Chronic avoider spouse, no sex, joint divorce?

[jakrbbt]

I can't help it guys, I really really reallllllly want my husband to agree that we should get a divorce, and that we should do it in the least destructive way possible for both of us and our 1-yr-old son.

 

But my husband avoids every discussion-- about marriage, problems, divorce. Not that I don't understand wanting to avoid unpleasant topics. But it is to the point of absurdness now. We've been in weekly counseling for over 2 years, and still, whenever an issue comes up, husband says we cannot discuss it "right now." Or if he has an issue, he does a drive-by comment and then tells me not to respond. If he says "we can't discuss it now," I will say, "OK, let's talk about it later when you have time." "OK," he has said each time. Sometimes it is more specific: "OK, tomorrow at seven."

 

We have followed through, by having the said discussions, zero times. Some problems can certainly be let go.

 

But there are some that I can't live with unresolved.

 

For instance: His chronic unemployment, and lack of any plan to work. The fact that we sleep in separate rooms and I am lonely (and probably he is too). Manipulative in-law behavior. OK, maybe things won't be solved right away, but I can't just live indefinitely with those issues and be repeatedly told that we cannot even try to address them. Especially while I am supporting him and doing the bulk of chores and toddler care while he pursues his many hobbies.

 

I feel as though H wants to go fifteen, twenty years, always punting our very real problems by saying "We can't talk about that now babe."

 

Same with divorce. He must know it's imminent, I've told him I want a divorce and we have both said that we are unhappy.

 

H has claimed the master bedroom both at this house and our last house. He sets up his bed and dresser in there, takes over the double-sink master bath, and as politely as he can, he kicks me out each night when he goes to bed for his 10-12 hours of sleep. Baby and I are in the spare room downstairs. No s*x, and we both had a fantastic sex drive before. I am (sorry this sounds conceited) very good-looking I'm aware, H is quite attractive even though not keeping up on his health, I'm not too picky about a bit of chub on a gorgeous man. Both adventurous in the bedroom. Or were.

 

The sex strike started just after he lost a job 3 years ago. I thought it was temporary. The year I got pregnant, we'd had sex about 6 times all year. Looking back, I ought to have realized there was a red flag. But I figured the troubles were temporary depression due to his job loss. (The possibility of depression is something he is especially clear on--very unwilling to discuss it. Fair enough, who am I to diagnose him, and you can't force someone to get examined and treated anyway.)

 

We've tried to deal with this in marriage counseling, but the counselors simply give us tools for discussing the issues at home. Which we then do not do. For years.

 

Anyway, if you are not sleeping together for YEARS, and you are not compatible and you are both miserable, and you've tried counseling for a long time, seems you would not be surprised when one spouse presents you with a proposed joint petition for divorce--especially after she'd mentioned divorce a few times. Right? The last time I tried to mention divorce, he actually shouted interruptions at me and quickly left the house.

 

If he ignores the possibility, then he will be left with nowhere to live and no job and no plan when we get divorced. But I think that all I can do about that is, tell him one more time that I would like to divorce. I will tell him during counseling next week. If he doesn't deal with the impending future on his end, I can't control that. I'd like him to have plenty of time with our son and I'd like that not to be too complicated. But I can't exactly set up his new divorced dad life for him.

 

I still want any input out there, on how to present husband like mine with a joint divorce proposal and get a settlement worked out without anyone getting all scared and doing anything drastic. Without just having a service processor slap some papers down in front of him. I'd like to keep the custody mediation amicable and keep the attorney fees at a minimum, which won't happen if he's taken by surprise and scared.

 

If you have commented on another thread of mine, I may have to hear you say a thing twice. And I do hope you'll forgive me for that. This ****e is hard!!! I want to know whether I can do this, and if so, then WHY.

Edited September 2, 2014 by jakrbbt

[PegNosePete]

You're not his mother. Stop acting like you are. Get your bed back. If he wants to sleep separately then let him choose where to go.

 

You can't control his behaviour. You can only react to it. You can simply tell him that you want a divorce and if he does not co-operate by signing the papers by X date then you will be filing on a non-joint basis (or whatever the proper term is in your jurisdiction). Then wait til X and do it.

 

Seems like it's time to put your foot down (maybe for the first time!!).

[HPrynne]

Stop trying to discuss things with him and come to an agreement - that is clearly hopeless at the moment (and possibly forever). Instead, figure out what you think the best thing is to do. Then, provided you don't think he'll maliciously use the information against you, tell him what you are doing, and then promptly follow through and do it. It will become very clear to him that he must either engage with you, or you will simply do what you want to do and he will have to live with it.

 

This may result in some things not going quite the way you would have hoped. You have to be ready to accept the consequences of lack of cooperation on his part. But, once you're out of the situation, the only thing you'll regret is that you didn't act sooner.

 

You can do it. Decide what you want and think is best, tell him what you are going to do, and do it. You will feel so much better, even if things get harder for a while before they get easier again.

[bathtub-row]

Geez, why on earth would you want to have sex with this guy, anyway?

 

Look, I say this all the time but I'll say it again -- the beauty of divorce is that you don't have to get your spouse's permission. You're creating your own problems with this idea of keeping it amicable. Get over it, ok? Women constantly do this nicey thing, almost always to their detriment. Who cares if it's a nice divorce or not? All you can do is be amicable on your end. It's his choice as to how he chooses to behave. So far, I have to ask what is he doing that's even close to amicable. He's a total avoider and manipulator. Stop letting him manipulate you with his childish and selfish behavior.

 

If you think that the therapy and attempted conversations weren't enough warning (because apparently if he pretends he doesn't get it, you believe that), then shoot him a quick email: "Dear ---, since you refuse to listen when I talk to you about this, I'm sending you this quick notification. I will be filing for divorce. Just wanted to let you know."

 

Your future ex knows that when you divorce him, he will no longer have rights to that house (or master bedroom). So he shouts and interrupts and puts off and avoids in every way he can, and you keep buying into it.

 

And btw, you're wasting your money on therapy. Something like this should've been resolved a long time ago. So, stop wasting your time on this ridiculous man and on the ridiculous therapist. Put your money and time into a divorce attorney and watch the wheels of change go into motion.

[KarlaB]

Jak... me and H have been in separate rooms for YEARS!! While I think it started out for one reason it has become another. While I do have a low sex drive (at least I do with him and maybe that is the reason) he wants sex but really why would I? I mean we barely talk, we are not sleeping in the same bed, and most of the time we are doing our own things in different rooms of the house. Even though H said he wanted the divorce, I am no good in limbo land, so I am doing the leg work to make this happy. I too thought by losing him I would not make it. But I have a decent job and family around me to help so I know I will be just fine. If he doesn't want to talk to you about, just go file. Take the first step.

[stillafool]

I still want any input out there, on how to present husband like mine

with a joint divorce proposal and get a settlement worked out without anyone

getting all scared and doing anything drastic. Without just having a service

processor slap some papers down in front of him. I'd like to keep the custody

mediation amicable and keep the attorney fees at a minimum, which won't happen

if he's taken by surprise and scared.

 

All you can do is file for divorce. You cannot control anyones fear or anxiety. I agree PegNosePete, you are acting more like his mother than a wife. Just have the processor slap the papers down in front of him if that's the only way you can get the divorce. Let him grow up! It's his responsibility to make time to see his son not yours.

[Mr. Lucky]

H has claimed the master bedroom both at this house and our last house. He sets up his bed and dresser in there, takes over the double-sink master bath, and as politely as he can, he kicks me out each night when he goes to bed for his 10-12 hours of sleep. Baby and I are in the spare room downstairs. No s*x, and we both had a fantastic sex drive before. I am (sorry this sounds conceited) very good-looking I'm aware, H is quite attractive even though not keeping up on his health, I'm not too picky about a bit of chub on a gorgeous man. Both adventurous in the bedroom. Or were.

 

The sex strike started just after he lost a job 3 years ago. I thought it was temporary. The year I got pregnant, we'd had sex about 6 times all year. Looking back, I ought to have realized there was a red flag. But I figured the troubles were temporary depression due to his job loss. (The possibility of depression is something he is especially clear on--very unwilling to discuss it. Fair enough, who am I to diagnose him, and you can't force someone to get examined and treated anyway.)

 

We've tried to deal with this in marriage counseling, but the counselors simply give us tools for discussing the issues at home. Which we then do not do. For years.

 

Anyway, if you are not sleeping together for YEARS, and you are not compatible and you are both miserable, and you've tried counseling for a long time, seems you would not be surprised when one spouse presents you with a proposed joint petition for divorce--especially after she'd mentioned divorce a few times. Right? The last time I tried to mention divorce, he actually shouted interruptions at me and quickly left the house.

While you're obsessing over his wants, needs and circumstances, sounds like he could give a sh*t about yours.

 

The question isn't why you'd want to divorce him, it's why you didn't do it years ago ?

 

Surely you can't feel that this is what you and your child deserve?

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

In reading some of your past posts I see that you have been to law school. Surely you know enough about the law to get this done asap.

[KarlaB]

To add to this.. my son is 7 and I firmly believe that he is better from a happy broken home than a miserable one together. Now if I could get my heart and head to match that I would be so much better off.

[Turtles]

Jak, I remember your comment on my thread, it seems like we are in the same boat. Depression obviously comes to mind but how do you force someone to get treatment! I don't really have any helpful advice to give beyond a virtual hug. Since you have law experience I am sure you are well aware of how long and costly a contested divorce can get so I think you are smart to try and not ram things through no matter what. Just a thought - is it possible for you to fill the petition and leave it for him to review and sign? He probably won't do anything with it by himself but maybe that would make him see the reality of the situation and be more willing to talk with you about it?

[oldshirt]

Discussion hasn't gotten you anywhere so far and he hasn't lifted a finger to do anything himself so why do you think you can talk him into doing the legwork and lifting of a divorce??????

 

A divorce will clearly be to his detriment since you are supporting him and providing him a roof over his head so why on earth do you think you will say some magic phrase that will make him wake up early one day and head down to the lawyers office to do the paperwork then come home and start packing up the house and dividing everything into two tidy piles of boxes?????

 

You are being unrealistic here. If you want a divorce, you are going to have to that like you have with everything else in your marriage - on your own.

 

As was mentioned before, divorce does not require mutual consent and effort. Only one person can make it happen.

[Yasuandio]

"Chronic Avoider Spouse?"

 

Yas

[jakrbbt]

Thank you, everyone, really. I now have an appointment with my attorney for Friday afternoon, so that I can fill out the joint petition and/or the sole petition in case h will not sign the joint one.

 

That means that I will have to, by myself, decide what I think is right and fair (and legally realistic) in a divorce settlement, and work it into the petition. My attorney has already helped on that score, and he still will.

 

That will make it easier for me to inform my husband of my intent, The only question is when to do so. He leaves for a vacation in a couple days, and when he returns, we'll have a counseling session. I'll have the petition filled out, because I meet with my attorney while H is away. I may tell him in counseling. Or else, I could tell him now before he goes on vacation, but why ruin his annual vacation that he looks forward to all year, when it makes no real difference to me in terms of when we get this thing done.

 

The only reason to tell him before he leaves is, we'll have some cooling off period where I won't worry that he's with my son and sleep-deprived and bitter. I do worry that he gets so horribly distracted when upset. I'll have to think about that. Probably does not matter that much in the end whether I tell him now or next week. As long as I do it.

 

He commented to a family member in the past that he thinks I should not be able to continue living in this house if we divorce. We're renting, and I found the place and pay the rent and we are both on the lease. Assuming I can afford to continue paying rent after the lease is up, he can't stop me renewing the lease. I can't, nor would I care to, kick him out before our lease is up. But he may try to fight for some kind of situation where I leave or baby and I leave, and he keeps living in this house with me paying rent. Not at all legally realistic, but oddly, it still makes me worry.

 

I'll likely offer joint custody with reasonable parenting time, me starting out with all or most overnights just cuz baby is so small, Dad with plenty of visitation plus one overnight if he has a reasonable place to do so, and plans to re-assess parenting schedule when Dad gets a job, and right of first refusal when baby will be in care of third party for more than 5 hours. I will not ask for any child support nor offer any child or spousal support, I'll give him my second car (he has a project car that mostly runs and another project car that doesn't run) and I'll give him a bunch of baby stuff. We have no joint assets and no joint bank account. I'd be very happy with a separation period for a while just to keep him on health insurance for several months before the actual divorce is final. The idea is, he gets to go take care of himself. I won't hinder or help that, and I can take care of baby just fine, plus I have no problem with him being very much in baby's life.

 

 

I guess the most I can do to keep it amiable is, offer something reasonable that I can live with and that does not impede his ability to still see his son and seek employment and have his own life and not have to worry about paying me child support. If he asks for me to continue supporting him fully after divorce, I already know that that is not realistic, but I just dread paying money I don't have to an attorney to litigate such a thing. Such is life, right? Worse-equipped people than I have done the same.

[bathtub-row]

Jak, you really need to get off the nice wagon, honey. Seriously, this divorce isn't about this dumb-butt man. Ok? Do you realize that your post above was ALL about him?? Do you not see the problem here? And can you please tell me why you don't expect this man to help out financially with his child??

 

I'll let you in on a little secret that I'm sure your attorney will reinforce to you. The only thing the courts care about in a divorce case where a child is involved is the CHILD. And I'm not talking about the child you're married to, I'm talking about your actual child. The courts don't give a flying fig about you or your husband's comfort or feelings. And here's another clue, they're like that because they've learned that's the best way to be.

 

So, here's the deal. Figure out what's best for you and your son. And I'll save you the suspense -- joint custody isn't it. It's just a great way to appease a whiny man and confuse a poor child caught in the crossfire. It might work where two reasonable people are involved, but one parent still needs to be the main caregiver. Your future ex has done absolutely NOTHING to show you he will ever be a reasonable person. This man is so low that he drives his wife out of the main bedroom and takes it for himself. That one act alone would have him in divorce court if it were me. Men like this are truly pathetic. He's completely self-centered and is, no doubt, a mommy's boy.

 

Take it from someone who tried this nicey thing. I ended up with a 2-yr divorce and then a 6-yr appeal. I eventually won but I could've saved myself a LOT of problems by being firm from the beginning. The courts know what they're doing and I'd advise you to stop being your husband's mother and let him grow up. (Which, by the way, he will never do but that's not your concern.)

 

If you agree to any major joint decisions with this guy, you will regret it until the day your child turns 18, if not longer. If you bow to his whiny ways about paying child support, this is another thing you will fully regret. Do not leave anything negotiable. Being firm in your decisions does not equal being mean. Please get that straight in your head. You're about to head down a path that will cause you years and years and endless years of misery.

 

As far as your lease on the house is concerned, it would be my guess that the divorce will take care of that. You do realize that all of his rights go out the window from that point on, right? He will have no say about where he lives because he can't even pay for the place. And what planet does he live on thinking that you're going to end up paying for a place for HIM to live when you have a child to raise and support?? Again, the courts don't give one fig about him, and neither should you.

 

When it comes to protecting your child and to his best interests, I hope you'll wake up really quick before you step into a volcano of your own making. If you don't know what on earth to do, then do whatever your attorney suggests. He will have you and your son's best interest at heart and going with whatever he says will be the best move. If your future ex gets mad, just say you're just doing what your attorney recommends.

 

Please, please, please stop thinking about what this man wants and think about the next 18-24 yrs that you'll have with your son. If your attorney is really smart, he'll have your ex pay child support all the way through college. This is one stipulation I wish I had put in. You may want to bring that up.

 

All in all, your husband has dug this hole for himself. Your concerns now are about the quality of your son's life. Period. Everything else is just noise.

[KarlaB]

Jak I am so glad you took this first step but Bath is right.. Now for me an H ours is very amicable and we are doing joint custody because he has a great job and will be there for our son. That I know. H has a better paying job and because we are going for joint custody I am getting jack for child support so in order to protect me, I am making him pay a lot of the expenses which caused some ripples but I wasn't going to bend. Don't you either.

 

Just because you have the job doesn't mean he gets away with no responsibility. I am sure your attorney will help you out but really, you can still be nice to him but be firm. Stand your ground and settle for nothing less than what you are due.

[jakrbbt]

Do you realize that your post above was ALL about him?? Do you not see the problem here?

 

Oh god, I did not see that. And I've tried to guide other people who do exactly that.

 

The main reason I don't want to ask for child support is, I do not want a drawn-out battle with attorney fees, and I don't think h will ever make good money and I have a pretty good job and great reputation in my field and am a lawyer. So I can afford to give him an offer he can't refuse.

 

HowEVER, the point is: What would the person looking out for only my son say? That it was better to avoid a child support battle? Or: To secure the best living for him that I can? At a minimum, I could waive for two years and revisit. I have no need for extra money and no interest in it, but I also cannot afford to pay extra for support. (I am basically month-to-month but with good steady job and upward mobility.)

 

I clearly need to get my head into the space far into the future, where it is me and my son, and I do/did the best thing for his future. What does that look like? He loves his daddy and it would be great if he had a good relationship with both parents. But also, this man wont matter as much to me in a few years. Maybe my point of view is obscured right now. Food for meditation, and pronto. I will try to think on that.

[KarlaB]

Jak to me it sounds like you have figured it out.. The worst that can happen is that he doesn't pay but you just said you can support him on your own so why not try for it? Even if he can't pay now, he will have to pay the back pay at some point and when he does, put that money aside if you don't need it for the little ones college! Don't just surrender.

[Mr. Lucky]

Food for meditation, and pronto. I will try to think on that.

Just the opposite, you're already way over-thinking this, paralysis by analysis.

 

Step 1 - Meet with lawyer

Step 2 - Draw up paperwork

Step 3 - Serve husband

 

Forget any thoughts of his vacation schedule, transportation needs, employment potential and living arrangements. Those are his problems and dealing with them may actually end his inertia.

 

100% of your focus should be on you and your child. His future is his to determine and he seems like the type who will simply thwart your best laid plans for him anyway. In short, let it go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

Ok, I'm just going to give you a brief run-down of my story and let you decide what your best move would be. Maybe you'll understand why I say the things I say...

 

I was nice. My ex is a stingy, manipulative user. Still is, 20 yrs later. I played nice and decided that instead of him paying child support, we would split all major expenses -- daycare, dr. visits, etc. My ex's friends would tell him how freakin' lucky he was that I was being that way and that he shouldn't do anything to screw it up. As far as the agreement for the divorce itself, I talked and negotiated and made lists and we agreed on things. Then when I thought it was all cleared up, he changed his mind. This went on for what seemed like forever until I finally got fed up.

 

2 yrs later, we go to divorce court. Because of my brilliant idea about about splitting funds (which turned every conversation with my ex into a long, drawn out discussion every time I needed to discuss money with him), the judge decided that we would just stay with that program, regardless of the fact that I stated that it didn't work and that he made things difficult. Not only that, but despite the fact that I got custody, several other things happened that were completely unprecedented -- such as my ex would be able to decide which school our son would go to. This nightmare was mostly due to my ignorance of the system and to my attorney being so overly confident that I would get custody -- I didn't do drugs, didn't date around, had a great job, etc. He figured that if I got custody, everything else would fall into place.

 

Hence, a hell of mostly my own making.

 

The day after that horrible ruling, when I called appeal attorneys and explained the situation, they told me that I had to be mistaken. No judge would make such a decision. Hands down -- every time I told the story, they all said the same thing -- "that couldn't have happened, you must've misunderstood". Provided I knew what I was talking about and they took the case, I was told that I was looking at a minimum of $15,000-$20,000. I hung up. This went on over and over again.

 

Finally, I found an attorney who was so appalled by my case that he only charged me $1,200. He took the case to all the courts that he could. We came close to winning once, but lost over and over again. 4 yrs later, he told me we only had one option left -- go back to the original court with the original judge. I told him I was done and I had no money to spend. He made a deal with me because he was such a believer in me. He said that if we lost, I owed him nothing. If we won, I would owe him another $1,200.

 

Now, some people say that my attorney took this case because it had apparently made it to the top 10 cases in some law journal because it was so completely unheard of, and he wanted his name tied to it. I don't know. I don't care. I will always be grateful to him until I draw my last breath. He is 100% my hero.

 

During the whole appeal process, I never had to go to court. My attorney did all the work. But, for the last battle, I had to go back. When I met my attorney at his office the day before, the file he had on my case was staggering. 6 yrs of work were before my eyes. I had no idea. The original judge didn't show up in court; she sent her assistant judge instead, much to my delight. I like to believe she did that because she got such whiplash from her ruling on my case that she didn't want to show her face. Anyway, during the court proceedings where my ex was being his usual arrogant self, my attorney asked him question after question, brought up all his dumb actions -- paying the sitter late, etc. He not only ended up paying twice the child support that I had initially asked for, he was also ordered to pay my attorney fees. Not to mention the $30,000 my ex spent on his attorney fighting with me. He also lost the right to choose the school. After the ruling, I had never, ever seen my ex so angry as he was that day.

 

When I say to you to stop this nice game, I'm not kidding around. It brought me a world of pain that lasted for years, and I don't want to see you go through that. It's not funny when you need to provide for your child and you get no assistance. No matter how much you make, you can always do that much better for your child if you're getting child support. If you have that much cash floating around, then start a savings account for his college. Believe me, college comes up fast and even when they get loans and grants, it's still costly. In classic form for my ex, he rarely helped our son through college and it was up to me and my son to make it work. He's now in his last year of college getting an engineering degree and he's now going strong on his own, but it has been a true struggle. Looking back, I can see clearly what I should've done right from the beginning.

 

As a sidenote, I sent my attorney a bouquet of flowers the day after the hearing. For years after that, I would send him pics of my son. I would've never been able to win that case had it not been for him. I wouldn't have even been able to fight it because of the staggering amount it would've cost. Please, please, please do not ever put yourself in this kind of situation. Whatever you start out doing is what is likely to be etched in stone as far as the courts are concerned. When I say listen to your attorney, I mean it. If you have an attorney who doesn't have the guts to fight with your future ex, then find one who does. The first attorney I had was literally worn down from dealing with my ex. She basically wanted to agree to anything just to shut him up. Be careful about letting your ex manipulate things in this way. Find a strong attorney who doesn't put up with that nonsense.

 

So, there you have it. If you wonder why I keep preaching to you about being overly nice, now you know. You do not understand the judicial system the way an attorney does. You do not know the things they know and see. They know that anything left open for discussion is a ticking time bomb. You don't know the nightmare that you can pile on top of your head with one wrong move.

 

Pay attention and forget about being nice to your ex. If he had been a good husband, he wouldn't be in this position in the first place. You do not want to have to negotiate ANYTHING once you're divorced from him. What you will want is for him to be as minimally in your life as possible and when he wants to argue about something, you'll want to be able to simply point him to the divorce decree -- the answer should be there.

 

You also need to think about the fact that you may remarry. Your new husband does not want to find himself in the middle of a divorce storm that never goes away. It needs to be resolved and firmly in place. If you have issues from a previous marriage, it will spill over into your new relationship. You don't want that.

 

As far as your son's relationship with his dad, that's totally his business. I set up a great arrangement that worked for everyone. My ex had his son every other weekend (not every 1st, 3rd, etc). His weekend started on Thurs after school (it was his responsibility to either pick his son up at school, our son ride the bus to his house, whatever worked), and his weekend ended on Monday morning, when school started. There were variations on this for the summer but you get the picture. When it wasn't his weekend, he had his son on Thurs after school until the next morning, when he dropped him off at school. The beauty of this is that I rarely had to deal with my ex when it came to picking up or dropping off our son. I didn't have to be home on Sundays waiting for him. I knew he would never be on time -- that's not possible for him -- and I knew he'd play games with me. So, I nipped that in the bud. The other great thing about it is that my ex had full weekends with his son, without them being split up. It worked great.

 

I'm also a firm believer in the fact that no matter how much I can't stand my ex, he is still my son's father and I have no right to argue with him in front of my son, or talk bad about his dad. This also worked great. Except that my son can hardly stand his dad but that's his dad's fault, not mine. Either way, our son had a full relationship with his dad and he can honestly say he has had lots of time with both of us. If there was some family event that his dad wanted to take him to when it wasn't his weekend or whatever, that was no big deal. As long as you have in writing what the legal arrangement is, then some negotiating is ok. But you need to have something to always fall back on because I had to use it often with my ex. The divorce decree became my safety net.

 

Do not ever forget that your future ex cares first and foremost about himself and, the first chance you give him, he will cut you to ribbons. Do not underestimate his sly manipulations. As much as you're concerned about his well-being, is how much he's NOT concerned about yours.

 

I hope in some way this helps you. I'll shut up now...

[tippydog90]

I just have time for a quick reply here, but one thing you should really think about with regard to child support and not really needing it now is you MAY need it someday. Think worst case scenario here - what if something happens and you are unable to work for a while (illness, care for elderly parents, etc)? Child support may become VERY important then. Also, even if you don't need it currently on a monthly basis, put that money into a college fund or something for your child. He is the father, and he has a responsibility to his child. Period. He need to get off his behind, find a job, and take responsibility for the care of his child. Don't play nice on this, it could easily backfire.

[Turtles]

How do you get child support from someone who is unemployed though, isn't it calculated as a function of their income which would be 0 in that case (not trying to be a smartass, I really am ignorant of the subject)? So wouldn't that be a lot of hassle for no net result?

[Yasuandio]

How do you get child support from someone who is unemployed though, isn't it calculated as a function of their income which would be 0 in that case (not trying to be a smartass, I really am ignorant of the subject)? So wouldn't that be a lot of hassle for no net result?

 

She is going to have to pay to update his training for the field of his education, so he'll be ready to enter the job market. I think he is in Social Work, or a related field, possibly? Jkrabbt, can you advise? Yas

[Yasuandio]

I just have time for a quick reply here, but one thing you should really think about with regard to child support and not really needing it now is you MAY need it someday. Think worst case scenario here - what if something happens and you are unable to work for a while (illness, care for elderly parents, etc)? Child support may become VERY important then. Also, even if you don't need it currently on a monthly basis, put that money into a college fund or something for your child. He is the father, and he has a responsibility to his child. Period. He need to get off his behind, find a job, and take responsibility for the care of his child. Don't play nice on this, it could easily backfire.

 

Tippydog, this is an outstanding point! I became disabled in my early 40's, but luckily I had private disability insurance. It doesn't forever - but it doubles SSI till I'm 65. It is a complete nightmare when you become unemployable, especially when you have so much to give.

 

After a divorce, it is more than a nightmare. It is constant fright. Thank goodness there is no child in my case.

 

There was a woman on LS not long ago whose H left her when she developed a brain tumor. You never know what can happen. I would demand that CS when he begins collecting income. You will regret it, and your son may wonder why his Dad does not contribute. You wouldn't want to be the one that blocked that option, and did not even bother to ask on behalf of your son. That could be considered selfish, self-serving (make yourself look better; or your ex look bad), a lot of assumptions could be derived from you not bothering (avoiding) to ask for your son's due CS. A Judge might believe your reluctance to ask for CS is an indication that you don't REALLY want father's involvement as you tend to overstate, and too, interpret that you rather get rid of H than take any CS (which is sort of true). The Judge could see that as not putting the Child first -- you never know what goes thru a Judge's mind - it is a toss of the dice. Yas

[Mr. Lucky]

She is going to have to pay to update his training for the field of his education, so he'll be ready to enter the job market.

I think that would officially qualify as throwing good money after bad. Some people have an unlimited ability to self-sabotage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

I think that would officially qualify as throwing good money after bad. Some people have an unlimited ability to self-sabotage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It is going to go one of two ways in a Court. The judge will have her pay him alimony to be house husband. OR he has to go to work. In the latter example, he will balk, that he's been away from field too long, so Judge will allow a reasonable time to catch up - then he has to grow up and get a job, or a new provider. That's it. That's the system. Period. She does need to move fast cause he could monkey wrench an SSI due to his so-called learning disabilities.

 

He certainly is unlikely to take any offer she makes with his history. But you never know. The whole story is problematic. I said my proposals already enough about this guy.

 

He is gonna get some of her money no matter what. Let's hope it's on the job training, or re-certification. Then, it's not her problem anymore. Y