I feel i am a failure and lost my chance

[YelloJane]

For those who have not read my previous posts short story My husband kicked me out of the house not for unfaithfulness or anything we had a horrible fight out of the many and this was it, he wants to do what he wants to do. He was abusive physically and emotionally and now he is the most civil ever. His mom gave me her back when i have nothing, i told her how he threw the dog and how everything was and how i had to fly back home with nothing etc and she just took it as more information to provide her son. I honestly feel terrible, I believed so strongly in marriage and life partnership and i feel like such a failure because my marriage did not work out even though he numerously kicked me out. I feel i will never find someone, i feel so bad i believed in marriage so strongly forever after and i feel like a looser that my marriage did not work out. My grandmother tells me it is a blessing and why have that in my life anyway he won't ever change.

 

I am really depressed, he wants to rip the benefits of been married military he gets paid more money so no divorce yet and he kept my car and i know he won't ship it or anything. He tells me we are divorced in mind and heart that a piece of paper doesn't mean anything. It does to me because legally we are still married and it feels wrong, i mean if i were to date i would have to tell them am married and they won't understand and run off. I know i was not happy, he cared more about himself and looking good in front of others and having me just there. I hated my life, but i still feel like a failure and i know his mom laughs at me, i shouldn't have told her anything, his dad knew all along about our separation and his mom lied to me said she didn't but then said that my husband spoke with his dad. They are all liars and toxic abusive people.

 

I need help i want to get out of this but how, i tried applying for jobs i have no car and everything is so far i feel helpless and so alone. i honestly feel horrible. I even thought about therapy but i don't even know how that works, would my primary doctor refer me to someone i don't know anything other than i luckily still have health benefits. I just fear that going to see someone may affect the divorce and be on his favor or something.

 

I feel terrible depressed and i don't know how to get out of this. I feel like such a looser that my marriage failed, he is a bad person and i hate him truthfully because i was just there i placed every single thing i had on hold and let go of it all to be with him and i got so screwed in the process of been a loyal supportive wife who truly cared and tried i really tried but i was miserable when he didn't try back.

i feel i lost my one chance at a happy life, kids, marriage, i feel i should have just stayed quiet smile done what he wanted moved it along maybe things would have been better.

[bathtub-row]

Jane, you just don't see it but you have the typical mindset of someone who has been seriously abused. He has beaten you down and you feel that life will never be right. The truth is, your life has just begun and you now actually have a shot at having a life without this idiot in it. As long as you don't ever get involved with another guy like this as long as you live.

 

There is nothing - and I emphasize that word - NOTHING you could have done to make that marriage work. Please do not be so naive as to think that just because you believe in marriage that you somehow magically control how someone else behaves. Your husband is a monster and you should walk away with your head held high because you are by far the better person here. There is no magic pill that will fix this horrible person.

 

Can you call your parents for them to send you money? Maybe you can take a bus to their house. Do you have a credit or debit card? Did you and your husband have a joint checking account? If so, go to the bank in the morning and withdraw half of it.

 

Is your dog with you?

 

Btw, your dumb butt husband has NO say as to when or how you divorce him. I think someone mentioned this to you more than once in other posts.

[YelloJane]

Jane, you just don't see it but you have the typical mindset of someone who has been seriously abused. He has beaten you down and you feel that life will never be right. The truth is, your life has just begun and you now actually have a shot at having a life without this idiot in it. As long as you don't ever get involved with another guy like this as long as you live.

 

There is nothing - and I emphasize that word - NOTHING you could have done to make that marriage work. Please do not be so naive as to think that just because you believe in marriage that you somehow magically control how someone else behaves. Your husband is a monster and you should walk away with your head held high because you are by far the better person here. There is no magic pill that will fix this horrible person.

 

Can you call your parents for them to send you money? Maybe you can take a bus to their house. Do you have a credit or debit card? Did you and your husband have a joint checking account? If so, go to the bank in the morning and withdraw half of it.

 

Is your dog with you?

 

Btw, your dumb butt husband has NO say as to when or how you divorce him. I think someone mentioned this to you more than once in other posts.

 

i am currently living at my parents they can't help me financially but I am forever grateful to have a roof over my head, yes the dog is with me as well. We do have a joint account and I have been using it, he tells me not to make large payments on it only for small stuff and as for my cards to pay the minimum and he says pretty much while we are married he can help me out that way. I just can't rely too much that he won't cut me off he already changed the bank information once. I am just amazed how his mom after I told her everything I went through ignored me and didn't even call me once to see how I was doing. I know she just kept him informed of the things I told her I feel like the laughing joke of that family. I shouldn't even care about his family not giving a crap but I do i would think they wouldn't cover him and they do.

 

bathtub thank you for putting everything in perspective he is abusive and although he acts victim I know who he really is and this is the best thing that could have happened to me it will just take a while to get used to been alone. It just bothers so much how his mom covers for his actions and it's so scary how his parents gave me the cold shoulder after everything I told them that happened. He is abusive and manipulative and they know that i can't believe it, that hurts. I told my mother in law the reason why the dog is with me is because he threw him and hurt him, I told her today is the dog tomorrow it will be me. Yet she didn't even call me ever to even say how am I or how is everything going. I know she emailed him giving him information on me and the conversation we had. These people are so toxic and sick.

 

I will try to see if I can file for divorce next month or the month after as I know he will cut me regardless. I wonder if he will have to support me even though we will only be 2 years married until I am able to find a job? I have nothing.

Edited September 2, 2014 by YelloJane

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Military... and abusive... Gosh, just get your head on straight and put up a fight. I don't think he will lay down and take it from you.

 

Look to get a divorce ASAP. There is no way your going to stay with him unscathed.

 

Best to start a new... give yourself time to lay it all a rest once you have become stable on your own or with family or friends.

 

He may feel bad or want to start over. But I worked with a few military men that finished their tours. They come back a mess, drink too much, have emotional issues and are not the same as they once were. Aggression seems to be their way of communicating. Not that they loose the ability, but wee actions that are aggressive. Like chucking a beer at the wall before saying what they feel.

 

Women in general are not prepared to assist or properly confront such issues. Usually they think it is all their fault, become submissive, and end up being a punching bag of sorts.

 

You may stay as friends but you must realize your heath and well being is more important than relying on marriage or your love for anyone. Love yourself first and foremost and you will see it through.

[YelloJane]

Military... and abusive... Gosh, just get your head on straight and put up a fight. I don't think he will lay down and take it from you.

 

Look to get a divorce ASAP. There is no way your going to stay with him unscathed.

 

Best to start a new... give yourself time to lay it all a rest once you have become stable on your own or with family or friends.

 

He may feel bad or want to start over. But I worked with a few military men that finished their tours. They come back a mess, drink too much, have emotional issues and are not the same as they once were. Aggression seems to be their way of communicating. Not that they loose the ability, but wee actions that are aggressive. Like chucking a beer at the wall before saying what they feel.

 

Women in general are not prepared to assist or properly confront such issues. Usually they think it is all their fault, become submissive, and end up being a punching bag of sorts.

 

You may stay as friends but you must realize your heath and well being is more important than relying on marriage or your love for anyone. Love yourself first and foremost and you will see it through.

 

that's the thing he doesn't do crazy tours his job is an easy Monday to Friday desk job in the military that involves sitting in front of a computer from 9 to 5. He doesn't deal with having to do anything crazy he is just a Jerk by nature, his dad is an alcoholic and you would think his mom would at least be a little understanding of me and she didn't care of the crap her son put me through even after she experienced abuse herself from her husband I guess like father like son.

 

I feel so numb and empty I just don't know how to get out of this. I want to cry but no tears come out, I can't even cry or shed a tear for everything that is happening to me, it's so strange. it hurts like hell and i am regardless heartbroken but I can't even cry anymore.

Edited September 2, 2014 by YelloJane

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

that's the thing he doesn't do crazy tours his job is an easy Monday to Friday desk job in the military that involves sitting in front of a computer from 9 to 5. He doesn't deal with having to do anything crazy he is just a Jerk by nature, his dad is an alcoholic and you would think his mom would at least be a little understanding of me and she didn't care of the crap her son put me through even after she experienced abuse herself from her husband I guess like father like son.

 

I feel so numb and empty I just don't know how to get out of this.

 

Your hurt and numbness is from broken trust, and being scared.

 

Don't think any of this is your fault, it is a lack of communication from him in his feelings. You need to keep away as much as you can. To allow you to clear up and feel free of being needy for him. I know love will tug at you but if you both love each other, you both would want the best for each other, including yourself.

 

Seeing him angry just hurts more and more. Wait for him to be calm and collected before talking. There will be a lot of words that will hurt and need not be heard if you talk too soon. Have his mom be a go between. If he comes in and out of the residence you are staying and upsetting you, you can have a court order of restraint put on him. It is bad enough to have your marriage tearing apart, but to go through even more abuse after separation is even worse for you and your well being.

 

If you have a friend or family member you can go to, I think getting away for at least a week will be best.

[YelloJane]

Your hurt and numbness is from broken trust, and being scared.

 

Don't think any of this is your fault, it is a lack of communication from him in his feelings. You need to keep away as much as you can. To allow you to clear up and feel free of being needy for him. I know love will tug at you but if you both love each other, you both would want the best for each other, including yourself.

 

Seeing him angry just hurts more and more. Wait for him to be calm and collected before talking. There will be a lot of words that will hurt and need not be heard if you talk too soon. Have his mom be a go between. If he comes in and out of the residence you are staying and upsetting you, you can have a court order of restraint put on him. It is bad enough to have your marriage tearing apart, but to go through even more abuse after separation is even worse for you and your well being.

 

If you have a friend or family member you can go to, I think getting away for at least a week will be best.

 

we no longer live together he kicked me out of base housing and forced me to buy a flight ticket back to the states we lived overseas, i am with my parents now he moved out of base housing and is living off with the money the give you as married and rented a huge house for himself would I need his physical new address for divorce or not really?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

we no longer live together he kicked me out of base housing and forced me to buy a flight ticket back to the states we lived overseas, i am with my parents now he moved out of base housing and is living off with the money the give you as married and rented a huge house for himself would I need his physical new address for divorce or not really?

 

I do believe so... never divorced, but any Attorney can tell you in free concultation.

 

Some states are different than others with alimony and child support. For example California, child support can be pulled from ex no matter what state they live in. Including back unpaid support. My dad owes 18 years but I never bothered and care less.

[KarlaB]

Jane I think we all go through the stages of feeling broken, depressed, anger.. Right now for me it depends on the min of the day. Right now anger is building in me because my H is stomping on my heart, purposefully, which I never thought he would ever do. My heart literately aches.

 

The right job will come along for you just don't give up trying.. ever!

[YelloJane]

Jane I think we all go through the stages of feeling broken, depressed, anger.. Right now for me it depends on the min of the day. Right now anger is building in me because my H is stomping on my heart, purposefully, which I never thought he would ever do. My heart literately aches.

 

The right job will come along for you just don't give up trying.. ever!

 

I can relate to how you feel karla, i am more depressed than angry, i don't feel angry i guess i accept how things turned out because i know a lifetime with him would bring misery and heartache and it is strange that i dont even cry i guess i just know life will be better off without him he hasn't changed in 9 years and 2 of marriage i just know he will never change and i just don't want to be at war all my life, i just feel like never getting married again i feel like my one shot happened and didn't work and that was that. I am trying to pick myself up from this and part of me feels stronger but still so hurt. Specially how his mom overlooked all the abuse i received from her son after she has been abused by her own husband its like she stabbed me with a knife. But i just have to ignore all of them they are meaningless in my life. It takes a while but i cant help but feel a failure because my marriage is over, i also feel i will never find another who will be a great fit for me. I don't want to settle but i feel i am getting older and running out of time even if i am just 26.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I can relate to how you feel karla, i am more depressed than angry, i don't feel angry i guess i accept how things turned out because i know a lifetime with him would bring misery and heartache and it is strange that i dont even cry i guess i just know life will be better off without him he hasn't changed in 9 years and 2 of marriage i just know he will never change and i just don't want to be at war all my life, i just feel like never getting married again i feel like my one shot happened and didn't work and that was that. I am trying to pick myself up from this and part of me feels stronger but still so hurt. Specially how his mom overlooked all the abuse i received from her son after she has been abused by her own husband its like she stabbed me with a knife. But i just have to ignore all of them they are meaningless in my life. It takes a while but i cant help but feel a failure because my marriage is over, i also feel i will never find another who will be a great fit for me. I don't want to settle but i feel i am getting older and running out of time even if i am just 26.

 

never say never... 26 is plenty young, so pull your life together and start fresh again. i did not find someone that understands me until i stumbled upon them. before i knew it, all my past issues melted away and we are closest friends and share similar passions. i gave up without ever trying and my first relationship was at 30. You can have a full life no matter what age your at.

[KarlaB]

I can relate to how you feel karla, i am more depressed than angry, i don't feel angry i guess i accept how things turned out because i know a lifetime with him would bring misery and heartache and it is strange that i dont even cry i guess i just know life will be better off without him he hasn't changed in 9 years and 2 of marriage i just know he will never change and i just don't want to be at war all my life, i just feel like never getting married again i feel like my one shot happened and didn't work and that was that. I am trying to pick myself up from this and part of me feels stronger but still so hurt. Specially how his mom overlooked all the abuse i received from her son after she has been abused by her own husband its like she stabbed me with a knife. But i just have to ignore all of them they are meaningless in my life. It takes a while but i cant help but feel a failure because my marriage is over, i also feel i will never find another who will be a great fit for me. I don't want to settle but i feel i am getting older and running out of time even if i am just 26.

 

26 is young you still have plenty of time to live life.. For me I am 41 and was married 15 years so I get the feeling about running out of time but you have time to get it together and live a long happy life. Don't sell yourself short!

[bathtub-row]

Jane, it's normal to feel that way after a relationship ends. We think we'll never meet anyone ever again, that we're too old, and too broken. But we've all seen this enough times to know it isn't true. You are so very young with so much opportunity, you just can't see it yet.

 

I'm glad you're with your parents and back in your homeland. You've mentioned his mother several times so I can tell that situation really bothers you. I guess the only things I can say about that is that, first of all, that whole family is entrenched in abuse so it's somewhat normal to them. To talk to any of them about the evils of abuse is like talking to a brick wall. It just isn't going to sink in. The other thing is, even if she picked up the phone and chewed her son up one end and down the other about how he treated you and the dog, you'd never hear about it because it would mean, in her mind, betraying her son. My thoughts about that, though, are that his mother is abused by her husband and her son and she wouldn't dream of rocking the boat. They have some very twisted dynamics going on between them and you're better off getting out of it. In his mother's heart, though, she knew that what you said was true, and she's probably envious of you because you got away.

 

There are some very good men out there and you can definitely find one. Just don't let yourself get into a relationship like this again. When you meet a guy, don't just assume he's great. Spend time with him without hopping in the sack with him too quickly. Just sit back and observe him. A good man will not get angry with you for being cautious, an abusive one will. Make sure he's a quality guy before you allow him into your life. If you do those things, you'll be fine.

 

I hope you're doing ok. You're in my thoughts.

Edited September 6, 2014 by bathtub-row

[YelloJane]

26 is young you still have plenty of time to live life.. For me I am 41 and was married 15 years so I get the feeling about running out of time but you have time to get it together and live a long happy life. Don't sell yourself short!

Thanks so much Karla, i need to stop overthinking it, i just have to let time do its thing and whatever will be will be i have to stop worrying so much.

 

Jane, it's normal to feel that way after a relationship ends. We think we'll never meet anyone ever again, that we're too old, and too broken. But we've all seen this enough times to know it isn't true. You are so very young with so much opportunity, you just can't see it yet.

 

I'm glad you're with your parents and back in your homeland. You've mentioned his mother several times so I can tell that situation really bothers you. I guess the only things I can say about that is that, first of all, that whole family is entrenched in abuse so it's somewhat normal to them. To talk to any of them about the evils of abuse is like talking to a brick wall. It just isn't going to sink in. The other thing is, even if she picked up the phone and chewed her son up one end and down the other about how he treated you and the dog, you'd never hear about it because it would mean, in her mind, betraying her son. My thoughts about that, though, are that his mother is abused by her husband and her son and she wouldn't dream of rocking the boat. They have some very twisted dynamics going on between them and you're better off getting out of it. In his mother's heart, though, she knew that what you said was true, and she's probably envious of you because you got away.

 

There are some very good men out there and you can definitely find one. Just don't let yourself get into a relationship like this again. When you meet a guy, don't just assume he's great. Spend time with him without hopping in the sack with him too quickly. Just sit back and observe him. A good man will not get angry with you for being cautious, an abusive one will. Make sure he's a quality guy before you allow him into your life. If you do those things, you'll be fine.

 

I hope you're doing ok. You're in my thoughts.

 

bathtub, great advice! you really described the situation of my mother in law perfectly and crystal clear, it sure made me feel so much better, you really made me see things clearer i specially agree with the last part about getting to know them and not going to bed with them so soon, personally the only person i have been with is my now husband last guy i met ended communication i refused to sleep with him upon meeting the first day i am just not that type of girl and i know they get that a lot but i really am not i have only had one sex partner and this separation/divorce deal isn't going to make me change my values either, i feel like that is the expectation of most guys now sex equals getting to know you, i guess i will be alone and single for a long time because im not that easy to just get in bed.

 

The only thing this separation has done is increase my expectations in what i want and how to make myself happy and to not take abuse from anyone not once because we always deserve better and should not settle just because we are lonely and they are available. I really appreciate your advice it really placed things in perspective for me and it encourages me to get up and work harder in life.