An adult child's obligation to their parents

[MissTrudy]

I was talking to my mom today and somehow we got on the subject of adult children taking care of their parents financially. She mentioned how her mother, my grandmother, was a little upset when my uncle (my mom's younger brother) did not help her out after he graduated from college. My grandmother raised 6 kids virtually by herself, and she did it working many jobs. Only two of my mom's siblings (her younger sister and her brother) went to college and both of them are pretty successful, but my uncle (who is the oldest male in the family) hasn't ever really helped my grandma now that I think about it. I don't know who helped pay for my uncle's college education, this all happened like 30 years ago and fortunately my grandmother and uncle are still really close even if he hasn't provided monetary support to her. She is a self-reliant woman and has never asked any of her kids for help. I think what she means, though, is that he has a lot of money and could give her some nice things, nice trips, and other things she doesn't have, but he chooses not to for whatever reason.I know that other relatives resent him over his cheapness towards his mom.

 

My mom brought this up because she thought my grandmother was asking too much, that you can't expect kids to take care of you and you need to be self-reliant. This stands in stark contrast to how my mom's sisters feel about children; two of my (childless) aunts always tells me that I better take care of my mom when I get older, etc. I'd like to note that my mom helps my grandmother a lot, and she is one of the primary caregivers for my sick grandfather. She definitely supports her parents emotionally and physically, if not financially (she doesn't have the financial means to do so, and again, my grandparents never ask her or any of her siblings for financial help).

 

I am curious as to what other people think about this subject? What obligations, if any, do children have to parents as both get older?

[newmoon]

i think you have an obligation as a human being to care for another person when they are sick or ill and in need of support, and if that happens to be a parent then the obligation becomes more meaningful. understandably there are rifts in families and dynamics that make it impossible for some children to "give back" to a parent, but in essence that is what a child should do - give back. you're repaying them for the love, support, and kindness they have given you through your life, which usually extends forever. once a parent, always a parent. it doesn't have to be financial, but some people give that way because they are not geographically close to a parent, i think that plays into it as well, as does the personality of the individual, or siblings. i also think mothers and fathers *know* which child will be there for them and which will not, so they probably already know who would look after them. it's not required for any child to take care of a parent, people shouldn't have kids hoping that in the end they will have support in their old age, you cannot count on that as fact. but it's something we all should do - at least for parents who were in our lives and supported us. it can be financial or not, but most parents i know balk at taking money from their kids anyway.

[pink_sugar]

My dad thinks I am obligated to him, even though he is far from old. He thinks he always should be the priority. In my opinion, you are not obligated to your parents. They chose to have kids. You're not indebted to them forever just because you are related. Just like once you're 18, you're on your own. I think if your parents have always been good to you, then yes, you should try and do what you can to help if it's reasonable, but remember it's okay to have limits and boundaries to lead your own life. My dad thinks I am indebted to him just because he "raised me", though he made minimal efforts and still treats me like crap.

[todreaminblue]

I feel there are too many elderly who live like they are forgotten in nursing homes.......they look hopefully out the windows waiting for their beloveds to turn up who never do......they say things like yes my son is coming to pick me up soon......it used to be children would look after their elderly....it has changed and i think to the detriment of society that it has changed.....some cultures maintain this ideal of caring for their parents......one thing that i love about my church is the people who have faith and follow principals of compassion and care...... care for the elderly being a concern and a passion for many .......they have genuine desire to make sure no one is forgotten or left behind or suffers through loneliness and uncaring attitudes.......however little they can make a difference like mowing a lawn or two or visiting the elderly in homes..they do it.....i admire and am proud to be a member of such a church.....that considers all people to be of importance even when they ......find it hard to hear....or see.....or walk like toddler penguins.........they all matter....

 

 

 

.elderly spirits are just as vibrant as young spirits...elderly hearts are in need of love as much as children's hearts are...we are all children really..you dont stop being a parent just as much as you never stop being a child who needs to be shown care and compassion........yes ....i am passionate about this....life doesnt cease to exist ....because you lock a life in an old persons home with a nurse and a catheter and vitamised food(i never knew what vitamised food was till i tried to eat a plate of vitamised food.....it sucks....)....we are all held responsible by a higher loving power.....to care .......and to be there always for those we profess to love..........deb

[Tayla]

Deb...your post touched my heart.

 

Thank you so much for expressing it in a gentle manner.

 

I am the last of my family generation that carries the message to take care of family in the aging years. My brothers and nieces, nephews, are very much of the mindset to stuff the aging in a nursing home and call it a day. Sadly even my sons consider it a burden for when I grow to old to tend to myself proper.

In Other cultures there is reverence for the elders, It is sad and insulting that in this modern world we lost the regard to respect our elders. They deserve comfort and not thru a stranger....It's a struggle sometimes to know that with modern ideas a greater loss of family support is being eroded. I'm thankfull every day that I got to tend to my mom and see her leave this world in the way of family care. Miss her dearly and wish folks would understand the honor it was to have been there. I may have not done it saintly yet I did it with the love of a daughter.

[todreaminblue]

the eternal poem

 

 

 

she sat in the middle sad small face, large eyes,

she sat as if alone yet there was another by her side,

wrinkled face, friendly smile, kindly face,

full of stories, laughs and tears that time cannot erase,

who sat by another in a metal chair,

how can people look and then pretend they do not care,

nurses mill about a friendly pat , a loving caress,

who cares for the elderly that the lord did bless,

who takes them to see the animals..or a ferry ride..or a picnic in the park,

who remembers how many childrens hands they held,when day did turn to dark

who remembers the post man of old, the dancer of gold, the singer who always sung.

who remembers all the joy they brung......

how many hands have they held to cross a road,

who will hold theirs who will it be who lighten their heavy load,

and so she sits in the middle sad small face, large eyes

she sits as if alone, with another by her side........deborah

[todreaminblue]

Deb...your post touched my heart.

 

Thank you so much for expressing it in a gentle manner.

 

I am the last of my family generation that carries the message to take care of family in the aging years. My brothers and nieces, nephews, are very much of the mindset to stuff the aging in a nursing home and call it a day. Sadly even my sons consider it a burden for when I grow to old to tend to myself proper.

In Other cultures there is reverence for the elders, It is sad and insulting that in this modern world we lost the regard to respect our elders. They deserve comfort and not thru a stranger....It's a struggle sometimes to know that with modern ideas a greater loss of family support is being eroded. I'm thankfull every day that I got to tend to my mom and see her leave this world in the way of family care. Miss her dearly and wish folks would understand the honor it was to have been there. I may have not done it saintly yet I did it with the love of a daughter.

 

 

you cared for your mum with the greatest gift you could give tayla ....love..the love of a true daughter......love for familia is eternal and she is smiling at you from beyond the veil...she will be there to take your hand again and welcome you home when it is your turn...it is a temporary goodbye..for your mum and you.....smilin atcha......i have problems with missing people too....but my grandpa came to me in a dream the night he died and told em never to worry....(he knew i am a worry wart of course so much so my hair goes grey has since i was little)...and told me i should never worry and he would see me soon...i guess soon is relative on the other side......a passing of moments fro them years for us ...maybe ...i dont know......he was restored tayla and he died with cancer horribly......he was skeletal .....sick...frail..pale .........when i saw him in my dream he was younger vital shining full head of lustrous black hair.....his smile....radiant

 

 

believe me ....trust me...i dont lie .........your mum waits for you and your true heart to come home..she will hold your hand again to cross that veiled road...as you will beholding hers all the way........huge hugs from me to you......deb

[Tayla]

Thank you Deb for the poem and for the lovely memory you shared of your grandfather. You speak well on this subject. It takes one who has trodden the path to understand the gift in the process. I personally think my mom is gonna go- "what were you thinking singing to me during my last moments! You know we never could hold a note! " Then we'd laugh....

 

 

To the OP- After reading some responses, maybe some folks simply arent capable of tending or going beyond themselves. The Bitterness blocks them.

Yet for those of us who's parents gave us life and taught us lessons....they deserve the right to have a loving family member there to see them during the golden years if they so wish.

[Leigh 87]

As far as I'm concerned, my future salary after I graduate from college is not just mine, but money to take care of my parents too.

 

They both work and have the means to take care of themselves for the time being, however, that can all change and both my parents know that I'll be there to care for them and organise their lives for them once they aren't capable of doing so due to old age. And yes that means financially.

 

If my parents went out to lunch with me I'd absolutely insist on paying once I have a decently paid job!

 

Kids that don't look after their parents are just plain sociopathic. Not much empathy to be seen with these types.

[Disillusioned]

Things are different when you have a parent who's selfish, spoiled, and has a mental age of 12---that was my grandmother. For the last 8 years of her life, that woman put my mother through pure hell and ran her ragged.

 

She had my mother trained to jump at her every squawk... this was because Granny grew old with this crazy idea that she'd magically be living the Life of Riley once she hit retirement age, with servants and flunkies available to wait on her hand and foot.

 

My grandmother's spoiled selfishness no doubt played a role in my mother's cancer. After the old witch finally croaked (heaven didn't want her and hell was afraid she'd take over), my mother only got 2 and a half months of peace before she died---her body was shot, a result of her spoiled mother having stressed her out.

 

My grandmother was one of those few who truly deserved to be put in a nursing home, but that didn't happen because my mother felt sorry for her.

[jonsnuh]

With my parents, I've found it pointless to bind oneself to moral or filial obligation to the family. I've told and done what I've could for my parents to seek a healthier lifestyle and not overexert themselves. They think of me and my sister as a safety net, so that we have to take care of their ailments as they get older.

 

But they brought this on themselves! Diet and exercise, they've ignored. And what will result from their foolishness? They expect me to pay for their treatments, to spend time with them and to take care of them.

 

This is why I likely will not have children, and being independent is key. I am not afraid of dying young, nor do I think the sins of the previous generation should be the burdens of the younger generation. However, this is the system that we have been born into-- debt, an unsustainable pension system, environmental consequences, inflation... the list goes on.

 

I'm sick of it.