Chronic avoider spouse, no sex, joint divorce?

[tippydog90]

I am with Yas on this. Based on your previous description of the photos he was taking of you, regardless of who he was or wasn't sending them to, photographing you like that without your permission is perverted and an incredible invasion of your privacy. There is no WAY I would give this man 50/50 custody of a child. Not happening. Even if your child were older, I would tell you the same. But the fact that he is 17 months old, you should not even be considering shuttling him back and forth between two homes at that age. Read the guidance on-line about toddlers and visitation in divorce. Nothing will come even close to stating that is appropriate. He needs stability and one primary home. That aside, if all you have said about your husband is true, I DO NOT think any of it is cute, I think it is creepy. Sorry, I am very blunt.

[jakrbbt]

But the fact that he is 17 months old, you should not even be considering shuttling him back and forth between two homes at that age. Read the guidance on-line about toddlers and visitation in divorce. Nothing will come even close to stating that is appropriate. He needs stability and one primary home.

 

I hear you tippydog, but where does that leave me? Such thoughts are a main reason I tried for a long time to not get divorced, and even hung out in the City of Denial. (Maybe I return for weekend visits.) I don't feel I can very well go into court asking for full custody and 90 percent parenting time and cite those online articles. The judges have to go by statutes and right now they are also doing equal-access parenting, period, unless one parent can't logistically do it or is seriously unfit like coke addict or something. More importantly, it would make me look like I am less likely to facilitate a relationship between the child and the other parent. And that is the primary factor, mandated by statute, that the judge will consider after assessing fitness: Which parent is most likely to facilitate a relationship between the child and the other parent?

 

Stability is important, and I worry about the same thing you're pointing out. Also, will my husband ask for full-time parenting and custody based on being the alleged primary caretaker because he doesn't work? But the courts here does not, by and large, assess the stay-at-home as "primary parent" and then leave child with them for stability's sake. That is because that parent will no longer be a stay at home parent after the divorce, he/she will have to work. So going to day care all of a sudden is no more stable just because Mom is dropping you off there and not dad. I hear that courts are no longer assessing one or the other as "primary" parent in many situations, where even if only one parent works, both are very involved and are very bonded to child.

 

I think that the divorce is disruptive, period, and I hate that. Again, one reason to try to stay together. But I feel I can't stay in this marriage.

 

Baby sleeping in the same house every night makes a lot of sense to me. Dad and I have always slept at opposite ends of the house, baby has always slept with me. I do think that keeping baby's overnights with me like they are now would be good, and I will ask for it. That leaves a couple daytimes and some evenings for dad to see him. Dad may work weekends, so he might agree to that. I think he'll want access to his kid but will also want tons of self-time to do his hobbies and he will want to sleep in a lot. It won't be easy to sleep in if he has to come over to get the baby when I go to work. Whatever our parenting plan, it's subject to change when my husband gets a job and a place.

 

I am comforted to hear that the invasions of privacy would have been upsetting to anyone, and that I did not deserve that, and that he was not right to blow me off when I complained. I don't see how I get from there to putting up surveillance, particularly when he and baby clearly have a bond and baby is clearly well-adjusted. If there is any sign of abuse or neglect, then you bet. But short of that, I would like to avoid a privacy-invasion battle. I'd rather get back my own privacy and dignity and never, ever let anyone live with me who feels they can share intimate details and spousal confidences with their sister and capture my image without my consent.

Edited September 7, 2014 by jakrbbt

[tippydog90]

Well, it isn't just on-line articles that discuss visitation with toddlers. We just had to take the court mandated Focus on Children class in the state I live in, which I understand is pretty much required nationwide now, and the state's own class and guidelines recommend limited overnights for children from birth-5 years of age due to the stability and consistency needs of the children. Of course it is up to parents to decide, but the court's recognize the need for stability in young children. Equal access parenting does not necessarily equate to 50/50 time in two different households. And personally, your husband's behavior toward you and the invasive and inappropriate things he has done, are a huge, huge red flag to me. Jakrbbt that is just downright creepy and I would tread very carefully here with regard to your child.

[Yasuandio]

Jkrabtt,

 

Pardon me, but you sound like a Judge "you wish" will sound like without the facts in your case.

 

It that very well may or may not come true.

 

Here is you habit, Rabbit:

 

A. Start thread with a shocking title (up to 5 now).

B. Begin with some of the details.

C. Posters rescue with excellent advice.

D. You immediately go into "Disaster Control" mode - try to soften the issue.

E. One or two posters don't usually buy it. I'm one of them. This time - Tippydog is picking up on this situation.

F. The bombs you drop in each thread get worse - not unlike trickle-truthing.

G. For every BOMB, there is an about face, on your part, when it is later brought to your attention (i.e., "cute photos like a missing bowtie at a picnic). You need to take that one up with a good therapist.

 

I serious doubt you abashed these issues in the 5 threads with your attorney. If not, you need to print them out in full for his examination. Because, my dear, your perspective, in my humble opinion is frighenly skewed. This could be due to your early assault, attempted rape by gunpoint (left untreated, or treated way too late); or by the abuse, yes ABUSE by your husband. Abandonment and withdrawal of affection is abusive. Why you would choose to make a baby with this man in the midst of MC is another bizarre choice.

 

I have not failed to point out how critical it is for you to gather some intel on this strange husband that has perverted habits. You would tell your client the same thing. In your field of law - these realizes are at the tip of your finger, most likely Pro Bono.

 

Here is the problem. YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Normally, I would support that position. I think it is better not to know certain things. But when it comes to child - and a man that has shown peculular and perverted conduct - he needs to be checked out. A nannycam in the house, VARs in a couple rooms and a car, and a PI to see where he goes every evening. Additionally, a forensic examination of his computer. Anything less (with your position and information you possess) is NEGLEGENT. Total and complete denial, even possible an illness or disorder you may need to discuss with a doctor (see new articles under Critical Readings, I put them there just for you).

 

I am not a medical doctor, but I have an earned Ph.D., in a complicated field and I am no idiot. Furthermore, it does not take a rocket scientist to see something is very wrong with this picture. I don't know what else to do to help you. I have offered everything I have to give. Good luck to you Jrabbt. Yas

 

I take a hard-line stance on ANYTHING that appears pervert

[jakrbbt]

I'm processing all this. I think I should clarify that it's a crime in my state to record someone without their knowledge. I don't want to commit any crime regardless-- and besides that, my license to practice would likely be revoked.

 

However, that does not mean that my perspective isn't all over the place. That's a valuable observation. I cannot believe how difficult it can be to be objective about one's own situation even when very conscientious about that. I guess that's one good reason to involve marriage counselors, attorneys and judges as need be, and to only explain the facts with scrupulous honesty, plus how you came to know those facts, in case you're mistaken.

 

No moves so far, h and I actually had a couple long talks for once, one was positive, the other was hard, and I'm sad. We have counseling in a few days.

[Yasuandio]

I'm processing all this. I think I should clarify that it's a crime in my state to record someone without their knowledge. I don't want to commit any crime regardless-- and besides that, my license to practice would likely be revoked.

 

 

God forbid you commit a crime. Are there any of the other half dozen or more intel collection ideas I provided that are legal?

[jakrbbt]

Well, if there's something that warrants a custody study then yes, the state will investigate. I'm not thinking there is, but that may be for the mediator or lawyer to decide. I feel that h doesn't respect me but is no perv. I'll make sure not to keep facts to myself and on the other hand not to offer conclusions, only facts. He now knows that I'm likely to ask for separation. He's so sad, and that makes me sad. I hate this. I need to cope in other ways besides tons of LS, but I'm checking in still because you are all so helpful.

[Yasuandio]

Oh, you are saying the State, Mediator, or Attorney will automatically step in if there's something that warrant's a custody study? Do you think these authoritries are mind-readers?

 

Now, If you provided them the troubling information you've shared on LS, all their reaction would be interesting (from the photo sessions to the "emotional affair with his sister" as you called it).

 

You threads, posts and denial speak for themselves. A perv is a perv. Even a little perversion is perverted, and should be investigated when a child is involved. That is like common sense; and in light of the facts you've stated in your threads, what you "think" is off the mark big time. If I were you, I'd get concerned about that fact, and take these threads to a psychiatric facility and get a second opinion from an expert.

 

Now, you worried about his sadness. I regret you don't get this, hon. It is going to take a crisis to get thru to you, I'm afraid. That is what is really sad. Maybe you are just niave or something. Well, you aint the only one. Ive been there, I didn't want to believe anything either. Hmm.

 

Yas

Edited September 11, 2014 by Yasuandio

[tippydog90]

I am 100% with Yas on this. How can you possibly feel "sad" for a man that has invaded your privacy in such egregious, perverted ways? Anyone that takes secretive photos of their spouse as you have described, along with other incidents you have also described, does not deserve your sympathy. In fact, he needs a good swift kick with a boot to the curb. And I wouldn't for a minute consider that your child is safe with someone that could exhibit these bizarre and perverted behaviors. Sorry, but you need to look at this from the perspective of what in the heck you would tell a woman coming to you, as an attorney, and telling YOU what you have told us in your postings. Your child needs to be top priority and you need to get these issues out in the open with your attorney ASAP as well as mental health professionals since you do not seem to be objective enough to see this situation clearly. You owe your child that.

[Turtles]

Everybody can be called perverted / creepy to one degree or another, but that doesn't make them unfit parent.

 

Sure, get an expert to agree with you, get a judge with a slight pro-female bias, get full custody. Where does that leave the kid growing up without a father?

[Yasuandio]

Everybody can be called perverted / creepy to one degree or another, but that doesn't make them unfit parent.

 

Really? Can you provide some examples, please?

 

Sure, get an expert to agree with you, get a judge with a slight pro-female bias, get full custody.

 

Really, who said anything about custody? Not me. Intel suggestions are to find out the depth of the perversion, and what is going on behind Jkrabbt's back. We only know know one side - and, in itself, - it is very strange. For all we know, Jkrbbt's story-telling followed by her extreme depth of denial (of the hidious details of her own story) could be characterized as delusional thinking - or, in the alternative, an attempt to possibly get attention and sympathy. In either case, especially if these claims are untrue or exaggerated, might be an indication that H deserves full custody - who knows. As soon as Jrabbt introduces a thread, (which often climaxes with an aditional horror story), she backs later down, and clearly forgets about the details, and begins a new on another troubling topic - which follows the typical pattern.

 

As a dedicated and caring poster to her threads, I find her latest attitude really defensive and problematic. It is as if the LS threads have been some sort of mock trial - and now she is clear on how to proceed, or more aptly, on how not to proceed. If she was on the stand, with the "flip-flopping" within the threads she has created on LS - her credibilty would be dead in the water. No doubt. You don't have to be an attorney to comprehend this.

 

Where does that leave the kid growing up without a father?

I don't know Turtle, I'm not a Judge. And I dont have all the facts. But I do get concerned when a person tries to soften some disturbing facts they themselves introduced. Furthermore, the Petitioner (OP) turns into Defendant's advocate when it is logically suggested she gather evidence to insure safty of minor as soon as the difficult questions arise (from her own statements). I don't expect her to assist nor get opinions of authorities. Your kind support is what she want from LS, Turtle! You will make a fine friend for her - tell her what she wants to hear. That is what she's looking for. It's on you, now.

 

10 characters Yas

Edited September 12, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Turtles]

Truth be told I don't give a rat's ass what she does. She has a natural reaction to defend her husband and child's father because y'all sound like an angry mob of witch hunters. Which admittedly, she kind of riled y'all up with some dramatic initial posts, but that doesn't change the fact.

[Yasuandio]

Truth be told I don't give a rat's ass what she does. She has a natural reaction to defend her husband and child's father because y'all sound like an angry mob of witch hunters. Which admittedly, she kind of riled y'all up with some dramatic initial posts, but that doesn't change the fact.

 

I certainly dont want to be perceived as part of an "Angry Mob." I wouldn't waste my time nor energy if I didn't care. If I have been wrong in my reactions, I will be the first to publically apologize. As it stands, from my viewpoint (and opinion), the truth hurts sometimes.

 

Now Turtle, since you ejected yourself into the discussion, I still am interested in your contention that "everyone can be a pervert or creepy to some degree." besides Halloween, what sort of examples can you provide to help me understand this concept as it relates to children.

 

If you are considered "everyone" has this trait "to a degree," for example, what do you do that is perverted or creepy? Can you share that?

 

If I have been wrong in characterizing Mr. Jkrabtt's conduct as perverted, please, enlighten me, so I may stand corrected, and make the proper apology to Ms. Jkrbbt. I certainly have made mistakes on LS before. Thank you in advance. Yas

 

PS. FYI Turtle. Ms. Jkrabbt is an extremely smart savvy woman. I personally know of her achievements that go as high as possible in her field. She doesnt need a Turtle to protect her from the so-called "witch-hunt." She is quite capable of processing extremely raw, challenging information on her own. Might be tough to swallow - but she will get there. I got faith in her, believe it or not. When you are juggling a fine career, an infant, an a problematic husband (and facing divorce), sometimes it is hard to see the forest thru the trees, OR for that matter, the trees in the forest. Been there, done that. Peace.

Edited September 12, 2014 by Yasuandio

[KarlaB]

Hey Jak how are things going?!?

[jakrbbt]

I don't want to get too detailed, just in case, (now afraid of future computer spying)-- but I have done some not-illegal detective work. My husband is not abusive to our son (in short)-- but his parenting style drives me mad. I should not be surprised, but I still feel surprised.

 

Nothing abusive, just stuff I dislike like: getting quickly annoyed with the toddler when he fusses rather than figuring out what is wrong . . . feeding him less healthy stuff because it is convenient (not total crap though) . . . plenty of time having toddler crawl around on the ground while husband works on hobbies rather than playing with him. But also some cuddling and being sweet to him. The most concerning thing from my view point is the sort of OCD-type behavior-- overreacting when toddler drops or spills something, putting away the toys while toddler is still playing with them, not being ok with having anything out to play with or touch. Ugh. But that is something that I likely don't have any say in after divorce and I sure as hell have not been able to bring it up with him during marriage. And he is seeing even more of his sister than I'd thought.

 

 

I also fear that some of the interpersonal stuff between husband and me, will be played out between husband and son one day. And I am very, very much, struggling right now with the interpersonal stuff. There has been some ugly stuff lately. There has also been even more sleeping, like more than 12 hours per day, so I'm worried and angry at the same time.

 

I do fear-- and not without some reason-- that he will kind of use our son as a pawn during the break-up. I hope that I am wrong. I know that is common.

 

H has been very "nice" to me much of the time lately-- but in drive-by, one-sided interactions that I find unsettling. I don't know that he is so much "trying"-- I feel that he is showing me how not-ok he would be with a break-up. I tried talking to him in counseling about wanting to separate. He and the counselor both kind of responded as though I was not serious-- even though I was! They said we'd discuss some other mundane aspect of our domestic life next session. Why can I not get out of this situation?

 

Now I fear that, if I leave, I will be abandoning him. And also, I am angry with him. I am of two minds like fighting twins. I am very confused. But one thing I know: I do not want to be with this man for the rest of my life. And I am very afraid to leave. (Not physically afraid, but afraid of other retaliation.) Plus I feel guilty about it.

 

Nonetheless, I have looked at some houses to rent. I want something that I'll be comfortable in, not too drastic a downgrade from our reasonably-priced fairly-nice place we're in now. The only way he will listen to me is if I secure a place, file for divorce, and get a visitation/custody order and then leave.

 

His view is that he moved to our city because I forced him to, and that he left a good job prospect to do it. That is not true: He stopped contributing for rent or groceries months before the pregnancy even. His on-call work hours were so unworkable that I knew we'd have to move to where baby's grandparents lived and also it is less expensive where we are. But he sees things the other way, and will likely ask for support and think that I am abandoning him. And i feel like I am, because I feel that he is sort of helpless.

 

He thinks I will continue to support him and that I should, because he has been watching our son while I am at work.

 

How can I make it so that I am not just abandoning him and being a total jerk? His position-- that I can't divorce him and have to support him and live under his regime of strict specifics-- is not reasonable. But me just leaving him in the lurch with no job and no plan seems crappy-- especially when he wanted to be home with our son (though I'd rather have son in daycare).

 

So the one thought I had was: Maybe rent a cheap, depressing place and just give him more money then he'd ever get in court. But I don't want to do that-- I want to focus on taking care of myself and building my own peaceful, halfway-pleasant household when I am going through the divorce. I won't break the bank, but I want a place that is kind of nice and in a good area and has a little yard for baby to play in. But I feel so selfish doing this.

 

I don't know when to tell my husband that I am leaving-- no, I can't do it!! And we have a good friend here whom my husband invited to stay with us now for several days/weeks, so it will be awkward.

 

The worst is, he and I will both see less of our son this way. I hate that that will be my doing.

 

You know, I realize that I am confused and may be all over the map trying to present things from both angles. But I am certainly not being mendacious our trying to get extra sympathy. What I am trying to do-- perhaps unhelpfully-- is avoid being wrong.

 

However, I have a very, very confused vantage point, so my attempts to avoid being wrong are failures. I also want to believe that things are OK, but are they? i don't know! My husband's behavior is a complete mystery to me and makes me feel crazy. The 'dramatic" posts are not untrue or made up in any way, but people respond saying he is a perv and I think, no, that's not it, I know he's not a perv. But I am not hearing any other answers, so maybe. I also do not want to be like some people's exes on here, and fight tooth-and-nail for custody based on some problems that I have with stuff he's done toward me. It has to be based on the child, and I won't look at all good if I make unfounded accusations or seem paranoid. However, some of the secrecy and excluding me from the room when he is with the child, is the reason I wanted to find out more. He has no right to ask me to "trust" him after such secrecy and exclusion, just because he'd be offended by the lack of trust. That is not how I will parent, and if a relationship breaks up because of my position on that, then so be it.

 

Thanks guys for listening. I am a mess, no? Aren't we all at some point?

Edited September 21, 2014 by jakrbbt

[jakrbbt]

ps. I did call it an "emotional affair" with sister, and I stand by that. But I want to clarify how I use the term.

 

They are not sexual with each other. But I call it an "emotional affair" because of the amount of time and nature of being together. They are together almost every day for at least a few hours, they exclude others for the most part, they huddle together in a corner and do baby-talk during gatherings, they talk or text every day, often late into the night, which is one of the reasons he doesn't sleep with me, and he thinks he has to drop everything to go see her if she says she needs him to, which she often does. They talk about me and I think I've mentioned before that he's always invited her on dates et c.-- so it feels like a privacy invasion and betrayal, much like if he had an other-woman flirtation he was talking about me with. They do say things like, "I come over now?" -- "Sure, but I look horrible, my hair is a mess"-- which I find weird, but they don't have a sexual relationship.

 

I read a huffinton post article on emotional affairs and every bit rang true except the flirtation part-- which is why I call it an emotional affair. There is also a slight chance it is cultural-- they are LDS and I don't have a lot of experience with that religion/culture.

 

I see it as 1) maybe an unhealthy attachment resulting from the physically abusive childhood and 2) a boundary-crossing presence in my marriage that I will not live with. So it is a BIG deal to me regarding my relationship with h. But it didn't cause me to think he'd be inappropriate with our son.

 

But if others on here think it is pervy and concerning, with the clarification that it is not sexual, then let me know. I just fear I might have misled with my epithet "emotional affair."

[beach]

You're not the jerk - he is.

 

And now you two brought a friend into the home? What the heck? And you also pay for his vacation when he doesn't even work?

 

Good God girl - file for divorce now!

 

He's a grown man! He will learn to grow up when you stop being his Mommy.

 

I worry you think too little of yourself and too much of him.

 

Talk to your counselor about what your life would look like if it was balanced. And ask the counselor to help you get divorced from this creep.

 

All this time and you still haven't changed a thing.

 

Some people spend all their energy talking with no action to go along with those thoughts. This looks like one of those cases. Maybe you're not miserable enough. I wonder if ten or twenty more years would be enough time? I wasted 23 years - does that sound appealing to you?

 

Just file and let a judge decide- that's what they do for a living.

[jakrbbt]

Ouch. Beach: I think you are right.

 

I am spending intense amounts of time talking about it, in order to avoid doing it. I am afraid, and yet I have to act. So then instead of acting, I talk about it ad nauseum, to get out all the energy. Never saw it that way before.

 

Good thing I have a blunt, direct lawyer who also has no desire to screw over my husband or anything. He told me what steps to take, and I will do them.

 

Don't wanna, don't know how, can't, but WILL. <--- wimp's mantra, will repeat

 

But the reassurance/encouragement still helps, a LOT.

[tippydog90]

Jakrbt, You have said helpful things to me, hopefully this will help you.

 

GET OUT NOW. There, I said it. I know you said your husband isn't a "perv", but based on what you have described in your past posts about his tendencies to photograph you without your permission and send those photos to his sister, I don't know how else to describe his behavior. That is absolutely appalling and meant to humiliate you. I can tell you one thing, if any man ever did that to me, I'd give him a boot in his behind and he would be sitting on the curb with all his belongings in less than two minutes. In addition, his bizarre behavior with his sister is no less than really, really creepy. I have been around many LDS having lived in Utah for a while and had friends that grew up in the faith, and nope this is not anything related to this faith. Being close to your siblings is one thing, what you describe is something else entirely.

 

And as far as him being "helpless" I call major BS on that one. He is only as helpless as you are allowing him to be. You are enabling that helplessness. Sounds more like pure laziness to me. Get rid of him and be extremely cautious with custody. This man just sounds like something is seriously off with him....

[BetrayedH]

Ouch. Beach: I think you are right.

 

I am spending intense amounts of time talking about it, in order to avoid doing it. I am afraid, and yet I have to act. So then instead of acting, I talk about it ad nauseum, to get out all the energy. Never saw it that way before.

 

Good thing I have a blunt, direct lawyer who also has no desire to screw over my husband or anything. He told me what steps to take, and I will do them.

 

Don't wanna, don't know how, can't, but WILL. <--- wimp's mantra, will repeat

 

But the reassurance/encouragement still helps, a LOT.

 

I can rarely "like" Beach's posts because they're so, um, direct but we're almost always on the same wavelength. In this case, I have to agree with her.

 

If you can't see staying with this man indefinitely, then quit wasting his time and yours. Younger children do better with divorces than older children so hyperanalysing this just makes the potential for enduring drama more likely.

 

Your husband isn't helpless and you've said so yourself. He's had a decent job before. However, this continuing dynamic does ENABLE him to play the helpless victim card. As Beach said, he'll grow up when he no longer has you to play mommy to him.

 

Follow the advice of your attorney - trust that your attorney won't go for the throat because that's not what you're trying to accomplish. Settle when it's fair and equitable. And if the attorneys can't get there, leave it in a judge's hands. Again, Beach is right that that's what they do for a living.

Edited September 21, 2014 by BetrayedH

[jakrbbt]

I think I'll tell him today that I am moving out and that we need a custody arrangement pronto.

 

Tippydog, it's funny: the reason I'm not kicking him to the curb over the photos is because they started years ago and I already let it happen, and it decreased since then. But now I see that as no reason at all.

 

I'm very scared to have this talk. He's at his sister's right now.

[jakrbbt]

Yas-- and everyone-- when h gets friendly or nice, I get extremely relieved. Incredibly relieved. Like I have to protect that precious little calm status quo no matter WHAT. then, I start defending him/our situation, also in order to stop the crazy-making confusion.

 

No more of that. I'm gone. I'll give all the facts 're creepy behavior to my attorney, and I'll be very clear that I have no desire to keep son from father IF son is safe with father.

 

Stomach sick, don't want to have the talk.

[2sunny]

Yas-- and everyone-- when h gets friendly or nice, I get extremely relieved. Incredibly relieved. Like I have to protect that precious little calm status quo no matter WHAT. then, I start defending him/our situation, also in order to stop the crazy-making confusion.

 

No more of that. I'm gone. I'll give all the facts 're creepy behavior to my attorney, and I'll be very clear that I have no desire to keep son from father IF son is safe with father.

 

Stomach sick, don't want to have the talk.

 

The "right time" never comes. The best time is simply now.

 

He will be mad no matter when you tell him. In fact maybe don't tell - just do the action part and file and have him served. That tells him everything. Especially since talking has never been productive for you two.

 

 

You intend to divorce him - so just have him served. That shows what you intend to do.

 

 

And yes, I agree I'm a to the point kind of gal - it's necessary when I post here - I don't have the luxury of time to make things sound all fluffy.

 

I look at the posters info given, the goal they intend to achieve and do my best to encourage action to accomplish what's right with that info provided.

 

 

That being said - you worry too much about his feelings while he doesn't worry enough about yours. The M is completely out of balance and he's not going to care more. So, you need to just care less.

 

 

But---> he will care when his free ride is ending ---> so don't let him fool you once he's served. He wants his free ride forever.

[Yasuandio]

Yas-- and everyone-- when h gets friendly or nice, I get extremely relieved. Incredibly relieved. Like I have to protect that precious little calm status quo no matter WHAT. then, I start defending him/our situation, also in order to stop the crazy-making confusion.

 

No more of that. I'm gone. I'll give all the facts 're creepy behavior to my attorney, and I'll be very clear that I have no desire to keep son from father IF son is safe with father.

 

Stomach sick, don't want to have the talk.

 

Don't talk, it's ok. - Of Course this is an extremely ugly epiphany that is shocking. Take a xanex or a couple of Tylanols.

 

 

I figured out something, I'm writing the post - but it will take a while. Everything will be OK, don't worry.

 

 

Your support system is in place on LS - we all care about you.

 

Don't panic and show your cards, BE COOL.

 

<<<<<<<<SAY NOTHING>>>>>>>

 

More stuff might come to you.

 

KEEP SAYING NOTHING.

 

We don't know what ODD PEOPLE might do when confronted with pressure and shock.

 

Worse case scenario - he could disappear with baby!

Think about that.

 

Say nothing till someone professional is aware off all the dynamics of this situation.

 

Better Safe Than Sorry.

 

ACT NORMAL.

 

YAS

 

 

PS Sometimes Yas over-reacts, and is overly protective. But I have sensed something about the pattern of your reactions from this situation. And I relate to it - strongly - (and I got a HUGE surprise myself in my marriage of 26 years). BUT it was in front of my face all the time! Years and years! And I had the luxury of people telling me the problem, also. I see now it was an obvious conclusion! Even during the 4 year divorce process, divorce process - I still couldn't register some direct evidence that I had in my possession for years - I just didn't see it. Then when I figured it out, I still disbelieved the evidence, and came up with alternate (and far-fetched) explanations. DUH.

 

 

This is why I have been persistent. If I'm wrong (or even correct) - please, I am very, very sorry. I never had any baby - so I have perceived your weirdo situation MUCH more serious than mine.

Edited September 21, 2014 by Yasuandio

[BetrayedH]

Yeah, I'm not sure how much more talking needs to be done either. You really should stop expecting conversations to result in amiable solutions. The further along you get in the divorce process, the less return you get on conversations. I would consider just filing, having him served, and making your plans to move out. Otherwise, I would draft an email asking what sort of custody arrangement he would like to see when you move into your new apartment on (date). Discuss all of this with your atty first to make sure that they can back up your actions as reasonable and to document them as such.