationship, maybe too much at this time. But it is not insurmaountable. I go back to my original response, which was for you to understand the extreme pressure that this man is under. He is having to make some pretty tough decisions regarding his and everybody else's future. He needs support from you, not criticism, judgement and more pressure. You are the only real live person he has to count on for support. If you can't give it, then this may fall through. He is indecisive and unsure of what is best to do. It does not mean he does not love you or that he is not committed to you. It just means he does not know what is the best thing to do right now, so he is not doing anything. I understand that you want him to be decisive and take action. Maybe he has a hard time with that. Maybe he always has. Maybe he always will. And just maybe, that's why you are opting out. We all want to be AND be with someone who is sure and confident of what they want and how to go about getting it. The only thing I can say is, he's not there. And who knows when he will be. Now maybe he is jacking you around. Only you can determine that. Link to post Share on other sites
alayvoa Posted February 19, 2001 Share Posted February 19, 2001 Hey...thanks Ed. Well after 2 days he approached me & had a change of heart. He said that being without me is harder than taking the steps to grow with me. Don't know but I hope it's for him & not just me. We'll see. He said his problem (he feels) is how vulnerable he'll be if he takes both feel off the ground. I told him I felt it was the most incredible feeling ever & if he believes in 'us' he should try it. Well he does want to live together & is giving me time to believe him. I have enough belief that he wouldn't do this to me again after his all this craziness. I told him I supposed that after all it boiled down to his ability to take both feet off probably more that living together. The sky is the limit when you believe in a relationship. For someone I don't even know...you've been a peach to hear me through. Thanks for that. You obviously have helped alot of people out on this sight. I've never been here before & really find it nice to see I'm not the only one who needs an ear (or a monitor occasionally. Thanks again...let you know how it goes! J Link to post Share on other sites
Ed Posted February 19, 2001 Share Posted February 19, 2001 Dear J, I have a good feeling that you are well on your way to a life of happiness. Who knows what the future holds? None of us do. You just keep plugging away and doing the best you can. I don't know how much I help other people by contributing to this site, but, I sure get a lot out of from it. My best to you, Ed Link to post Share on other sites
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