Working with a fEAP is not easy...

[SoftViolin]

I really need to vent a little bit in hopes of getting more patience to deal with this. I had an EA with a married co-worker two years ago. Our EA was very short lived, but rather intense. It came to a quite spectacular crash when I realized how (despite my not very young age) naive I was about the situation, and that all my MM wanted was a PA. We ended it then.

 

We work together very closely, as our group is very small with many daily interactions. The first several weeks and months were difficult, we retained the outward facet of a friendship and a good working relationship. After about 6 months a project was assigned to me, requiring my presence at a different office for several months. We had little to no contact (outside of some very infrequent office meetings) during this time, which helped a lot. I was able to take some time, date, appreciate the fact that even though the way the situation unfolded was tough, it was for the best that I saw him for who he was, and not who I imagined him to be, before this crossed the line into a PA.

 

Since about March of this year, I have returned full-time to our main office, and to working very closely with him again, sometimes on the same projects. Here is the issue: he is completely professional around other people, but quite sarcastic and... I don't want to use the word hostile, but it almost feels like that, in one-on-one interactions. By now I have no romantic feelings left for him at all, but this situation is making my work days very long and draining. I love my job, I am good at what I do - and seen as such. I just wish I didn't have this to deal with every day. I know nothing but time will solve this, and if I didn't go away for close to a year, and reappear again, perhaps this hard stint would be over by now, and he would've realized this is not going to progress any further. As it is, I feel like I've been dealing with this for two years, and it's not ending...

 

Thank you for letting me vent.

[MissTakes]

Ugh. That sounds so tough. He sounds like he's not handling this in a good way at all - but one thing to consider might be whether you're extra sensitive to the way he acts towards you. I know that when my A ended, I was definitely hyper-sensitive around my xAP. Like you, I had a long break from seeing him between when the A ended and I spent time around him again - also about 6 months. When I was back around him again, even though I didn't want to have anything to do with him, it felt like every single interaction was somehow pointed, and it was emotionally exhausting to be around him, even for a short period of time.

 

If you think some of your upset could be chalked up to you being sensitive to him, I hate to say it... but it's just going to take time. For now, roll your eyes and move on when he's in a snit. Remind yourself how lucky you are that you aren't in a relationship with him, and therefore don't have any obligation to put up with him.

 

If you really do think that it's 100% on his behavior and not on your perception of it, it might be worth saying something - even if it's as simple as, "Hey, I know we have our differences, but I feel discouraged by your attitude towards me, and it's making it hard for me to do as good of work as I'd like to be able to do." It probably won't solve it, but at least you've put it out there, then!

[SoftViolin]

Thanks for your post, MissTakes. And you are spot on I think - a good portion of it is the fact that I am reacting in a more sensitive way to every interaction. Much like you say, it's emotionally exhausting.

 

But yet, an even larger contribution is the fact that he is making a tough situation more difficult. And every time makes a passive-aggressive or a sarcastic comment directed at me, I indeed react (internally) to it much more so than if it was anybody else other than him making this comment. All of this is just catching up to me a little bit and I feel upset he is behaving like that, and as if I owed him something, or wronged him somehow.

 

Thanks for telling me it will pass with time. I believe that too. I guess I am just having a bit of a tougher time dealing this month.

[Ronni_W]

And every time makes a passive-aggressive or a sarcastic comment directed at me, I indeed react (internally) to it much more so than if it was anybody else

Might you be able to come up with an external reaction such as saying, just above a whisper, "oh ouch" in the most condescending, bored, 'aren't-you-retarded?' tone you can muster, while rolling your eyes, and smiling as one would, indulgently, at a not-too-bright pet?

 

It's a pain in the rear to have to do, but one would hope that he'll get tired of you doing it before you make yourself insane by doing it. In any case, it will not be the reaction from you that he's apparently intent on getting/coercing out of you...some small victories are worth the bother, perhaps?

[SoftViolin]

some small victories are worth the bother, perhaps?

They definitely are. And you know, I do say something like this from time to time. I need to react somehow, short of showing this is bugging me, so I usually try to laugh it off. No verdict yet on whether he will get tired any time soon, or I will get tired. You are exactly right though, this is one of the only ways to deal for now. Thanks.