SerCay Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I'm gonna start, you guys add your own! - 0 self esteem - no friends left from before relationship - total isolation - weight gain from emotional eating - distorted perception of sexiness and beauty - distorted vision on what "right" treatment is - numbed out feelings - Scared of nothing - Nothing surprises me - Cold blooded towards things that would scare others sh*tless - Social anxtiety and awkwardness with people Also mention how long you were in it! I was for 4 years 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 I guess for me it caused me to be way more cautious about who I decide to trust. And it taught me to never, ever ignore the red flags again. I saw the signs but didn't understand them fully. Still, I knew something was wrong and I should've paid attention. I won't be making that mistake again. He did try to isolate me but I wouldn't let him, and whenever he talked badly about my friends, I would just say that yes, I knew they had flaws, but I didn't care. They were still my friends. But a certain amount of isolation did occur because I became depressed and didn't want to socialize the way I once had. As much as I detest thinking about that relationship, it has given me an insight to abuse that I never had before. I never understood why people stayed and now I kind of get it. It also taught me to raise my expectations of men, and people in general. Otherwise, I would continue to be in dead-end relationships. Life will continue to hold the mirror to our faces until we finally see the image clearly. We were married for 4 yrs, only lived together 2 yrs out of those 4 because of being separated. It has been 10 yrs since we divorced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 I am a man who was abused by a woman Difficulty sleeping Weird things disturb me like sexual stuff because she cheated on me in brutal ways Low self esteem Crazy high sex drive but am not attracted to other women I pine for her everyday even though she was awful Someone yelling at me just breaks me down instantly Anxiety and panic attacks when I think about her Its been 7 months and I am still a mess. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 I guess for me it caused me to be way more cautious about who I decide to trust. And it taught me to never, ever ignore the red flags again. I saw the signs but didn't understand them fully. Still, I knew something was wrong and I should've paid attention. I won't be making that mistake again. Yes this is so true...I see the world with such different eyes now, I see everything clearly now and not from my own bubbly perspective. Some days I do wish I could go back to that ''unwise'' state of mind though. Knwing so much can sometimes spoil new excitements because you see all the red flags. But a certain amount of isolation did occur because I became depressed and didn't want to socialize the way I once had. This is what I meant, this happened to me. In my case, he also didn't introduce me to all of his friends, he liked to keep areas of his life seperated..So yeah, depressed and isolated. Difficulty sleeping Check.. I pine for her everyday even though she was awful You will get past this. There will be a day that all you feel towards her is anger, which is the last fase of getting over it. You oine for her because you're used to her.I know that feeling and it's awful. Knowing someone is a bad person but still wanting them with you, co-dependency is an addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 I'm gonna start, you guys add your own! - 0 self esteem - no friends left from before relationship - total isolation - weight gain from emotional eating - distorted perception of sexiness and beauty - distorted vision on what "right" treatment is - numbed out feelings - Scared of nothing - Nothing surprises me - Cold blooded towards things that would scare others sh*tless - Social anxtiety and awkwardness with people Also mention how long you were in it! I was for 4 years All of this... it's the social anxiety and awkwardness that is dragging me down these days. I feel so weird around other people, like I don't know what to say. It's like I've forgotten how to make small talk or that every person who talks to me isn't interested in me. It makes it really hard to get out and socialize because I feel like I don't know how to behave. It went on for 11 years and in some ways, is still going on because I have a child with him. The good news is, I've reconnected with some old friends from before the relationship. Most of that is good, as in they are good for me, some of that, not so much and I have to be careful about who I spend my time with. I'm seeing now that one particular person I used to be friends with is very much the same as my ex was so I don't think I'll be going out of my way to spend time with her again. Not sure how to deal with the distorted vision of what "right" treatment is. It's weird to have someone be nice to me (in a romantic way). I don't know how to handle it and for some oddball reason, keep comparing new situations to how it was when I met my ex. He bowled me over with is "love" of me. I kind of expect that to happen again and when it doesn't, I get disappointed even though I know that what happened isn't normal. It doesn't normally happen that way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 She was so manipulative it almost drove me insane. I am still not sure what happened and what didn't happen with her cheating. It still makes me feel totally insane!!!! I feel as though I have lost my mind and its not good. The entire time she convinced me it was all my fault and that i was a bad person where as I was always there for her every single day and I said I loved her and tried to kiss her every single day and she denied me affection because I thought she was cheating on me which is just retarded. If someone though I was cheating I would be more loving to show them I cared. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 "Yes this is so true...I see the world with such different eyes now, I see everything clearly now and not from my own bubbly perspective. Some days I do wish I could go back to that ''unwise'' state of mind though. Knwing so much can sometimes spoil new excitements because you see all the red flags." Ser, you will get back to that. I hardly ever think about my ex and that relationship has no impact on my ability to laugh at life as I once did. It took awhile to come back around but I did. So will you. Don't let him continue to control your life even in his absence. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Posted in wrong section. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 All of this... it's the social anxiety and awkwardness that is dragging me down these days. I feel so weird around other people, like I don't know what to say. It's like I've forgotten how to make small talk or that every person who talks to me isn't interested in me. It makes it really hard to get out and socialize because I feel like I don't know how to behave. I'm at that point as well atm...weird feeling huh?? I feel as if I'm not interesting anyway, why would people bother to even think about me and be friends with me or have cnversations with me. It feels as if I'm not a fun person anymore, I've lost the ability. She was so manipulative it almost drove me insane. I am still not sure what happened and what didn't happen with her cheating. It still makes me feel totally insane!!!! I feel as though I have lost my mind and its not good. The entire time she convinced me it was all my fault and that i was a bad person where as I was always there for her every single day and I said I loved her and tried to kiss her every single day and she denied me affection because I thought she was cheating on me which is just retarded. If someone though I was cheating I would be more loving to show them I cared. Exactly this, I've been through. I don't know the details of his cheating either. He simply refused to tell me. Multiple times. He gave me the cold shoulder too when I was upset with him. I guess that's a common feature with emotional abusive people. The right thing to do is explain. No, I am not cheating on you, (if they arent of course) and then have a serious conversation about why you thought that and why you lost trust, because thats whats the real issue there. Hell yeah this drives a sane person luney. It did to me. Because you are in a gray area all the time. I disagree with the showing more love kind of thing. You can be yourself, but every SO deserves an honest and open dialogue when something is bothering them. regardless of the fact that its proven or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 To this day she denies doing anything but has admitted to some things in the past. She told me to just be normal and not to accuse her so I did and she still gave me the cold shoulder. I do feel bad for her because she did really love me and I know that. She is just messed up, I should have never moved in with her because I knew she was cheating on me before that. I just thought it was because I had not been around and she felt sad and lonely and I had been kind of a jerk to her because she kept saying weird things to me. Anyhow the whole thing was a huge mess and now I am a huge mess. Its been 7 months and I still can't get my life together. I can barely work or focus on anything. I am really messed up and it sucks so bad.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 To this day she denies doing anything but has admitted to some things in the past. She told me to just be normal and not to accuse her so I did and she still gave me the cold shoulder. I do feel bad for her because she did really love me and I know that. She is just messed up, I should have never moved in with her because I knew she was cheating on me before that. I just thought it was because I had not been around and she felt sad and lonely and I had been kind of a jerk to her because she kept saying weird things to me. Anyhow the whole thing was a huge mess and now I am a huge mess. Its been 7 months and I still can't get my life together. I can barely work or focus on anything. I am really messed up and it sucks so bad.... That's the thing about abusive people.... they just suck the life right out of you and make you feel like you are doing something wrong all the time when you really aren't doing anything wrong and then.... you start to believe it. "Geez, maybe I really did cause him/her to cheat because I didn't trust him/her." It IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! My ex really wanted me to just pretend he didn't cheat too. That was his way of handling it... just sweep it under the rug, pretend it didn't happen, I wasn't allowed to talk about it because then I was "always bringing up the past". I actually didn't say anything about it to him for several years and then some red flags popped up and I questioned him. He had the nerve to cry (yes, tears rolling down his face) and act very sad that I still didn't trust him after "all he had done to try and make amends". The problem was.. he WAS cheating AGAIN when I accused him... just as yours was too right? (I'm not 100% sure of your story) It's VERY difficult to move on and live a healthy life after being in a very toxic relationship but I believe it is possible. It's a matter of getting out there and practicing normal relationships with friends you trust. I'm lucky enough to have a few girlfriends that are very understanding and that helps a lot. Find people you trust... just friendships first and go from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 resilience understanding perception the will to fight 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Jewels7 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Feeling like you're losing your mind and that maybe what they did isn't so bad. Worrying that you're screwed up, that you'll never find a healthy relationship, never get over your ex, never love again. I'm at least glad to see I'm not the only person who pines for my ex. It's such an awful feeling. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 Feeling like you're losing your mind and that maybe what they did isn't so bad. Worrying that you're screwed up, that you'll never find a healthy relationship, never get over your ex, never love again. THIS!!! could've been my own words 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 resilience understanding perception the will to fight Ooh, I like that a lot. A positive approach. And so true too. Thanks for this Link to post Share on other sites
BelleisSad Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 [sIZE=2]Violenceis the “ability to impose one’s will on another personthrough theuse of verbal or nonverbal acts, or both . . . carried out withtheintention or perceived intention of inflicting physical orpsychologicalpain, injury, or suffering, or both”[/sIZE] I was tormented with this for 4 yrs of my young life from 17 until 21 . in many ways im happy its over but how he decide to deal with circumstances scared me but im happy bc I learnt the content of my character I believe its not until u get tested can you then only reveal your true character and im proud of who I am as a human being . I suffer from : clinical depression -- To be fair I was diagnosed with this from the age of 13 Severe inability to trust I find myself at times being verbally abusive and I stop and feel so much shame and self hate self hate intense rage shame that allowed myself to stay inability to accept compliments or recognise my own good quality's, there is always a negative voice in my head dire insecurity's wanting to be a perfectionist a loss of dignity a sense of violation on every level insomnia unabashed rage --outbursts of anger a sense of powerlessness memory loss Increased anxiety Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event nausea I am trying to seek help bc this is not me I feel like this is a psychosocial tumour a scar a remnant of a toxic and dark past I was in -- im making strides in the right directions but the pain lingers . Verbal abuse , physical and manipulation is equally as damaging as being hit by a car ! Stop cheating and end the relationship if your that unhappy nothing warrants or justifies what your choosing to do just to take the burden of your guilty off your chest . its not the partners fault its yours carry your own cross . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Long term effects make you feel isolated and withdrawn until you dig deep down and find that one shred of hope and strength to pull yourself out of the muck. The funny thing is, you never have a problem finding that strength in others and pointing it out to them to lift them up. So how why can't you do that for yourself? It's hard sometimes but you must look in the mirror and realize you've had that strength all along because you wouldn't be where you are if you didn't. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 The one thing that is really going to help me get past this is no longer living in the same place. I fear seeing her family, they all think I am crazy! I fear seeing her with someone else because it makes me feel like crap. I hate being out around town because all the people she cheated on me with know who I am but I have no idea who they are. Its awful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 -Increased my issues of mistrust -Distorted the way I see beauty -Lowered my self esteem -Changed the way I present myself to others from confident to insecure -Made me want to isolate myself -Caused me to question what is real and what is not, not only with him but in my life in general. -In general has caused me to feel like I'm "not good enough", when before this I was happy with who I was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 It's funny yet painful to see how many of us have the exact same outcome...isolation seems to be big with this issue. Honstly, I thought I was the only one isolating myself and feeling weird in contact with others! I still hav to learn how to be a friend and how to make friends like before...I noticed that insecurity brings with a tendancy to see friendships from a negative and defensive point of view...Also as if, I'm not funny enough or nice enough or interesting anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Isolation. I am isolated to a fair extent anyway as I have no family in the UK. I have isolated myself further though as friends I was close to before, while I was seeing and after I was seeing the guy I have pulled back from. I haven't told anyone what happened aside from posting bits on here really. I did tell one mutual friend but my ex ended up dating her. Her and I fell out when he wasn't giving her enough attention..whereas he gave me waaay too much of it. I fought every inch of his behaviour. Most of what he came out with was ridiculous! I told him so too but a day or so later he would pick on something new. When I read up about it he had 26 out of 31 (or something like that) signs of a violent physical abuser.. He had all of the traits of an emotional abuser and most of the traits of a verbal abuser too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
genuinelyloverly7 Posted September 11, 2014 Share Posted September 11, 2014 I've definitely become more sensitive to the red flags... But I feel like this has increased my social awkwardness. Now I can't tell if someone is hitting on me, and sometimes when they are even just being friendly I think I'm not understanding them correctly- a residual of gas-lighting, I figure. And because he never socialized, I hardly ever did either- even when I went out by myself, I felt obligated to not make friends that would take me away from him (I just kept wanting him to understand, so I spent all my time with him, hopin I would say the right thing and he would finally get it.) My motivation has gone- I can barely make myself take a shower some days, and yet I'm getting out to play soccer on a team, and goin to social gatherings every couple of months (I've always been a pretty self sufficient loner type). But my house is a wreck and I can't make myself care. My finances are a mess and I can barely give a $|*#. I'm an artist- I have no creative drive; I'm a health nut eating pizza at 1am... I have anger issues- I get extremely irritated with my pets and the state of my life, feeling like it's all my fault when something isn't the way it should be. I probably need to address that- even though yoga helps deal with it it I still have the original issues that ignite my fire, and I havent been motivated to actually go do it in a long time. I still remember the moment my heart broke, not just for having to leave him, but for the knowledge that love didn't conquer all. It wasn't enough. And I think until I can know, in my heart, that love can and does triumph, I will be unable to feel that feeling again, the rush of falling, the excitement of getting to know them and integrating your lives to work and laugh together, for as long as you can. Ironically, I can probably only 'know' it by falling in love. I can intellectually know it using people I know as proof. But that hasn't lit a flame for me to keep burning for that special someone, not yet. Probably more, but I'm having anger management issues from typing this on a stupid iPhone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 The worst thing recently is that now that I have such a great understanding of cheating and abusive behavior I can spot red flags so easily. Another question do you think that cheating is abusive? Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 The worst thing recently is that now that I have such a great understanding of cheating and abusive behavior I can spot red flags so easily. Another question do you think that cheating is abusive? I think so to a degree because its humiliating for the one being cheated on it also takes away their right to choose what happens in their life relashionship wise.. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 I was horribly mentality and emotionally abused as a kid by my own mother for years that left me ill suited to deal with adult life for a very long time cause while I had grown up fast it was not in a healthy nurtured way that plus sexual abuse by a very close family member..led me to seek out similarly abusive relationships later in life mentality and finally physically when I lived with a raging crazy alcoholic for many years.. While im no longer in such relashionships its left me detached and extremely untrusting even to the point of paranoia at times. I cannot deal with social situations well at all so prefer one on one contact I am extremely jumpy and jittery at times..and I suffer from extreme depression and mood swings..not to mention the physical scars that will never heal.. Link to post Share on other sites
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