Author angelj Posted March 9, 2005 Author Share Posted March 9, 2005 hes out on medical leave...he injured himself on the job. and again, at least its not just a personal thing. all day and nite at work people were talking about how he has dropped off the face of the planet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted March 10, 2005 Author Share Posted March 10, 2005 same old story.... hes still the topic at work. everyone is concerned. and everyone thinks someone needs to intervene and see what is going on with him. however...is that really what should be done? most think that he is shutting himself off from people and that it is not good. especially because of the household he lives in (still lives at home with an alcoholic/substance abusing father who only encourages negative behaviors...) how is someone supposed to grow up, get their **** together and act like a grownup with no grownups around? i dont know then again those of us who care that much and spend the time discussing him wonder if our energy would be just wasted if we reached out and tried? and how much can you really try, doesnt it take a person on their own true will to accomplish things? i mean hey some people need a little budge but how the hell are you supposed to nudge them when they just plain wont speak to you? some say i should write a letter, some say i should be the one to knock on his door because i was the closest to him. but even though i really want to try that, i cant help but say maybe he really does just need his damn space!! just like we have been saying on these messageboards!!! ahhhhhh...people end up coming around. and if they dont, well thats out of my power wouldnt you say? ive done what i can...ive left my messages and i havent done a thing wrong. i wish people would stop turning to me about him and his well-being! Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 I don't think that you should be responsible for handling the situation. You may be the closest in a sense but also the most emotionally vulvernable. If someone else chooses to go, then so be it. However, you are POWERLESS to change this situation. The sooner you recognize and accept that you cannot change anything right now, the better for your state of mind. Of course you need to communicate to anyone who thinks you need to chase him down. People love a drama and would often do or encourage anyone to do something to see a drama unfold. Refuse to be part of that drama. ALSO.... ....some people, like your friend, who are raised in rough environments, often are most comfortable in relationships that mimic those they are most familiar with. It does not mean it is Right or Healthy. But it is what they are attracted and interested in. It may seem strange and bizarre and terribly unhealthy to you. However, as solid and stable as you are may not be enough. He may "need" the drama and the craziness he gets with his ex. At least at this time in his life. Eventually he may grow out of this as he leaves home and experiences new situations. Who knows. Again, you are powerless over anything except helping yourself move on from this situation. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 well the boy came around..... yesterday after another manager asked where he has been, i gave his number and said she should call him. she got a hold of him and he came in to visit. i was skeptical..i wasnt sure how to act! of course, (which didnt help whatsoever) as soon as he got there, at least 3 people told him i was pissed at him for not calling me. people LOVE drama! you're absolutely right clynn! however, at first i was not sure what to say so when i finally approached him he said something along the lines of, oh you ARE here come give me a hug...and stood up to hug me and i didnt know what to say so i just kind of stood there. then he immediately said, "im sorry ive been MIA, but i got a new cell phone finally! and i got my car fixed..." i almost felt like he wanted to impress me right away? i dont know...i just kind of stood there and said oh really? what else could i say? besides the fact that he looked like he had been drinking either earlier or the nite before and i asked him if he was doing well and he said no...that he is ok but he will be fine. he asked if i was mad at him because more than a few people just yelled at him for me . i told him i was not, i was just confused and glad he was ok since i was being bombarded with questions about him, and i was unsure as to why he had not called. he went on to say that he was really depressed for about a week and didnt think he needed anyone. and now he has a lot of stuff to get straightened out, not to mention doctor visits so he can get back to work. you can tell he is extremely sensitive at the moment. i told him i was in miami the weekend before for a "vacation" and he immediately said, "geeze did i depress you that much that you needed a vacation?" he appologized for not keeping in touch a little better. he showed me his new phone and as i tried to program my number in it he cut me off and told me i was already in there. funny, i was in his phone on speed dial and with a voice command, but he hasnt tried calling. he also said when he stopped by the restaurant last week he didn't come in because he didn't see my car. and when he asked who was working, i was not one of them. all in all it went pretty well. i do feel bad for him but i feel much better about myself now since i now understand whats going on. (even if thats what everyone was telling me was most likely the case!) as we said bye he hugged me 3 or 4 times and said he would keep in touch better. he paused and got that same look on his face when he would get nervous before he would kiss me...then he nervously laughed and said to have a good day at work and he said he better speak to me before i went out of town the next week. i jokingly thanked him for forgetting his friend to which he replied, rather serious, i have not forgotten you. thanks guys, (and girls) for listening and giving advice. there will certainly be more updates... Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted March 15, 2005 Author Share Posted March 15, 2005 well things are about the same. i was at work tonite and the boy stopped in. he is just so strange. he came in, acted like he was surprised to see me gave me a quick hug, joined in with another guy to make fun of me for some stupid stuff and then gave me another quick hug and left. it was like a whirlwind...the boy who used to hang out with me for a year and then some seems to have forgotten his friend. or quite possibly its the whole healing process you all keep talking about? nonetheless i feel a little used...or forgotten? or maybe both? whatever...its certainly not the first thing on my mind. i dont really see him anymore..that saying out of sight out of mind rings true. should be interesting when he starts up at work again. either way it is still confusing. he wont call me, but im in his new phone with a speed dial and a voice command. he doesnt talk to me too much if he stops in, but if im not around when he stops in, he asks everyone if ill be in/checks my schedule. is this some stupid game? or am i just reading too far into things...? Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 I think that when / if he starts up work again..... ...and when the time is right...and you have his attention..... ....really GIVE IT TO HIM! You have the right to be really, really angry. What he has done is unfair to you and to not even have communicated it to you is cowardly and unjust. And so he should be told. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted March 16, 2005 Author Share Posted March 16, 2005 clynn i agree with you... he came in today, twice. the first time he had to speak with a manager and acted completely normal! as if nothing was wrong, hugged me repeatedly and told me to call him from my trip out of town. he came in again tonite, and made up some stupid excuse for being there. and he called me and jokingly said i had been acting hostile to him. me acting hostile?? hes the one that stopped calling me!! how the heck else should i act?? hes coming back to work starting tomorrow...the day i leave for a week vacation, haha. he was saying i cant believe you are leaving, you planned it huh. (jokingly) then told me for the 4th time to call him from my trip. its just like everyone said... as soon as he came back to work, he would try to pick up where he left off. Link to post Share on other sites
Quintana1985 Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 After reading your initial post, I can totally relate to him. I was in the same situation. I loved my boyfriend because we were together for 5 years and than he cheated on me and moved in with her. During that time it sunk in my head that we were completely over and so I let myself talk to someone else. By the time my ex came back, I had feelings for both and I found myself not knowing which way to go. But since you know one person longer and have a greater attachment to them, you can't hurt their feelings at all. And although, you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings either, you conform to the ex because there was a strong bond there. During the time that I started talking to my ex again, I found myself turning my phone off all the time and not returning phone calls to neither my friends or the other person. I did this because in long term relationships, all you have is each other, and so when you start talking to them again, you feel it needs to be the same. Another reason I would do it is because I didn't want to be tempted to going out all the time or talking to the other person because I would get even more confused. I was trying to work something out with my ex and all the extra was just getting in the way of that. But, I got to the point, after about 3 months, that I couldn't trust my ex and I had strong feelings for the other person. So, I completely cut everything with my ex just to find out that the other person had a girlfriend. But, now, even after that, I don't regret not talking to my ex anymore, because without trust, there isn't anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted March 20, 2005 Author Share Posted March 20, 2005 thought i would bring you all up to date...especially you quintana since you seem to relate well... ive been pretty happy. just goin with the flow and really not worried about things. the boy is a major source of confusion however. i don't let it bother me, it doesnt weigh on my mind and i don't lose sleep over it but it is still odd and i figured id tell you all about it and maybe you would have some thoughts... as i was saying earlier when i was leaving for my trip he threw a lot at me...i cant believe you are leaving the day i came back to work...then, jokingly..."you probably planned this so you dont have to see me huh? you dont want anything to do with me anymore.." ok mr insecure...then he says call me please from your trip i want to hear from you i want to hear all about it. so i call we talk periodically he calls me..etc. the first nite im up there he says to me...im really trying to move on now. i talked to the ex she wanted to talk to me but she ended up screaming and yelling at me and practically hitting me etc etc...i was like oh....then he says yeah i really wish you were here, but you arent. so i guess i have some date tonite. what???? of course i say nothing about it, i just say, "um ok?" and he says, "i have to go but please call me later." what you are going out on a date?? call you later? then i reply with umm well i'll try i'm going out if you are still awake later and i call you then we will talk. and he says i should be up please call me. wtf again during the trip and during a st pattys day late nite drunk dial episode on my behalf we talk and he brings up out of absolutely nowhere, "oh yeah i was supposed to go on a date the other nite..but i got stood up." ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm ok i say oh thats a damn shame, i hope you hear the sarcasm in my voice. he says "sarcasm...why would there be any sarcasm?" i get back fri nite. i talked to him a few times that day. we kept in touch because there was a huge chance i would be staying in an airport instead of coming home. call him when i get home he says. when we decided to meet up he got to the restaurant first and found out there was a wait. i was exhausted and really didn't even want to hang out anymore and he had been drinking earlier with some friends and decided to make it a nite. fine by me...even though he slipped in...you dont want to chill with me anyway. what? again, mr seriously insecure...where is this major lack of security coming from? the recent split/realization hes single?? i see him saturday when i stopped in to work for a minute...he seemed a little weird but it was just me second guessing every action. (which is killer...quintana you know what im talking about) he calls me saturday nite when he gets out of work and leaves me a 5 minute message talking about his nite how he was tired how he was supposed to meet up with some guy etc...and he was giving me a call. i get around to calling him 2 hours later and he was hanging out with a friend at his house. i was about to go to sleep and in the middle of our conversation again he says to me..."yeah i was supposed to go out tonite but i got stood up." um ok i say ill talk to you later and he says "call me tomorrow, have a great nite.." tomorrow comes (which is today) and i decide ok this is stupid. i need to just ask this guy what the heck he is doing. im feeling like a big nuisance! is he trying to ween me off without being rude? i dont want to be a bother! i truely dont want to overanalyze the situation, but is this some stupid attempt at making me jealous? which by the way - i do not show very easily. im a little more prideful than most girls and have a difficult time expressing my emotions from love to hurt to anger and jealousy. i hate sounding like some ignorant woman trying to overanalyze a males brain, which i know is much less complex than a females. i call him today and oh everything is normal! talks my head off about his day. his room he is redoing, the construction on his house, asked my opinions on 10 things, then at the end of the conversation says to me, "i have to take a shower and run some errands, call me later ok?" okk...to which he says, "no, call me later ok?" ok ill call you! "ok ill talk to you later, call me..bye." completely confused. if you want me to go away, why are you telling me to call you and answering my calls and telling me about your dates you keep getting "stood up on." is this the insecure boy needing to feel needed? and if you have so many damn hot dates lined up..why arent you talking their heads off about your day. why keep asking me to call and find out about it? just venting. interested in hearing any valuable insight Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 I'm not too clear here if he broke off with you...or you broke off with him...or things are just going seperately. But assuming you guys are broken up : He is fishing for answers and he has NO right to . You dont have to answer to him and he not to you... Don't be so available if he calls and since I didnt read you beginning post because there are soo many ...forgive that part please. If you are in a relationship with him, this is all unacceptable....if you are NOT in a relationship with him anymore, then Move On...Both of you....That comes from not being available...not answering questions....going on dates as you please....him going on dates....Is anyone here trying to make the other jealous ? ( I mean you 2 ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted March 20, 2005 Author Share Posted March 20, 2005 you would have to read my initial post...i understand there are many. we arent in a serious relationship nor have we been in one. to understand the situation, you would have to backup and read a few other posts. BUT thank you for reading...all answers are appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Yah, Mary, really needs to read the initial stuff. ..................Wowwwwwwww, angelj sounds heavy duty. That is tough. I'm a prideful one myself, and really it must be good to be that way rather that just laying it all out on the table, but YikeS! You must really want to know What is What???? Sounds to me like he is hyper insecure and still needs some time. .... I think that if you remain status quo with him and be the continual person you've been that will show reassurance without you having to behave falsely or in a way that you wouldn't normally. Yikes Good luck. Keep in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Okay now I understand. Well this man might be attracted to you and able to talk to you but he is still hung up/in love / with his X GF ! You need to know that he is avoiding your phone calls , texts and any other contact means and he is doing in *intentionally * so you need to MOVE ON ! Now read 50 posts here about NO CONTACT and it will sink in what you need to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 angelj, follow your heart. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted March 21, 2005 Author Share Posted March 21, 2005 hey clynn...im glad you can relate to the prideful part...its tough being a prideful girl!! especially when all you want to do is scream what the heck are you doing?? as for the NC mary - that stopped a while ago. i actually confronted him about that when he finally showed his face again (after the 2 weeks in hiding) and sort of gave it to him as u suggested clynn...in the nicest way possible. what i have decided is that he is just not the normal everyday guy. i hate to seem like im making excuses for him? but at this moment in time, i feel he is extremely sensitive and although moving on is what he may be doing...i feel his heart is only halfway there. he knows he wants to move on, his heart is making progress, but its not there 100%. luckily for me, all of your posts have helped tremendously seeing as though my everyday life does not "revolve around him." its almost humorous to me now, kind of like a game im playing with a child? funny how men can be related to children so easily...hehe just joking fellas but yes, i will certainly keep you posted. i'll give him a call later, i think we might work together tomorrow? we'll see how it goes. is that strange on my behalf that i don't mind this "game" we are playing? (if you want to call it that..) i do consider myself pretty level headed. heck, part of the reason i joined this site was because i've been seriously contemplating changing my major to pyschology, as i've always been the therapist in my circle of friends and truely enjoy dissecting/analyzing other people/problems/the way their minds work and why and offering advice/solutions. but for some odd reason, i am attracted to this sort of behavior? oh the tangled webs we weave... thanks everyone! will keep you posted on my soap opera... Link to post Share on other sites
Quintana1985 Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 angelj, He is playing alot of games with you and that is totally wrong. There is no need to ask him what he is doing because guys will always show you through their actions. Be strong. If you want to continue the game playing with him, just be sure that it isn't harming you. If it isn't hurting you, than go right ahead, but if it is, than put that to a stop. Don't ever call him. Let him call you. One of the best ways to know if a guy really likes you, is to become pretty much unavaiable, but in your case. since you work with him, you need to become unavilable outside of work. Don't answer his phone calls or call him up. Just see him at work. Eventually, if he cares enough, he will come up to you about it. And, that's when you could let it all out and give him every piece of your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted March 22, 2005 Author Share Posted March 22, 2005 yeah the games are weird because hes not a game-player. at least he never has been with me. today was super ****ty. we worked together for the first time in a while...i kept getting weird vibes from him, especially since on the phone he is super nice and interested in me and in person he just seemed not as much. i finally asked him if i was bothering him and he was well, rather cold and rude about it all. his injury was really hurting him and he has a cold, so i felt bad pestering him with drama but whatever man, they are my feelings and we've always been considerate of each other in the past, so too bad i have the right to ask? after the rudeness, i spoke to him later...(about an hour ago) he appologized for his rude behavior. he appologized for a lot. we had a nice talk. im beginning to understand a little bit more by his words and actions. hes got issues. they dont involve me...really big issues. he really needs to figure his brain out and then maybe we can be "friends" again. it was just nice to hear the appology. anyway - i think he might be out of work again for sometime because he was in some pretty bad pain today. will keep you posted... Link to post Share on other sites
SuperFantastico Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 You really like to torture yourself eh. Bring the ball in your court and tell him you met someone on vacation. ha ha , that should send him for a loop. Then tell him you met someone here too. He likes to mind F you so mind F him back. Play dirty. its the only way you are gonna get anywhere. Why would you even bother to phone him while you were on vacation? It ruins it. Perhaps you are just afraid to get into a relationship, so you let this guy string you along knowing full well its not going to go anywhere. Just so you wont have to get bogged down into an actual relationship. And for the love of JC, dont call him. Sheesh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted March 23, 2005 Author Share Posted March 23, 2005 i dont know what my problem is. im not calling him. he didnt work today because he was in too much pain. im not going to say much of anything anymore. i dont know i need help Fing with his head because im not good at games. and right now i wish i were. Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Oh, rats. I hate that you're going through this and I jus really hope it all works out really well for you in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperFantastico Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Dont feel too bad angelj we've all been there. Just sit back a moment, take a deep breath, and think about how all this is effecting you. Is this guy worth all this trouble. Seems to me from what you've said, he dosnt really care much for you. You are more of a plaything for him. Do you want to be a plaything? He dosnt know what he wants. Let the flakey guy flake off somewhere else. Find someone who has a head on thier shoulders, not bobbing in the mud. .......ack stupid msn messanger....lost my train of thought...... Oh as for whats wrong with you, there is nothing wrong. We all torture ourselves from time to time. When there is nothing interesting going on in life, what better way to pass the time then some kinda drama. I personally love to torment myself But after a while, its not good. It starts to drain you, and thats when YOU have to stop it. The boy, or anyone else for that matter, wont make you happy. Only you can. And thats the bottom line......BAM!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted March 23, 2005 Author Share Posted March 23, 2005 i know, i know...you are all correct. i know "its not me, its him" but blahhh thats just annoying. anyway - whats even more annoying is how yes, all along he told me how he didnt think we could be together right now and how he wanted to be with me in the future. so i guess from HIS perspective hes thinking, "well i told her we wouldnt work right now..." but are you kidding me? tell me this, am i that crazy to still have fallen so hard for this guy? its not like he ever slowed down. when he said lets just be friendsa few months ago, i gave him JUST friends as hard as that was for me and do you know what he did? he almost cried and said he couldn't handle it. then he completley cut off the ex (at least for a while) and started to act right. but i guess he wasnt ready to grow up yet...all this future bs...isnt that just a bunch of lame excuses for a coward to say instead of, "im sorry, im not capable of growing up and taking my head out of my ass to maintain a healthy, normal relationship. instead i'd rather dick around, party my ass off, and keep you as a safety net for when im finally grown up.." and hes coming off feeling OK about it because he told me all along, and was always keeping me posted on where his relationship with his ex stood...blah i say mind games, do you agree? and what ive ALWAYS said to him was...that i respected the fact that he realized he couldnt handle a relationship that was actually normal, but wtf...if you actually find someone that makes you motivated, happy, energized, and LOVED without alcohol, abuse/abusive behaviors...wouldn't you run with that? i mean wouldnt that be enough to go hey ive partied for at least 15 years of my life its time for a change? i dunno its just me but i thought once you found something that was worth it, you took it and ran. you didnt just run away and hide because it was too much work. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperFantastico Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 You are ready, he is not. You give him the attention to help him through all his **** hes going through. But it seems he does not want a relationship right now. I've been there before too. just avoid him for a while. maybe that will smarten him up. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by angelj and what ive ALWAYS said to him was...that i respected the fact that he realized he couldnt handle a relationship that was actually normal, but wtf...if you actually find someone that makes you motivated, happy, energized, and LOVED without alcohol, abuse/abusive behaviors...wouldn't you run with that? i mean wouldnt that be enough to go hey ive partied for at least 15 years of my life its time for a change? i dunno its just me but i thought once you found something that was worth it, you took it and ran. you didnt just run away and hide because it was too much work. Angelj, sometimes people prefer the misery, or the lack of happiness over happiness itself. Even in their right states of mind. Habits, or unhealthy situations can change people permanently. If he is behaving in this idiotic way, and it is not because of the break up issues with his ex gf, it is because he prefers to behave in that way. Added: sometimes certain life styles will be a permanent feature of a person. Booze is another likely candidate for a miserty maker, and sometimes excessive greed too. Not that all of these necessarily apply to this man, but I think you get the picture of what I am trying to say. Sometimes people actually prefer idiocy or unhealthy life styles above other things. If he is over, or should be over, his ex gf, cut your losses and move on then. He won't change. Link to post Share on other sites
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