Wrapping up my self-worth on whether I have a girlfriend...

[R3d]

...is another fundamental mistake I am making. This is happening because ever since I was capable of romantic and sexual attraction (for 4 years now), I have secretly been in love with romance and relationships (well not secretly anymore as now I have actually actively started acting upon it for the past 7 months). Okay...it has been a huge dream of mine, even though it was deep down for much of this time (until 7 months ago when it blew up like The Big Bang).

 

This is why I base my self-worth on my dating potential and ability to have long-term relarionships, and while I know the problem, it's almost as if I don't want to solve this problem because my romantic life IS a big deal for me and deep down has been my number one value. I'd rather make average money and have an excellent love life than make tons of money but have an average love life (but the irony is that making tons of money improves your dating potential - so this is just a hypothetical). Whenever I read novels about adolescence (over the past 4 years), I remember skipping to all the parts to where the main character talks to and makes moves on his crush, as if those are the only good parts in the book and I could care less about the others. I still do that...

 

What can I do about this?

 

EDIT: It's not like I am not doing anything else in life. As you probably know, I have a 3.79 GPA after the last two years, I am an accomplished violinist, and I have a lot of other plans for next year [joining clubs (possibly Endangered Animals Club), getting a job, studying for the ACT's, finding a personal hobby (my other thread), etc.] But that still doesn't and won't nullify how much I value my love life, even if it can potentially reduce my desperation and neediness for a girlfriend (because even during the years where dating was not a main focus of my life, I still occasionally dreamed of having romantic and sexual experiences and deep down have this as my number one value in life). I believe in "true love conquers all".

Edited September 3, 2014 by R3d

[CarrieT]

What can I do about this?

You can be patient - until you become an adult.

 

I am serious.

[Mr Scorpio]

Part of me feels bad for typing this but, you are way too young to be having these concerns. You have your whole life ahead of you to get this stuff straightened out.

 

 

Then, someday, you'll "land" a relationship. And then, some day not long after that, you'll be stuck on the couch watching some god awful show that your GF likes when you'd rather be doing anything else. You will want to reach back through time and slap your current self.

[CarrieT]

OP, it all goes back to exactly what I wrote about in your other thread here.

 

You are doing EXACTLY what I said would happen by exposing yourself so early to the websites you mentioned. I wish you could see that.

 

And, in doing so, you have established yourself with expectations that are unrealistic at your age.

 

The thing you can do?

 

S..L..O..W.. D...O....W.....N..... all of your expectations. ALL OF THEM.

 

Learn the mantra: Patience.

[R3d]

Well, like I said, this dream of mine has been instilled in me much before the time I started viewing those sites, CarrieT.

 

And how are these expectations unrealistic at my age? I have read and heard of plenty of real-life teenage love stories. Though I do realize that it may be a few years till I land a girlfriend, and that is fine (as long as I am trying and putting myself out there). As Jad T Jones says, if you want something in life, you have to keep trying (putting yourself out there, asking girls out, etc), improving yourself, and have faith it will happen one day if you persevere and never give up.

 

Regardless, all I am saying here is that none of that is unwrapping my self-worth off of whether I have a girlfriend. Again, I reiterate from my OP: it's not like this has only been an issue for the past 7 months. I have always valued my love life extremely highly deep down or obviously ever since I was capable of romantic and sexual attraction. I have day and night-dreamed of romance and sexual activity ad nauseam on and off for the past 4 years. Sometimes, almost every day in gusts of months (like currently and in seventh grade when I had this huge crush on a girl the whole year - that crush was the beginning of my capability to feel romantic and sexual attraction); others, maybe once every couple months (during the time I was inactive in the dating scene - July 2011 to January 2014).

Edited September 3, 2014 by R3d

[CarrieT]

I have day and night-dreamed of romance and sexual activity ad nauseam on and off for the past 4 years.

Since you were twelve?

 

And how are these expectations unrealistic at my age?

The expectations are not unrealistic, but - as your title states - wrapping up your self-worth IN an expectation is unhealthy and detrimental.

 

We all want what we want. It is the wanting to an extent that we are not functioning rationally that one needs to take a check and double-check why there are to expectations.

 

We aren't telling you not to have the dreams and hopes, but to instill a sense of patience and know that it WILL happen - probably when you least expect it.

[R3d]

Yeah man, since I was 12...during my late 12's and early 13's I was dreaming of making out with my crush every day and night and a bunch of other things. I remember spending hours a day during seventh grade reading about love, sex, relarionships, dating, and courtship on the Singles and Dating section of Yahoo! Answers (and a lot of people there were 13, 14, 15, 16, etc too). Then, I took a break for 2.5 years approximately and it became an on and off thing. Now since February 2014, I am doing it again...

 

And that IS what I am believing now. That's what Jad T Jones said: keep working on it, persevere, and have faith that life will give you what you want after it has tested you enough.

 

But sadly, yes. My self-worth IS wrapped up in that. However my self-esteem isn't that low (as it used to). My confidence level has somewhat improved in the last couple months and I finally shut up about my height and race.

Edited September 3, 2014 by R3d

[TouchedByViolet]

Most people wrap up self-worth in their significant other or ability to have sexual encounters. It's not just you its almost everyone.

 

Having said that you are still very young. Struggling at your age is not uncommon. Talk to as many ladies as possible and work on flirting with them. Good luck.

[CarrieT]

And that IS what I am believing now. That's what Jad T Jones said: keep working on it, persevere, and have faith that life will give you what you want after it has tested you enough.

OR, you can *not* push, work, and persevere and just have faith and patience.

[clia]

I fear you are overthinking all of this to the point that it is going to hinder you. As many of us have told you in your other threads, at your age, your best path to get into a relationship is to socialize, participate in sports and other school activities, and to make friends. Reading all of these web sites which are geared toward adult relationships and sex are not going to help you right now.

[MoreCoffee]

I have a suggestion that may help on several levels.

 

Blog

 

You are eloquent and educated. You are passionate about passion.

This is the single greatest inspiration man has ever known.

 

Write about it. All of it, publish it everywhere. (age appropriate places of course) Put it out there and allow yourself to be open to possibility. Be as abstract or direct about your feelings, fears, whatever as you will. This will be theraputic for you and may inspire someone who then feels a closeness for you.

 

Go for it.

Edited September 3, 2014 by MoreCoffee
for not to, Go, not Gor

[R3d]

I fear you are overthinking all of this to the point that it is going to hinder you. As many of us have told you in your other threads, at your age, your best path to get into a relationship is to socialize, participate in sports and other school activities, and to make friends. Reading all of these web sites which are geared toward adult relationships and sex are not going to help you right now.

 

Yes, I am doing all that. As I said in my OP, I am going to join a club or two (school's only started for a little over a week so clubs haven't started yet), will attend school social events, get a job, and overall get out of my comfort zone, be sociable, and talking to/flirting with girls in general (like I already have been doing).

 

Caution: I am going to go on a rant now. But short answer, yes clia, I am doing all of that or at least will try to. Making friends will be difficult outside of clubs because high school is cliquey in nature and you're in class most of the time, then have a few minutes of passing period, and lunch, and that's all you get (and during lunch, people tend to sit within their cliques - I sit with one of my very few friends that I have). But I will do the best I can (I am out of here in less than 2 years anyway so it's not the end of the world). This is also one reason why I am not taking time to get to know a girl a whole lot before asking her out on a first date anymore like some people advise - because it just never really worked for me and isn't really possible during school hours.

 

***

 

Also, if there's a girl that I am interested in dating that is in one of my classes or activities or was in one of my classes or activities, or is recognizable at some basic level (I want to avoid cold approaching if possible because I am not suave enough for that ) then I ask her out...I have actually already asked out 2 girls this school year so far (one was an old crush that I decided to make an exception for and confess and re-ask-out after a few months since my crush on her was strong and last time I didn't really make it clear that I wanted to go out with her). I am not waiting too long anymore (within a few days of deciding that I want to go out with said girl at most - and in that time I try to make some flirtatious conversation with her to the best of my ability so as to not make it so sudden for her) because getting to know her first doesn't really work when you don't really have much time in class or between classes to talk and I just think it would be better to do that on a first date when we're not on the go. I have tried this before with my last two major crushes and it simply didn't work. It's also manipulative to pretend to be a girl's friend when you want something more.

 

I have noticed that asking out a girl, in spite of getting turned down, actually makes my day substantially better and makes me feel better about myself because then at least I can look in the mirror and say that I did my job as a man today. Plus, it gets rid of any angst, self-doubt, "what ifs", and that whole anxiety before asking her out. I personally have no fear of getting turned down in and of itself, but the mind is very lazy and as Jad T Jones says, when presented with the challenge of a beautiful woman, it tries to trick us and find excuses for why we shouldn't take action. I am learning to push through that and act more on impulse (because if I start thinking and analyzing, I end up wimping out I noticed). It's the feeling of uncertainty before asking a girl out that's the worst. That's why I feel like **** when I go home not having asked that girl out. When I wimp out, that hurts my confidence and makes me doubt myself - not when I get turned down.

 

As Jad T Jones says, if you want something in life, you have to work and ask for it, whether it's with dating, with business, etc. When you ask life for something, life will test you and beat you down to see if you really want it (ex. getting turned down), depending on what it is that you're asking. It may take a very long time, but I have faith that it will happen once life has tested me enough, like I said in one of my earlier posts (and this is the mindset he advises to have). So I see getting turned down as a step towards success. Part of working towards that success is like you said clia, getting involved in other things, putting myself out there, socializing, getting a job (earlier thread), making friends, self-improvement, etc. And I am not just doing these things for the sake of getting a girlfriend. I actually want to make more friends (who doesn't) and have a healthier social life. I am tired of being a lone wolf. That has been another detriment to my self-confidence. As with self-improvement in that I am striving to structure my life so I am happy with no significant other, I am doing this for my sake because thinking about love, sex, relationships, dating, and courtship all the time really sucks especially if you don't have any dates. I want to have my good ole life back - when I would actually have something that I am personally working towards and gives me something to think about in my free time. Right now, the element I am missing to living happily with no SO is a personal goal/hobby that I am passionate about and gives me something to think about (see the other thread).

 

As for potentially getting made fun of or laughed at in my face by the girl (which hasn't happened yet anyway), well that's just a risk you have to take. But as Jad T Jones said, to not take action because of things like this is insanity because you're letting people who do not love you, who would not care for you if you died tomorrow, dictate your life.

 

Finally, YOLO.

 

I was having a lot of trouble last year figuring out how to go about things, but now I have a good idea of what I need to do.

 

I have a suggestion that may help on several levels.

 

Blog

 

You are eloquent and educated. You are passionate about passion.

This is the single greatest inspiration man has ever known.

 

Write about it. All of it, publish it everywhere. (age appropriate places of course) Put it out there and allow yourself to be open to possibility. Be as abstract or direct about your feelings, fears, whatever as you will. This will be theraputic for you and may inspire someone who then feels a closeness for you.

 

Go for it.

 

I have been keeping a journal and have written almost 100 pages in the span of one month. Just getting my thoughts down like that has actually caused me to learn some things on my own and has helped me out.

Edited September 3, 2014 by R3d

[clia]

Caution: I am going to go on a rant now. But short answer, yes clia, I am doing all of that or at least will try to. Making friends will be difficult outside of clubs because high school is cliquey in nature and you're in class most of the time, then have a few minutes of passing period, and lunch, and that's all you get (and during lunch, people tend to sit within their cliques - I sit with one of my very few friends that I have). But I will do the best I can (I am out of here in less than 2 years anyway so it's not the end of the world). This is also one reason why I am not taking time to get to know a girl a whole lot before asking her out on a first date anymore like some people advise - because it just never really worked for me and isn't really possible during school hours.

 

***

 

Also, if there's a girl that I am interested in dating that is in one of my classes or activities or was in one of my classes or activities, or is recognizable at some basic level (I want to avoid cold approaching if possible because I am not suave enough for that ) then I ask her out...I have actually already asked out 2 girls this school year so far (one was an old crush that I decided to make an exception for and confess and re-ask-out after a few months since my crush on her was strong and last time I didn't really make it clear that I wanted to go out with her). I am not waiting too long anymore (within a few days of deciding that I want to go out with said girl at most - and in that time I try to make some flirtatious conversation with her to the best of my ability so as to not make it so sudden for her) because getting to know her first doesn't really work when you don't really have much time in class or between classes to talk and I just think it would be better to do that on a first date when we're not on the go. I have tried this before with my last two major crushes and it simply didn't work. It's also manipulative to pretend to be a girl's friend when you want something more.

 

Maybe your high school is different than mine was, but IMO, you are taking a very adult approach to dating that seems way too formal for high school and could work against you. Is your high school huge? Did you just move to the district? Why does it seem like you don't know anybody in your school?

 

Talk to the girls and guys who sit next to you in class before and after class. Talk to the girls and guys who are in whatever clubs you are going to join. Make friends in the clubs. Ask if they can carpool. Ask people if they want to study together. Talk to the guys on your tennis team and carpool home from practice with them. (I think you play tennis?) Be friendly and casual to everyone. Find out where they all hang out on the weekends and show up there. (Provided it's somewhere public -- I'm not advising that you crash someone's house!)

 

I have no idea who this Jad T. Jones guy is who you keep quoting, but does he give advice to high school boys? Because dating is very different once you get out of high school and it feels like that is what you are trying to do. High school girls are immature. If a guy I barely knew and had never hung out with asked me out on a formal date when I was 15 or 16, I would've thought it was really weird.

 

I don't want to dissuade you if you think your approach is going to work, but again, I don't think you are following dating advice aimed at high schoolers and guys like you who don't have driver's licenses. Asking out people you don't know is very common once you get older because you aren't in an environment where you can easily meet people or see them on a daily basis, like in school. And word travels fast in high school. You don't want to find yourself being labelled as the creepy guy who is asking all the girls out on dates. The way I remember high school is that anything out of the norm stands out, and I could see a girl running to her friends and saying "OMG, R3d asked me out on a date!" And then next thing you know, everyone is talking.

[CarrieT]

I have no idea who this Jad T. Jones guy is who you keep quoting, but does he give advice to high school boys?

Googling him shows him to bit one of those Alpha-promoting PUA dudes.

 

His advice is NOT for high-school boys. In fact, I find his advice to be somewhat repugnant and why I keep hammering for the OP to CALM DOWN his intent.

[clia]

Googling him shows him to bit one of those Alpha-promoting PUA dudes.

 

His advice is NOT for high-school boys. In fact, I find his advice to be somewhat repugnant and why I keep hammering for the OP to CALM DOWN his intent.

 

I figured he was probably a PUA type. I Googled and saw a bunch of You Tube videos, which I have no desire to watch.

[R3d]

Maybe your high school is different than mine was, but IMO, you are taking a very adult approach to dating that seems way too formal for high school and could work against you. Is your high school huge? Did you just move to the district? Why does it seem like you don't know anybody in your school?

~1,300 kids

 

No, I have been here since kindergarten. Unfortunately, that's just the luck of the draw. I have always been alienated from the school social scene throughout grade school.

 

Talk to the girls and guys who sit next to you in class before and after class. Talk to the girls and guys who are in whatever clubs you are going to join. Make friends in the clubs. Ask if they can carpool. Ask people if they want to study together. Talk to the guys on your tennis team and carpool home from practice with them. (I think you play tennis?) Be friendly and casual to everyone. Find out where they all hang out on the weekends and show up there. (Provided it's somewhere public -- I'm not advising that you crash someone's house!)

Exactly, what I plan to do. Except for the tennis bit. I played casually for last year, but that was only once a week at a clinic. I just don't think I'll have the time for it and my chances of getting on the team are slim (there's only varsity and tryouts are in the spring anyway), unless I really train, and with all the violin stuff I have...

 

I have no idea who this Jad T. Jones guy is who you keep quoting, but does he give advice to high school boys? Because dating is very different once you get out of high school and it feels like that is what you are trying to do. High school girls are immature. If a guy I barely knew and had never hung out with asked me out on a formal date when I was 15 or 16, I would've thought it was really weird.

Jad T Jones is a great man (YouTube channel). He does everything with complete integrity and has thought me some great things about life. His most powerful videos were: #1 Reason Men Suck With Women (talks about manipulation - very powerful), How to be the Man Women Want (talks about life testing you, I think), and How to Avoid Rejection and Shame with Women (talks about being a man and asking that girl out and why you completely should - also very powerful).

 

His videos are I think mostly geared towards people in their twenties, but he said that he's aware that there are a lot of teenagers watching his videos.

 

I don't want to dissuade you if you think your approach is going to work, but again, I don't think you are following dating advice aimed at high schoolers and guys like you who don't have driver's licenses. Asking out people you don't know is very common once you get older because you aren't in an environment where you can easily meet people or see them on a daily basis, like in school. And word travels fast in high school. You don't want to find yourself being labelled as the creepy guy who is asking all the girls out on dates. The way I remember high school is that anything out of the norm stands out, and I could see a girl running to her friends and saying "OMG, R3d asked me out on a date!" And then next thing you know, everyone is talking.

I was on another board and they said that if it's like a girl that is in one of your classes or you have some common nexus between her, it's A-OK to ask her out like that. You're right though, that there is a limit. I personally wouldn't ask more than one girl out a week in most cases. So far, I haven't heard of anything like that (the running to her friends) or had that happening. I don't really have anything to lose though, at this point especially, even if it does happen.

 

And he is absolutely NOT a PUA. Don't judge a book by its cover (at least not this time). He is very different from those PUA's. Just watch those videos I recommended and see for yourself, or even just one. He's a really good guy.

Edited September 3, 2014 by R3d

[CarrieT]

Your point is that this YouTube teaches "men" and you are not yet a Man.

 

But I am giving up on you at this point; you are too far gone, I think.

 

Although I would heartily suggest you print out these threads and read them on your 21st birthday...

[R3d]

Why do you say that?

[aussietigerwolf]

a suggestion is to channel all that passion and imagination into writing romantic teenage love stories yourself. Hell, you might even find yourself a career

[CarrieT]

Why do you say that?

 

In your other thread which I already referenced, I specifically spelled out how trying to rush your adulthood would be detrimental to your mental health. You never acknowledged the advice I was trying to offer.

 

The very title of this thread confirms exactly what I was trying to outline. And you persist in confirming that you have myopic vision towards your desires to push forward into areas which you are psychologically ill-equipped to manage.

 

My advice has been ignored. You are listening to a PUA. Yes, I watched some of his videos. You think he is a great man. I am a woman and I think he is a scumbag. I believe you are causing yourself tremendous harm by watching these types of videos and - more than anything - believe you are creating an idea of what a female is and what a female wants by partaking in these types of videos.

 

Frankly, based on this and the other website you said you were watching, I believe you are too far gone and there is little that someone like me can say to get through to you.

 

More than anything else, I pity you and I feel sorry the girls you are going to try and interact with if you continue on this path of the crap that people like Jad T Jones shovel.

[R3d]

Which videos did you watch?

 

He said, "Leave the woman better than you found her," and in his video about why men suck with women, he talks about seeing women as PEOPLE and why he will not do hidden cam as people requested him to.

Edited September 4, 2014 by R3d

[CarrieT]

Which videos did you watch?

It seriously does not matter.

[R3d]

It seriously does not matter.

 

No really, I am curious. It would help if you could elaborate on your criticism of his advice.

[CarrieT]

No really, I am curious. It would help if you could elaborate on your criticism of his advice.

 

No, it would not. This is not about him, but that you are obsessed with PUA info at all at your age. You simply cannot see that because of your myopic view of this material.

[R3d]

No, it would not. This is not about him, but that you are obsessed with PUA info at all at your age. You simply cannot see that because of your myopic view of this material.

 

Not really. I don't watch anyone else but him and Stephan Erdman (and he's a shy, nice, and integrous guy), but mostly Jad. I avoid PUA sites and anything that seems douchey and doesn't feel right.

 

I think it would help because I am unpleasantly surprised that you thought he was a "scumbag" and I am really cruious as to why.